Satire  Published 7 hours ago

Penn Offers New CIS Class for People Who Want To Set Up Personal Minecraft Servers

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Photo by BagoGames / CC 2.0


With students everywhere anxiously waiting for the results of their advanced registration signups, the School of Engineering & Applied Sciences is looking to spice things up with a creative new class offering. 

The CIS 19X suite of half-credit courses have allowed countless budding programmers the opportunity to dip their toes into a language of their choice and this Spring Penn is going even farther in helping students acquire even more useful technical skills. The administration hasn’t always been the best at listening to its students, but in one elegant swoop Penn is looking to wipe away all the ill will it’s garnered this past semester by finally giving students what they want: a class that teaches them how to set up personal Minecraft servers.

The Penn experience is often characterized by stress and despair, but in a stroke of genius the Computer Science department has uncovered that the only thing people need in order to overcome Penn's all encompassing pre-professional culture and the myriad of mental health issues is the ability to construct their own 3D procedurally generated worlds, gather resources and build shelter with friends and strangers alike. The actual process of creating a server is a challenge that mystifies even the best engineers so Penn is providing a rigid learning environment that will teach even the least tech savvy students how to operate their own servers.

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Satire  Published 7 hours ago

4 Passive Aggressive Ways to End an Email

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Photo from Pixabay // CC0


1. Respectfully

Signing off respectfully just means everything said in the email was insulting, and the writer wants to play it down. It’s pretty much the adult version of “no offence.” So, that email from your writing sem professor basically just said “no offence, but your lit review’s proposition is bifurcated.”

2. A Detailed Signature

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Satire  Published 7 hours ago

"Franzia is Bad," Declares Brave Freshman

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Photo by Carlos Saldivia / CC 2.0


Most people are scared to speak up if it goes against the crowd. They agree with the masses and keep their opinions to themselves, even if they know they’re right.

Brandon Rodrik isn’t most people.

At a BYO for Penn Exclusive Club (PEC) on Friday, Rodrik was handed a box of Franzia’s Chillable Red wine. Having prior knowledge of Franzia’s clout among college students, and of the fact that things with Italian-sounding names are usually fancy, Rodrik was excited to take his first sip.

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Satire  Published 7 hours ago

Venmo to Replace “Remind” Button With “pay me back for the fucking Franzia, Daniel, it’s been two weeks”

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Photo by MJ Kang / The Daily Pennsylvanian


We're all somewhat familiar with the "Remind" feature on Venmo: maybe you attended a BYO with a near-acquaintance and don't know them well enough to ask for your $1.37 back, or your roommate still hasn't paid you back for toilet paper and you're just too much of a wuss to confront them in person. But it's become clear that the "Remind" button is moderately effective at best. It pops up on your phone screen one time only, very faintly "reminding" you to settle your debts.

Developers at Venmo are tackling this issue head-on. Starting next week, an update to the app will change the "Remind" button to more aggressive and specific reminder messages. Martin King, a Wharton sophomore, is particularly thankful for the Venmo update. "My housemate Daniel crashed a pregame I was hosting with some buddies. That's fine and all, but he has to pay me for the alcohol I bought. It's been two weeks and he still hasn't completed my Venmo charge. This update allows me to get aggressive and stand my ground, which is something I struggle to do face-to-face," he told us. In Martin's case, the Venmo reminder will read "pay me back for the fucking Franzia, Daniel, it’s been two weeks."

Venmo is set to incorporate other options for the "Remind" button in the latest update, including "You still owe me $1 - chicken over rice is SIX DOLLARS now, remember?" and "Please complete my charge for our gas bill, our house is FREEZING right now!"


Satire  Published 11/17/17 5:20pm

Sophomore Collaborates on CIS Assignment, Now Facing Death Penalty

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Photo from Pixabay / CC0


Sophomore year was going well for Matt Johnstone (W '20), until he made a decision that changed the course of his life forever—quite literally.

The Finance concentrator was looking to learn how to code and opted to take CIS 110, Penn’s main introductory programming course. Penn’s computer science courses stress no collaboration; those who don’t adhere to the policy are dealt with without mercy.

Sometimes, though, the consequences might be a bit too severe: Johnstone is now facing the death penalty.

