Satire  Published 48 minutes ago

Wow! This Cool and Alternative Student Thinks There Are Too Many Starbucks On Campus

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Photo by Anthony Lagana / The Daily Pennsylvanian 


While many students relish the easy access to caffeine on campus, College sophomore Nick Alms takes an unprecedented stance. “There are too many Starbucks shops on campus,” Alms said boldly. “It came to me in a dream—this thought. While everyone else is out there following the herd, mobile ordering their Caramel Macchiatos, I’ll be out here alone, in search of something better.”

Alms explained that he was exposed to ‘real’ coffee while abroad. “When I was in London, I learned the true art of the coffee bean. It’s just not something that’s understood here. There’s a specific word used to describe it, but I’m not sure how you would say it in America. Some things get lost in translation,” Alms contended.

Alms clarified that his passion for originality stems far beyond the realm of coffee roasting. “It’s crazy to be such a free-thinker,” Alms said, shuffling his New Balance-clad feet. “Sometimes I feel isolated knowing that no one else sees the world in the deeply nuanced way that I do.”

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Satire  Published 1 hour ago

Huntsman Student With Target Language in Russian Now Has to Live in Russia Next Semester

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Photo from elianemey / CC0


Meet Ali Johnson, a freshman from the Upper East Side of Manhattan and a young intellectual in the Huntsman Program in International Studies and Business. For a variety of reasons related to international affairs, Johnson decided that her target language would be Russian.

Yesterday, Johnson realized that was a mistake because she is now obligated to live there all next term. Yikes!

Monday morning, Johnson received her host family placement for her mandatory term abroad. The Kuznetsovs, who she will be living with, are a family of four from the rural Krasnoyarsk region of central Russia. They live in an agricultural community a convenient 20 minutes outside of Bashkir State University, the government-run Russian university Johnson will be attending. In an interview, Johnson said the concept of this family is “super cool.”

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Satire  Published 6 hours ago

OP-ED: How Bad Would It Be If I Just Didn't Submit Any of These Assignments?

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Photo by Josh Ogunleye / The Daily Pennsylvanian


It’s 3:27 a.m., that 24 oz. Wawa coffee I shotgunned last night at 7 is starting to wear off, and I’ve been mindlessly scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed for the last 12 minutes tagging my friends in memes like it’s mid-2017. Right now the only phrase I can string together is “fuck me,” but for this Anthropology assignment I’m supposed to combine 4,000 words into coherent ideas based on readings that I’m pretty sure never actually existed. At this point, the only thing I’ve got to ask myself is whether it’d be all that bad to just not submit anything.

Sure, I’ve got a CIS project due in three days worth 25% of my final grade... but I’m pretty sure the class is curved so it probably wouldn’t kill me if I just didn’t hand anything in. I mean, you can’t spell degree without D so that’s probably something. Plus I think one kid got a 6 on the last homework assignment so I’m probably not the only one about to fail. And besides, even if I don’t hand in this last Stat problem set, I’ve still got a great relationship with the professor; she’d probably still write me a decent recommendation if I really needed one.

My GPA is definitely just a number, so tanking the end of one semester isn’t really going to affect my life 20 years down the road, so, yeah, I don’t really see an issue with just taking a nap at this point. The one thing I remember from my Econ class before I started skipping every lecture is that the sunk cost fallacy is a bad thing. I’ve basically learned all the life skills Penn is ever going to teach me, so maybe I should cut my losses and drop out.

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Satire  Published 04/22/18 11:50am

OP-ED: I Wear My Hair Up Because It's Trendy and Also Because I Haven't Washed It in a Week

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Photo by Elizabeth Beugg / The Daily Pennsylvanian 


A person’s hairstyle speaks volumes. Stick straight hair can say “I mean business,” or “I have a lot of time on my hands.” A drastic buzzcut can let the world know you like to take risks, or maybe that you got lice from a dirty mattress in the Quad.

Most of the time, I wear my hair up. I like to pull my hair back and tie it up like a tiny palm tree sprouting from the top of my head. I do it because it’s easy and because it’s trendy to look like a vaporwave middle school girl, but also because I literally haven’t washed my hair since last Monday.

When people see me walking down the street in my half-up, half-down party ponytail, I want them to know I’m hip to the growing popularity of the toddler aesthetic, and that I have been awake for the last 48 hours writing a 10-page paper about a book I never read for a class I never attended.

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Satire  Published 04/22/18 11:41am

Study Shows Even the Least Motivated Penn Students Will Run Tomorrow’s World

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Photo by Guy Timberlake / CC 2.0


Earlier this week, Penn researchers announced the conclusion of a seminal, twenty-year, longitudinal study about the outcomes of Penn graduates.

The results?

Even students who "didn't really give a shit" in college ended up being pretty successful.

