Satire  Published 9 hours ago

​Donald Trump Misses Drop Period for Presidency; Has to Stick With It Until the End of the Term

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Photo: Karl-Ludwig Poggemann / Flickr


Despite previous reports that Donald Trump (W ’68) was considering dropping out of the presidency, we have confirmed that he has officially missed the drop period for this term. 

“Even though the job was pretty competitive to get, I was really just looking to shop around these past few weeks. I mean, I did my research,” Trump told UTB before we were uninvited from all of his press conferences. “On a 1-4 scale it was only supposed to be a 2.43 in terms of difficulty. Who knew this POTUS thing was actually so much work?”

“Later, I saw the score of my first approval rating— it was definitely below the median of past presidents,” Trump mused. “I realized I should probably drop the presidency and pick up something easier, like communications. Sean Spicer is my Communications Director, so how hard can it be?”

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Satire  Published 10 hours ago

Penn Honors Failed Alumni by Inscribing Their Names in Loose Bricks on Locust

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Photo: Phil Roeder / Flickr


Ever since Penn declared a 3.9 percent tuition increase, Quakers have been complaining about the University and how it treats its students: phrases like “stingy,” “not worth the money,” "too stressful," and “not Harvard” have all been overheard. Amy Gutmann addressed these concerns this week, announcing that Penn is undertaking a new initiative to recognize Penn alums and show the student body that, no matter what you do at Penn, the school cares about you and is thankful for you.

“Not all Penn grads make it,” Gutmann said. “Some just graduate without any clue how to tie their shoes, or how to deal with world affairs and understand basic economics. But they still matter.”

Unsuccessful, ill-adjusted alumni have been forgotten over the years – but not anymore. Penn is honoring failed Penn grads by inscribing their names into loose bricks across campus. Some 200 alums, completely forgotten by the world, will have their names scrawled onto the loose bricks to commemorate their glaring failure to contribute anything to society.

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Satire  Published 18 hours ago

Trump-mann Tweet of the Day

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Photo: David Akst / The Daily Pennsylvanian



Features  Published 02/26/17 9:16pm

Top Seven Oscars of All Time

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Photo: Becky Molinoff / The Daily Pennsylvanian


When the UTB writers heard that the Oscars are going to be on TV tonight, we decided to make a list of our favorites. Take a look!

1. Oscar Martinez: This lovable Dunder Mifflin accountant has his fair share of quirks, but he's one of few characters you can rely on in the hit television series The Office.

2. Oscar the Grouch: For all his negativity, you can't help but have a soft spot in your heart for Oscar the Grouch. His living situation will make you feel better about your own!

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Features  Published 02/26/17 8:12pm

Things to Say About the Oscars to Make it Look Like You're Cultured

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Photo: Davidlohr Bueso / Flickr


Much like everyone else this year, you've only seen one of the nine Best Picture nominees, and it was probably La La Land. As the Academy Awards unfold, here are some things that you can say very loudly so that the people around you think that you know literally something about film.

  1. I thought La La Land was good, but not great. I'm sure it'll win anyway.
  2. I LOVED Moonlight! It was truly moving, dynamic, and so necessary.
  3. Manchester by the Sea made me cry. These days, I'm thinking that Casey might be the better Affleck.
  4. Yes, I read about the sexual harassment accusations made regarding Casey Affleck. I actually meant to say "the worse Affleck."
  5. As a white Northeastern liberal, I was worried about Trump, but I'm so glad that the Oscars are much more inclusive this year. I think we're moving forward as a nation.
  6. Damien Chazelle is a visionary. I loved Whiplash, there was so much jazz! And to follow up with La La Land is incredible! Also so much jazz! I listen to jazz!
  7. Hacksaw Ridge was incredible. So incredible that, for a moment, I forgot that it was directed by a racist, sexist, homophobic anti-semite! 
  8. Viola Davis was fantastic in Fences! She won the Tony for the same role she's nominated for tonight! I knew that without doing frantic research three minutes ago!
  9. (Without reading from your computer) I love how La La Land pays tribute to the great musical films of the 1930s like those by Busby Berkeley and Fred Astaire!
  10. It's great that Ryan Gosling is becoming such a multi-talented artist! What a great singer! Talk about a triple threat.
  11. Casey Affleck's beard doesn't bother me at all. I am completely comfortable with it. It is not the worst thing to walk the red carpet since Mel Gibson (and his beard).


