Satire  Published 4 hours ago

Trump-mann Tweet of the Day

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Photo: David Akst / The Daily Pennsylvanian



Satire  Published 5 hours ago

OP-ED: Why My Top Pick For The Fling Headliner Is Billy Ray Cyrus

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Photo by Chad J. McNeeley / Public Domain


With only a few more days until the unveiling of this year's Fling artist, it's time we all think about which headliner the people really want. Ariana Grande? Kanye West? Beyoncé? Child's play.

I think we all know that there is one man that this school wants. And his name is Billy Ray Cyrus.

First of all, we've never had a country artist headline Fling. Everyone will appreciate the diverse artistry that Billy Ray brings to the table. And what if we have a rapper as an opener? That could make way for some sick collabs. Chief Keef and Billy Ray Cyrus would be a groundbreaking combination, and Penn is a groundbreaking school. It's time to pull on our cowboy boots and step into the future.

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Satire  Published 6 hours ago

Power Outages Strike Again, Huntsman is Now the Sole Beacon of Light in This Dark World

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Original by Lizzy Machielse, edited by Amanda Nart / The Daily Pennsylvanian 


You may have heard about the PECO power outages that struck the 39th block of Spruce and of Delancey during the snowstorm in early March. These outages inconvenienced a large number of people in Greek life organizations who lived on the block, as well as whoever else lives around there. 

Unfortunately, a similar fate has now befallen literally every building on Walnut, Locust, Delancey, and Spruce between 33rd and 41st. There is only one building left alight (yes, DRL still has lights, but no one wants to go there). One lighthouse for the rest of the Penn community to look towards and take refuge in. This building is Huntsman Hall, obviously. 

It should be a familiar feeling for most Penn students — no matter what is happening, Huntsman always seems to be dealt the best hand. This time, it's the only building with functional lights, heat, or wifi. It's unclear whether Huntsman is the only building on campus with its own generator, or if God simply chose Huntsman to survive these dark days in a Noah's Ark-type scenario. 

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Satire  Published 03/24/17 3:43pm

Pull-Out Game Weak AF: Naive Freshman Fails to Understand the Difference Between Dropping and Withdrawing from a Course

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Photo: Lea Eisenstein / The Daily Pennsylvanian


Keeping up with important dates on Penn’s absurdly long academic calendar is cumbersome for any student, but freshmen who are navigating it for the first time can find it especially challenging. 

One freshman in particular learned the hard way that, when it comes to shopping around for classes, relying on withdrawal can cause a messy situation.

When Alex Chadwick (C’ 20) decided to register for an anthropology class on the Silk Road at the beginning of the semester, he figured he would take some time to decide whether to actually pursue the credit. After some soul-searching and numerous disappointing quiz grades, he finally opted to drop the course from his schedule this Thursday—10 full weeks into the 14-week semester. But when he logged into Penn InTouch to finalize the decision, he quickly realized that he had made a grave miscalculation: He mistook “withdrawing from a course” for “dropping a course.”

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Satire  Published 03/24/17 3:09pm

Trump-mann Tweet of the Day

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Photo: Meredith Mitchell / The Daily Pennsylvanian



Satire  Published 03/24/17 2:01pm

Pennovation at Work? Student Saves Valuable Time and Energy By Photographing Lecture Slides Instead of Taking Notes

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Photo: Seth Fein / The Daily Pennsylvanian, Creative Commons, Pixabay (edited)


It was in the middle of his sociology lecture that Joseph Cohen had a revelation.

“I was sitting there, listening intently, taking comprehensive notes—like a dweeb,” Cohen recounted. “And I thought, ’This is an elite institution. Why are we still learning like it’s the 19th century?’”

So, in an excited burst of creativity and laziness, Cohen whipped out his iPhone and took a sideways picture of the current lecture slide. “Boom. Just took half a page of notes in a millisecond. And they’re in the most convenient place: my camera roll.”

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Features  Published 03/23/17 6:10pm

WATCH: This Amy Gutmann Video Op-Ed Is Either Terrible or Groundbreaking

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Photo: Jeffrey Abelson / Vimeo (screenshot)


Some videos are so bizarre that they seem fake, but this one appears to be very real. Seven years ago, Amy Gutmann contributed to the most incredible avant-garde video op-ed of our time. The director of this masterpiece also directed several music videos, including one in which Arnold Schwartzenegger tries to murder Guns N' Roses

Words cannot express how fundamentally unsettling the footage is, so take a look at it for yourself below. It's only two and a half minutes, please watch it all.

Engaging Students In Democracy from Jeffrey Abelson on Vimeo.

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Satire  Published 03/23/17 4:34pm

Backpack Policy Confirms That Fisher Fine Arts Cares More About Its Appearance Than Its Books

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Photo: Matthew Marcucci / Public Domain/ English Wikipedia


Like the Penn students that study there, Fisher Fine Arts cares more about its appearance than what's inside. Its backpack-checking policy, which requires a security guard to check students' backpacks for snacks and other highly illicit items as they enter, reveals what this library really cares about: its beautiful interior.  They might as well place a sign by the entrance that says, "Stealing books is welcome here, but your granola bar isn't."

Students report that Fisher's backpack-checking policy is less effective in practice than it is in theory: in reality, it has roughly a 0% success rate in preventing snacks from entering.  "I sneak a sushi bowl in with me each day.  Why do I have to keep opening my backpack if no one is going to look?" said College freshman Jen Rosen.

Though the efficacy of Fisher Fine Arts' backpack policy is similar to Van Pelt's backpack policy, the similarities end there. Van Pelt's policy is actually the exact opposite, indicating that Van Pelt values its books far more than its appearance. But we didn't have to look to Van Pelt's backpack policy to figure that one out.


Satire  Published 03/23/17 2:37pm

Trump-mann Tweet of the Day

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/ The Daily Pennsylvanian



Satire  Published 03/23/17 1:35pm

Anheuser-Busch Announces Plans to Introduce "Natty IPA" to College Markets

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Photo: David Akst / The Daily Pennsylvanian


In the beginning, there was nothing. Then, Anheuser-Busch created Natural Light in 1977. More than a decade later came Natural Ice, a higher ABV ice beer introduced in 1995. In 2012 came the infamous Natty Daddy, a malt liquor to supplement the already-great offerings of the Natural brand. Now, a fourth member of the family is born.

Anheuser-Busch has long been the champion of the American college student, producing beers both cheap and generally palatable. Capitalizing on a clearly underserved niche on college campuses, the company has announced plans to bring a Natural-branded IPA into production. 

"We're proud to unveil the Natty IPA, and we're confident that consumers are going to love it," Anheuser-Busch spokesman Hop Barlman told reporters at a press conference this morning. "It has all your favorite aspects of the Natural brand with a more grown-up, complex flavor."

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