News  Published 05/15/15 6:44pm

LGBT Advocates Film Chinese Version Of "Same Love"

In case the influx of CIT-sender emails didn't give you a good cry, check out the work of some super talented Penn LGBT advocates, who filmed a Chinese language version of Macklemore's "Same Love." Polyglot Ariel Koren kills the game: she adapted, translated and rapped the lyrics, and still found the time to master the sick parkour move at 0:20. Shoutout to all involved in making the video, for preaching acceptance to a culture that needs it, putting a smile on our faces, and reminding us to check our significant others for lice (3:23).


News  Published 05/13/15 2:56pm

New "Last Hurrah" App Is Like Tinder For Penn Seniors

Seniors, the time has come: to forego what is left of your childhood, embrace becoming an adult and enter the real world. But thankfully there's a week left for potential senior debauchery. Have you ever longingly gazed at some cutie through the glass of a GSR? Or relished in the 30 seconds you got to spend with a hot guy or girl in a VP elevator, only to realize you'll probably never speak? The Last Hurrah, a matching app exclusively for Penn Seniors, is here to make your dreams come true. Any Penn senior with an email address can anonymously enter the names of up to 10 seniors that they'd like to hook up with, and if the interest is mutual, both parties receive a notice that they've "matched." 

So go on, have some fun and put yourself out there — you're not that old yet.


News  Published 05/09/15 11:54am

GrubHub Is Here For You During Finals, But Also Judging You For That Buffalo Chicken Salad Habit

As the ridiculously long 10 days of Finals approach their conclusion, friends leave campus, posting painful "Done with junior year!" statuses in their wake. The emotional support of loved ones falls away, but the emotional support of Buffalo Chicken Salad GrubHub-ed to your personal Huntsman hellhole holds strong. 

While we seek solace in Drunken Noodles eaten sadly and soberly in a Van Pelt carrel, GrubHub secretly tabulates our collective stress eating habits. The list of most-ordered food during Finals at Penn is a doozy, with some surprise favorites (edamame? bacon?) and some classic stress eats. For inspiration for tonight's order or the realization that you really need to evaluate your choices, here's the list of top foods that spike on GrubHub during Finals week at Penn:

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News  Published 05/08/15 10:42am

The Best Twitter War Of 2015

Penn versus Princeton. It's a feud that will be kept alive for centuries to come, in textbooks, religious scripture, and now, the holiest of annals, Twitter. 

This fight began when Penn shared an 100 year old photo of the Red and Blue beating Princeton on Straw Hat Day (a 20th century excuse for Penn students to get belligerent in hats). The Princeton Twitter people are obviously on top of their shit as they replied soon after. Thus commenced one of the most passive aggressive conversations Twitter has ever seen. Jabs were made, snark was in excess, and Penn even used some hip, young lingo.

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News  Published 05/06/15 2:55pm

Public Service Announcement: You've Got This!

Hey, you! Yes you, sitting there in the darkened carrels of VP and the blindingly bright GSRs of Hunstman; in the vast upstairs study room of Hillel and the empty computer lab in McNeil; in your beds and on the lawns in a hammock you somehow acquired. For anyone with internet access and less than perfect self control in using it, this is for YOU.

The humpiest of hump days might be upon us, but we want to be that guy at the foot of the camel that hoists you up so you can ride that thing! YOU'VE GOT THIS! It might seem impossible to memorize an entire culture's history in four hours or understand anything you've ever read in a philosophy class. It might seem daunting to apply complex mathematical algorithms or write ten pages about Milton's use of the color blue in Paradise Lost. But you know what? You've done it before and you can do it again! Finals is a sprint, not a marathon, and you can definitely run for at least a few seconds! We believe in you! 

And if you just can't, fuck 'em, the best thing about finals is they end when they're over. 

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Features  Published 05/05/15 4:54pm

The 45 Worst Possible Things That Can Happen During Finals

It's finals, and everything sucks. But we're radical optimists, so we decided to think of 45 ways that it could all be way worse. We aren't procrastinating – we're just trying to lift Penn's collective spirit, that's all!

