Satire  Published 14 hours ago

OP-ED: It's Completely Unfair When Professors Cover Content in the First Class

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Photo by WikimediaImages / CC0


You know what's more unfair than English House having only three washing machines?

Professors covering actual content during the very first class.

Expecting a gentle start to the new semester, I strolled happily into Stat 430 last Wednesday. After five minutes of introduction, most students had directed their attention to phones and laptops. Everything was just it should be on the first school day of 2018. Then, the unthinkable occurred: our professor suddenly began discussing probability theory. His lecture was drowned out by the deafening noise of 74 alarmed students rooting around in their backpacks.

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Satire  Published 15 hours ago

Report: 9/10 Study Abroad Students Won't Shut the Fuck Up About Studying Abroad

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Photo from the Daily Pennsylvanian


A recent investigation showed that over 90% of Penn study abroad students talk about their traveling experiences for “overwhelmingly large amounts of time” in everyday conversations. Sociology professor John Phillips and his team of PhD candidates conducted the study on over 200 students who went abroad during this past fall semester.

According to Phillips, the aim of the project was to “either confirm or deny the stereotype that study abroad students will ramble about their experiences for extensive periods of time.” The findings, he says, were astounding. “We were shocked by how much our participants shared to our research time about their time overseas,” Phillips stated in an interview. “The first student we interviewed spoke for over an hour and a half about his fall in London, completely uninterrupted. We didn’t even have a chance to ask him any questions.”

The team found that the average length of uninterrupted speech by study abroad students was approximately an hour and three minutes. Research assistant and PhD candidate Delaney Wu reported that many students also started blogs during their times abroad. Almost all students, however, uploaded at least “three or more black-and-white photos of European cafés or pictures of children from impoverished regions.”

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Satire  Published 01/16/18 1:54am

'Broke' College Sophomore Gives iPhone X Two Thumbs Up

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Photo from Pixabay / CC0 


Caitlyn Finnigan (C ’19) is so broke. Last night, instead of going to Chipotle with her friends, she had to stay in and make Easy Mac at home.

“Oh my god, I’m such a starving college student,” laughed Caitlyn. “Wait let me show you— I have like two cents left in my bank account.”

Caitlyn whipped out her brand new Space Gray iPhone X, complete with high-tech facial recognition, 5.8 inch OLED display, and luxurious glass screens, and pulled up her PNC mobile banking app.

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Satire  Published 01/16/18 1:47am

OP-ED: If the Penn Bubble Really Exists, Then Why Is It So Cold?

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Photo by Julio Sosa / The Daily Pennsylvanian


I’m from Los Angeles where it is always 75 degrees and sunny and we all sit around the pool with an IV full of almond milk made from wild-caught, humanely raised, free-range almonds and wait to be cryogenically preserved at age 25.

When it came time for college applications, I knew I wanted a place with warm weather and rigorous academics and once I got rejected from Stanford I knew that Penn was the right choice for me.

I had heard Penn students talk about “The Penn Bubble,” stretching from 34th to 40th and Walnut to Spruce, time and time again. I eventually came to the conclusion that this infamous bubble was a massive, insulated dome covering campus, an ingenious way to protect Penn from the harsh temperatures of the East coast.

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Satire  Published 01/16/18 1:47am

Closed Fall 2017 Classes Finally Open for Registration

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Photo by Manlu Liu / The Daily Pennsylvanian


If you couldn't get into a class you really wanted last semester, you're now in luck. According to a slew of recent Penn Course Notify emails, all Fall 2017 classes are now open! This is most helpful if:

  • You missed a class last semester only offered once every two years. Bonus points if you're now a junior or older.
  • You couldn't take an essential class for your major, thereby screwing up your four year plan and also your life.

Jane Maur (C '19), who had set up eight Penn Course Notify alerts last semester, was pleased by this unexpected but welcome turn of events.

"I didn't take a single major class last semester because all the ones I wanted were full," Maur said. "But now, I can retroactively register for all those fall classes I missed! It's a relief, since I'm studying abroad this semester and I'm not taking any major classes while hopping around Europe."

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Satire  Published 01/15/18 11:39am

Penn Astronomers Discover Moon is Actually Extremely Close and Just Very Small

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Photos by Gregory H. Revera / CC BY-SA 3.0; Juan / CC0; Max PIxel / CC0 (with edits)


Researchers from Penn’s department of Physics and Astronomy made another groundbreaking scientific discovery last Tuesday when they concluded that, contrary to centuries of astronomical data, Earth’s moon is actually extremely close and just very small. This new theory flies in the face of long-standing beliefs regarding the size of and our proximity to the natural satellite.

