Satire  Published 16 hours ago

Everything You Need to Know About NSO

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Photo by Daniel Xu / The Daily Pennsylvanian


When it comes to NSO, one thing is certain: there's a lot of uncertainty. Freshmen are experiencing many things for the first time, from making friends from across the world to attending a college party. Whether you're using NSO to reinvent yourself as a cool college kid, or dreading the number of hands you'll shake, this guide will help you navigate the ups and downs of orientation.

NSO stands for "Nadya Suleman is Octomom." The whole point of NSO is to remind people that Nadya Suleman is more than just "Octomom," the woman who gained fame for the octuplets she carried and delivered, via c-section, in January of 2009. Her fame (perhaps equally well described as notoriety) does not erase the fact that she is a human being with emotions and interests of her own, whose identity should not be reduced merely to "Octomom." Penn reminds each incoming freshman of this fact, through its NSO program.

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Satire  Published 08/22/17 11:21am

Everything You Need to Know About Move-In

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Photo by Carson Kahoe / the Daily Pennsylvanian


For new students, move-in can be overwhelming. Unloading the stuffed car, navigating the Quad, meeting your new roommate... all in the immense humidity of August in Philadelphia. As the big day approaches, here's everything you need to know about move-in to make it a little less difficult.

Leave the IBM Electronic Data Processing Machine type 704 at home. While your 1950s computer is an important piece of history, responsible for various technological milestones, it has no place in a modern college dorm. It won't fit in the room, and it can't access LinkedIn.

When you arrive, someone will tell you where to park. Don't listen to them, it's a test. Regular kids follow instructions from people in neon t-shirts. Penn kids break the mold, and park in the middle of the street. If you park where they tell you to, a tow truck comes and takes your car all the way to Ithaca, and you have to attend Cornell.

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Features  Published 08/10/17 5:23pm

OP-ED: My Internship in North Korea Ends Next Week, and I’m Starting to Get Worried

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Photo by Kok Leng Yeo // CC 2.0


Fire and fury? No thanks.

Until now, my internship in the Democratic People's Republic of Korea has been going great. I'm working as a marketing intern at Air Koryo, widely known as one of the world's best airlines, a job that I got through a pretty simple family connection to the venerable North Korean regime (who doesn't use connections for summer jobs, though?). You'd be surprised at how important marketing is, even in a totalitarian perfect state with one airline. I've been living in Pyongyang, and making great money. I go home with hundreds of won a day!

Consider this: at Kim Il-sung University, tuition is free for everyone. There are fifty a capella groups, and their coed Jewish a capella group certainly rivals the Shabbatones. It's NSO all year round, and students still get a good education. The food is certainly better than Commons. The employment rate for graduates is 100%, except for the students who [REDACTED]. 

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 Published 08/08/17 2:17pm

Apply to Join Under The Button's Staff!

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Photo by MJ Kang


It's that time of year again! The birds are chirping, the sun is shining, and UTB is recruiting. 

If you're someone who reads UTB often and has thought, "I could write this," you should apply! If you've read UTB and said "I could write something much funnier than this," you should definitely apply! If you never read UTB but the virus we gave your computer took you here, you should still apply. It's the only way to get rid of the virus, really.

Click this sentence to open the application, which also contains more information about joining our staff.

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Satire  Published 08/07/17 2:43pm

Lame Incoming Freshman Ready to "Totally Reinvent" Himself

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Photo by Roman Boed / CC 2.0


For some, the first days of college mark an uncomfortable time for students to reconcile their own identities with a dramatic change of settings. For incoming freshman Chris Richards, however, it’s an opportunity to completely change his personality to become the stud he always wanted to be.

“Ever since I was a kid, I was seen as the weird nerd,” said Richards. “All I did was study and stuff, so no one thought I was cool. That time is over.”

Now that Richards is starting a new life away from home, he says he can completely reinvent himself. “Everyone around me will also be weird nerds,” said Richards. “So if I try hard enough, I can be comparatively cooler than everyone else.”

