Satire  Published 4 hours ago

Gluten-Free Students Outraged Over New Bread-ing Days


Photo by Alpha Stock Images / CC 3.0

With finals season now in full gear and Philly’s population of pettable dogs in radically short supply (probably), the University is being forced to get creative with events that will assuage students’ stress in this trying time. Reading Days, the two day period where Penn students are finally allowed to read the books posted on their course syllabi after a semester-long blackout period, have historically been a time when students are forced to make hard choices with their time commitments. But this semester, University administration is looking to shake things up and smooth out the transition from Reading Days into finals period by giving students the chance to catch a breather.

Enter Breading Days, the perfect time for people to channel their anxiety and stress into making and eating delicious, glutenous baked goods. For the two days after Reading Days, stressed Quakers can exert their rage over a brutal finals schedule that barely gives students enough time to catch their breath in the academic sprint that follows Thanksgiving Break by pounding sticky blobs of flour, yeast and water into a dough chock full of everyone’s favorite protein, then eating it. Penn is even splurging by giving every student who participates their own proving drawer!

Unfortunately, a certain subset of students is railing against this new program. Whether these students actually suffer from Celiacs Disease or are just following some trendy new diet has yet to be seen, but anti-gluten protesters have already started lining up outside of College Hall. They claim that the University is ignoring the gluten-free community to pander to a wheat-addicted majority. These anti-gluten crusaders are circulating a petition for a more inclusive Breading Days alternative, but their proposed “Ricing Days” just doesn't sound anywhere near as tasty or creative.

Satire  Published 20 hours ago

Early Decision Class of 2022 Already Booking GSRs for Next Years Finals


Photo by Yolanda Chen / The Daily Pennsylvanian

As our beloved founder once said: By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail. Leave it to the Class of 2022 to take Franklin’s teaching to the next level. Last night, Spencer Wilson (W ‘22) learned of his early acceptance to Penn. What was the first thing he did after posting a heartfelt biography in the Class of 2022 Facebook page that he will soon regret?

“I booked a GSR.”

Not one to fall behind on the curve, Wilson decided to take a proactive stance on his education. “I’m not an average student. I got a 800’s on all my subject tests and a 34 on the ACT— it would have been a 36, but apparently they still consider English a legitimate academic discipline. Anyway, I intend to keep outperforming my peers, so I booked GSR 242 from 5-6:30 on December 13th, 2018.” Wilson didn’t stop there. “I also booked G52 and F60 on December 14th, 321 on the 15th— basically I’m covered. Dean’s List here I come.”

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Satire  Published 20 hours ago

OP-ED: I Farted in Fisher Fine Arts Library and I'm Not Sorry


Photo by Matthew Marcucci / The Daily Pennsylvanian

To the uptight library staff, all you nerds who love studying, and the doctor who says I have to learn how to control my body: Yes, I farted in the Fisher Fine Arts Library, and no, I’m not sorry. Not at all.

Farting is a natural function of the human body. It’s completely natural. Alright, maybe my farts are medically inexplicable abominations, but even if I ripped a completely normal one, I feel like people would have still gotten mad at me.

You can think of the smell I created as a type of smelling salt. The pungent aroma activated the brain of everyone within a one-mile radius of me. When you ace all of your finals, you have my homemade aromatherapy to thank.

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Satire  Published 12/13/17 1:23am

Your Freshman Year Friends: Where Are They Now?


Photo by David thomson / CC0

Ah, your freshman year, what great times. You had such a solid group of friends, too. 

There was Sam, the girl you met during NSO, Brendan, the one from West Chester, Lily, the one from Houston (how did she and Brendan get along, again?), and, of course, George, the friend you met in that gender neutral bathroom back in Ware. They were all such a big part of your freshman year experience, but where are those freshman year mistakes friends now?

Sam discovered that her true calling was finance instead of medicine. Classic. She started spending late nights in Hunstman GSRs with a cozy fireplace up on the TV screen and, surprisingly, George. The two of them started getting closer cramming for exams and applying for internships. I think it was around the time you started hanging out a lot at the Phi house; the two have been together since!

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Satire  Published 12/13/17 1:10am

How to Avoid Studying for Finals by Texting Your Ex Instead


Photo by JE ShootsEdits by MJ Kang

Are you dreading studying for finals? No need to worry! Here's one distraction that will eternally divert your attention: texting your ex. Here's how you can do it:

Step 1: Close any open books. If you want to text your ex, it is important for you to close any open books. It will be difficult to complete the next steps with an open biology textbook in plain sight.