  1. Your formula sheet spontaneously combusts.
  2. You eat a cookie before the exam and halfway through realize it was a weed cookie. Proceed to draw that weird S thing all over the paper.
  3. Look down. Realize you forgot to put on clothes. You are in DRL Lab A1. This is not a nightmare. This is real.
  4. Arrive one second late to an exam proctored by one of those asshole professors who's all, “You can’t come in late!” But this class is your last graduation requirement, and now you can't graduate on time.
  5. A giant light fixture falls from the ceiling and misses your body, but crashes down onto your desk, eradicating your exam paper into oblivion. Your professor has no choice but to fail you.
  6. You get really into answering a long-response question and your pencil flies out of your hand and hits your DFMO in the back of the head.
  7. The final is a group project.
  8. The final is a group paper.
  9. The final is an oral exam where your professor is asking you deeply personal questions about your daily habits/thoughts/childhood. 
  10. You realize you’re at Wharton Behavioral Labs instead of your oral exam.
  11. Your hot German TA keeps walking by you. You try to flirt by seductively chewing your pen. You choke on the pen cap. You can’t breathe. Your TA MERTs you, and you have to make up the exam in September.
  12. Dean Furda enters the exam room and tells you that your admission to Penn was actually a mistake, and you need to go home immediately before any more money is wasted on your education.
  13. The person sitting in front of you has the dreamy luscious hair of Disney royalty. You are unable to focus on the test at hand, instead staring longingly at the hair and willing yourself not to touch it.
  14. You go to the wrong room. Halfway through you realize that those long, confusing mathematical formulas have nothing to do with Ancient Greek and Roman mythology.
  15. Your professor is from the UK and grades you on his rubric where 70% is equivalent to an A. This is not study abroad and Penn gives you a C.
  16. Your study break booty call doesn’t answer which means that he hates you and that all guys hate you and that you should give up even trying to attract somebody and live alone on 41st and Pine forever.
  17. A firm understanding that the mitochondria is “the powerhouse of the cell" isn’t quite enough to get by in BIO101.
  18. You accidentally buy Xanax instead of Adderall.
  19. The constant g that has historically denoted the speed at which a free-falling object will accelerate within Earth’s atmosphere changes from 9.81 m/s^2 and everything you’ve ever done is wrong.
  20. You’re intercepted by a pack of wild dogs on your way to an exam.
  21. After some swift calculations, you realize that getting a 263.7% on a final exam isn’t possible so you’re thus unlikely to receive an A for the semester.
  22. You get a call that you have two days to complete a drug test for your summer internship after just having bought a finals-time stress eighth.
  23. You spend the whole day researching the damaging socio-economic repercussions that your coffee addiction has on Costa Rican farmers and then you feel pretty guilty for a few days.
  24. You realize you have nothing to wear to your cousin’s graduation in two weeks but the Greek Lady chicken fingers diet you’ve recently been adhering to makes the prospect of shopping not fun.
  25. Wawa runs out of cannoli dip AND Reese's pies.
  26. It turns out that writing papers about books you never bothered to read is really fucking hard.
  27. You seriously consider paying one of those PhDs from that essay writing website but then you remember this and instead just cry forever.
  28. You’ve massively overestimated your understanding of spoken Korean and you have an oral exam in 25 minutes.
  29. All of the servers that facilitate Google Drive worldwide crash at once.
  30. Your formal date texts you. She can't come.
  31. Pattaya changes its already wildly unpredictable schedule to reflect the only times that you’ll be asleep over the next ten days.
  32. That massive ring of garbage in the Pacific Ocean is only getting larger with each passing day and the international community seems unwilling to do anything to clean it up and honestly it’s just a huge bummer that you really don’t need on top of everything else.
  33. You wake up and your glasses prescription has radically changed!
  34. You realize how ill-equipped you are to make any sort of intelligent commentary about the state of Middle Eastern affairs so any motivation you may have had to start that paper kind of goes away.
  35. The Rave isn’t showing any good movies right now so you don’t even have that to look forward to.
  36. You realize that all those friends you thought you made in class are all making a study guide together and you aren’t included.
  37. It’s super distracting to work outside but there’s no UV rays indoors and obviously you need sunlight since you’re a goddamn human being who needs to photosynthesize.
  38. You either lose or gain five pounds and either way it looks bad.
  39. The zeal with which you threw away your notes after the midterm now feels misplaced.
  40. Your Finance professor doesn’t like you and will honestly never like you.
  41. Professor holds office hours during the exam. You go to office hours.
  42. You decide to study on College Green. You gently fall asleep in the warmth of the spring sun and wake up surrounded by squirrels, your precious handwritten notes gone in the breeze.
  43. Your roommate decides to start a Bikram yoga studio in your quad double.
  44. Your roommate decides to start a domesticated goat sanctuary in your living room.
  45. You take a final. Let's be real, that's bad enough on its own.


Features  Published 05/04/15 12:29pm

ShutterButton: Mischief Strikes At Van Pelt

Can you smell that? No, it's not the smell of a burnt panini from Mark's Cafe – it's debauchery brewing in the air. But this isn't the kind of debauchery that takes place in the Van Pelt bathrooms. This is a crime that attacks our fragile, finals-addled minds at their most vulnerable. Imagine: It's your tenth straight hour studying BBB, and you jump at the chance for a $1 massage, too exhausted to realize that the sign is written in pencil. But if only you studied the functions of the brain more carefully, you'd realize how easy it is to mess with your head when you've been hitting the books all day, not even taking a break for that burnt Mark's panini.

If the lack of massages is getting you down, UTB encourages you to make studying fun – grab a group of friends and gossip about all the drama from formal in the Loud Study Area. Everyone in Van Pelt wants to hear about who passed out in the taxi on the way home from the Rhythm Room.



News  Published 05/01/15 1:47pm

Diamonds Are Forever (And So Is The Internet)

Though we probably know the answer to this question, we must ask anyway: Have you ever Googled yourself? While your embarrassing tweets from middle school might show up, Penn (and UTB) alum and comedy writer Kelly Diamond's Google search-induced woe is a bit more hardcore

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Features  Published 05/01/15 10:11am

Exclusive Formals You've Probably Never Heard Of

It's that time of the semester: Every group you're involved in, no matter how small and obscure, is probably hosting a formal at Bistro La Baia or one of the various permanently docked ships event spaces in the Philadelphia area. If you didn't snag an invite to these lesser known parties, however, then you're clearly not in the scene.

  • People who frequent Wawa late night formal: Open (hoagie) bar. Interactive touch screen e-vite.
  • West Philly Tutoring Project formal: Bring your student. Get crunk.
  • Fossil Free Penn formal: Bike there. Lights dimmer than normal, BYO musical instrument to reduce electricity use.
  • Flyerers formal: Everyone aggressively asks each other to dance but is always denied.
  • People who go to stat office hours at the same time: It is held in VP basement and is actually just a study session.
  • People who live on the top floor of each high rise formal: Everyone is late because the elevator ride to the ground floor took 20 minutes.
  • Construction workers formal: It takes place in the giant hole outside Hillel.
  • Transfer student formal: Pretty sure this legitimately exists.
  • Freshman that sign up for the Away From Kitchen dining plan (the one with 100,000,000 meal swipes): It’s at Commons.
  • People who have been MERTed: Dry event.


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