Features  Published 09/23/16 3:00pm

CAPS LOCK MALFUNCTION RESULTS IN AGGRESSIVE EMAIL TO PROFESSOR

Communication is a key component of everyday life. Something as simple as a broken caps lock key can make the difference between a pleasant, respectful interaction and an overtly aggressive one. Jacob Edwards (C'20) recently learned this lesson.

"IT WAS JUST A SIMPLE EMAIL TO MY WRITING SEM PROFESSOR," says Edwards. "I WAS HAVING SOME TROUBLE WITH SOME OF THE DIRECTIONS ON AN ASSIGNMENT, SO I DECIDED TO SEND AN EMAIL," he continued.

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 Published 09/23/16 12:43pm

Race to the UA 2K16: People Making Promises They Can't Deliver

Unless you live under a rock, you're probably aware that this week a bunch of freshmen battled it out to see who could make it most obvious that they did student government in high school (Ed Note: Oh, you do live under a rock? Well sorry for disturbing you, go back to your hovel you little, beautiful, troll). As Penn's resident SWUGs, we're back once more to shamelessly judge these candidates posters. Elections may have ended at 5 PM yesterday, but that certainly won't stop us from having an opinion. 

Rahul Chopra

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News  Published 09/22/16 6:05pm

I Whip My Bananas Back And Forth

Brangelina split got you down? Forget that true love doesn’t exist, grab a friend, and head over to Hip City Veg, because HCV is offering a BOGO banana whip deal today only! For those of you who don’t know the lingo, or just prefer chicken over “chik’n”, BOGO= buy one get one free and banana whip= ambiguous amount of bananas whipped together in a hidden location in the back of the restaurant. See you there!

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 Published 09/22/16 4:08pm

Free Saxbys Pumpkin Cold Brew Today - Fall is here! Snag a free cold brew at Saxbys all day today.


Features  Published 09/21/16 3:13pm

On The Issues (Class Board Election Edition): Water Fountain Platforms

Every night, I am haunted by the same nightmare. I'm walking along Locust on my way to DRL when I suddenly clutch my throat, gripped with a parchedness like no man before me has experienced. I fall to my knees on the compass and crawl my way to Ben on the Bench. I grab Ben's leg and look into his knowing eyes, begging for refreshment. I waste away on the red bricks. If only there were more water fountains on campus. I can only imagine that most of my fellow Quakers have experienced the same nightmare scene.

No?

Well that's because no one is kept up at night by some strange perceived lack of water fountains on campus. However, candidates running for the Class Board of 2020 seem to identify this as a key issue to address during their time in office. It's time to stop.

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 Published 09/20/16 12:55pm

Dear UA Candidates: Stop Promising Longer Dining Hall Hours

A word of advice to the freshmen running for UA positions: don't tell people you're gonna get longer dining hall hours. Just don't. That's not how this works. There's a fucking union. Nothing you can ever do is gonna change that. Focus on the things you actually achieve, like doing typical freshman things or training to become a serial arsonist.


News  Published 09/19/16 4:33pm

Are You The Mayer Hall Arsonist? If So, Join UTB!

If you attempted to burn down Mayer Hall, we think you'd be a perfect fit for Under the Button. We are still trying to finish Lorenzo's work, so if you are interested, apply here!


News  Published 09/19/16 4:01pm

Confession: I Love Cavanaugh's Grilled Cheese

Let me start off by saying that I love cheese. I cannot emphasize this enough. Cheese is the greatest thing on this earth and I eat a shit ton of it (I’m a vegetarian, ok, cheese is PROTEIN so it is for my health).

That being said, I am always on a quest for the best grilled cheese. In Philadelphia the best grilled cheese is hands down MeltKraft. Don’t try to argue with me, it is a fact. But, I have to tell you guys, on our very own campus there is another grilled-cheese-hidden-gem, and that is none other than. . . CAVANAUGH’S.

I don’t care what people think about Cav’s. Who cares if it’s usually empty and has eerie lighting, they have damn good grilled cheese and everyone should try it. It is melty and perfectly crunchy. Also it has FIVE different cheeses – American, Jack, Provolone, White and Yellow Cheddar – and comes with French fries for only $5.49. That is a broke/drunk college student’s dream.

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News  Published 09/19/16 2:36pm

Wannabe Investment Banker Suggests Stealing From High-Rises

It began as an innocent question and, as always, it devolved into some ethical gray-areas on reddit. While Wannabe I Banker did not explicitly state that someone should simply steal expensive vacuums (Hoover is an iconic brand) from staff, the implication is clear. Stealing from upstairs is probably easy enough, but there may be a need for some Ocean's Eleven-style heisting if the original poster doesn't live in the high-rises.

Or he could just buy himself a vacuum like a responsible adult. 


 Published 09/19/16 1:18pm

51 Ways To Make An Impression As A Freshman

Tired of being overlooked or ignored because you're a freshman, or just because you're boring? Here's a few easy ways to change that, and get the attention that you deserve (and crave)! You'll thank us later.

  1. Show up to THEOS rush uninvited, ask if you can use their restroom

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