Satire  Published 6 hours ago

6 Reasons Why I'm Pretty Sure That Boy In Castle is Niall Horan


Photo by Ashley Newby / CC BY 2.0

I know this sounds crazy. Why would an international pop star be a member of one of Penn’s fraternities? But hear me out. I’ve been mulling over the possibility that this man in Castle was Niall Horan for a while now, and last Friday’s late-night just confirmed why 1D’s (RIP) blond-haired Irishman must be a part of that organization.

  1. Hello! The blonde hair AND the accent. Like, what a combo? You don’t see that too often around these parts. Penn boys, in my experience, do not call soccer “football.”
  2. The speakers were blasting Coldplay’s “Viva La Vida,” which just so happens to be Niall Horan’s favorite song. Coincidence? I think not.
  3. Niall also really likes the band The Eagles. Why do you think he would want to be in the city of Philadelphia? Answer: go birds!
  4. He was really hype about St. Patty’s Day.
  5. The man I was scoping out in Castle was sporting that preppy, Brit look, and I’m pretty sure the newsboy cap on his head was Brooks Brothers. You've got to trust me on this one. From my many hours scrolling through Niall’s Instagram, I would know the way he dresses.
  6. Look, can you just believe me!? This guy HAS to be Niall Horan. If he wasn’t, why would I keep going back to Castle?

Satire  Published 6 hours ago

OP-ED: If No One Raises Their Hand, I’m Going to Start Calling on People


Photo by George Thompson / CC BY-SA 3.0

Come on, guys. Seriously.

The answer is in the instructions. Does anyone have the instructions handy?

I can see them on your desks.

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Satire  Published 7 hours ago

'God, I Could Use a Cigarette,' Thinks 17-Year-Old With Asthma


Photo by USDA / CC BY 2.0

Sitting in GEOL 112 earlier this week, Jacob Scott (C '21) looked longingly out the window and felt a deep, painful urge rise within his stomach. Jacob, a freshman who will turn eighteen in April, realized that he was having nicotine cravings.

"God, I could use a cigarette," he thought. "But I shouldn't, because I have asthma."

Scott, who picked up smoking after six months of college in order to appear cool to a girl, now finds himself addicted to the vice which, as an asthmatic, is actually worse for him than the average person.

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Satire  Published 10 hours ago

OP-ED: Hey Round-Earthers, If The Earth Was Round The Whole World Would be Like 38th Street Bridge


Photo (with edits) by Katie Zhao / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Okay listen up, you circle-crazed buffoons. You ever been on 38th Street bridge? If you have, you’ve probably noticed that that shit ain't flat. It’s fucking slanted as all hell. The angle on that thing has gotta be like 70 degrees, minimum. 

I mean, seriously, it’s an ordeal walking over the thing. You’re probably winded by the time you get to the other side. You’d probably avoid going over that bridge altogether if you didn’t have your goddamn Circle Club meetings in Huntsman Hall. I don’t even blame you—walking over that bridge is a freaking nightmare.

So how would you feel if everywhere you walked felt like 38th Street bridge? Would you sons of bitches enjoy walking on that shit all the time? You clowns probably count walking up that bridge as your main source of exercise, other than running around in circles like the moronic circle-lovers you are.

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Satire  Published 10 hours ago

Heartbreaking: Sophomore Cheats on Engineering Ethics Exam


Photo by Hariadhi / CC BY-SA 3.0

Moral breakdown was wholly apparent last Thursday when Clyde Jennings (E ’20) cheated on his EAS 203—Engineering Ethics exam with no regrets.

“I literally had no time to do any of the readings. I still don’t even know what the categorical imperative is,” Jennings said.

When we asked Jennings, who went out almost every night of the past week, about his decision to cheat, he yielded to a utilitarian argument.

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Satire  Published 03/22/18 3:17pm

Business Frat Makes Pledges Memorize Excel Shortcuts


Photo from Max Pixel / CC0

As fraternities across the country are being reprimanded for their brutal pledging tactics, one of Penn's business fraternities, Beta Iota Zeta (BIZ), has taken a slightly different approach to pledging.

Reports indicate that the business fraternity has mandated that their pledges perform a variety of grueling yet professionally enriching tasks. These include reciting a Goldman Sachs employment contract from heart, shaking hands with every human being in a five-mile radius of Penn's campus, and worst of all, memorizing every Microsoft Excel shortcut.

