Published 1 hour ago

QUIZ: Are You A Good Roommate?

Your roommate may suck, but are you any better? 

 Published 21 hours ago

How Many Triplets Are In 3hree Triplets Fitness?

Everyone on campus knows, or knows about, the Jones triplets. Aside from being identical triplets, which already sets them apart on campus, they're also all incredibly handsome, fit, friendly, and good at dancing. They were on Family Feud, where they dabbed on Steve Harvey with their lovely parents. They were featured on BET as "People You Should Know." Together, the triplets run 3hree Triplets Fitness, a fitness organization which hosts bootcamp workouts on campus so you can look at them and feel bad about how many crunches you can do (two and a half).

But behind the perfection that the Jones triplets seem to embody, there lies a startling truth. There are nine people involved in 3hree Triplets, presumably all related, potentially all identical. There must be two other sets of triplets involved in their fitness organization, based on the name. Let's break it down. 3hree Triplets would be redundant if it referred to only one set, because triplets already implies a group of three siblings. The fitness organization's name proves that there are 9 individuals-- three sets of triplets. We don't know the science of it, but we know the math-- PEMDAS doesn't lie. 3hree Triplets = 3*(1+1+1) = 3*3 = 9 individuals.

So what do the other two sets of triplets do? Are they in hiding, working behind the scenes to build a fitness empire? Are they all as jacked as Ahmad, Khalil, and Malik? Do they take turns posing as Ahmad, Khalil, and Malik on some sort of rotation schedule? We have a lot of questions, but one thing is certain: there are three sets of triplets in 3hree Triplets Fitness, which sounds like… a lot of triplets.

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 Published 22 hours ago

Penn Can No Longer Afford The Tampons

It's no secret that President-elect and Penn alum Donald Trump has a less-than-ideal stance on women's health issues. We all knew that his positions could and would affect us, our loved ones, and many people on this campus. But we didn't know it would affect the campus itself.

A beloved if oft-mocked campus installation, the Tampons are a landmark on Locust. Unfortunately, Penn can't afford to keep them.

In an emotional address to Penn students and local news outlets, President Amy Gutmann announced the University's decision to sell the Tampons. 

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 Published 12/01/16 12:58pm

What Happened To November 31st, And Are We Living In The Matrix?

This morning, millions of Americans woke up expecting another normal, crisp November 31st. We got dressed and ready to take on the weird weather and the uncertainty that accompanies a post-Amy-Gutmann-sanctuary-misinterpretation world. Little did we know that we’d be blindsided by the arrival of December a day before we’d anticipated. Talk about pulling a Mark Ruffalo!

When asked a leading question about his feelings of shock and betrayal, anonymous student Sam Holland said, “After I survived daylight savings, I figured I was in the clear. Now, I’m one day behind with finals coming up!”

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News  Published 12/01/16 10:58am

Dank Bee Movie Meme Somehow Enhanced By Amy Gutmann

As some of you memelords out there may already know, youtube memes centered around the groundbreaking, Academy Award-winning 2007 film, Bee Movie, have been appearing at an impressive rate. Jerry Seinfeld's classic animated film has been giving the meme economy the boost it needed and the NASDANQ is soaring.

However, a new Bee Movie meme has entered the cyberspace and it's glorious. Brought to our attention by the grand Facebook page Penn For Dank Memes, "the Bee Movie Trailer but bee is replaced with an unexpected Amy Gutmann moment" is everything we could have ever asked for.


 Published 11/30/16 7:01pm

Gutmann: "I Meant Sanctuary, The Band"

President Amy Gutmann made a big announcement this morning, proclaiming via email that Penn "is and has always been a sanctuary" for undocumented students. In the email, she also stated that the various federal immigration enforcement groups will not be allowed on campus without a warrant. Without using the exact phrase, Gutmann has declared the University of Pennsylvania a sanctuary campus.

Or at least, she had. Amy Gutmann called UTB (the leading news publication on campus) to clarify her statement, and distance herself from the email.

