News  Published 25 minutes ago

Fisher-Bennett Student Enjoys Luxurious Toilet Dinner

Penn students know how to party. When Playboy crowned us king (heteronormative rankings only), they clearly imagined this poor student feverishly munching away on a Fisher-Bennett toilet. He or she may or may not have been rolling on molly or other cool drugs that we have totally done before, which explains why the pretzels are haphazardly spilt across the tile floor. Multitasking always comes at a price, and this price clearly was $2 dollars and 48 cents. While we cannot fault this Quaker for trying to enjoy a bathroom snack, we always stick with the food that forced us to that bathroom in the first place (ya..Commons). 

Features  Published 1 hour ago

20(19) Things More Likely To Happen At Penn Than You Being Admitted

Decisions for Penn's Class of 2019 go live today at 5:00 p.m. With a tie for the lowest acceptance rate in history, applicants who aren't legacies face great uncertainty. Emotions will be high as the evening approaches and the acceptance page crashes as Penn welcomes 9.9% of applicants to the Class of 2019. To keep things in perspective, we've compiled a list of 19 things that are more likely to happen at Penn than an undergraduate admission.

  1. All men in your life have a man bun: 41.7%
  2. OCR gets moved to Freshman fall: 17.1%
  3. The pipes in your house froze more than once during winter: 26.3%
  4. William Street Commons is somehow connected to Cafe Renata's fire: 10.0%
  5. The Locust Walk geofilter is extended beyond the elite enclave of the Huntsman lobby: 12.1%
  6. Amy Gutmann moonlights as a Lyft driver to pass the time in the evening: 13.5%
  7. Kesha gets too drunk to perform at Fling: 84.3%
  8. John Legend steps in at the last minute: 90.6%
  9. Dean Furda cut a few kids at the end to keep the admissions rate in the single digits: 99.9%
  10. Starbucks Under Commons is closed down by the Starbucks corporate office: 80.3%
  11. You get caught by the bouncer when you steal toilet paper at Harvest: 22.5%
  12. The empty space on the fifth floor of Van Pelt becomes a Canada Goose runway show: 45.3%
  13. Malia Obama chooses Penn out of the relevant Ivies: 20.0%
  14. SmarterChild is discovered to be the bot that stole all the floor passes: 76.3%
  15. One of your Tinder matches is also your TA: 39.7%
  16. You care enough about poorly scheduled airport shuttles to vote in the UA election: 34.0%
  17. Dean Furda is actually the Penn Quaker: 98.9%
  18. A major publication tries to create a controversy surrounding Penn Culture: 58.9%
  19. You were one of the lucky 2,420 that snuck in Early Decision: 54.4%

Congratulations, new Baby Quakers. We look forward to seeing your fresh and vibrant faces on campus in a few months. 

News  Published 2 hours ago

Something's Fishy at the Upper Quad Gate

In a recent series of College House paraphernalia upgrades, the Upper Quad Gate is now sporting elegantly lavish decor: a hanging fish. It's not April Fools yet, so we're quite sure that this is a genuine attempt to honor the Quad's gothic regalia through maritime cuisine. Plenty of food trucks stake their territory along Spruce Street, but how many of these eateries provide real live fish? Chic new restaurants have been popping up around University City lately, so it only makes sense to continue the trend – why order a "sushirito" when you can stop by the Upper Quad Gate and make yourself a California roll from scratch? While potential members of Penn's class of 2019 receive their admissions decisions this evening, we hope they'll choose the Red and the Blue – how can you get tired of dining hall food when there are so many options around campus? 

News  Published 3 hours ago

End of Bursar for Graduating Seniors--In a not so subtle way of booting 2015 from the nest, Penn is stripping away Seniors' ability to use their Bursar accounts. While this may mark nothing more than our inability to remain slightly more removed from the purchase of the Penn throw pillow of our dreams, we are feeling all the feels. We'll miss you Bursar. Though your benefits might be negligible, our tears are real. 

News  Published 6 hours ago

The Best Of SPEC's Fling Facebook Event Page

It's a trying time for SPEC. First, Kesha's team sorta, accidentally suggested that she was probably, likely, the Fling headliner. Adding insult to injury, SPEC's attempt at giving away floor passes via flash sales proved to be a complete and utter disaster

...enter UTB. Follow along as we break down the best posts that have graced SPEC's Fling Facebook event page since this whole mess began a mere 10 days ago. And remember: SPEC, despite all this madness, you R who you R, and we would never fault you for that.

Let's start from the beginning.  

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 Published 03/30/15 4:10pm

Random Dude At A Party, Vol. 10

Mondays suck, especially when Spring REFUSES TO SHOW ITS FACE, so we hope this latest edition of RDAP will brighten your day just a li'l bit.

SPEC-TRUM Concert – Saturday, March 28th, 2015

Who are you wearing?

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News  Published 03/30/15 2:20pm

Safe Sex, Brought To You By College House Vending Machines

Vending machines in all college houses and in Sansom Place have recently upgraded their mediocre snack selection to include...condoms for only a dollar! Thanks to Penn Res and the UA, you no longer need to worry about an awkward interaction with your RA late at night when you realize you need to re-up on some Trojans. Don't confuse the condom for the Nature Valley granola bar, though – these babies aren't edible.

Features  Published 03/30/15 10:00am

What's HapPENNing?

We know we might be the blog that cried Spring, but now things are looking up! April is upon us and soon the geese will fly north and the salmon will swim yet again. Celebrate the start of the official UTB Fling countdown (19 days) with our five fave campus activities this week and our Philly Pick!

CAPS: Therapy Dogs

When? Monday from 6:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m.

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Features  Published 03/29/15 12:39pm

Locust Flyperlatives, Vol. VI

With rainy days this week, Locust Walk was a bit more bare than usual – but that's okay. We got a box of free matzo and discounted online shopping, so our wallets are pretty happy with this edition of Flyperlatives.

Most Likely to Find the Afikomen

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News  Published 03/29/15 9:48am

Wanna Get High At The Biopond? Bring An Umbrella

Well, looks like the HIGHer-ups finally figured out that people smoke at the Biopond (probably after reading our list of Best Places To Smoke Weed On Campus) and they've taken, shall we say...dramatic action. The sign above has been strategically placed at the main entrance and, as you can see, the consequences are SEVEREGood news is, if you missed out on the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, now's your chance to get in on one. You're harming your lungs, but at least it'll be for a good cause!

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