Satire  Published 23 minutes ago

If Amy Gutmann Tweeted Like Donald Trump

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Satire  Published 3 hours ago

Which Penn A Capella Group Will Headline Trump's Inauguration?

Ever since Broadway singer Jennifer Holliday pulled out of Trump’s inauguration, people have wondered who would be taking over to headline the concert. Some thought that this was the moment where the President-Elect would finally face humiliation. Wrong!

The truth is Trump’s team has been looking to his alma mater for his next star act. We can't speak to which groups will be willing to perform, but here is a definitive ranking of the chances that certain Penn a capella groups are invited to perform at the inauguration this Friday. We did not cover every Penn a capella group, because there are thousands of them.

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Features  Published 4 hours ago

20 Quick and Easy Emergency Rush Events

Things just don't work out every once in a while. Sometimes, you're on your way to your wicked sweet mini golf night for rush and the bus you're taking breaks down somewhere in Jersey. Other times, Fro Gro runs out of cups for beer pong. If your rush event needs replacing on the spot, here are a few ideas to help you pull through.

  1. Skipping rocks on the Schuylkill
  2. Face painting
  3. Wishbone byo
  4. Scavenger hunt in VP basement
  5. Ultimate frisbee in the dark
  6. That arcade by Copa that everyone forgets exists
  7. Make a large map of the United States and mark where each rush is from, because that's the only thing you know about them
  8. Cleaning the disgusting basement
  9. Community service
  10. Price some bonds
  11. Movie night. Watch Legally Blonde 2: Red, White, and Blonde in the chapter room. If a rush hasn't seen the first Legally Blonde, they are cut.
  12. Rhythm Room
  13. Dropping mentos into diet coke and saying "cool" loudly enough to be heard but not loudly enough to be weird
  14. An open and frank discussion about the various social problems surrounding greek life
  15. Dog picture slideshow with "Wagon Wheel" playing on repeat in the background
  16. Field trip to bio pond
  17. Group therapy session
  18. Hit some ranch
  19. Thumb war tournament
  20. That team building exercise where everybody holds hands and gets very twisted up and then you have to work your way out of the mess without letting go of your teammates' hands


News  Published 01/16/17 3:25pm

Concerned Parent And Anonymous User Clash Over Dining On Penn Subreddit

Let’s face it: Penn Dining is not universally acclaimed. Despite efforts to improve through focus groups, some students still describe the options as "what?" or "yeah, I guess that's food." And for the steep price, some parents are left wanting more.

Seeking guidance on where his or her son could find edible options, one concerned parent of a freshman turned to the best location for advice on campus, the “UPenn” subreddit. 

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Features  Published 01/16/17 3:02pm

On-Campus Sororities, Graded on Whether or Not Members Love Their SiSDTers

Theta: 0/10, do not love their siSDTers

Chi O: 0/10, do not love their siSDTers

ADPi: 0/10, do not love their siSDTers

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Features  Published 01/16/17 1:09pm

Natural Light's Wikipedia Page is Hilarious

Natural Light, or "Natty Light" as the kids call it, is well known on college campuses. It's cheap. It's mildly alcoholic. Legally, it's beer. What you might not know is that its Wikipedia page is absolutely bonkers.

Usually, a Wikipedia page will have a company's logo as the graphic, or at least a high quality picture of the product in question. Nope, not for Natty. Instead, the author chose an extremely poorly-lit photo of a pyramid of cans placed in front of an American flag, which we can only assume is covering up holes drunkenly punched in the drywall.

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News  Published 01/14/17 4:56pm

"Wharton-Women" Domain Name Acquired by Porn Site

Talk about a hostile takeover. The website domain Wharton-women.com appears to have been purchased by a party unrelated to Wharton, as it now redirects to a Russian pornography website. Perhaps WWIB is taking its mission of celebrating female leaders in the business world, and beyond, a little too far. Maybe a Management-100 project got out of hand. Or maybe this is just another part of the Russian plan to disrupt Penn student life by way of hacking and skullduggery. In any case, a search for "Wharton" pornography returned a disappointing zero results.

UPDATE: The Wharton Women President reached out after this post was published to say the group is pursuing "legal action to remove the new site." For now, the Wharton Women webpage is hosted at whartonwomen-penn.com. 


Satire  Published 01/13/17 3:52pm

Don’t Ignore These Lesser-Known Fraternities During Rush

Rush is a stressful time for anyone seeking to validate their value as a human being, and it’s easy to get caught up in joining the “coolest” or “least-rapey” fraternities. However, many options exist beyond your run-of-the-mill, binge-drinking bro-brothels, so be sure to consider these lesser-known frats this week.

The Real Crows: you know about Crows, but have you heard of their literal counterpart? For those who feel that Castle’s membership is too heterogenous, this incredible band of brothers consists of 100% real crows. Ravens are also welcome, because no one is quite sure of the difference. 

A frat full of those people who you’ve met once but are not sure if you should acknowledge in passing so you pretend to check your phone in order to avoid eye contact whenever you see them: what a great group of guys.

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Features  Published 01/13/17 3:04pm

University City's Best Kept Dining Secret: Pickles on McNuggets

A wise man once said that no good decisions have been made past two in the morning. That man is clearly an idiot because a late-night stop at the McDonald's on 40th and Walnut can land you an order of McNuggets with pickles on top. 

For the past semester, UTB's Senior Pickle Correspondent, Deanna Taylor (W'19), has been investigating this strange menu item. She reports a 100% success rate in acquiring pickle-laden McNuggets. Her secret? If you simply insist that the pickles are non-negotiable, they'll be happy to oblige. Or they won't care enough to refuse.

With many nights of absolutely dreadful decision-making ahead, remember this: McDonald's is open late and you should keep your mind open, too. Give this gourmet dish a chance.


Features  Published 01/12/17 4:00pm

Rush Conversation Starters

It's sorority rush season, which is really just one big blur of black Canada Goose jackets, the phrase "we were just talking about", and the song "Sorry" by Justin Bieber. All conversations begin with "wow it's so cold/warm outside!", lead to "oh you're undecided? it's okay, you have so much time!" and end with "my coat is the black one with fur". We're here to tell you that it doesn't have to be that way. Here are some rush conversation starters that will 100% get you a bid*:

  • How do you feel about 5th Harmony's breakup?
  • Who did you vote for?
  • How much do you know about turtle mating periods?
  • Would you rather have nipples for eyes or eyes for nipples?
  • I've been kidnapped and you are my only chance to escape this house.
  • If Luca is three years older than John and Krista was born before Luca, who is the oldest in the family?
  • What does this towel smell like to you?
  • What kind of allergies do you have?
  • We should compare our bare feet! 
  • Do you come from a wealthy family?
  • Has the messiah come yet?
  • Have you given any more thought to this feet thing?
  • I spent my summer in Syria fighting ISIS, did you do anything worthwhile?
  • Let me show you all the fire exits in this house
  • Will you rub aloe on my body?
  • Are you on MySpace?
  • Obama's birth certificate is fake
  • How will you support Camila Cabello now that she has left 5th Harmony and will embark on a solo career?
  • What's really going on at the Denver International Airport?

*This is a lie. But if you don't get the sorority of your dreams, feel free to apply to UTB.


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