Features  Published 22 hours ago

ShutterButton: Mischief Strikes At Van Pelt

Can you smell that? No, it's not the smell of a burnt panini from Mark's Cafe – it's debauchery brewing in the air. But this isn't the kind of debauchery that takes place in the Van Pelt bathrooms. This is a crime that attacks our fragile, finals-addled minds at their most vulnerable. Imagine: It's your tenth straight hour studying BBB, and you jump at the chance for a $1 massage, too exhausted to realize that the sign is written in pencil. But if only you studied the functions of the brain more carefully, you'd realize how easy it is to mess with your head when you've been hitting the books all day, not even taking a break for that burnt Mark's panini.

If the lack of massages is getting you down, UTB encourages you to make studying fun – grab a group of friends and gossip about all the drama from formal in the Loud Study Area. Everyone in Van Pelt wants to hear about who passed out in the taxi on the way home from the Rhythm Room.

News  Published 05/01/15 1:47pm

Diamonds Are Forever (And So Is The Internet)

Though we probably know the answer to this question, we must ask anyway: Have you ever Googled yourself? While your embarrassing tweets from middle school might show up, Penn (and UTB) alum and comedy writer Kelly Diamond's Google search-induced woe is a bit more hardcore

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Features  Published 05/01/15 10:11am

Exclusive Formals You've Probably Never Heard Of

It's that time of the semester: Every group you're involved in, no matter how small and obscure, is probably hosting a formal at Bistro La Baia or one of the various permanently docked ships event spaces in the Philadelphia area. If you didn't snag an invite to these lesser known parties, however, then you're clearly not in the scene.

  • People who frequent Wawa late night formal: Open (hoagie) bar. Interactive touch screen e-vite.
  • West Philly Tutoring Project formal: Bring your student. Get crunk.
  • Fossil Free Penn formal: Bike there. Lights dimmer than normal, BYO musical instrument to reduce electricity use.
  • Flyerers formal: Everyone aggressively asks each other to dance but is always denied.
  • People who go to stat office hours at the same time: It is held in VP basement and is actually just a study session.
  • People who live on the top floor of each high rise formal: Everyone is late because the elevator ride to the ground floor took 20 minutes.
  • Construction workers formal: It takes place in the giant hole outside Hillel.
  • Transfer student formal: Pretty sure this legitimately exists.
  • Freshman that sign up for the Away From Kitchen dining plan (the one with 100,000,000 meal swipes): It’s at Commons.
  • People who have been MERTed: Dry event.

News  Published 04/29/15 12:33pm

Slate Shows Us What Really Happens In That Wasting Time On The Internet Class

As exams get closer and campus floods with stress, the amount of time we spend procrastinating skyrockets. So why not waste time on the internet by reading about wasting time on the internet

Penn's most questionable English professor and fashion maven Kenny Goldsmith let a Slate reporter observe his controversial class all semester. Apparently, in addition to time-wasting, the class also got to do a really fun activity called "Discomfort and Transgression" in which everyone exchanged laptops and searched through each other's internet histories(!). Basically, the class turned into a really odd Wharton behavioral lab, except no ten bucks.

Despite the reporter's uncomfortable experience, she seems to appreciate that Goldsmith is striking down the ideas of traditional academia. And so are we, because traditional academia means finals. Now if you'd excuse us, we're going to go waste some time while we eat our free donuts

News  Published 04/28/15 4:01pm

Federal Donuts Saves The Day: Free Donuts For Students During Finals

You heard it right — Federal Donuts is offering free donuts to any Penn student with a PennCard between April 28th and May 8th (and will be open 7 a.m. to 9 p.m.). So sink your teeth into a choice of Brown Sugar Cinnamon, Strawberry Lavender, or Vanilla Spice deliciousness as you sulk miserably in a VP group study room. There's a light at the end of the Finals-induced tunnel, and it comes in the form of fried dough and sugar. Thanks, Federal. You the real MVP.

News  Published 04/28/15 12:30pm

Emotions Are Running High In The VP Carrels

The sun is shining. There are children sliding Down The Button, enjoying their last traces of innocence. You, hunched over with the weight of your backpack, recoil from the sound of laughter and quickly scuttle up the steps of VP. Two papers and three finals are in your future, and you have it like so much harder than everyone else. Settling down in your carrel, you spend five minutes arranging highlighters and your books for an obligatory Snapstory, letting people know You Have Arrived. Then you see it. A scribbled “I was born this way!!!” Three exclamation points. Lady Gaga. Love. It’s all too much. You respond with “I Hate you so much” because you understand the spirit of finals.

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News  Published 04/27/15 8:31pm

SAY IT AIN'T SO – The NILF (Newscaster I'd Like To Fuck) that IS Anderson Cooper will no longer be gracing Penn's campus tomorrow, due to recent events in Baltimore. This was like, the perfect way to celebrate the last school night of the semester, but alas – reality calls.  

Features  Published 04/27/15 4:30pm

Eulogy For A Water Bottle Left In VP

In the Rosengarten Study Center in VP stands a cart, filled with the discarded water bottles of forgetful students. Below, is one student's apology to a lost friend, but we like to think it applies to them all:

In the beginning I thought there was no way we could ever be apart. I bursar'd you for more money than I would like to admit because I thought we were going to be together forever. You, with your blue plastic casing and enlarged "P." Me, with my proclivity for drinking large quantities of water to stay awake during three hour seminars. We were perfect, until one day I was working in VP and I probably left you there, on the table that is too close to the bathroom, in my haste to print before class.

I noticed your absence when I got home that night, a lightness in my backpack that made me feel empty. I walked around the next few days, thirsty, until I passed by the DVD check out place and caught a glimpse of blue plastic through the window. There you were, surrounded by others of your kind. I was about to go retrieve you, but I stopped. How could I be sure it was you? Was I willing to allow for the possibility of drinking from the bottle of another? I thought you might be happier there, among friends. Either way, I didn't get you, and I'm sorry. Maybe, I'll sift through the lost and found during Finals. More likely, I will not. 

News  Published 04/27/15 2:55pm

Intro To Buddhism Professor Doesn't Seem Very Zen

This surely isn't the first episode of "the nutty professor" — from the hip to the scandalous, we've seen it all. Finals haven't started yet, but this week we bring you an Intro to Buddhism professor who just isn't taking your crap.

1:49pm 04/25/2015

This final exam for Intro to Buddhism:
Section III
Way of Discipline:
Memorize the following passage and reproduce it for the examination. You must reproduce it from memory exactly how it is written here. If you make one mistake you will lose all the points eligible for this section. 34 points.

“Uposathakaranato pubbe navavidham pubbakiccam kaatabbam hoti tanthaanasammajjalananca tattha padiipuajjalananca aasanapannapananca paaniiyaparibhojaniiyuupatthapananca chandaarahaanam bhikkhuunam chandaaharananca”

Section IV
Punch yourself...in the mind...then complete the 9th perfection of the Bodhisattva Path

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