Satire  Published 32 minutes ago

Junior Pretends to Be 21 to Get Free Sauerkraut at Campus Oktoberfest


Photo by 089photoshootings / Public Domain

Today, from 5:30 to 8:30 pm, the senior class is hosting Oktoberfest on College Green. There will be music by Kweder and free food and beer for all seniors who are of the legal drinking age. What a nice time for everyone to bond and reminisce, right?

Junior Jasper Collins doesn’t think so. “I’ve been looking all over Philly for three years for the best sauerkraut in the tri-state area. Do you know how much money I’ve spent on finely cut cabbage? And these losers get to eat it for free just because they’re seniors? This is a form of ageism, and I will not stand for it.”

He knew what he had to do. Collins immediately ordered a new fake from IDJesus, borrowed his friend Jack’s Class of 2018 P sweater, and bought two large balloons in the shape of a 2 and a 1 and posted a photo of them on Instagram.

Read the Full Article

Satire  Published 14 hours ago

Yogurt Parfait Review: Delicious, Until a Bug Flew Into My Mouth


Photos from Pixnio (CC0) and Umberto Salvagnin (CC 2.0)

The Fresh Grocer yogurt parfaits feature a sizable quantity of vanilla yogurt topped with plump blueberries, tart raspberries, and a layer of crunchy granola.

The yogurt was smooth and sweet. Thankfully, it was not Greek yogurt, which I think tastes like curdled gasoline. The berries were plump, fresh, and added color to the presentation. The granola had a robust crunchiness, which prevented it from becoming soggy in the yogurt. Overall, it was a superb parfait.

Then a bug flew into my mouth.

Read the Full Article

Satire  Published 14 hours ago

Breaking: Introductory Feminist Theater Professor Wants You to Call Her Cheryl


Photo by Roel Wijnants / CCAttribution 3.0 Unported

A tale as old as time: you’re sitting in your first seminar for a new course and need to ask a question, but you stay silent because you don’t know how to address your professor. Should you call them Dr., Professor, or Mr. or Ms.? How do you pronounce their last name? Should you go with the classic “excuse me, Professor” or should you just yell “I have a question” into the void until your professor acknowledges you?

For students in this introductory feminist theater class, that classic conundrum wasn’t an issue. Professor Rosenblume, teaching the course “Ladies of the Stage: How the Vagina Monologues are Reshaping American Theatre,” immediately made it clear; she wants the class to call her Cheryl.

Rosenblume, a knit poncho enthusiast, wants students to know her seminar is a multi-current stream, with information flowing organically between all who inhabit the classroom space. “I need them to know I am with them, I understand them. I am here to learn from them. Mostly they are here to learn from me, but I am also here to learn from them.” Less important for them to know, she felt, was her reputation for giving out D's because students didn’t “dig into the unspoken truths of the text.”

Read the Full Article

Satire  Published 14 hours ago

Student Doesn't Match With TA on Tinder, Has to Actually Work for Passing Grade


Photo by Ahmed Aqtai / CC0

Jake Rogers (C '21) hates PSYC 001.

"This class is the bane of my existence," grumbled Rogers as he pored over his notes pre-midterm. "It's all memorization anyway, and it's just so boring." 

Rogers, in a last-ditch effort to breeze through the course with minimal effort, had previously attempted to match with his TA on Tinder in hopes that she would allow a burgeoning affair to interfere with her professional life.

Read the Full Article

Satire  Published 14 hours ago

Medical Mystery: Penn Students Fifteen Times More Likely to Have ADHD Than National Average


Photo by Tony Webster / Flickr CC 2.0

A new study has unveiled quite the medical marvel in Penn’s student body: Penn’s students are fifteen times more likely to have ADHD than students at any other University. Students are quick to point out that having a disproportionate amount of students with ADHD forms an extremely tight-knit community. When studying in the library, if a student forgets their Adderall at home, all they have to do is turn to their neighbor and they can be sure that they’re covered. No need to feel embarrassed asking—it’s a total no-judgement zone. 

Those affected by ADHD make up just 5% of the nation’s population and could potentially feel out of place elsewhere. At Penn, though, there’s no shame in taking Ritalin in the middle of the library. Everyone does it!

