Satire  Published 10 hours ago

Shocking! Girl Who Begins Every Text With Lowercase Letter Is Actually Not Chill at All


Photo by Sammy Gordon / The Daily Pennsylvanian 

Sophomore Allison Jackman begins all of her texts with a lowercase letter. While it comes off as chill and casual, Jackman actually uses it to compensate for her abrasive attitude.

In an interview with Under the Button, Jackman said that she loves to catch people off guard once they think she’s a relaxed free spirit.

“People think I’m completely chill and really down to earth, but actually, all of my texts are more more calculated than anyone could possibly imagine. I know what I want, I get what I want, and all these bitches who buy into my lowercase texts are just pawns in a game of chess rigged in my favor.”

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Satire  Published 10 hours ago

Yikes! Classics Major Tries to Get Laid by Quoting Virgil


Photo by LithiumoxideCC BY-SA 3.0

In this day and age, it can be hard to find your footing when trying to convince someone to sleep with you in your twin XL bed, all based on the vague allure of an unsatisfying or faked orgasm. However, this didn’t stop James Fulton (C ’20) from trying an alternative method to lure a girl into his unsanitary dorm room.

Fulton is a classics major, so he decided to bring his education to life by shouting lines from Virgil at freshman girls stumbling home from a late-night. Virgil is not known for having happy endings in his poetry—his most famous female protagonist stabs herself in the chest and then throws herself on a pyre when her boyfriend leaves her—but Fulton has familiarity interacting with dead people and dead languages because all he does is weep into his Latin translation of Harry Potter. So, he figured Virgil was a good poet to choose.

Fulton began by stretching out his neckbeard and melodiously calling, “Latet anguis in herba,” which translates to “a snake lurks in the grass,” the snake being his shriveled penis. Next, he tried “Fit via vi”, or “force finds a way,” which fortunately was not understood by any passersby. After several hours of clearing phlegm out of his throat to make way for his Latin incantations, he left the scene and headed home to wipe his tears away with pages from the Metamorphoses.

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Satire  Published 10 hours ago

Glow Up: Former High School NHS President Makes it to 9 A.M. On Time for the First Time in Months


Photo from Pxhere / CC BY 2.0 

College freshman Carmen Lieberman used to be quite the overachiever in high school. With the titles of NHS president, class treasurer, FBLA regional vice president, and honorary teacher’s pet under her belt, Lieberman came into Penn confident and ready to tackle both academic and extracurricular challenges.

Her enthusiasm manifested at the beginning of the year through joining several on-campus clubs (including a board position in the Penn Republican Society) and even working at an early-morning job. By the end of the second semester, however, Lieberman has been hit with “an overwhelming feeling of existential dread and a desire to aggressively juul anywhere and everywhere.”

On top of literally never having gone to her 7 a.m. job this entire semester, Lieberman has managed to skip her 9 a.m. lecture, where attendance is 10% of the grade, every day since the first week of school. “I really overestimated my ability to wake up before 1 p.m.,” she stated in an interview.

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Satire  Published 10 hours ago

How to Stop Shouting 'No! Me Precious Morsels!' Every Time a Nature Valley Bar Crumbles in Your Hands


Photo by Renee Comet / Public Domain

Nature Valley granola bars are delicious, nutritious snacks, making them a classic staple of every busy college student's diet. The only problem with this portable delight? It inevitably disintegrates between your greasy fingers before you even get to the second bar. The next thing you know, you're shrieking in despair in the middle of Locust Walk. Yikes! Here are some quick tips to help you stop shouting "No! Me precious morsels!" like a grubby little troll every time your Oats 'n Honey crumbles in your hands. 

1. Figure out why this keeps happening in the first place

If you want to break the habit of exclaiming "No! Me Precious Morsels!" like a sad, little granola monster, you need to get to the root of the problem. Ask yourself: "What is causing me to react this way?" Maybe it's because feel irritable when you're hungry, or maybe it's because your mother was very emotionally withholding during your childhood and you still haven't worked through the deep fear of inadequacy that her psychological torment left behind. Once you figure out why you have such a strong reaction to the daily inconvenience of your crumbling granola bar, you can figure out what steps to take next.

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Satire  Published 04/24/18 8:15am

Sophomore Skips Class to Avoid Being Cold-Called


Photo by Capture Queen / CC BY 2.0

Michael Richmond (E ’20) has been skipping a lot of his classes lately. After starting the semester on a good note, the early mornings and endless periods of procrastination have caught up to him. Or so everyone thinks.

The truth? Richmond is afraid of being cold-called by one of his CIS professors.

“There’s no scarier feeling than turning around to briefly talk to a friend and then hearing ‘Mike, you good?’ a split second later. Which one of you told him my name?” Richmond asked us.