“We were shocked when the data showed that an average-sized person could reach up and touch the Moon,” said lead scientist Kelvin Quinn. “I tried it, and…there it was. Right above me. It was incredible.”

Months of preparation went into the experiments, as the researchers knew any findings which depart from commonly-held beliefs would be heavily scrutinized. “You can’t just come out and say, ‘Hey, the Moon is roughly the size of a bowling ball.’ You have to prove it.” said Quinn.

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Satire  Published 01/15/18 11:39am

OP-ED: Yeah, Sex Is Great and All, but Have You Ever Had a Schedule With No Recitations?

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Photo from Maxpixel / CC0


I have something to say. This might be an unpopular opinion, but here goes.

Sex is really cool and fun and dope, but there's one thing that's better. And that's having a schedule with no recitations.

Think about it. Sex requires lots of physical activity. You have to be in great shape to be good at it. On the other hand, when you don't have recitations, you can sleep as late as you want on Friday mornings, and lie in bed until the sun shines through your window as you lay there, immobile for the rest of time.

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Satire  Published 01/15/18 11:39am

Student Planning On Spending Winter Break Reading Ahead For Next Semester Finishes Fourth Page Of Introduction

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Photo by DariuszSankowski / CC0


Katherine Russell (C ‘21) had a rough first semester. After overloading on credits, going on way too many date nights, and getting hooked on opiates, Russell bombed her finals and ended her first semester of college with a less than ideal GPA. She was disappointed, but knew she could’ve done better.

Next semester’s schedule was even harder. She was taking even more classes, and all of them were at a higher level than last semester’s courses. After careful review of last semester’s performance, she decided it was time to bring her A-game. She would spend all of winter break reading ahead in classes, doing practice exams, and get on top of her work so she would breeze through courses when she actually took them.

But, as they often do, Russell’s life got the better of her. She spent her three weeks at home engaged in various activities, which included texting her ex-boyfriend Brandon, binge watching Grey’s Anatomy, hoping things would get better, online shopping, realizing Brandon got with Ashley, browsing social media, crying on the phone to Natalie who couldn’t help because what does she know, and feeling quite sad. But she didn’t open her books much.

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Satire  Published 01/14/18 9:11am

OP-ED: Penn Needs Shorter Breaks

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Edited by Amanda Nart, Original Photo from Pixabay / CC0


This may be "hot take," an "unpopular opinion," or even a "stupid idea" or whatnot, but I believe very strongly that Penn should shorten our breaks. I, Kyle F. Riddle (C '21) of nimble mind and of slender body, think that the University of Pennsylvania should, nay, needs to make Thanksgiving break begin at 4pm on Thursday and Winter Break a crisp five days. Fall break shouldn't exist at all. As I write this, I am preparing myself for an avalanche of the snowflakes who go to this school coming out of the woodworks to say things like, "I want to spend some time with my family and my new pup." Or "I need to recover from the semester's overwhelming workload and decompress." Maybe even, "I don't appreciate that mixed metaphor, Kyle." To all that I say: What is this, daycare? 

As a freshman (major still undecided lol), being home for two weeks with my family was objectively too much. I might never know how many opportunities to sweat in random frats drinking natty light I missed, or what incredible things I could have learned about writing and seminars in those days. Instead, I got full nights of sleep, went to a couple of doctor's appointments, and talked with my meemaw or whatever, I don't even know. 

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Satire  Published 01/14/18 9:11am

It’s Cold Now So You Have Permission to Look Like a Dog Sled Operator

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Photo by Skeeze / CC0


With temperatures averaging in the 30s this past week, it's safe to say that it's cold outside. That means one thing and one thing only: you now officially have permission to look like one of those dog sled operators.  

Ideally, you'll want to be so bundled up that onlookers mistake you for a dog sled operator.  If someone approaches you and asks, "Where are your six Alaskan huskies and your sled?" you're probably doing it correctly.

Once it becomes warm again, you will no longer have permission to look like a dog sled operator.  If it is above 50 degrees outside and someone asks you, "Where are your six Alaskan huskies and your sled?" then you have made a mistake, since you shouldn't look like a dog sled operator when it is not freezing outside. 

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