When we reached out to Mike Rosencrantz of Penn’s Admissions Department, he proudly boasted about the active student body, commenting that “it’s as if the students just can’t sit still!” Way to go, Penn, for successfully creating an inclusive environment where students are welcomed with open arms for using amphetamines to study. We just hope local pharmacies can keep enough Adderall on the shelves!

Satire  Published 14 hours ago

Breaking: Freshman Realizes He's Been Sitting on Toilet Wrong His Whole Life


Photo by chriskeller / CC0

Tom Camps (C '21) came to a startling realization this past Monday.

Tom has spent his whole life perching on the bare rim of the toilet, believing that the seat was just an odd accessory for women and children. Years of watching "situation comedies" where older men griped to their much more attractive wives about "having to put down the toilet seat" didn't raise any questions in his mind, but instead just served to reinforce his belief in his delicate balancing technique. 

His life came crashing down this very week when he discovered toilet seat covers in the Sixth Floor Bathroom in Van Pelt. His short break from leisurely reading (Freud, of course) while looking over College Green turned into an entire afternoon of questioning his entire life, trying to figure out where it all went wrong. He spent the time discovering the simultaneous beauty and terror of pooping sitting down. 

Read the Full Article

Satire  Published 15 hours ago

Heroic Student Buys a Meal Plan to Help Fund New Wharton Building


Photo by Zachary Sheldon / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Daanyal Khouresh (N’19) is the kind of guy who can’t bear to see someone else suffering. When he heard that Wharton’s planned multimillion dollar building was running into some funding issues, Khouresh knew he couldn’t just keep quiet.

“The Wharton kids have suffered enough,” he related to our reporters. “We in Nursing have Fagin all to ourselves, it’s only fair that Wharton students should have a place to call their own”

When we asked him about Huntsman Hall, he looked at us blankly and muttered that he hadn’t really ever been west of 36th Street.

Read the Full Article

Satire  Published 22 hours ago

Embarrassing: Student Accidentally Calls Professor Mom


Photo by / CC BY-SA 2.0

Just when Nick Snyder (C ‘21) finally worked up the courage to participate in his 300 person Psychology 001 lecture, things took a turn for the worst.  

“I called my professor ‘Mom’,” Snyder told us, “She asked if anyone could tell her about Sigmund Freud and it just slipped out. The entire lecture hall laughed at me.” Immediately following the incident, Snyder fled the classroom.

Unfortunately for Snyder, things have continued to escalate since his blip. “Someone started a rumor that I have an Oedipus complex,” explained Snyder, “So what if I get jealous when she calls on other students? That’s normal.” Though Snyder’s classmates noted another incident in which Snyder had flipped a desk over after witnessing another student receive praise from the aforementioned professor, things are still up in the air. “I tripped," countered Snyder.

Read the Full Article

Satire  Published 22 hours ago

Report: Student Doesn't Miss Family Dog at All


Photo from / CC0

Leaving home is never easy, but it's a whole lot harder when you're saying goodbye to your furry, four-legged best friend, too. At least, that's usually the case.

Wally Canter, a freshman in the College, claims that he doesn't miss his dog— not even a little bit.

"I guess it's kind of liberating not to have to take care of that smelly beast," Canter said, in reference to his family's adorable golden retriever that would do anything for him. "This is the longest I've ever gone without having to deal with dog poop, and I'm loving it."

Read the Full Article

Satire  Published 10/18/17 12:26am

Bathroom Review: Amy Gutmann's House


Graphic by Sam Sedor  / Photo from Gareth Simpson / Flickr CC BY-2.0

Thank you so much, dedicated readers of my bathroom reviews. (That doesn’t apply to you, Bingus Michaelson. I read your spam comments every week and they hurt me.) Without your support, I could never have gotten the opportunity to review the holy grail of bathrooms: the bathroom in Penn president Amy Gutmann’s house.

The first thing I noticed upon entering was that instead of a mirror above the sink, there was a large oil painting of Amy Gutmann. In the corner of the painting, I noticed an inscription: “Thank you, Amy, for years of friendship, and that illegal deal we have where you funnel students into my company. Your friend, Goldman.” I’m not sure what that message meant.

Read the Full Article

Older Posts