Published 18 hours ago

Race To The UA Fall 2K14: The Punpocalypse

Ah, can you smell it in the air? No, not the densely packed, sleepless CS geeks over at PennApps. We're talking freshman class board election. It's here! And with it comes a swarm of poorly Photoshopped campaign posters, cringeworthy campaign puns, and the perennial chirp of attention-seeking freshmen. So, as we've done in semesters past, lets take a critical look at this fall's campaign harvest, shall we?

Giancarlo Bracero

  • has a cool name +19
  • decent pun +46
  • indecent premise -46
  • failing to give BF a proper lapdance -1,000
  • thinking red-yellow color scheme was a good idea -80

Total: -1,061

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 Published 09/12/14 11:42am

ShutterButton: Meet Our Fresh New Contribz

Hear ye, hear ye! Please give a lukewarm welcome to the Alright Eight, the newest members of the Upsilon Tau Beta bloggerhood! Here they are standing sightless before the all-seeing Button last night, just before swearing an oath to protect you from y'know, whatever. They've endured an evening of ruthless, extremely fraternal, very college hazing and are finally ready to write on the hard hitting stuff, like not-so covert blowjobscommonroaches, and hairy granola. To the latenight VPers that gave us questioning looks as the walked by: 'sup?

 Published 09/11/14 11:36am

STREET Presents: The First Time I Ever...

After our splashy debut featuring Ben Franklin on Channing Tatum's body, Street is back. This week we're getting down and real about first times, obvious and not. Remember the first time you...? Bonus: your Never Have I Ever games will never be the same. 

Embarrassed that last weekends debaucheries got featured in this week's Round Up? Flip through the rest of Street when you lock yourself in your apartment to find Film's Netflix monthly pics and Food and Drink's recipes for leftover booze. And instead of wasting hours scrolling through Pinterest for artsy decor ideas, read about Zeynep Ugur's decked out place in Arts. But, be sure not to pass up Lowbrow's recommendations for Pinterest life hacks. Backpage digs into the other three verses of the Red and the Blue. Hurrah, hurrah! And Music takes a look at how Kendrick Lamar relates to life as a Quaker.  Finally, Ego answers your burning questions: just how far is DRL? You'll need this for your 10 a.m. 

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 Published 09/10/14 12:54pm

ShutterButton: Cock(roach) Block At Commons

Happy Hump Day, Quakers! Need a little something to set the mood for the most sensual day of the week? Take the above as our offering--because nothing screams sexy more than a creepy critter crawling around Commons. WARNING: When paired with this, arousal levels are sure to skyrocket. You're welcome.

 Published 09/10/14 10:20am

While Supplies Last: Saxbys Offers Granola With a Literal Clump of Hair

Oh Saxybs. We expect nothing of you yet you still somehow manage to let us down. In this addition to our endless list of campus food fuckups, it appears that one of the granola cups comes with a little extra fiber. Maybe they're doing a golden ticket thing where if you're lucky enough to get a hair clump, you get to go to the wig factory where they process their granola. BLEGHK. Saxbys? More like sux, bye!

 Published 09/09/14 12:54pm

Mayor Nutter Agrees to Decriminalize Marijuana Possession

"Welcome to the high life,” Mayor Nutter said, flashing a smile and adding a wink.

That was a joke, but in all seriousness, Mayor Michael Nutter agreed to sign a bill that decriminalizes the possession of marijuana.

According to this article, “There’s no more handcuffs, bookings, no more criminal record…People will pay a fine based on the offense: $25 for the possession of anything under an ounce.” HOWEVER, this is different from condoning marijuana use…which is “not what Nutter is doing”…

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 Published 09/09/14 12:53pm

College Factual Ranks Penn #1 College Nationwide!

Social media has just EXPLODED with the news that College Factual released its rankings and Dear Old Penn is NUMERO. UNO. Check that out! Ranked number one in something not determined by GrubHub! We now have the triple crown: Most "Polite," Most Caffeinated!

USA Today reported by embedding a @uofpenn Insta of the Quad...and speaking with College Factual's CEO, who explained these rankings are different because they're unbiased and reliant on data rather than reputation (backhanded compliment?). He accredits "UPenn" being #1 to our student-faculty ratio, loan default rates and "high earnings boost." (Blah blah blah, we approve of your methodology.) Ergo, Penn gives ya "the most bang for your buck."

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 Published 09/09/14 12:49pm

15 Things Sadder Than The First Monday of Class

1. Having to get your sexual fix in a Van Pelt carrel

2. Living in Stouffer/Mayer.

3. Sober Wawa dinner.

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 Published 09/09/14 12:48pm

ShutterButton: Modern Eye Gives Us An Eyeful

Although its storefront is usually laden with disturbing, though certainly eye-catching imagery (read eyes as chocolates), Modern Eye has outdone itself with its summer themed beach bonanza. We call this installation "Barbie Dream House meets Salvador Dali." There's social commentary in here somewhere, but we are too creep-ed out to dwell on it.

 Published 09/08/14 9:34am

What's HapPENNing?

The ole grind is back whether you like it or not, so you might as well do some stuff! Here is some upcoming stuff:

Tuesday: Introduction to Nichiren Buddhism - 7pm, Houston 314

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