Features  Published 02/25/17 1:23pm

Penn's 20 Under 20

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Photo: Francisco Lupini Basagoiti / Wikimedia Commons (edited)


Forbes' ”30 Under 30” list is great for twenty-somethings, but the chances of having a multi-billion-dollar company or developing an artificial technology to teach writing at 19 are slim to none. Accepting this, we figured that a smaller list of people under 20 would be worthwhile, using different criteria to select those on the list. We're acknowledging 20 Penn students younger than 20 years old who have done great things and deserve recognition.

Emily Sasnick, 18: Didn’t repeat a single outfit for a week.

Derrick Price, 19: Left Van Pelt early enough to catch the sunset.

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Satire  Published 02/24/17 4:22pm

Junior Returns to Soul-Draining Internship From Previous Summer

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Photo: Oriez / Wikimedia Commons


Last year, Samuel Chen (W'18) was one of the lucky rising juniors to score a summer analyst internship at Goldman Sachs. Despite having a completely unfulfilling experience at his internship, he plans to return to Goldman this summer and, indeed, to work at the firm after graduation.

Chen described his work at Goldman as tedious and uninteresting. "Most of my responsibilities were fixing Excel spreadsheets and making presentations," he lamented. He regaled us with tales of late nights doing meaningless work, a frustrating boss, and a growing inability to speak to anyone who makes less than six figures a year.

"Even though I learned nothing worthwhile and hated it, I'm really excited to be going back this summer!" Chen insisted, flashing us his bright, LinkedIn profile picture-worthy smile. It took him several minutes of deep thought, but he was eventually able to cite some perks of the internship: networking, building his resume, and most importantly, taking photos in NYC to create a fire Instagram feed.

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Features  Published 02/24/17 3:23pm

Penn Glee Club Has Been Formally PUT ON NOTICE

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/ Penn News


Glee, you thought that we wouldn't respond?

In the art for an article on Penn News regarding their singing telegrams, Penn Glee members chose to stand in The Button, an action that we at Under the Button dot com find to be impermissible.

Contrary to popular belief, our organization's name doesn't stem from some crude, public sex act. Our offices are literally located underneath the Button statue, and these musical morons were intruding in an extremely rude fashion. We've got like 20 people trying to work under there and a bunch of random dudes standing in the middle of our office is not conducive to fostering a healthy work environment, no matter how well you sing. 

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Satire  Published 02/24/17 2:45pm

Trump-mann Tweet of the Day

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Photo: Meredith Mitchell / The Daily Pennsylvanian



Satire  Published 02/24/17 1:16pm

University To Allow Families Of Mice To Take Part In Housing Selection For 2017-2018

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/ Wikimedia Commons


In an effort to boost inclusivity and general campus welfare, Penn Residential Services has decided to allow families of mice to participate in the on-campus housing selection process for 2017-2018. The decision came after some rodent families expressed dissatisfaction with the lack of options offered by the University, in terms of both physical space and roommates.

“The mice claimed that their interests were being overlooked, leaving them with undesirable locations and rude, misbehaved, or generally offensive roommates,” said Residential Services spokesperson Stuart Peromyscus. “They’re being relegated to walls and beneath furniture, like small pests. Some freshmen have requested that we exterminate their roommates. Disgusting! What happened to communication?”

Many students live with rodent families - a decision they themselves did not make. Common complaints include mice stealing food, making noise at night, and never taking out the trash. However, Residential Services is looking to facilitate the room selection process in a manner they claim will increase the comfort of both mouse and human parties. “People like mice,” Peromyscus says. “They’re cute.”

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