Step 2: Unlock your phone. Duh! In order for you to move forward with your irresponsible plan, you'll need to unlock your phone. Use either your finger print or your four-digit passcode.

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Satire  Published 12/13/17 12:35am

Board Elections Started Eight Hours Ago, and Everyone is Still Here


Photo from Pixabay / CC0

Money. Ambition. Backstabbing. Drama. Intrigue. These may sound like descriptor words for the next hit daytime soap, but they also describe the board elections of the Penn Undergraduate Finance Fellows (PUFF).

At 3:55 a.m. in JMHH G50, tensions among the club members were running high.

"I just think," shouted Jake Schneider (W '18), the outgoing recruitment chair, "there's no way Jamie will be able to meet the demands of this position. At the SAC fair, she didn't get a single person to sign up for our listserv. And we had Insomnia!"

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Satire  Published 12/12/17 2:56am

4 Politically Correct Ways to Say "Give Me A Good Fucking Grade Please" This Holiday Season


Photo by Hoangttu / CC BY-SA 3.0 

Ok, so you tried to be that guy who somehow miraculously turns his C- into an A in the last 2 weeks of classes, but it’s not working out so well. You did the calculations, and it turns out you need an 181.34% on the Math 114 final to secure yourself an A-. Don’t worry, not all hope is lost. Luckily for you, there’s a few magical phrases you can say that’ll boost your chance of getting a good grade - and of getting into med school.

1. "Hello professor, would you like to come to my apartment and engage in questionable activities that are in no way sexual in exchange for a reevaluation of my final exam grade?" - This one’s sure to work if you’ve been able to establish the correct “professional relationship” with your professor or TA. Bonus points if you’ve matched with them on Tinder.

2. "Hello professor, would you like to accept my gift that is definitely not a financial incentive taken from my trust fund in exchange for a reevaluation of my final exam grade?" - You know what they say: play to your strengths, even if they mean the ones that you inherited from your multi-millionaire parents. 

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Satire  Published 12/12/17 2:52am

OP-ED: How Elf on the Shelf Ruined My Relationship


Photo by An Errant Knight / CC BY-SA 4.0, Jeff Djevdet / CC BY 2.0, Mark Baylor / CC BY 2.0 (edited)

December 3

It started as a joke. I gave my boyfriend, Matt, an Elf on the Shelf on at the beginning of December to commemorate our first holiday season together. He laughed, I laughed, and we put the Elf on the Shelf on a shelf in his once elf-less room.

December 4

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Satire  Published 12/11/17 11:22pm

Self Love Win: Just Because This Frat Boy Is Mean and Boring Doesn't Mean He Can't Also Be Really Vain


Photo by nym (cropped) / CC BY 2.0

Amazing. This frat boy, despite being mean-spirited and genuinely uninteresting, continues to love himself. Really love himself. That’s right: even though he’s a fundamentally bland chauvinist, he doesn’t let it affect what he sees when he looks in the mirror— an egotistical dick.

Gary S, a senior from Westchester County, New York, doesn’t let society dictate his self-esteem with words like “kind of racist” and “only talks about Greek Rank.” He takes his self-image into his own hands, and proceeds to grossly exaggerate his few positive qualities in his mind. #SelfLove.

Despite his most defining qualities being “wanting a job in finance” and “sports,” Gary is still able to convince himself that his opinions and interests are unique and interesting to others. Even while recently discovering his new beer gut, he still manages to think he is irresistible to women, no matter what they say or how they act. You go Gary!

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Satire  Published 12/11/17 11:17pm

Student Who Has Never Heard of an Onside Kick 'Devastated' About Carson Wentz


Photo by Keith Allison (cropped) / CC BY-SA 2.0

Big news for the 14 students at Penn who genuinely enjoy sports: after a win against the LA Rams on Sunday night, the Eagles clinched the NFC East! But it wasn't all sunshine for Eagles fans. Carson Wentz, the Eagles' very talented, ginger, and North Dakotan quarterback, left the game with a season-ending ACL tear. Yikes.

Trent Jacobs (C '19), who has watched one football game in his life (at a Buffalo Wild Wings with his step-dad), was devastated to hear the news via Buzzfeed Trending. "The Eagles were so good. And because they were good, I liked them. It just sucks that Cobalt Weitz got that MCD sprain, because now the Eagles won't be as good anymore, you know?"

"Do I know how many downs a team has before they have to turn over the ball? Obviously, but my brain is pretty fried from finals so the number is escaping me. Anyways, I'm just pretty heartbroken about Cast Iron Welts shredding his ALS. I don't know, I really thought the Eagles had a shot at winning the Stanley Cup this year. Who knows what this Nick Fowls dude can do?"

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