Satire  Published 8 hours ago

This Year's Fling Headliners Are Zedd and a Time Machine to 2012


The performers for Spring Fling 2017 (Tinashe as opener, Zedd as headliner) were recently announced on 34th Street's website, and reactions are mixed. Some people are neutral or upset about Zedd headlining the concert, while others are just waking up from 4- or 5-year-long comas excited to see the man behind 2012 smash hit "Clarity". 

Although they ultimately decided on Zedd, SPEC also considered Skrillex and deadmau5. Zedd, who is scheduled to perform repeatedly at Las Vegas nightclubs and pool parties throughout the summer, was slightly cheaper than the other two. The money saved, according to SPEC, will be spent on R&D, production, and testing costs for the co-headliner: a time machine.

"We're designing a particularly big time machine," a member of the SPEC executive board told us. "It's going to be big enough to send everyone in attendance back to 2012, so they can enjoy Zedd the way he's meant to be enjoyed: five years in the past."

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Satire  Published 15 hours ago

Wharton Finance Club’s Formal Was Actually Goldman’s First Round Interview


Pixabay / CC0 Public Domain

It’s always formal szn in Philadelphia. The Wharton Undergraduate Finance Club (WUFC) tossed their spreadsheets and study drugs aside and rescheduled last minute coffee chats for their formal last weekend. They even hired an avant-garde photographer who must have somehow positioned laser beams throughout the club to add these super cutting edge light streaks to their photos on Facebook. Wild!

But, contrary to popular belief, the WUFC formal was booby-trapped with much more than those super awesome lights. In fact, their lord and savior Goldman Sachs packed the venue with hidden cameras and their few remaining youthful looking analysts to spy on the investment banking prodigies. WUFC members thought this was just an opportunity for a fire insta to post during peak hours on Sunday night. False. It was the first round interview for Summer 2018 internships.

Goldman employees were ecstatic to get out of the office between 9:00 pm and 3:00 am, something that had not happened since Election Night. They were told to engage in conversation as casually as possible, with light and relatable topics including pesky finger cramps from modeling, that funny feeling of caffeine pills aggressively entering your bloodstream and the worry of finding love when social lives don’t exist.

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Satire  Published 16 hours ago

Trump-mann Tweet Of The Day


Gena Basha / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Satire  Published 18 hours ago

The One Thing Wharton DOESN'T Want Prospective Students to Know


Photo: Mackenzie Lukas / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Tomorrow, the prospective class of 2021 Wharton students will get their application decisions. From the outside, it seems like Wharton is just a super exclusive club, where all the classes have unnecessarily long names with funny sounding acronyms, like PEPTO101 and BISMOL250. Luckily, Under the Button is revealing the one thing Wharton doesn’t want prospective students to know.

It’s really fucking complicated to charge your phone in Huntsman.

You’ll have to use one of the phone lockers in the forum. After approaching the locker, you’ll enter your personal information to the computer screen, including pennkey and password, birthday, year when you first got a Goldman Sachs internship, and what percent communist you are. Then, the computer will ask for your height and weight (including your ego and/or the weight of the world’s expectations) to ensure that you’ll be able to reach the phone slot selected, or at least that you’ll be able to jump high enough to throw your phone in. The computer will then ask you for your resume and any qualifications that make you stand out as an applicant for the phone locker. After three interview stages, you’ll be allowed to place your phone into the locker, but as an inexperienced first-timer, your phone will not actually charge until the third or fourth time you use the locker.

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Features  Published 20 hours ago

Seven Victorian Insults to Unleash Casually at Penn


Photo by Nordic Museum with edits by Lauren Sorantino / CC 2.0

1. "Silence, you church bell!" for the girl in your class who did not do the reading but insists on participating by telling a related personal experience

2. "Hush, Whooperup!" for an overzealous member of the a cappella community

3. "Good riddance, mutton shunter!" for people in M&T who remind you they're in M&T

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Satire  Published 03/28/17 4:04am

Poll: 38% of Wharton Students are Ironically Communists


Photo: Julia Schorr / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Memes are the opiate of the masses.

