Satire  Published 5 hours ago

Penn to Increase 2019-2020 Tuition to $100,000 Because 'It Was Going to Happen Eventually'


Photo by Megan Jones / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Penn will raise its undergraduate tuition to $100,000 next year, the Board of Trustees announced Tuesday.

Though the 46 percent increase surprised many students and faculty, Vice President of Finance and Treasurer MaryFrances McCourt said the increase makes perfect sense. “You guys all knew we were going to get there eventually,” she said. “We’re just ripping off the band-aid instead of peeling it slowly.”

Wharton Sophomore Mary Callahan said that while she was initially angry at the steep tuition hike, the idea has grown on her. “At first, when I heard we were going to have to pay a tenth of a million dollars for a year of education, I was kind of mad. It seemed like a lot of money. But I realized that these four percent increases were inevitably leading to that hundred thousand price tag, and I appreciate that they’re not teasing us anymore,” she said.

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Satire  Published 8 hours ago

Wow! This Guy Wearing a Polo at the Gym Must Be Really Busy


Photo by Ingfbruno / CC BY-SA 3.0

There’s generally very little leeway in the tumultuous lives of Penn’s busiest students, so most feel pressured to squeeze the most out of every second they spend on campus. It’s so easy to get caught up trying to optimize study time or strike the perfect work-life balance, but Byron Cooper (C ‘21) is taking efficiency to an entirely different level.

Cooper, like many of us, used to waste minutes every week changing between his weathered, stinking gym clothes and his stylish, form-fitting Lacoste clothing. Despite being a serial procrastinator, Cooper knew, deep down, that all he needed to do was change how he looked externally to fix his problems. 

And that’s when it hit him. Cooper realized that he could escape the restrictive bonds of social decorum just by never changing his shirt at the gym and carrying an extra can of Axe body spray wherever he went. This one choice has changed his life forever.

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Satire  Published 9 hours ago

​Puke-Covered Leprechaun Was National Merit Scholar


Photo by Rick / CC BY 2.0

Multiple sources are reporting that Kyle Berman (W ’21), the boy in a leprechaun costume slumped over in the corner of the party and soaked in his own vomit, was a National Merit Scholar in high school.

The boy was one of just 2500 students across the nation to receive a $2500 scholarship. He was selected as a Scholar by a panel of college admissions officers and high school counselors based on his exemplary PSAT/NMSQT® score, academic record, and community service participation.

Kyle is now lying against a fence in the backlot, alternating between vomiting and sleeping in a puddle of urine and beer.

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Satire  Published 10 hours ago

'I Can Never Concentrate After Spring Break,' Claims Senior Who Hasn't Been to a Lecture in 2 Years


Photo from PxHere / CC0

The time between spring break and summer vacation is an awkward period for all Penn students. We live our lives like characters in a Greek tragedy, buried in a whirlwind of assignments, extracurricular commitments, and internship woes while constantly being reminded that summer's freedom is just barely out of reach, even if that freedom means working at a soul-crushing internship for 12 weeks so you can pay for next year’s PV trip. Even the most committed individuals can suffer lapses in concentration during this period.

Like the rest of us, Harold Kilpatrick (C ‘18) has been doing the best he can to keep his head above water. “I’ve got a lot of things on my mind and sometimes it can get a little overwhelming, especially since I’m officially going to be an adult in two months,” he told UTB after rescheduling our interview with us three times (each excuse essentially, “I’m really hungover and I don’t usually get out of bed before 2 p.m.”).

He went on to talk about the "totally brutal" workload he had coming up in the next six weeks, complaining about a class he’s literally never attended. “The lecture notes he posts on Canvas look sorta shitty and he’s got like a 2.4 rating on PennCourseReview so I figured I’d just check out some Khan Academy videos to prep for the final. Honestly, I’m a way better self-learner so I’m happy that I get to use my time more efficiently,” Kilpatrick told us, even though he doesn’t own the class’ textbook or have a Khan Academy account.

Satire  Published 11 hours ago

​OP-ED: Are My Roommates Russian Trolls? They All Keep Texting Me Saying I Smell Bad


Photo by Chinna98 / CC BY-SA 4.0

It’s become undeniably clear that Russia had a massive influence on the 2016 election. Hackers infiltrated the DNC and social media trolls flooded the Internet with misinformation, all with the support of the Russian government.

In this day and age, we have to question everything. We can’t trust the media in this age of misinformation. With a foreign power meddling in our elections and fomenting distrust in our body politic, we must be vigilant.

I have found the latest instance of Russian cyberwarfare. And it’s happening on American soil.

