Satire  Published 9 hours ago

OP-ED: Stop Bringing Sunset Blush to Your Birthday BYO


Photo by Carlos Saldivia / CC 2.0

Hey, Tiffany! Thanks so much for the invite to your birthday BYO this weekend. I can’t wait for forced interactions with people I barely know, sprinkled with some painfully awkward conversations about how we know you. Should be a fun time!

I’m especially excited for the boat races—boy, do I love participating in dangerously-rapid alcohol consumption! But, speaking of which, I just have a super quick and easy request: could you maybe not bring Sunset Blush? I’m fine choking down any other flavor of Franzia (or, even better, Carlo Rossi) but I really, truly cannot take one more sip of the devil’s nectar. (Actually, I’m not a huge fan of Chillable Red either.)

But back to Sunset Blush: to be quite frank, this shit tastes like my vomit. Countless times have I gazed into a toilet bowl, my sad, teary-eyed, hot mess reflection staring back at me, with the burn of bagged rosé in my throat and pale pink nastiness in front of me. One too many Ken’s Seafood trips during my freshman year have, in short, done me dirty. I refuse to continue treating my body like a garbage disposal.

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Satire  Published 12 hours ago

'I Would Do Anything for My Brothers,' Says Student Who Rushed Frat Three Times Before Getting In


Photo (with edits) from Pixabay / CC0

It’s times like these when we remember that there is still good in the world. Amidst all the war, destruction, and failed relationships, it’s hard to find a glimpse of hope to get you through the week - or the day even! But when a person shows such incredible perseverance as Grant Friedman (EW ‘20), it reminds us that anything can happen if you try, try, try again.

After being brutally rejected twice from his dream frat, Grant finally made it on his third time rushing. We spoke to Grant about his struggle to be accepted into the Beta Omega Iota Zeta fraternity (BOIZ).

“I’ve been dreaming about joining a fraternity since I was like 19 years old,” Grant told us. “Once I found out that a bunch of the cool people at Penn were doing it, I knew that it was my destiny.”

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Satire  Published 02/23/18 11:38am

PennGreen Reports 'Not All Men are Trash; Many Without Metal Parts Can Be Composted'


Photo from Maxpixel / CC0

From frat boys to finance bros, many men at Penn are regularly classified as trash. Though it may be tempting to use a man once and throw him away, Penn students now have an exciting new alternative. Members of PennGreen hope to beautify our campus and better the environment by offering a new solution to the problem of men: compost. 

It sounds radical to return men to the Earth. After all, do we really want them back in the ecosystem? It might seem strange - even repulsive to some – to convert men into biofuels and fertilizer, but there are many ecological benefits to consider. As long as a man contains no dental implants, medical staples, or artificial limbs, his testosterone-saturated body can be converted into enough biofuel to power Claudia Cohen Hall for over an hour! Furthermore, a large percentage of Penn’s cisgender trash men become the way they are by compensating for abnormally small genitalia. This means that although all compost byproduct will be from total dicks, a minute percentage of it will be from actual penis.

Publicizing their sustainability effort with the catchy hashtag “#notallmen,” PennGreen has already experienced an exciting level of success composting men on campus. With receptacles positioned conveniently outside the beer garden at Frogro, Huntsman Hall, and all Wawas that sell American Spirit cigarettes, dozens of men have been composted only two weeks into the project. However, there is still plenty of ground to cover. Next time a man tells you to just trust his pullout game, do the right thing for the earth and yourself by choosing compost.

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Satire  Published 02/23/18 11:37am

Frat Brother Arrested for Copyright Infringement After Hosting Green Eggs and Kegs


Photos (with edits by Jonah Weinbaum) by Clker / CC0 and samhsloan / CC BY 2.0

Alpha Beta Alpha brother Chad Williams always thought of himself as a law-abiding kid. He never stole a car, he never murdered his brother, and he never, ever created a lawn chair-based pyramid scheme. In fact, besides doing a little coke here and there, Williams had always stayed on the right side of the law.

That is, until last Thursday.

Wanting to attend a parade in the morning, and being unable to enjoy anything unintoxicated, Williams decided to host an early-morning pregame. “Green Eggs and Kegs,” the title he came up with, was a clever twist on the classic Dr. Seuss book—or so he thought.

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Satire  Published 02/23/18 11:23am

OP-ED: Sure, Elon Musk Put a Car in Space, But Did He Get an A-Plus in Writing Sem Like Me?


Photo from Wikimedia Commons / CC0

Everyone’s getting really worked up these days about Elon Musk’s (W ’97, C '98) big rocket hobby. Sure, I have to admit that putting a car in space is pretty cool and all, but come on. One Quaker to another, we have to admit that there are things more impressive than that.