"Members of the administration put that email together at my behest, but they fundamentally misinterpreted my point," Gutmann insisted. "I told them nothing more than to make public that Penn is a Sanctuary campus, and they went and wrote all that stuff. I meant Sanctuary, the band."

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 Published 11/30/16 5:06pm

Just Because It's Hot Out Doesn't Mean Global Warming Is Real

Hi everyone. You have probably noticed that today’s forecast shows a high of almost 70 degrees, which in some people’s opinion is “really fucking hot for the end of November.” As a result, some people think this is suddenly an open invitation to say global warming exists. We're here to tell those people once and for all: you’re wrong and we hate you.

For those of you who recall our previous newsblast about the strange weather, you know that UTB’s stance on global warming is that it’s a hoax perpetrated by President Obama (in contrast to Donald Trump’s views). We stand by that position and we anticipate that things will once again get real frigid when Trump takes the presidency.

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 Published 11/30/16 3:15pm

UTB Starts Food Delivery Service!

So, you've come back from eating a bunch of quality food over Thanksgiving break and see your own pantry looking pretty empty in comparison. You could always go grocery shopping, but let's be honest, no one actually likes FroGro. Good thing we at UTB are really expanding our services: we're now providing unlimited food delivery to qualifying members!

What you can get:

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Features  Published 11/30/16 2:04pm

Talks We Want To See At TEDxPenn

At least three people are excited that TEDxPenn is returning in April 2017. While the topics at this independently-organized and non-affiliated TED event aren't up to UTB (though they should be), we came up with some suggestions that could increase the number of people in attendance to at least four. Get ready to be learned!

  1. You Can Reserve a GSR Using Only Your Mind
  2. How to Train Your Dragon
  3. These Are the Stores That Are Not Wawa
  4. How Sex Under the Button Can Save Your Life
  5. Closets: Are they Flammable? - Lorenzo Bonfiglio
  6. What If Instead of Saying “Hooking Up” We Said “Mating”?
  7. I Tested the Urine On Ben Franklin and One of You Needs Medical Attention
  8. You’re All Going to Hell - the Preacher on College Green
  9. How to Determine Which Public Benches Are Free of Fecal Matter
  10. Go from Masturbating Horses for Free to Masturbating Horses for Money!
  11. How to Cook a Ten Course Meal Using Only a Coffee Pot and the Lint from the Corner of Your Room
  12. How to Deal with Your Roommate Who Unironically Listens to Vaporwave
  13. Climate Change and More Science You Should Ignore
  14. Why We Should Build More Bridges Over 38th Street
  15. Has anyone Really Been Far Even as Decided to Use Even Go Want to Do Look More Like?
  16. Introducing a New Task Force to Combat the Excessive Creation of Task Forces
  17. How to Succeed in Business without Trying – Like Actually Zero Effort
  18. Feasibility of a Subway That Goes from to High Rises to DRL
  19. Hone Your Ability to Control Your Pheromones So They Perfectly Agree with to Senses of Your Crush
  20. What’s with the Wind?
  21. How to Resurrect Ben Franklin
  22. How to Maximize Food Delivery Efficiency
  23. Club Penguin Is an Allegory for the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
  24. How to Get Back the Six Hours You Wasted On the Gilmore Girls Revival Season
  25. What’s Wrong with American Education? A Closer Look at Bees.

News  Published 11/29/16 8:15pm

Chief Keef x Shabbatones At CODA

Finals are right around the corner - if only we could take the edge off with a Chief Keef and/or Shabbatones concert… Lucky for us, the “Hate Bein’ Sober” rapper is indeed performing at CODA this Friday with the help of none other than the Shabbatones!

That’s right, our favorite Chicago rapper and our favorite Jewish a cappella group are teaming up to bring an experimental drill rap experience just in time for the holidays. Expect to hear Chief Keef favorites like “I Don’t Like” and “Semi On Em’” with a special “Sha-Shabba” twist (not a Chief Keef song but close enough).

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