Satire  Published 4 hours ago

I'm Not Crying. It's Just a Combination of Allergies, Something in My Eye, and the Wind Forcibly Pulling Tears Out of My Body

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Photo from Max Pixel / CC0


Crying? Me? No! I’m not crying. I mean, yes, there are tears in my eyes, but I’m definitely not sad. Sadness doesn’t happen at Penn, especially not right after Jeff breaks up with you at the table in the back of Saxby’s.

See the reason there are tears in my eyes is that, walking back from Saxby’s (in a great mood, mind you), the wind was so strong it blew a bunch of that snow salt in my eye. Do you know how much that stings? My tear ducts started having to work overtime to wash that toxicity out, and not because Jeff ripped my heart out while drinking a groothie.

Why are the tears still pouring out? Have you ever heard of something called winter allergies? The real killer isn’t pollen—it’s the constant smell of pine needles. And let me tell you, Saxby’s today was especially in the Christmas spirit.

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Satire  Published 02/16/18 1:15pm

Future Bain Analyst Publishes Op-Ed Arguing Against Penn’s Pre-Professional Culture

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Photo by StartupStockPhotos / CC0


Recently, many students have protested against Penn’s pre-professional culture and the seemingly few number of students who don’t pursue a career path in business, medicine, or law. 

Josh Patchington (W ’18), who recently signed on to be an analyst at Bain Consulting in NYC next year, had something to say about the matter.

“Penn has such a toxic, pervasive, pre-professional culture,” wrote the incoming management consultant in an incendiary Facebook post. “People are so hyper-competitive that it makes me sick. Whatever happened to pursuing your passions and focusing on things besides money?” 

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Satire  Published 02/16/18 8:08am

​UberXL Called Due to Last Minute Addition of Jeremy to Group

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Photo by Andrew Caballero-Reynolds / CC-BY-2.0


In a stunning turn of events Thursday night, Brian Rice (W ’19) was forced to cancel an UberX and call an UberXL in order to accommodate Jeremy.

With the UberX only three minutes away from the house, Jeremy came downstairs and announced his intention to go downtown with the group. This brazen move increased the size of the group from four to five, requiring an UberXL.

“It was pretty shocking,” Brian said. “Jeremy said he was going to chill at home for the night, but I guess he decided last minute to come with us.”

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Satire  Published 02/16/18 8:07am

Juul: The Millennial Pacifier?

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Photo by Mica Dew / CC BY-SA 2.0


Juul: it’s the oral fixation that’s sweeping the nation, and now there’s evidence that it’s an even more juvenile habit than we thought.

Research by the Wistar Institute for Biomedical Research on campus has yielded these interesting results. Penn students are well-known for pushing themselves too hard during grade school and, as a result, becoming washed up stoners by the time they get to college. According to psychological metrics taken by Wistar during their study (n = 420), Juuling offers a dual-purpose emotional remedy to this condition.

Students who Juul can indulge their washed-uppedness by maintaining a constant, mild buzz throughout the day. Previously, this was achievable only through cigarettes, but now students can keep it up during class while simultaneously reverting to the mouth-centric bliss of childhood.

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Satire  Published 02/15/18 12:54pm

OP-ED: Yo Pledge, Eat This Rotten Melon Until You Barf, But Only If You Decide To

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Photo by Philip Larson / CC 2.0


Yo.

Pledge.

See that melon over there?

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Satire  Published 02/15/18 12:46pm

Wow! This Guy Really Knows How to Network, But Happens to Suck as a Person

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Photo by Lukas / CC0


Sam O’Neal (W ’21) takes pride in his networking abilities. He has read How to Win Friends and Influence People seven times now, and it has clearly paid dividends. The Finance concentrator has already lined up an internship at Goldman Sachs, and he claims that he’s just getting started.

“The kid is a total stud and has a much better knack for business than his older peers,” a recruiter told us.