You remember Writing Sem? The class that teaches you how to write—nay, how to think—like a cultured intellectual? The University’s truest litmus test for greatness?

Well, I got an A in it.

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Satire  Published 02/23/18 11:22am

Student Unwilling to Code Excited to Spend Summer Working Exclusively in Excel


Photo by Robin Corps / CC BY-SA 2.0

Martin Turner (C ’21) has made the decision that coding is not for him. This realization struck him when, despite working for eight hours a day one day a week, he received his second failing grade on an assignment for CIS 110. Reportedly, Turner said that he could turn the grade around "if he really wanted to," but he didn't want to miss the drop deadline and risk trashing his GPA over Java. Also, yeah, okay, he had "literally never worked harder in his life than he did for that class." Not everyone is born with the innate ability to hack.

Although Martin happens to be one of the unlucky few to whom computer programming did not come easily, it hasn’t dampened his career prospects. In fact, he happens to have an internship at a Fortune 500 company. He says that he’s looking forward to spending three months poring over Excel spreadsheets. “This is the real data analysis,” says Martin. “You can find everything you need in an Excel ToolPak.”

Satire  Published 02/23/18 11:22am

Van Pelt to Install Full-Body Scanners at Exit


Photo by Steven Perez / CC 2.0

Citing substandard security, Van Pelt Library director Bob Glass announced on Saturday that Van Pelt is planning to install full-body scanners at the library’s exit.

The scanners, purchased from the TSA, will replace a millisecond-long glance at patrons’ open backpack performed by security guards. Originally used to detect suspicious airplane carry-on items, such as toothpaste, the scanners will create nude renderings of everyone who walks through them and spot a stolen book 50 percent of the time.

Glass said he was disappointed by the method of security that Van Pelt has been using. “Security guards pretending to check your bags works pretty well, but it just wasn’t up to snuff,” he said. “Although only one book has been stolen in the last 40 years, we thought the security system needed an upgrade.”

Satire  Published 02/22/18 3:42am

Professor Forgets to Make Students Sit One Seat Apart During Exam, Class Average Still 47%


Photo by Xbxg32000 / CC BY-SA 3.0

Physics 150 students were elated Monday to find the proctor not enforcing the official class policy that seats during exams must be staggered. “Usually there’s at least some exam A and B bullshit, but this was the real deal,” gushed Tom Clark (C ’22). “I was taking the exact same exam as the guy next to me! And this guy was super nerdy. We’re talking thick-framed glasses and color-coded notes. I knew I had a shot for a good grade this time.” 

The excitement did not last through the exam. Students expressed that they quickly felt nervous about the test, as they were unable to read neighbors’ shitty handwriting and had come to the realization that everyone else in the room was equally as clueless about the material. When class met again Wednesday, this suspicion was confirmed by a big fat “47%” written on the chalkboard.

“I guess you can’t even profile based on glasses anymore,” reflects Clark. “My fault for not recognizing that they were Warby Parkers.”

Satire  Published 02/22/18 3:40am

Thank God! This Sophomore Definitively Ranked Penn’s Sororities to Make Up for His Tiny Penis


Photo by Aaron Hall / CC BY-SA 2.0

On Sunday evening, although nobody asked him to, Grant Samuels (W ‘20) created a five-point rubric for Penn’s sororities and managed to definitively rank them all over the course of fifteen minutes. Friends and family were relieved to hear Samuels had taken it upon himself to accomplish this important task, as it helps make up for his tiny penis.

Despite Samuels originally posting the ranking anonymously under the username “da truth,” it was later leaked to the student body that he was in fact the talented author. Reception to the post, describing the 200-person sorority Delta Gamma as, “full of self-obsessed uggos who are pretty smart but annoying as fuckk,” gave him enough confidence to compensate for his shockingly small peen.

A survey conducted by Penn’s Office of Fraternity and Sorority Life after his authorship was leaked found an interesting result: although previously 80% of female students on campus didn’t really think about Samuels that much, "except for that one time we did a Spanish project together,” now, a whopping 75% of female students on campus are always thinking about Samuels because “he’s so cool and really understands women.”

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Satire  Published 02/22/18 3:37am

​Engineering Student Builds up Enough Courage to Take Food Left out from Club Event


Photo from Max Pixel / CC0

After waiting anxiously for 30 minutes, checking in periodically to make sure everyone had left, Engineering sophomore Jared Brown finally gathered enough courage to slyly take a slice of pizza left out from the Engineers in Engineering GBM.

“It was nerve-racking,” Brown said in between bites, sweating. “The constant fear of being caught combined with my already-debilitating social ineptitude made for quite the challenge.”

Brown claims that no one saw him take the slice as he was in and out in under ten seconds. “It was all planned out,” he said.

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