A new poll conducted by the Penn Undergraduate Association for More Polls has shown that nearly 38 percent of Wharton undergraduate students identify as “ironically communist,” following an upward trend over the past few years. Just eight years ago, the percentage of ironically communist Whartonites was eight percent, so what has caused the huge jump? Memes.

We spoke to Wharton junior Alan Schwartz about why he identifies as an ironic communist. “To be honest, communism memes are hilarious,” says Schwartz. ”I mean, look at this stuff, it’s very hard not to be entertained by this ideology that is antithetical to my own economic views.” Schwartz referred us to a meme called “Comrade Jeb!” which depicts the former governor of Florida as an anarcho-communist bent on destroying capitalism and beating up fascists. “I felt so bad for him during the campaign, all he wanted was for people to clap for him. Now, I find this confusing and esoteric meme hilarious. It really makes me love communism!”

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Satire  Published 03/28/17 4:04am

Fresh Grocer Chicken Wins Michelin Star


Photo: Julia Schorr / The Daily Pennsylvanian

The Fresh Grocer is now among the ranks of the most famous restaurants in the world.

The grocery store on the corner 40th and Walnut streets recently won a Michelin Star award for its world-famous chicken. “This has been a long time coming,” Jaehyun Lee said. Lee, who is the manager of Fresh Grocer, has been trying to get the Michelin Guide reviewers to come to his establishment for decades now.

“Students have been coming up to me everyday telling me how much they love our chicken,” Lee said. “It’s nice to finally get some formal recognition.”

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Satire  Published 03/28/17 4:03am

Penn Men's Basketball Acquires Ivy League Title in Daring Midnight Raid


Photo: Snilliam Wow / The Daily Pennsylvanian

If we learned one thing this season, it's that you should never count out Penn men's basketball. And while the women's team was suffering a heartbreaking loss in the first round of the NCAA tournament after leading by 21 points in the fourth quarter, the men were pulling off a comeback that even Texas A&M couldn't have dreamed of.

The Quakers bounced back from a demoralizing Ivy League semifinal loss in resounding fashion, acquiring the Ivy League Championship in a daring midnight raid conducted at Princeton headquarters whilst the Tigers slept.

"Well, sh*t," said befuddled Princeton coach Mitch Henderson.

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Satire  Published 03/28/17 4:02am

Meet the Penn Student Pursuing a Stand-Up Comedy Career After Receiving 300 Likes on His Meme


La Yekthar Show / CC Share-Alike 3.0

Alex Tagore used to be a normal, quiet Penn student. He did his homework, occasionally went out, was a part of some clubs, and lived a normal, boring life. But this weekend, everything changed.

Stricken by the “meme fever” that had spread at Penn, Tagore decided to get himself involved in the growing trend. A new member of the world-renowned “Official Unofficial Penn Squirrel Catching Club,” Tagore initially just viewed the Facebook page as something funny and amusing to look at in his free time. Last weekend, however, he decided to take a leap of faith and create his own content.

Inspired by the other hysterical comedians at Penn, Tagore worked to design his own flawless meme masterpiece (or as he humorously calls it, a memesterpiece). After spending 28 straight hours putting together pictures of Amy Gutmann, M&T insults, and questionable pornography, Tagore finally finished his work of art.

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Satire  Published 03/28/17 3:59am

DP Weather Columnist: No One Knows What the Weather Will Be Anymore, So Stop Asking


Photo by DP Design

According to recent weather data, it has become apparent that meteorological seasons no longer exist.

This unexpected yet historically-significant shift away from the what we assumed was a relatively fixed climate is not a result of any changes in Earth's astronomical positioning, but instead due to meteorological deviations, the cause of which is still unknown.

Over the last few months, the weather community in the American Northeast has been meticulously collecting and logging information on temperature fluctuations, types, and amounts of precipitation, and pressure systems— and experts have been powerless to find any intelligible patterns that would point to the continued existence of four discrete seasons.

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