To many recruiters, it may seem like O’Neal is a wholesome and likable guy. Yet it just so happens that he’s a total jerk. Shocking! Many of his classmates believe he lacks empathy and is just, for lack of a better term, “an asshole.”

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Satire  Published 02/15/18 12:45pm

Senior Anxiously Asks Professor If Midterms Will Be Graded Before the Drop Deadline for Fourth Year in a Row

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Photo from Pixabay / CC0


The drop deadline is rapidly approaching, and midterms are already in full swing. Cole Barron (C '18) put off his Physical World requirement until his very last semester at Penn, and has a Geology midterm coming up. Naturally, Barron raised his hand eagerly in class on Monday to ask the professor if the midterms will be graded before the drop deadline. The professor replied, "Yes, they will be, as they always are. But Cole, you're a senior and you need this requirement to graduate. How could you possibly drop this class?"

Barron has been asking the same question every semester for the past four years. His performance on the midterms seems to be entirely contingent on whether or not grades come out before the drop deadline. In fact, he has enrolled in Geology 125 a total of seven times—once every semester since his freshman fall—and each time has simply dropped the class after receiving his midterm grade.

Which begs the question, will Barron pull through and get higher than a 26% on this upcoming test? Will the University let him graduate, perhaps without a sector fulfilled? We'll have to wait to find out.


Satire  Published 02/15/18 12:40pm

Penn Taiwanese Society Recruits First Actual Taiwanese Member

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Photo by The Daily Pennsylvanian


In a groundbreaking move that has shattered the glass ceiling for cultural clubs everywhere, the Penn Taiwanese Society has accepted John Huang (C '21) into their organization, making him the first member of their club with a true Taiwanese heritage.

This club, based on an highly specific, small, and homogenized region of Asia, has members with a wide range of backgrounds, hailing from Madagascar, Liechtenstein, Massachusetts, and even New Jersey. There has always been one notable culture missing, however, with Taiwanese people failing to make the cut for the club.

“Here at PTS, we value inclusivity and diversity,” remarked Joseph Kim, a member of the PTS executive board who is half Korean and half Japanese. “Being Taiwanese should not restrict someone from joining the Penn Taiwanese Society. We believe that is unjust.”

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Satire  Published 02/15/18 12:38pm

​$1800 MacBook Purchased to Use Facebook, Google Drive, Canvas

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Photo by Hamza Butt / CC BY 2.0


Connor Zhao (C ’20) recently purchased a new 13-inch MacBook Pro for $1799 plus tax. The computer features a 3.1GHz dual-core 7th-generation Intel Core i5 processor, 256GB of SSD storage, and a powerful Radeon Pro discrete GPU.

It will be used to browse Facebook and do homework in Google Drive and Canvas.

The device is capable of complex 3D graphics and renderings, 4K multi-cam video editing, and graphics-intensive gaming. Zhao's use of the computer will take advantage of precisely none of these capabilities.

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Satire  Published 02/15/18 12:31pm

University to Replace PennCard with RFID Chip Implant

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Photo (with edits) by maschinenjunge / CC-BY 3.0


The University announced last Wednesday that they will be phasing out PennCards and replacing them with Radio-Frequency Identification chip implants. Each "Penn Chip" will be inserted into a Penn-affiliate’s neck. The move comes after several complaints by students about the hassle of PennCards.

“Students who frequently lost their cards will worry no longer. After a single three-hour procedure, along with five follow-up appointments, students will be able to go anywhere on campus by holding their necks up to card scanners,” President Amy Gutmann said in a statement.

Some see this announcement as extreme. Nursing Junior Sasha Jackson, for example, tweeted “What the fuck? I have to get a chip in my neck now? This is like a Black Mirror episode.” (Jackson has not been heard from since posting the tweet. When asked for comment regarding the disappearance, a University spokesperson said, “Sasha has been taken care of. She is no longer a menace to the natural progression of technology.”)

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