Satire  Published 02/22/18 3:42am

Professor Forgets to Make Students Sit One Seat Apart During Exam, Class Average Still 47%

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Photo by Xbxg32000 / CC BY-SA 3.0


Physics 150 students were elated Monday to find the proctor not enforcing the official class policy that seats during exams must be staggered. “Usually there’s at least some exam A and B bullshit, but this was the real deal,” gushed Tom Clark (C ’22). “I was taking the exact same exam as the guy next to me! And this guy was super nerdy. We’re talking thick-framed glasses and color-coded notes. I knew I had a shot for a good grade this time.” 

The excitement did not last through the exam. Students expressed that they quickly felt nervous about the test, as they were unable to read neighbors’ shitty handwriting and had come to the realization that everyone else in the room was equally as clueless about the material. When class met again Wednesday, this suspicion was confirmed by a big fat “47%” written on the chalkboard.

“I guess you can’t even profile based on glasses anymore,” reflects Clark. “My fault for not recognizing that they were Warby Parkers.”


Satire  Published 02/22/18 3:40am

Thank God! This Sophomore Definitively Ranked Penn’s Sororities to Make Up for His Tiny Penis

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Photo by Aaron Hall / CC BY-SA 2.0


On Sunday evening, although nobody asked him to, Grant Samuels (W ‘20) created a five-point rubric for Penn’s sororities and managed to definitively rank them all over the course of fifteen minutes. Friends and family were relieved to hear Samuels had taken it upon himself to accomplish this important task, as it helps make up for his tiny penis.

Despite Samuels originally posting the ranking anonymously under the username “da truth,” it was later leaked to the student body that he was in fact the talented author. Reception to the post, describing the 200-person sorority Delta Gamma as, “full of self-obsessed uggos who are pretty smart but annoying as fuckk,” gave him enough confidence to compensate for his shockingly small peen.

A survey conducted by Penn’s Office of Fraternity and Sorority Life after his authorship was leaked found an interesting result: although previously 80% of female students on campus didn’t really think about Samuels that much, "except for that one time we did a Spanish project together,” now, a whopping 75% of female students on campus are always thinking about Samuels because “he’s so cool and really understands women.”

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Satire  Published 02/22/18 3:37am

​Engineering Student Builds up Enough Courage to Take Food Left out from Club Event

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Photo from Max Pixel / CC0


After waiting anxiously for 30 minutes, checking in periodically to make sure everyone had left, Engineering sophomore Jared Brown finally gathered enough courage to slyly take a slice of pizza left out from the Engineers in Engineering GBM.

“It was nerve-racking,” Brown said in between bites, sweating. “The constant fear of being caught combined with my already-debilitating social ineptitude made for quite the challenge.”

Brown claims that no one saw him take the slice as he was in and out in under ten seconds. “It was all planned out,” he said.

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Satire  Published 02/22/18 3:36am

New CAPS Subdivision Just Screams 'Don't Apply' At Visiting High Schoolers

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Photo by The Daily Pennsylvanian


Penn’s administration has suffered relentless criticism for its inadequate mental health policies. But that’s all set to change this month with the unveiling of a revolutionary new CAPS subdivision.

Project NOOOOOOOO (acronym pending) is a student led initiative that intends to attack the problem of “Penn Face” at its root. A small group of CAPS workers will now be trained to scream "Don't apply!" as a fair warning to potential future Penn students.

“You can’t have Penn Face if you’re not at Penn,” noted the project’s leader, Kevin Sengar (N ’21), desperately trying and failing to press a finger against his temple at just the right angle. “If we can scare away those poor innocent high schoolers, we’ve done our job.”

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Satire  Published 02/22/18 3:32am

OP-ED: I Carry Dante’s Inferno Around With Me at All Times so Everyone Knows I’m an Intellectual

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Photo from Kaboompics / CC0 


“Lasciate ogni speranza, voi ch'entrate”

Yeah, that’s right. That’s the text on the gates of hell from Dante’s Inferno. It's in Italian. Yeah, I also recite the opening lines of the Inferno in Italian whenever I meet new people, just to make sure they know that I know.

