Published 6 hours ago

Gutmann, Furda, and the Philadelphia Brotherhood of Thieves, Part 2: The Exposition

Last week we introduced the first ever chapter of our brand new serial feature. Needless to say it was a thrillride. Now, here's chapter two: 

So of course I got into the car. Dean Furda slid in behind me. Wow, nice interior! I thought. "Is this calfskin?" I asked as I petted the back of the seat in front of me"

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News  Published 14 hours ago

15 Things That Will LIKELY Replace Pizza π

Unless you have managed to avoid the Bridge of Broken Dreams for the entirety of this semester, you've probably noticed that Commons is undergoing...wait for! What an atypical thing for Penn to do!

This means saying a (sad?) goodbye to the eateries underneath our favorite dining hall. But MOST IMPORTANTLY, what is replacing Pizza Pi? We have our guesses. 

  1. Pie: Just lots and lots of pie.
  2. Pizza Pile: A pile of pizza.
  3. Another Starbucks
  4. Bon Appetizza
  5. A mini version of FroGro appropriately named FroGro2Go
  6. A huge LCD TV that takes up the entire space
  7. A SEPTA station
  8. A new BYO
  9. A food truck
  10. Ugh, more vegetables
  11. A medical marijuana dispensary (Amy G, any thoughts?)
  12. An Oxygen bar, because we need one
  13. A costume shop!
  14. A pizza shop for mice
  15. A new house for Skulls

News  Published 17 hours ago

Penn Study Proves That The Internet Just Got Worse

As if it wasn't already hard enough to maintain your social media presence, a study conducted right here at Penn says scientists can now tell how much money you make based solely on your Twitter

Starting now, on top of deciding whether or not to use punctuation in your tweets, you also have to determine what socioeconomic vibe you want to give off... According to the study, emotions are for poor people, and the haves whine about politics, while the have-nots complain about personal problems. 

So next time you feel called to subtweet the chick in your math lecture that's hacking up a lung, you might first want to ask yourself, "does this tweet make me look poor?" 

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Features  Published 10/01/15 2:24pm

Most Depressing Places on Campus Volume I: Mark's Cafe

Welcome to UTB's newest weekly feature, Most Depressing Places on Campus! We'll highlight the plethora of spots on our glorious campus to hit up when you want to feel dark and soulless. 

Our premiere Most Depressing Place is a familiar one, the grand originator of every Quaker's Van Pelt coffee shits. Mark's Cafe is hella depressing. 

First, the Mark's aesthetic is like if a school bus crashed into a spaceship, resulting in massive loss of life. The inexplicably yellow chairs and paint on the floor. The metal ceiling and tables. The screeching cries for help from the espresso machine. A beleaguered Bon Appetit employee yelling, "YOU FORGOT YOUR CREAM CHEESE, SIR."

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Features  Published 09/30/15 1:00pm

ShutterButton: The Gospel As Told By A Sketchy Van

The Pope may have skipped town, but he left his artful van (complete with "My Other Car Is The Pope-Mobile" sticker) on Spruce. Li'l Franny was spotted driving the van in the wee hours of Saturday morning, returning from a "sick" gig where he performed his new single. We suppose that he parked his van in West Philly to remind people of his sandal-wearing, gospel-spreading pal as he returns to the Vatican – leaving us with little more than a pile of "The Pope Is Dope" t-shirts in his wake. 

 Published 09/29/15 10:21pm

10 OCR Interview Tips That Are Actually Helpful

On-campus recruitment is upon us folks, and if you're reading this it's too late to pretend you don't need our help. OCR interviews can be make or break, so we've put together some advice that's actually helpful—not like the fluff you get from career services. Enjoy.

1. Shake your interviewer's hand with a uniformly applied pressure of 2.75 Newtons per square inch and your elbow at 110°.

2. Avoid asking "what company is this for again?"

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Features  Published 09/29/15 7:45pm

Gutmann, Furda, and the Philadelphia Brotherhood of Thieves, Part 1: The Encounter

Please welcome UTB's newest feature! Each week we'll be bringing you a new chapter in this exciting tale of friendship, pirates, scholasticism, woe, breakfast sandwiches, and romance. (Think Charles Dickens and serialization, etc. etc., but Penn themed, and not based upon the experiences of 19th century British orphans.)

10:17 a.m., September 29th, 2015.

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News  Published 09/29/15 9:09am

Free Coffee for National Coffee Day – In honor of this most auspicious day, stock up on free coffee from both Wawa and Dunkin' Donuts! Technically there's a one per costumer limit, but seeing as Halloween's right around the corner, it might be time to try out a few different costumes. We all gotta make it to Fall Break somehow, and everyone knows HubBub's prices won't change.

 Published 09/28/15 1:30pm

A Gathering On The Bridge On A Cloudy Fall’s Eve

Hey, so, you probably already got a blurry snapchat of the cloudy sky from every single one of these folks, but we just wanna give props to these souls for their commitment to the possibility of a witnessing a dope celestial event. Even though the clouds got ‘em this time, we hope these dreamers never stop sky gazing. Anyway, we’re pretty sure the Dalai Lama’s behind all of this somehow.

Features  Published 09/28/15 10:00am

What's HapPENNing?

Things that are in: midterms, jaded freshman, sorority apple picking pictures, football gamez (upset of the century!!), counting down till Fall Break. Things that are out: The Pope, add period, Super Blood Moons, naive freshman, coasting through class. When you're not stressing this week, here are some cool events to check out: 

Conversation With Politico's Executive Editor

When? Tuesday, 6:30 PM

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