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 Published 08/05/17 12:56am

True Story: My Sublessee Tried to Sell My Bed While I Was Sleeping in It

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Screenshot by Becky Molinoff


It was a normal Monday night in July. I had just started rewatching The Office for the third time this summer. I was still full from my “homemade” dinner (frozen Mandarin Orange Chicken from Trader Joe’s), so I was not quite ready to have ice cream. But suddenly Michael Scott’s racist jokes were interrupted by a message that popped up in the upper right corner of my computer.

Is it cool if someone comes to pick up the bed on the 13th?

The text was from the girl I've been subletting from during the summer. We had previously discussed that my summer job went through August 15th, so I was surprised to hear that the bed would be auctioned off half a week before I was supposed to leave. Granted, as I am a non-sleeping vampire of the type described in the hit young adult series Twilight, so maybe it wouldn't be that much of a problem for me– but she doesn't know that. I had rather assumed a bed was included in my rent.

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Satire  Published 08/01/17 5:50pm

Forgetting How Terrible School Is, Students Appear Excited for Semester to Start

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/ Public Domain


It's August, people. NSO is weeks away. Midterms are next month. After a quick glance through Penn's meme group, you'd think that everyone would be dreading returning to school. But instead, you see your friend's grand-cousin-twice-removed comment "can't wait to get MERTed again soon!!" on instagram. It seems that for some reason, people might be looking forward to the fall semester.

After some thorough investigation, rising sophomore Olivia Liu explained it best: "I just miss all of my friends so much! It almost makes me forget about the crippling workload and lack of free time I have during the school year."

But there was more than one reason why students were excited to return to Penn:

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Satire  Published 07/28/17 4:32pm

SFS Will Now Offer Undergrads Financial Aid for Only 47 Days

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/ Public Domain


Even though Penn's Financial Aid budget increased by $9 million this year, Student Financial Services will no longer offer fifth-year students aid. But that was just the tip of the iceberg. Another little-known provision in the school's financial aid policy will now be enforced, restricting undergraduate financial aid grants to only 47 days per student.

We spoke to an SFS representative, who told us: "This has actually been our official official policy for 34 years. In an effort to blindside as many students as possible, we decided not to enforce it until now."

When we asked why no one has ever heard of this policy before, the representative responded, "Ummmmmm.... well, it's technically been on our website for, like, ever. You just had to tilt your screen back a bunch, squint a little, and look at it kinda sideways to see it."

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Satire  Published 07/26/17 6:00pm

Rising Junior on Track to Watch 800 Hours of TV this Summer

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/ Public Domain


While scrolling through Grace Heron’s (C ’19) Instagram, you'd think she's a living Vogue spread. From chill photos at her vague part-time internship at an art gallery, to oh-so-fun shots of her in couture in an alley any adult would tell you to stay the hell away from, Heron seems to be living the photogenic summer most can only dream about.

But what goes on between those glamorous snapshots? Brunch with Bella Hadid? Drinks at a bar that’s so exclusive even Malia Obama can’t get in?

This is the kind of investigative journalism UTB lives for, so we did what any Pulitzer winning journalist would do... we slid into Heron’s DMs.

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Satire  Published 07/25/17 4:18pm

Senior Changes Major to Avoid Friday Classes

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Artist's rendering of Laureline Kin celebrating her freedom on a Friday / Public Domain


Laureline Kin had class on Fridays, in her spring semester of freshman year and in her fall semester of sophomore year. That year, she says, was the hardest year of her life. 

In the tail end of this spring and in the beginning of this summer, a difficult decision hung over the College senior's head. In order to complete her major, she would need to have hours worth of class every Friday. Her alternative was to drop the major, but keep the free Fridays. In the end, she opted for the latter.

"Of course it was a tough decision," she told us. "Each option involved a serious sacrifice. I had to pick between pursuing the career and future I'd always wanted, and having three-day weekends. It was hard, but this was the only choice I could have made."

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