News  Published 5 hours ago

People Care A Lot About Not Caring About The UA

After the DP posted about the Undergraduate Assembly Secretary resigning on Monday, the student body had a lot to say, mostly about how few shits they actually gave. Currently the number of "upvotes" received rivals the number of ballots cast in an actual election. Why you may ask? Well, this. Or perhaps, this


News  Published 9 hours ago

We Always Knew There Was Something Living In Van Pelt

Apparently, the fourth floor bathroom of Van Pelt has a different kind of pest problem. We thought Sasquatch's elusiveness was comparable to A-Gut's, but it turns out he's been in good ol' VP this whole time! 

While we value all of Penn's custodial staff, whoever did this is definitely our favorite.


News  Published 10 hours ago

BREAKING: USHER SPOTTED IN FROGRO!!!

This is our confession: At 10:46am today, USHER (allegedly) visited 40th and Walnut FroGro. And he used cash. The superstar is in Philly for an upcoming concert at the Wells Fargo Center, making us fall in love with him all over again.


 Published 11 hours ago

Polly Wants A Crack At Living Healthy

Penn Vets at Ryan Hospital have graced us with an emotional roller coaster of a story that rivals the likes of The Fault in Our Stars. Recently, they operated on nine-year-old Bocelli, an African-Grey parrot, and assured him a second chance at living a fulfilling bird-life. Not content to parrot the techniques of other hospitals, Dr. Dana Clarke used a laser inserted into Bocelli’s throat to cut away scar tissue that made it hard for cutie to breathe. 

Bocelli is now back home recovering, catching up on tweets, and snapping Instas for A Day in the Life at Penn. However, the doctors at Penn Vet aren’t the only intelligent chicks around. Bocelli has a 150-word vocabulary, and considering this is more extensive than the average Wharton student’s, we have to say we’re glad he’s still around to assure that his owner never gets any goddamn peace and quiet. Here's to a speedy recovery, Bocelli!


News  Published 13 hours ago

Amy G Adding Another Leadership Position To Her Resume

While us peasants are spending today  capturing our #PennDayinLife (which isn't grammatically correct), aka crying as we eat Wawa in the back our Stat lecture, Madame President is killing it as usual. Last year, our beautiful blonde bombshell was elected Vice-Chair of the Association of American Universities (the AAU for the uneducated) and we correctly predicted her future promotion. That's right, beginning today, A-Gut will be serving as the chair of the board of directors for the AAU!

As the President of Presidents, A-Gut will finally be able to solve all of Penn's most pressing problems (can we finally get that Whomping Willow?). The world is Amy's oyster and we can only hope she doesn't pack up her pantsuits leave us for something better ~**#ClintonGutmann2016~**.


Chasing Amy  Published 10/21/14 5:36pm

Chasing Amy: The Fabulous Face Of Family Weekend

Check out this email that was sent to all our parents to remind them of their can't-miss opportunity for face time with Queen Amy. Let's just take a moment to revel in Madame President, who looks positively RESPLENDENT in a green top and smart blazer. This stunning image must be the result of an A-list celebrity photo-shoot suited for a Vogue cover – and the results are majestic. Blonder than ever and amazingly fresh-faced at nearly 65 (!), A-Gut has taken glamour to a whole new level. University presidents: they're just like STARS!


News  Published 10/21/14 2:41pm

Sign Found In Harnwell Says The End Of Days Is Upon Us

Stop hitting your bong, poppin' your molly, or whatever substance-based fun you're having: they're coming for you. No, we don't mean the Philadelphia PD; there's a new sheriff on this campus, and not even the safest of places to get high are safe from the ever-so-scary Student Health Services, which has an impostor posting these fake signs all over the high-rises. Guess we should invest in a bunch of snapshotrs, since Penn hasn't yet announced its plans to breathalyze.


 Published 10/21/14 9:56am

Follow UTB's Day in the Life REALTALK -- As you lay in bed nursing your Tuesday morning hangover amidst an ever-encroaching pile of dirty laundry, click on over to our Instagram to see how Penn students just like you live A Day in the Life. You may be thrilled to discover that you're not the only one NOT casually tossing a Frisbee on College Green or discussing the Iliad with a pack of smiling racially-diverse friends. (And, if you're feeling inspired, send us some Fall pics here!)


News  Published 10/20/14 4:52pm

Philly's New Marijuana Law Is Now In Effect--Beginning today, carriers of less than 30 grams of weed will no longer face the prospect of a criminal record or jail time. Check out this video with super hip infographics to learn more. Looking to celebrate? We have a few ideas. 


News  Published 10/20/14 3:11pm

Surprise, Surprise: Penn Students Like Sex

As if Penn hasn't been ranked enough recently, we now have a new trophy to put in the case. According to Fiesta Frog, Penn is the 50th "Easiest College To Get Laid At." We're also the only school in the Ivy League that was rank-worthy, so at least our need to play up our status appears to be getting us in bed.

In terms of other colleges ranked, our neighbors at Temple came in at #33, while our unfortunate, similar-name bearing friends at Penn State placed at #16, which also happens to be the age of consent in PA. Coincidence? We think not.


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