Satire  Published 14 hours ago

Sophomore Skips Class to Avoid Being Cold-Called

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Photo by Capture Queen / CC BY 2.0


Michael Richmond (E ’20) has been skipping a lot of his classes lately. After starting the semester on a good note, the early mornings and endless periods of procrastination have caught up to him. Or so everyone thinks.

The truth? Richmond is afraid of being cold-called by one of his CIS professors.

“There’s no scarier feeling than turning around to briefly talk to a friend and then hearing ‘Mike, you good?’ a split second later. Which one of you told him my name?” Richmond asked us.

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Satire  Published 14 hours ago

OP-ED: Hi, I Went to Your High School and Everything on the Internet Is True

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Photo from pxhere / CC0


Hey, haven’t seen you since graduation, but I hope you don’t mind me sharing this article on your Facebook timeline about the OBAMAS donating $10 MILLION in supplies to ISIS! Have you seen this shit? Some words are in all capital letters so it must be important.

I have to browse the internet in between shifts at my family’s restaurant to stay sane. Check out this other article from the page “High-IQ Millennials.” Did you that know the cure to cancer has been found, but because cancer is a billion-dollar industry, the government keeps it hidden under Paul McCartney’s corpse?

By the way, if anyone needs a babysitter, I’m almost CPR-certified and I watch Dr. Oz regularly. I'll also give you free parenting advice (don't vaccinate).

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Satire  Published 14 hours ago

OP-ED: Purgatory Is the Time Between 'Assignment Created' and 'Assignment Graded'

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Photo from Jane023 / CC0


A peaceful Saturday morning. I wake up at 9:26 a.m., rub my eyes blearily, and immediately grab my phone to see if anyone has texted me since 4:57 a.m., when I turned in for the night. Alas, nothing. But what I do see is a Canvas notification: "Assignment Created: Midterm 2."

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Immediately, I sit up and check to see if the exam has been graded. But no. My score reads "- / 100."

Throughout the day, I check my Canvas app, to no avail. It has been two weeks since I took the midterm. Two weeks! It must be graded by now. The grades must be in by now. They have entered the grades. The grades are in Canvas, waiting for us, muted, like a hundred evil gremlins about to be unleashed on our sinful souls.

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Satire  Published 14 hours ago

Junior Who's Watched 500 Hours of Gordon Ramsay Only Knows How to Yell at Roommates for Not Washing Dishes

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Photo by gordonramsaysubmissions / CC BY 2.0


With the rise of internet food culture, it feels like anyone armed with a Yelp account and portrait mode gets to call themselves a food expert. But for one devoted fan of Gordon Ramsay, the act of cooking is an art form. As a self-proclaimed foodie who spends 60% of his time in class watching people dump ungodly amounts of cheese onto every edible substance known to man, you’d sort of hope that Victor Augustine (C ‘19) could do a little bit more in the kitchen than just make popcorn in the microwave. Unfortunately, Victor’s culinary skills are the food equivalent of kindergarten finger paintings.

Luckily for Augustine, there is one skill he’s picked up that’s distinguished him from all the idiot sandwiches in his life: an uncanny ability to shit talk his roommates every time they mess up while cooking.

“You’ve got the raw chicken next to cooked chicken in the fridge, are you trying to kill us, you dumbass?!” he angrily shouted at his roommate, last month. Augustine failed to mention that He had left the stove on overnight after trying and failing to make Ramsay’s “classic scrambled eggs” while blackout at 3 a.m.

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Satire  Published 14 hours ago

Student Excited to Spend Reading Days Getting Into a Good Book in for a Rude Awakening

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Photo by lailajuliana / CC0


Susan Andrews (C '21) cannot wait for reading days. After a very long and very difficult semester, she’s really looking forward to spending a couple of days reading a good book. For months, she's been dreaming of curling up in some onesie pajamas, sipping a hot cocoa, and delving into an imaginary world.

“I love the fact that Penn has a tradition of just relaxing for a few days before finals. It’s so healthy to have a break in the middle of such a stressful time,” Andrews said.

Yeah, that would be really nice and healthy. 

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Satire  Published 14 hours ago

Report: 9/10 Students Sitting on College Green Have Ants Crawling Up Their Butts

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Photo by Sasint / CC0


East-Coasters everywhere rejoice! While Californians are still complaining about how cold it is outside, Alaskans and pretentious Canadians alike are setting their air conditioners to -60 degrees. Not everybody can be happy with perfect 70 degree weather, apparently. But hey, at least it’s not snowing in the middle of spring!