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Satire  Published 04/24/18 8:14am

OP-ED: Hi, I Went to Your High School and Everything on the Internet Is True


Photo from pxhere / CC0

Hey, haven’t seen you since graduation, but I hope you don’t mind me sharing this article on your Facebook timeline about the OBAMAS donating $10 MILLION in supplies to ISIS! Have you seen this shit? Some words are in all capital letters so it must be important.

I have to browse the internet in between shifts at my family’s restaurant to stay sane. Check out this other article from the page “High-IQ Millennials.” Did you that know the cure to cancer has been found, but because cancer is a billion-dollar industry, the government keeps it hidden under Paul McCartney’s corpse?

By the way, if anyone needs a babysitter, I’m almost CPR-certified and I watch Dr. Oz regularly. I'll also give you free parenting advice (don't vaccinate).

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Satire  Published 04/24/18 8:14am

OP-ED: Purgatory Is the Time Between 'Assignment Created' and 'Assignment Graded'


Photo from Jane023 / CC0

A peaceful Saturday morning. I wake up at 9:26 a.m., rub my eyes blearily, and immediately grab my phone to see if anyone has texted me since 4:57 a.m., when I turned in for the night. Alas, nothing. But what I do see is a Canvas notification: "Assignment Created: Midterm 2."

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Immediately, I sit up and check to see if the exam has been graded. But no. My score reads "- / 100."

Throughout the day, I check my Canvas app, to no avail. It has been two weeks since I took the midterm. Two weeks! It must be graded by now. The grades must be in by now. They have entered the grades. The grades are in Canvas, waiting for us, muted, like a hundred evil gremlins about to be unleashed on our sinful souls.

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Satire  Published 04/24/18 8:10am

Junior Who's Watched 500 Hours of Gordon Ramsay Only Knows How to Yell at Roommates for Not Washing Dishes


Photo by gordonramsaysubmissions / CC BY 2.0

With the rise of internet food culture, it feels like anyone armed with a Yelp account and portrait mode gets to call themselves a food expert. But for one devoted fan of Gordon Ramsay, the act of cooking is an art form. As a self-proclaimed foodie who spends 60% of his time in class watching people dump ungodly amounts of cheese onto every edible substance known to man, you’d sort of hope that Victor Augustine (C ‘19) could do a little bit more in the kitchen than just make popcorn in the microwave. Unfortunately, Victor’s culinary skills are the food equivalent of kindergarten finger paintings.

Luckily for Augustine, there is one skill he’s picked up that’s distinguished him from all the idiot sandwiches in his life: an uncanny ability to shit talk his roommates every time they mess up while cooking.

“You’ve got the raw chicken next to cooked chicken in the fridge, are you trying to kill us, you dumbass?!” he angrily shouted at his roommate, last month. Augustine failed to mention that He had left the stove on overnight after trying and failing to make Ramsay’s “classic scrambled eggs” while blackout at 3 a.m.

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Satire  Published 04/24/18 8:04am

Student Excited to Spend Reading Days Getting Into a Good Book in for a Rude Awakening


Photo by lailajuliana / CC0

Susan Andrews (C '21) cannot wait for reading days. After a very long and very difficult semester, she’s really looking forward to spending a couple of days reading a good book. For months, she's been dreaming of curling up in some onesie pajamas, sipping a hot cocoa, and delving into an imaginary world.

“I love the fact that Penn has a tradition of just relaxing for a few days before finals. It’s so healthy to have a break in the middle of such a stressful time,” Andrews said.

Yeah, that would be really nice and healthy. 

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Satire  Published 04/24/18 7:57am

Report: 9/10 Students Sitting on College Green Have Ants Crawling Up Their Butts


Photo by Sasint / CC0

East-Coasters everywhere rejoice! While Californians are still complaining about how cold it is outside, Alaskans and pretentious Canadians alike are setting their air conditioners to -60 degrees. Not everybody can be happy with perfect 70 degree weather, apparently. But hey, at least it’s not snowing in the middle of spring!

And as the warm weather melts away students’ feelings of existential dread, so too is it pushing all of its students—Indian dance members and shirtless white dudes alike—to the beautiful outdoors. Students, however, are not the only ones that have found their homes on the beautiful grasses of College Green. Millions of ants belonging to the Class of 2022, after facing a record-low acceptance rate of 8.39% like the rest of the incoming freshman class, have eagerly joined their fellow undergraduates by crawling up their butts and into their book bags as they picnic and study outside.

"It just kinda ruins the experience of being outside," said Lorenzo Stein (W '19). "One moment, I'm sitting on the grass and having a good time. Then, bam! Bugs in my bunghole. I'm struck in terror! And then, before I know it, double bam! A bug flies into my mouth! Looks like I gotta cover my holes." 

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