Published 19 hours ago

11 Of The Best Posts From The Penn ED Class Of 2021 College Confidential Thread

Penn Class of 2021 Early Decision came out today at 3:00, so UTB hit up the College Confidential ED thread to see how the applicants were doing before decisions came out. Here’s the best stuff we found:

  1. We appreciate that you posted this on the leap day, and hopefully that’s the only reason you decided to start the thread before about half of the Class of 2020 was even accepted. Also, god, Penn students are so competitive about the weirdest things!

  2. @Dartmouth_21: you are sending more mixed signals than Mark Ruffalo deciding whether or not to come to Penn.

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News  Published 22 hours ago

Rodin Takes Another L, Loses Hot Water For The Day

Another day, another disruption for students living in Rodin. We already knew it was the worst college house, or at least the worst highrise, but things just keep going wrong. 

Cornell Pitt, who we can't blame for these issues, is at least very nice in his email. He even acknowledges that "Rodin residents have gone through a lot this semester and this situation makes things more frustrating." 

We're not sure why Rodin is constantly having problems, but one thing is certain: residents can look forward to another full semester of difficulties. At least they have a pool table!

Features  Published 12/08/16 6:50pm

Things Longer Than Winter Break

Winter break is too damn short. To put its shortness in perspective, here is a list of things that are longer than Winter break.

  1. The walk to DRL

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 Published 12/08/16 4:39pm

UTB Joins The Hallowed Ranks Of 297K Twitter Accounts Followed By The Mindy Project

Last night, UTB finally received the coveted @TheMindyProject follow on Twitter dot com. One of only 297,000 accounts (it was 293,000 when we took the screenshot but they followed 4,000 more people overnight and we used up our weekly screenshot allowance) followed by whatever unpaid intern runs @TheMindyProject, UTB is finally getting the recognition it deserves as a major influencer on social media.

While we aren't sure what unites Under the Button with fellow accounts followed by the @TheMindyProject like The TRUTH and AFGE Local 32, we are thankful to be included in this hand-selected all-star cast of twitter accounts followed by @TheMindyProject.

News  Published 12/08/16 3:29pm

Club Penguin On The Issues: Gun Control

This week for Club Penguin On The Issues, we asked other penguins what they thought about gun control. The feedback was surprisingly weak. We have some potential conspiracy theories as to why Club Penguin users didn't respond to such incendiary comments:

  1. All the American CP users were at school. This left us with the international users from different time zones who probably felt less connected to the issue and perverted weirdos who were too afraid to type back a response in fear that the police would find them, and ask them why the hell they were on Club Penguin in the first place.
  2. The Big Government, in conjunction with the Liberal Media, is backing a huge censorship campaign that forbids all Club Penguin users from talking about their 2nd Amendment Rights and anything that could lead to the realization that climate change isn’t real.
  3. All CP users are children and don’t care about anything except igloos and puffle pets.

 Published 12/08/16 12:21pm

Watch This Beautiful Formal Request To Amy Gutmann

If you can get through this video without tearing up, then you have no heart. A Penn fraternity brother (who shall remain anonymous) wanted to take the most special woman on campus, President Amy Gutmann, to his formal, so he created this heartfelt plea to win her heart. Can you say magical? Amy, please reach out to us if you want to know the identity of this young man. 

News  Published 12/07/16 6:30pm

Trump Victory Prompts The Daily Pennsylvanian To Be Hacked By Russians

Yes, this actually happened. Last week, DP staffers were rather puzzled when perusing Google Analytics. At the time of this article, " You are invited! Enter only with this ticket URL Copy it. Vote for Trump!" is not a language and raised general alarm in the DP newsroom

Upon further investigation, DPeople discovered that this odd data is the result of a Google Analytics hack on the part of Russian Trump fanatic by the name of Vitaly Popov. Reportedly, Popov has been using a robot to create fake website visits and push the Pro-Trump message into the language field.

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Features  Published 12/07/16 5:24pm

Call To Action Now That American Apparel Is Broke

American Apparel is broke. Because of this they are having a huge sale, which makes their clothes officially affordable. Now the question is, what should you buy? Read on for UTB’s top suggestions.

1. Holiday Gifts

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 Published 12/07/16 4:29pm

Genius: Nervous RA Comes Up With List Of Alternative Contraceptives

Daniel Burex, a junior RA in the quad, is too nervous to go to Fro-Gro to buy condoms, but the freshmen on his floor sure as hell aren't going to do it. He knows they need to use some sort of protection, or else they'll end up having a kid and naming it something stupid, like Jaxson or Rainbow. Luckily, Todd is a clever ivy-league student and thought up a genius list of alternative forms of contraception that he has readily available:

  1. A Pair of crocs
  2. A Pair of crocodiles
  3. Your disappointed grandmother
  4. A Nickelback tattoo
  5. Sex panther cologne (only works 60% of the time)
  6. A Swift kick to the nuts
  7. PB&J with the crusts cut off
  8. The realization that the bees are dying at an alarming rate
  9. Chlamydia
  10. Tickets to the Shabbatones concert
  11. Spiky stubble
  12. account
  13. Posting on the class page
  14. Chastity belt
  15. A playlist of babies crying
  16. Mountain dew
  17. Your disappointed priest
  18. Subscription to the Statesman
  19. An abstinence-only sex education
  20. Third and fourth nipples
  21. A balloon covered in worries
  22. Tinder Plus
  23. Feet for hands
  24. Editorial position at Under the Button
  25. MERT outfit

 Published 12/07/16 2:20pm

Sign Our Petition So Hoodie Allen Won't Perform At Fling

Spring Fling has brought some great artists to Penn: Akon, Chance the Rapper, Ke$ha, David Guetta,Tiesto, and plenty of others. Some artists, however, have cheapened the concert series: Tyga, for example, was perhaps not the best choice in 2013, no matter how big of a hit "Rack City" was.

We don't want certain artists to perform at Fling, no matter how big of a connection they have to Penn. In response to a student on Twitter, Penn alum and frat rapper Hoodie Allen expressed his interest in performing at Spring Fling. "I could only dream", wrote Allen. We cannot let this dream become a reality.

Hoodie Allen is not joking around about performing at colleges this spring, as made clear by this tweet. We have to stop him, before it's too late.

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