The fraternity claims that these tasks are designed to transform the pledges into better businesspeople and better human beings. "How the hell do you expect to survive in this world without knowing Excel?!" exclaimed Richard Wong (C '19), the current pledge-master of the fraternity. "No company would even dream of hiring you if you don't have these valuable skills. Well I mean, yeah, I guess they train you on the job for a couple weeks, but it's always good to get a head start, right?" 

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Satire  Published 03/22/18 3:16pm

Meet the Girl Who Modeled for ‘The WALK’ One Time and Is Dropping Out to Pursue a Modeling Career


Photo by Jose Guolao / CC BY-SA 2.0

Before this past week, Jocelyn was just like any other Econ major: ready to take a soul-crushing job at Bain or Goldman and pass off her degree from the College as one from Wharton. But in the middle of her last semester as a senior, Jocelyn made the decision to cut her academic career short.

“It just kind of hit me that I’m, like, so incredibly beautiful,” she stated in an interview. “My girlfriend is part of The WALK, and she asked me to model for a shoot. And that’s when I realized I have a real potential for becoming a model. I mean, if she scouted me, I can get scouted by actual modeling agencies, right?”

While Jocelyn is enthusiastic about her modeling career, some of her friends have expressed some concern. “Ever since she modeled that one time, she’s been acting like we’re her maids,” a group of friends said. “She’s been bossing us around to get her coffee, do her makeup, and even promote her Instagram, which is mainly just black and white cafe pictures from her study abroad last semester.

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Satire  Published 03/22/18 3:14pm

Classmate with Thin, Fancy Notebook Taking Better Notes Than You


Photo from BRRT / CC0

Furiously scribbling down every point the professor presents, the classmate to your left with the thin, fancy notebook is definitely taking better notes than you.

You, with your three-subject notebook for five classes, cheap mechanical pencil which smears when it erases, and off-the-shelf Walmart backpack, are not taking such clear and comprehensive notes as the classmate to your left, with her thin, fancy notebook, expensive Japanese pen set, and designer black bag.

She copied the diagram of the liver exactly as it was shown on the board—exactly, down to the colors of the arrows. You pulled out your phone and snapped a photo, slacker. When the professor launched into a new topic, she put away her pen and pulled out another one with a different color. You awoke from your brief nap upon hearing, “Let’s move on.”

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Satire  Published 03/22/18 3:13pm

Econ 010 Lecture Is Just the Professor Saying 'Decentralized' Until the Entire Class Climaxes


Photo by COD Newsroom / CC BY 2.0

Our best reporters here at UTB recently conducted an investigation into this spring's Econ 010 lecture. We had hoped to cover an exciting course that encapsulated Wharton and gave us new insight into Penn's pre-professional culture, but instead we found an unsettling, strangely erotic place shrouded in secrecy.

“The first lecture, I was a little nervous about how the teacher would be–like, you know, whether she would be interesting or boring. But she spent the entire class saying ‘decentralized’ in different tones until we all orgasmed,” Jake* (W ’21) told us. "It was unlike anything I've ever experienced." 

Indeed, every class after that was exactly the same. After ten lectures of just the word repeated over and over again, students began to get worried about what the midterm would entail. The teacher had scheduled the exam for late February, and the date steadily approached. 

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Satire  Published 03/22/18 3:07pm

Junior With Commitment Issues Abandons Food Truck After Making Small Talk With Owner Once


Photo by Vistor7 / CC BY-SA 3.0

You wouldn't think it, Penn’s food truck scene sort of serves as a metaphor for its hookup culture. Like most intimate relationships on campus, the noon lunch rush is characterized by plummeting standards, avoiding eye contact, and hyping up how good it was to all your friends afterwards. Unfortunately, one food truck owner seems to have caught feelings for a particularly devoted customer, and the consequences look dire.

When Liam Kelly (W ‘19) woke up in a daze last Friday morning after a particularly thirsty Thursday, he instantly knew that the only cure was a bacon egg & cheese from his favorite food truck. He texted in his order and started digging up exact change just so that he could maximize the efficiency of this particular transaction, counting down the seconds until he could devour the sandwich in all its cheesy goodness. Sadly the universe had other plans.

When Kelly arrived at the truck its atmosphere seemed different. For whatever reason, there wasn’t much of a line and the owner seemed almost jovial. Greeting Kelly with an enthusiastic wave and a warm smile, Hank Oswald, the owner of the cart, asked the junior how his semester was going and if he had any fun plans for spring break. Kelly, who up until that moment had assumed that Hank was just a sandwich-making automaton, was thoroughly horrified. Suddenly this purely transactional relationship was becoming something a little too real. Kelly stuttered through an answer about how he was keeping his options open and didn’t want to get locked into anything long term over the break.

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