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Satire  Published 11/17/17 12:32pm

Student 'Loves Penn's Urban Setting,' Has Not Left Campus in Two Months

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Photo from Flickr / CC BY-SA 2.0


Penn’s campus—beautiful, compact, and in the nation’s fifth-largest city—offers students an urban setting combined with a campus feel. In the heart of West Philadelphia, students have the unique opportunity of interacting with a diverse population of over one million. Together they share ideas, promote causes, and discover new interests. One senior says that this combination was a major reason she came to Penn. “I love the duality of an urban setting and an Ivy League Campus,” said Sara Knoell (C ‘18). "I try to explore it once every few years."

We asked Knoell to elaborate on how she has taken advantage of the setting. “The last time I went to the city was for a downtown about two months ago, I think.” Knoell claims to have thoroughly enjoyed the night out "in the city," although she only spent a minute outside of the Uber before making it inside the venue. Knoell went on to say that “living in a melting pot” has provided her with a diverse college experience and has exposed her to wildly new perspectives. When asked how the environment has impacted her education specifically, Knoell said that she “gets to be catcalled sometimes, while [her] friends at Dartmouth and Cornell can’t say the same.”

And while Knoell hasn’t seen much of the city just yet, she intends to rent a bike and go explore sometime soon. “Maybe I’ll go see a museum or two. Do we have any good museums?”


Satire  Published 11/17/17 12:18pm

OP-ED: Joe Biden Is Obsessed With Me

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Photo by Shoshi Wintman and Pixabay (with edits) / CC0


Joe Biden. To many, he is one of the most inspirational progressives of our time. He was the 47th vice president of the United States, and with President Obama led the country on a fight for an America that worked for all her citizens. He has devoted his life to public service, championing causes like health care reform, gun regulation, and women’s rights. I agree that he's amazing, which is why I just think it's funny that he is OBSESSED WITH ME.

My name is Charlotte Andrews. I am a freshman at the University of Pennsylvania studying Medical Anthropology with a minor in Germanic languages, and Joe Biden, one of the most thoughtful and humble people in politics today, is obsessed with me.

Here are the facts:

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Satire  Published 11/17/17 12:05pm

Student's Pre-Study Routine Takes Up Majority of Planned Studying Time

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Photo by StockSnap / CC0


Last Sunday, Mark Jacobs (C ’21) was recovering from a wild night of fun when he came to a sudden realization: it was 4pm and he had not started any of his work for Monday. He had a physics problem set, three writing seminar outlines, a CIS programming assignment, and an econ midterm to study for.

Mark decided to visit Van Pelt for an afternoon grind session. While his work seemed daunting, he was determined to finish it all before dinner. He’d made similar empty goals before, but this time was different. Before he began, however, he needed to get in the zone with his pre-study routine.

“I usually start with the basics: Facebook, Instagram, Twitter,” Mark explained. “Seeing how all my friends are doing gets me situated. Unfortunately, I have a lot of friends (I’m very likeable), and it usually takes me 1-2 hours to get through all of those websites. I'm browsing on my computer, because I lock my phone—it’s usually too distracting. I read that hiding your phone while doing work makes you, like, 10 times more productive.”

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Satire  Published 11/16/17 11:39pm

Inspiring: This Student Deleted Tinder for Two Days to ‘Feel Closer to Nature’

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Photo by Tinder Inc. / CC0


Like many other students, Natalia Yang (C ‘19) spends a lot of time on dating app Tinder. And that’s exactly why she decided to delete it.

The junior reported having trouble focusing because the app was “too addictive.”

“I just felt so at peace without it,” she told a UTB reporter. “I found myself scrolling through Facebook during lectures instead of swiping through piles of ugly guys, so you could definitely call it a step up.”

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Satire  Published 11/16/17 11:32pm

Cockroaches Protest Unlivable Dorm Conditions

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Photo by Tobin / CC BY-SA 2.0


Three-month-old cockroach David was extremely excited to come to Penn. He couldn’t wait to eat Wawa mac & cheese leftovers every Friday night or live in the highly-acclaimed Quad freshman dormitory and meet tons of new people and pests alike.

Brown-banned David thought that college would be full of other brilliant cockroaches and a human to make a mess all the time and keep him alive and well-fed. Everything seemed to be going according to plan. He was making new friends, eating good, and hiding well from the eyes of his human roommate. But, it all changed at the end of September, when his human roommate Brian went from just the right amount of messy to, as David described it, a “Kafka novel, but worse.”

Each day, he spends hours trying to make his way through the giant pile of laundry and stolen Svedka. After a while, though, he has no choice but to give up. 

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