Satire  Published 1 hour ago

Club Members Excited to See Each Other for First Time Since Last September


Photo: The Daily Pennsylvanian

It’s going to be an exciting week for the members of one of Penn’s most prominent clubs.

Sources confirmed that the members of this club - whose name has remained hidden for anonymity purposes - are expected to have their highly-anticipated annual GBM some time this week.

“The last GBM was a blast,” said Edward Lin, President of this renowned club. “We talked about our recruitment plans, we added 12 new subcommittees to our 18 existing committees, and some of us even got to actually talk to one another and meet. Oh and Obama was still president, so that was cool.”

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Satire  Published 6 hours ago

Missed Connections: September 13–20


Photo: Sam Sedor / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Big Brown Eyes

It was on Locust, between 39th and 40th. I was walking with my headphones in and not paying attention, but for a moment, I looked up. Our eyes locked. Yours, a deep, soulful brown; mine, also brown. I knew from that moment I wanted you. I'll never forget what you said to me: "Arf, arf."

If you want to go for a walk sometime, just wag your tail.

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Satire  Published 8 hours ago

Former High School Valedictorian Confused That She Sucks at Studying Now


Photo by Stephen S. / CC BY 2.0

Karen Cooper (C '19) was a truly excellent student in high school, even if she only got into the College. She was the kid that made a set of flashcards on Quizlet before every quiz and test, and shared them with the whole class. What a baller. It was no surprise that Cooper graduated at the top of her class– suck it, Tommy Finnegan (just kidding, how's Cornell going?).

But now that Cooper is in college, she's lost her touch. Instead of focusing on her work, she halfheartedly glances at her readings, taking breaks to scroll through Facebook, murmuring "that squirrel page isn't what it used to be." So, we asked Cooper what's up.

"Honestly, I don't know how I was so much better at studying before! I used to like school. Midterms were no thing to me when they were once a year," she confessed. 

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Satire  Published 12 hours ago

5 Ways to Show Your Professor How Much You Love "Weird Al" Yankovic


Photo by Rob DiCaterino / CC BY 2.0

Everybody loves "Weird Al" Yankovic, but no one loves him as much as you do. The only issue is how to demonstrate the depth of your adoration for Alfred Matthew "Weird Al" Yankovic, America's most handsome accordionist, to your professor. Here are some tips.

1. Just be honest

Sometimes, simple solutions are best. Approach your professor after class and tell them: "I love Weird Al Yankovic, one of the funniest men in music. I love him more than anyone, and I'd do anything for him. I see him in my dreams. Anyway, thanks for the great lecture!"

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Satire  Published 09/19/17 6:42pm

Crime Log: September 13-20


Artwork by MJ Kang

Public Nudity

Sep 13: Sophomore caught stripping outside Frontera. While in court, he explained that he was unaware that he would be SABsing that day and his outfit wasn’t up to par. 

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Satire  Published 09/19/17 3:52pm

Junior “Iced” in the Middle of Video Interview


Public Domain

Ben Weiss (W ’19) was pumped to have already received an interview during his hunt for a summer internship. Granted, he didn’t actually submit an application and got it from his dad putting in a good word to a few of his buddies, but still counts!

Here’s what A.D. Norman’s virtual interview process is like: the candidate sees the question and has 30 seconds to prepare; then, the camera automatically begins recording for two minutes.

Weiss was sitting in a GSR in proper video interview attire—business on the top, party on the bottom—and explaining his answer to “Give a time you offered support within a team among a hostile environment, linking that back to your extracurricular activities, Spotify queue and astrological sign,” when he spotted a Smirnoff Ice tucked behind the television. He had been iced.

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Satire  Published 09/19/17 2:16pm

Student Planning On Studying Outside Frontera Carefully Chooses Outfit To Impress Passersby



Martin Foster (W '20) is a top student, having made the Dean's List the past two semesters. We know that from his LinkedIn. Martin told us recently that he wanted to switch up his study habits, and find new places to do homework aside from the Huntsman Forum.

