Satire  Published 12 minutes ago

Trump-mann Tweet of the Day


Photo: Meredith Mitchell / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Satire  Published 1 hour ago

University To Allow Families Of Mice To Take Part In Housing Selection For 2017-2018


/ Wikimedia Commons

In an effort to boost inclusivity and general campus welfare, Penn Residential Services has decided to allow families of mice to participate in the on-campus housing selection process for 2017-2018. The decision came after some rodent families expressed dissatisfaction with the lack of options offered by the University, in terms of both physical space and roommates.

“The mice claimed that their interests were being overlooked, leaving them with undesirable locations and rude, misbehaved, or generally offensive roommates,” said Residential Services spokesperson Stuart Peromyscus. “They’re being relegated to walls and beneath furniture, like small pests. Some freshmen have requested that we exterminate their roommates. Disgusting! What happened to communication?”

Many students live with rodent families - a decision they themselves did not make. Common complaints include mice stealing food, making noise at night, and never taking out the trash. However, Residential Services is looking to facilitate the room selection process in a manner they claim will increase the comfort of both mouse and human parties. “People like mice,” Peromyscus says. “They’re cute.”

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Features  Published 20 hours ago

Fill Out Our Survey About the Penn Administration, Media, and Campus Climate


Photo: Public Domain / Pixabay

This survey will help us make UTB, and Penn, better for everybody. It could, perhaps, be compared to Trump's Mainstream Media Accountability Survey. Please scroll down through the questions, and answer as accurately as possible. 

Satire  Published 22 hours ago

Trump-mann Tweet of the Day


Photo: Amanda Nart / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Satire  Published 02/23/17 1:59pm

Donald Trump's Junior Year Transcript


Photo: Gage Skidmore / Flickr

Here it is, everyone. We finally got our hands on a section of President Trump's transcript, and the contents are sure to make some waves. Check out his junior year transcript in two parts below, and we'll try to find his senior year transcript as soon as we can.

For more Trump-related content, click here. Or click here. You can even click here.

Features  Published 02/23/17 10:46am

How to Get Kicked Out of Class Now That the Drop Period Is Over


Photo: File Photo / The Daily Pennsylvanian

In case you didn't hear, the drop period ended last Friday. That means that you or one of your loved ones are stuck with the crappy fifth class you planned to drop, or the pointless-but-demanding elective you regret signing up for. But are you really stuck? Think outside the box.

While your situation may seem hopeless, there is one one very simple way to get out of any class: getting kicked out. Here are seven foolproof ways to ensure that you will be asked to drop the class.

1. Sit in the very front of the room but, instead of paying attention to the professor, take out your favorite newspaper and start reading, completely obscuring your face and blocking the view of those behind you.

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Satire  Published 02/22/17 5:02pm

Penn Increases Tuition to Fund Purchase of More Weird Sculptures


Photo: Marc Smith / Flickr

Last week the University Board of Trustees signed off on another 3.9 percent tuition hike for undergraduates, raising Penn’s cost of attendance by $2,610 to $68,610. Although inflation rates that high are usually only good news when you’re talking about grades, this time around Penn is promising that these increases are in the best interest of its students.

One might expect Penn to use this added revenue to invest in high rise elevator renovations or enigmatic task forces, but today the administration has made it clear that the goal of these price increases is to fund the creation of even more bizarre sculptures on campus.

The University recognizes that weird sculptures are what’s bringing tourism dollars and attracting prospective students to Penn. “With the popularity of installations like the LOVE sculpture, the Button, and Covenant, we decided that we need to invest even more money in weird art. We received an overwhelmingly positive reaction from the four students we polled about this decision."

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Satire  Published 02/22/17 3:32pm

Trump-mann Tweet Of The Day


Photo: Gena Basha / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Satire  Published 02/22/17 1:46pm

Sophomore Only Scores Internship at Apple, Decides to Lifeguard Instead


/ autumnwaldenpond

There are some things worse than death. 

As the summer approaches, Justin Beckman (C'19) has been working towards a dream internship that will jump-start his career and make him the envy of Rodin's 12th floor. "I really want to work at a prestigious firm, preferably in tech, that will help me gain experience and get my foot in the door for a job coming into senior year," says Beckman. He'd been applying to internships for months and finally received some news.

Monday morning, Beckman received a phone call from Apple's human resources department, congratulating him and offering him a position at their office in Cupertino, California. Beckman was beyond consolation. "When I got that call, my heart just sank to my shoes," he explained. "I felt dizzy and had to sit for several minutes."

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Satire  Published 02/22/17 12:27pm

I Saw the Mask and Wig Show, Now I'm Going to Study Abroad in Rome


Photo: Marco Verch / Wikimedia Commons

I saw Mask and Wig's spring musical No Place Like Rome on Saturday, and now I'm definitely studying abroad in Rome.

Like most of my peers, I was planning on going to London—or Hong Kong. Then I saw the Mask and Wig show and everything changed. If Rome is anything like the Wig show, it is exactly the type of place I’d like to study. I know what you're thinking, but the cultural barrier won't be an issue at all.  One of the Romans' favorite jokes was just like one on Arrested Development. I love that show—apparently, so do the Romans!  Everyone speaks English, so the language barrier is no concern.

In the Wig show, the Romans are always singing.  I, too, will break into song whenever I have anything meaningful to say. Everyone is a great dancer, even the gladiators, and there is a live band wherever you go. There really isn't any place like Rome!

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