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Satire  Published 03/17/18 2:04pm

OP-ED: I Want the Family Sitting Next to Me at This Banana Leaf BYO to Adopt Me, But I'm Afraid I'm Too Drunk to Take Care of the Legal Documents


Photo of Banana Leaf from TripAdvisor

We were three boat races in. At that precise moment, the isolated table made for drunk Penn kids in the back of Banana Leaf started to feel more like prison than paradise. So, I turn around, look up behind me and there they are: Shannon and Howard. Shannon and Howard are two grown-ass, married adults just trying to eat their Roti Canai and their Pineapple Rice in peace on a Thursday at 6:36 PM. 

We were just a boring group of 19 to 22-year-olds. So, I escaped. I sat myself down next to Shannon and Howard. Shannon and Howard: power couple, foodies, model citizens, and... my new parents? 

I brought a half-empty box of Franzia up to their table as a table-warming gift, so as not to offend the kind couple. And Shannon and Howard killed it. They were down to clown: Shannon poured herself an overflowing glass and Howard even slapped the bag. To them, I represented their lost youth and their college years. To me, they represented my new parents. 

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Satire  Published 03/17/18 12:51pm

Visual Studies Major Finally Learns to See


Photo by Elizabeth Beugg

Miracles do happen—after 8 course credits, Visual Studies junior Naomi Kahn has finally learned to see. “Don’t get me wrong,” said Kahn, “I’ve always been able to see, but now I know how to see.”

Kahn noted that this accomplishment came as a great relief. “They say it usually happens sometime during VLST-211, but it took me until VSLT-223,” she said. “I was so worried my tuition money was going to go to waste.”

Kahn said sight has proven extremely useful. “My other classes are going to be so much easier now.”

Satire  Published 03/16/18 5:45pm

Study Shows 99% of Students Who Hate Making Small Talk on Locust Love Making Small Talk About How Much They Hate It


Photo from Phil Roeder / CC BY-SA 2.0

It’s the same thing every day. Students with headphones in, eyes fixed on the ground or glued to phones, hustling to get to their destination before they run into a polite acquaintance (or, like, are late to a meeting or something). The Penn student body is wildly diverse, but everybody can agree on one thing: making small talk on Locust sucks.

“I go to bed stressed every night and wake up exhausted every morning, and I know what the culprit is,” said Mandy Greenberg (C ’19). “I really hate running into people from my freshman hall on Locust.”

However, Greenberg knows she’s not alone. She claims that she’s talked about it at, like, five BYOs she’s been to, and everyone agrees that it’s the worst. In fact, a recent study has shown that over 99% of students hate making small talk on Locust, but love making small talk about how much they hate it. Conversations about how much people hate running into acquaintances on Locust are the third most common topic of conversation, with comparisons of exam schedules or hours of sleep last night coming in first and second, respectively. The fourth most common topic of conversation is how "it doesn't suck to see you though, but just in general, you know? Let's get coffee sometime!"

Satire  Published 03/16/18 12:55pm

Junior Goes to Happy Hour, Remains Depressed


Photo by Tirachard Kumtanom / CC0

After a particularly difficult post-spring break deluge of midterms, Karina Jacoby (W '19) was eager to seek some relief at Distrito happy hour with a group of girlfriends Thursday evening.

But, by the time 7 p.m. rolled around, Jacoby was distraught to realize that her depression—aggravated by her stressful week—had not miraculously vanished, despite the event's promise of a better mood.

"Am I missing something here? It's called 'happy hour,' isn't it?" Jacoby recalled asking herself after returning home from the popular Mexican eatery still feeling sad, lethargic, and disinterested. "It was fun, sure, and the margaritas were good. But not good enough to replenish my serotonin levels, I guess."

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Satire  Published 03/16/18 12:51pm

5 Signs the Talkative White Guy in Your Seminar Was on Debate Team in High School


Photo from Pexels / CC0

  1. He’s a talkative white guy. Chances are, he probably takes up half of the discussion time in class. But hey, he’s all for free speech, so it’s only fair that he gets the last word.
  2. He “piggybacks off of what you just said” all the time, only to then say something completely unrelated. Or, alternatively, he says the exact same thing, just with slightly different wording.
  3. He plays devil’s advocate to literally everything. Like, everything, including stuff there’s literally no reason to play devil’s advocate for. He’s probably tried to defend something pretty fucked up like colonization or something. At some point in time, you’ve definitely wondered whether or not his shitty “devil’s advocate” position actually reflects his own personal views.
  4. He cuts you off at every possible moment. For your next recitation, try taking a shot every time this happens, but make sure you call MERT before you do.
  5. He wears a suit to every class and always talks like he’s at a podium. Seriously, why do they do this? You say, “Hey, what’s up dude?” and he adjusts his tie and gives a 60-second opening speech about how throwing up in the Uber last night was not his fault. He’s pretty fuckin’ weird, bro.

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