And as the warm weather melts away students’ feelings of existential dread, so too is it pushing all of its students—Indian dance members and shirtless white dudes alike—to the beautiful outdoors. Students, however, are not the only ones that have found their homes on the beautiful grasses of College Green. Millions of ants belonging to the Class of 2022, after facing a record-low acceptance rate of 8.39% like the rest of the incoming freshman class, have eagerly joined their fellow undergraduates by crawling up their butts and into their book bags as they picnic and study outside.

"It just kinda ruins the experience of being outside," said Lorenzo Stein (W '19). "One moment, I'm sitting on the grass and having a good time. Then, bam! Bugs in my bunghole. I'm struck in terror! And then, before I know it, double bam! A bug flies into my mouth! Looks like I gotta cover my holes." 

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Satire  Published 04/23/18 4:44pm

Passionate Professor Gets Teary-Eyed About The Death of Abraham Lincoln As the Whole Class Fully Browses Facebook

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Photo by Steve Perrin / CC BY 2.0


Timothy Dean is a tenured history professor with an unmatched knowledge and passion for Civil War studies. In his free time, he does pretty much nothing besides watch Ken Burns documentaries about the American South and crafting charcoal portraits of Abraham Lincoln. He teaches a course on the Civil War this semester, but unfortunately, the administration just decided the class double counts for both a Sector and Foundational Approach. This explains why all of his students could not care less about what he has to say.

Last week, in lecture, Professor Dean reached the portion of the course he had mentally been preparing himself for: Abraham Lincoln's assassination. He felt so connected to Lincoln's life and legacy that he could not help but get emotional about it. As he began to lecture about that fateful evening at the Ford's Theatre, Professor Dean found that he was tearing up. He just couldn't handle it. He looked up at the classroom, as if to find consolation from his students, when he found that every single person in the room was looking right at their laptops. Some kids even had headphones in. He felt alone, betrayed, devastated. Nothing could stop the tears now.

Dean reports that his crying went on for at least five to ten minutes. Still, no response from his students. He knows they were using class time to browse Facebook, and there was nothing he could do about it. Finally, we asked him when he was going to give out the midterm to the class. Right then, he burst into tears one more time.


Satire  Published 04/23/18 4:39pm

Lonely Student Wishes Someone Would Try Making Lunch Plans With Them on Locust

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Photo by Julio Sosa / The Daily Pennsylvanian


You know, I’ve tried to be sympathetic. I really have.

I tell myself that being constantly bothered on Locust Walk by offers to get lunch or catch up must be excruciating.

That it’s an inconvenience I cannot understand.

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Satire  Published 04/23/18 2:25pm

Wow! This Cool and Alternative Student Thinks There Are Too Many Starbucks On Campus

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Photo by Anthony Lagana / The Daily Pennsylvanian 


While many students relish the easy access to caffeine on campus, College sophomore Nick Alms takes an unprecedented stance. “There are too many Starbucks shops on campus,” Alms said boldly. “It came to me in a dream—this thought. While everyone else is out there following the herd, mobile ordering their Caramel Macchiatos, I’ll be out here alone, in search of something better.”

Alms explained that he was exposed to ‘real’ coffee while abroad. “When I was in London, I learned the true art of the coffee bean. It’s just not something that’s understood here. There’s a specific word used to describe it, but I’m not sure how you would say it in America. Some things get lost in translation,” Alms contended.

Alms clarified that his passion for originality stems far beyond the realm of coffee roasting. “It’s crazy to be such a free-thinker,” Alms said, shuffling his New Balance-clad feet. “Sometimes I feel isolated knowing that no one else sees the world in the deeply nuanced way that I do.”

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Satire  Published 04/23/18 2:06pm

Huntsman Student With Target Language in Russian Now Has to Live in Russia Next Semester

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Photo from elianemey / CC0


Meet Ali Johnson, a freshman from the Upper East Side of Manhattan and a young intellectual in the Huntsman Program in International Studies and Business. For a variety of reasons related to international affairs, Johnson decided that her target language would be Russian.

Yesterday, Johnson realized that was a mistake because she is now obligated to live there all next term. Yikes!

Monday morning, Johnson received her host family placement for her mandatory term abroad. The Kuznetsovs, who she will be living with, are a family of four from the rural Krasnoyarsk region of central Russia. They live in an agricultural community a convenient 20 minutes outside of Bashkir State University, the government-run Russian university Johnson will be attending. In an interview, Johnson said the concept of this family is “super cool.”

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