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Satire  Published 04/22/18 11:24am

BREAKING: Every Woman You Know Has Changed Her Name To ‘Katie’

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Photo (with edits) by Maialisa / CC0


Three days ago, Philadelphia courts were overflowing with an influx of women aged 18-24 interested not in appealing their speeding tickets or renewing their passports, but in simultaneously changing their names to “Katie.”

It is unknown at this time what caused the unanimous obsession with the “Katie” name among the young women of Philadelphia. Linguistic experts have postulated that, as a culture, we hear the name “Katie” so much that we are in fact forgetting that other traditionally female names exist. Forward-thinking women are changing their names to “Katie” before all other names become obsolete — a phenomenon that would devastate the careers and social lives of “Non-Katies” and render all friendships and networking up to this point useless.

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Satire  Published 04/22/18 11:20am

Innovative! College Sophomore Is Constantly Brewing Kombucha in Her Asshole

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Photo from PxHere / CC0


All of us have heard of the alleged health benefits that come with drinking kombucha, and we have all witnessed the spread of the fizzy, multicolored drinks across shelves at every grocery store, from FroGro to Whole Foods. For some, the high price tag keeps them away. For others, the fermentation from a floating piece of mold that looks like a breast implant is enough to prevent them from consuming the drink. However, Simone Williams (C ’20) has cut costs and overcome all of these fears in one fell swoop: for the past three weeks, she has been constantly brewing kombucha in her asshole.

We caught up with Williams to find out what inspired her to embark on this sacred journey. She said the inspiration came when she saw a scoby, the bacteria that ferments in this fungal beverage, and thought, “I wonder what that would feel like if I put it up my butt.” From there, her discovery has made history.

She always has an ass full of kombucha wherever she goes—to class, to the gym, or to frat parties. When asked how this has affected her life, Williams said, “My anal muscles are so strong now. I mean, I can’t let that fizzy liquid pour out during class—that would be so disruptive. So I hold it in until I can release it into a jar and sell it to my classmates, family, and friends at home. They think it has a really unique taste.”

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Satire  Published 04/22/18 11:15am

Penn Professor Told His Students to 'Pursue Their Dreams' in Apparent Violation of U. Policy

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Photo from Wikimedia Commons / CC 2.0


The former Undergraduate Chair of the Anthropology Department, James Waters, inspired his students and encouraged them to follow their passions, according to three sources close to students enrolled in Waters' classes. Waters' alleged behavior directly violated University policy, which explicitly states that the encouragement of careers other than finance and consulting are prohibited.

As of last week, Penn had expanded its policy to ban all inspirational communication between professors and students, as opposed to just "during the period of the teacher-student relationship."

"Pushing students towards careers in which they can find genuine happiness prevents them from earning six-figure salaries directly out of college, thereby reducing the amount of donations provided to Penn," states the current policy, which is laid out in the Faculty Handbook. 

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Satire  Published 04/22/18 11:06am

OP-ED: I'm In the College But I'm Transferring To Wharton And It Was Totally Unplanned

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Photo by Cindy Chen / The Daily Pennsylvanian


What school am I in? Oh, it’s complicated right now. I’m technically in the College, but I’m transferring to Wharton after this semester. I just think it’s a better fit for me. No, I’m not in it for the prestige, why would you even ask that? I really think having a business degree will allow me to create some positive social change.

This wasn’t planned, either. I really just had an epiphany—it was like a week ago—that I want to be in the business school. Like the transfer website says, my interests and passions have just shifted over time. Yes, I know that in order to transfer I had to have taken a year's worth of economics classes, but I already knew I liked those. I had no idea I was going to want to transfer until, like I already said, a week or two ago.

It doesn’t matter that I applied as a Linguistics major because my dad helped me cheat on the International Olympiad for Informatics, just so I could get into Penn and transfer into Wharton internally because I read on CollegeVine.com it was easier that way. I’m just following where my life takes me. So get off my ass. Unless you’re in Wharton.


Satire  Published 04/22/18 11:04am

OP-ED: Come to My Workshop! I Promise You'll Learn Stuff and Immediately Forget It an Hour Later

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Photo by Niccolò Caranti / CC BY-SA 3.0


Hey! Hey, you! Yeah, you, the one procrastinating on the piles of work you have by scrolling through social media or pretending not to see me on Locust! Boy, do I have news for you.

I’m organizing this workshop, and you should come to it! Wait, scratch that, you need to come. It’s going to be enlightening, inspiring, perhaps tear-inducing. But, most of all, it’s going to be forgettable.

You’re going to sit there for an hour, maybe tune in on about 40% of the stuff I’m saying, somewhat appreciate it in the moment, and then forget literally everything I said an hour later. This is not just an empty promise — it’s a guarantee. We’ll bring the Zesto’s and slide deck, and you bring your willingness to wholly ignore everything we teach you. It’s a win-win!

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