He said he wanted to try out studying in outside of Frontera, but that he has to prepare extensively before he does so, because lots of important people will be seeing him. "This isn't a GSR or Van Pelt. This is serious. Sweatpants and a t-shirt won't fly, unless the sweats have Greek letters. A lot of people will be seeing me, so I need to make sure I'm sporting the hottest outfit I can. I need to look rich, but nonchalant."

Martin took several hours to prepare for his study session, looking through dozens of outfit choices before he decided on one. He finally settled on a choice where he couldn't go wrong: a black leather jacket and skinny jeans. Perfect for an 80-degree day!

Satire  Published 09/19/17 3:17am

Hero Cop Saves Lactose Intolerant Students in Audacious Mac N Phis Bust


Photo by Daryn Nakhuda / CC 2.0

When Penn Police Officer Bob Johnson received a cheese-related noise complaint at 39th and Spruce on his police scanner on Saturday night, he knew that there was no time for backup. Even though he’d heard stories of Penn’s rampant drug culture, He hadn't expected to run in to such an extreme example of substance abuse occurring right under his nose. With a level of courage that’s usually only reserved for prime time television, Bob raided the Beta house at 12:30 am to put an end to the milk-fueled madness.

Bobert was rattled by the blatant disregard for human life unfolding before his eyes. He’d never seen so much product being moved in one place. Bricks of cheddar and gruyere were stacked to the ceiling between piles of unmarked hundred dollar bills and foaming beakers overflowing with melted butter. Dairy might not be a schedule 1 controlled substance in the eyes of the DEA just yet, but Bob had seen too many good people taken out by milk and cheese overdoses to sit idly by.

He acted swiftly, neutralizing the situation and shutting down the "philanthropic event" in minutes. Bob expertly identified the scam as a blatant attempt to launder money. Thinking quickly, he confiscated the proceeds for the “charity” that the sisters of Alpha Phi claimed to be supporting. Women's heart health can wait.

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Satire  Published 09/18/17 4:32pm

Senior Ends Career Fair Week With No Job Prospects, but Lots of Free Stuff


Photo by robinsonk26 / CC0

Will Gomez (C’17) paraded with the masses last week to the Sheraton Hotel to (hopefully) figure out which company’s mission he’d have to prioritize over his social life for the next couple years. Fresh padfolio in hand and messenger bag on chest, he was eager to have some forgettable conversations at a career fair or two.

“I didn’t do a ton of research on the companies that were going to be there, but who does, right? I’m pretty good at picking up on context clues,” said Gomez before the fairs. “If the firm has ‘bank,’ ‘financial,’ or ‘asset’ in its name, I should probably say something about money. If it’s an ‘agency,’ I should either say something about marketing or the government. I'll take my chances, or just mention both!”

Gomez’s strategy unfortunately wasn’t too fruitful, as he left both the career fairs with no sense of direction in life, recruiter business cards, or successful resume drops. He did, however, leave with three new water bottles, a couple t-shirts, a phone wallet, eight pens, a Tide To-Go stick, and some cool keychains. Gomez followed up with us today.

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Satire  Published 09/18/17 2:15pm

In Bold Move, Freshman Drops All Classes, Adds Four New Ones


Screenshot / the Daily Pennsylvanian

Today marks the last day to add classes to your schedule, but Bobby Feixa (C '21) still isn't satisfied with his fall schedule. After learning that Biology 121 requires participants to buy a real white lab coat, Bobby had an existential crisis with his determined pre-med path. Although his parents, both doctors, were concerned that Bobby had a career crisis in his first month of college, they never really thought medicine was right for him. They cited a number of fainting incidents spread across many Take-Your-Kid-To-Work days in the past, paired with a general disinterest in the sciences, as their main reasons. 

Around 8 AM (ET) this morning, Bobby dropped Biology, Statistics, Econ, and Calc in one fell swoop, leaving only a blank schedule behind. We sat with Bobby as he took a deep breath and started his new life. 

"Even though I'm going to be three weeks behind in every class, I feel good. I feel autonomous for the first time in my entire life." 

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