“Nel mezzo del cammin di nostra vita / mi ritrovai per una selva oscura / ché la diritta via era smarrita.”

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Satire  Published 02/21/18 6:31pm

Fuck Global Warming, but 70 Degree Weather Makes Me Forget My Existential Dread

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Photo from Pxhere / CC0 


Can be honest with you for a second?

It’s been 4 days since I’ve left my room to see the light of day. All I’ve done this week so far is masturbate and ghost my therapist. But it’s fine, because guess the fuck what? It’s 70 degrees out, baby!

Don’t get me wrong, I really care about the environment and everything. And the fact that it’s literally summer weather in the middle of February is very, very concerning.

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Satire  Published 02/20/18 10:00pm

A Message to the Penn Community: ‘Just Checking In and Saying Hey!'

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Photo by The Daily Pennsylvanian


Dear Penn Undergraduates,

Hey guys, what’s up? It’s me, your President. No, not that one. But yeah, I feel like it’s been a while since we’ve just chatted. 

I guess I’ll give you a quick update on my life first. I’m doing great—better than ever after that Campus Conversation we had a few months ago. Isn’t it crazy how one hour-long conversation can fix all current and future problems we face on campus? Nuts.

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Satire  Published 02/20/18 10:00pm

Impressive: This Math Professor Hasn't Blinked Since 1982

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Photo from Pixabay / CC0


In a quiet, throaty aside muttered under his breath during a review session for an upcoming midterm exam, MATH 475 professor Dr. Howard Merchant revealed to his class that he has not blinked his eyes in 36 years.

Witnesses say the 68-year-old professor was writing a long and complicated expression on the blackboard when he announced in his usual despairing monotone voice, "now, this maneuver is quick—blink and you'll miss it." He then reportedly paused for a brief moment, turning his stoic face to the side, and murmured menacingly, "that's why I haven't blinked since 1982."

What could have been interpreted as a joke was instead unanimously understood as a confirmation of existing suspicions among Dr. Merchant's students. Several sources reported that the professor's intense, unyielding stare had become a common topic of conversation at informal study sessions from early on in the semester. 

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Satire  Published 02/20/18 10:00pm

Penn Crushes: To the Jewish Guy From Westchester, You Know Who You Are

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Photo by Pierre-Auguste Renoir / Public Domain 


Hey there.

To that guy in my Geology recitation, you make my heart flutter like a million butterflies trapped in a beehive.

Seeing you in your grey joggers, white Stan Smiths, and APES sweatshirt is the highlight of my day.

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Satire  Published 02/20/18 10:00pm

Achievement in Real Estate: This Frat's Basement Isn't Moldy

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Photo from Wikimedia Commons / CC0


West Philadelphia is home to a plethora of glorious real estate. Victorian townhouses, gothic apartment buildings, you name it. But there is a hidden gem nearby that many would argue is the most noteworthy achievement in real estate: the basement of Pi Theta Beta.

PTB's basement stands out for a number of reasons. It has hardwood floors, divine leather couches, and an odor that doesn't reek of aged vomit. And, above all, the basement isn't moldy! PTB has hosted upwards of 1,000 mixers, pledge events, and after-parties in their beloved home. And yet, somehow, some way, they've managed to keep the mold out and keep the clean in. Miraculous!

We asked a brother of Pi Theta Beta to tell us the secret to their basement's success. "I mean. It's really not that complicated. Every time we have an event down here, I come downstairs and spend between 2 and eight minutes cleaning up. It seems to have solved the problem," Johnny Emory (C '19) told us. What a hero! Maybe the brothers of PTB could give Penn fraternities a little lesson in housekeeping 101.


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