Satire  Published 8 hours ago

Student Kicked Out Of College Republicans End-of-Semester BYO for Saying "Happy Holidays"


Photo by QuinceMedia / CC0 

Josh Evans (C ‘19) was more than excited to have been invited to Penn College Republicans’ annual winter BYO. He had been trying to join the ranks of the Republicans for years, and he knew that this was his time to shine. Dressed in a “Make Christmas Great Again” sweater under a Canada Goose jacket, Josh was determined to make an impression.

He arrived and began making his way around the room, talking to anyone he could find. “I could really fit in here,” Josh thought. In one conversation, he blurted, “I stand behind the private sector and their ability to reduce poverty and decrease unemployment rates,” to an audience of warm encouragement and handshakes. Soon, sentences started taking too much time as he raced around the room to meet the members, so he simply uttered phrases, much to everyone’s delight. “Individual rights,” Josh said, and the crowd applauded. “Limited government” had them beaming with smiles, and shouting “privatization“ had the entire room on their feet.

All was going well until he said the wrong two festive words.

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Satire  Published 8 hours ago

A True Friend: This Student Acted Disheartened to Hear That Her Friend Scored Lower on Exam


Photo by nastya_gepp / CC0

The academic environment at Penn is prone to criticism for being overbearingly competitive. Forced grading curves, fierce competition for job prospects, and a toxic atmosphere supposedly discourage students from collaborating with one another.

Fortunately, one sophomore is showing no signs of getting caught up in the hyper-competitive atmosphere. When Jessica Briggs (C ‘20) first learned that her close friend failed an Economics exam, she absolutely nailed the reaction. “I’m so sorry to hear that!” Jessica told her friend. While Jessica was well aware that the class would be graded on a forced curve and that her friend’s failing score would help her get a better grade, she managed to suppress that happiness for a brief moment of consolation.

Her friend was reportedly wholeheartedly sold on Jessica's reaction, and thanked her for being so genuine. Jessica proceeded to remind the friend that she could raise her grade by doing well on the final. Even though Jessica knows that there was no recovering from a score this bad, especially since the final is cumulative, she knew that it would cheer up her friend.

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Satire  Published 8 hours ago

OP-ED: Use Some Fucking Chapstick Before We Make Out, Bro


Photo by frankieleon / CC 2.0

C’mon, Chad, it’s winter. The air is dry as hell. You need to use some Chapstick first if you expect anything to happen.

Look, I get it. You don’t want the other brothers to see you using Chapstick because you’re worried that they’ll make fun of you. But they all have the crustiest lips I’ve ever seen, and yours aren’t much better. It’s okay to free yourself from the toxic prison of hypermasculinity once in a while. Buy some normal fucking yogurt instead of brogurt. Coconut-smelling shampoo doesn’t have to just be for women. And yes, you’re allowed to shave that really, really hairy chest of yours. Sorry–I mean, please shave that really, really hairy chest of yours.

I carry Chapstick around wherever I go. You’re allowed to use it. Just please, anything to stop your lips from feeling like the end piece of a loaf of stale bread. You don’t even have to use Chapstick regularly. I don’t care. Just before we make out, you gotta use some. This frat basement is dark and nobody’s paying attention, so will you just hurry up?

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Satire  Published 12/09/17 5:09pm

​Amazing! Girl in 5 Inch Hoops Only Ripped off One Earlobe Over Course of Evening


Photo from Pxhere / CC0

Real life Wonder Woman Sarah Richards has done it again. After a long night of partying with her girls, Richards managed to only rip one of her 5 inch hoops straight out of her ear in a bloody and gruesome mess.

Richards, whose full left earlobe is now somewhere on the floor of AEPi after violently ripping it off during a "full on jam sesh" to Mr. Brightside, gracefully avoided ripping out her right earlobe several times throughout the night.

“At the BYO, early on in the night, I went to take off my jacket. I caught my thumb in my right hoop, but luckily I felt the tug and gently unhooked my hand from my earring. I really dodged a bullet that time,” she said outside her dorm in the quad, while blood ran visibly from her left ear down her neck. “I'd call tonight a success, for sure.” 

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Satire  Published 12/09/17 5:05pm

He Texted Me. He Loved Me. Then, He Disappeared.


Photo by Kathryn Rotondo / CC 2.0

Our story started out like any other. It also ended like any other. Regardless, it was special.

"U [sic] up?" he texted me one warm Wednesday night at 1:32 a.m.

"Yeah, why?" I responded.

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Satire  Published 12/09/17 12:05pm

OP-ED: I Finally Collected Enough Box Tops to Donate a Pencil


Photo by Howard Lake / CC BY-SA 2.0

For 5 years, I’ve spent countless days and nights with my trusty scissors cutting out box tops to make a difference in this sad, cold world. And there were good times and bad times. Times when I was discouraged that I could never make a difference, and times when I felt like I was on top of the world. Through the lows and the highs I kept going because I knew one day my hard work would be rewarded.

Today, that day has finally come. At long last, I collected enough box tops to donate a pencil. Am I a hero? Well, I can’t really say. But yes.

Satire  Published 12/09/17 12:03pm

This Frat Received a Record-Breaking Number of Early Decision Applicants This Fall


Photo from Wikimedia Commons // CC0

Psi Omega Omicron (also known as Bulls, somehow) recently made headlines for shattering its previous record of early-decision applications, as it amassed more than sixty applicants.

“I believe you mean dirty rushing … there’s no such thing as Early Decision out here,” Alan Jeffries (C ’21) said, rather confused.

Bulls is the first frat of its kind to ask its applicants for a common application, as rushes were required to hand in personal statements and partake in interviews at events. This year’s applicants were more competitive than ever, with incredibly impressive stats and extracurricular activities.

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Satire  Published 12/09/17 11:56am

Students Hold Candlelight Vigil for Lyn's


Photo by Lila Gutstein

Yesterday afternoon, a crowd of mourning Penn students gathered on the corner of 36th and Spruce at the exact spot where Lyn's food truck usually sits. The group was honoring Lyn's, the mobile breakfast food mogul who was taken from us far too early. The truck has been gone since November 20th and will not return until January 20th.

Student leaders Karis Uberoi and Nadia Stephen (C '18) led the group in a prayer, while other attendees lit candles in broad daylight and tearfully recounted their favorite memories with the egg sandwich connoisseur.

“I’ll never forget that time Lyn looked at me and asked ‘bacon, egg and cheese on a sesame bagel with salt pepper ketchup?’ Before I could even even say anything, she added ‘and Sriracha?’ It’s like, she knows me so well. She might be gone from our lives but she is certainly not forgotten,” whimpered Stephen.

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Satire  Published 12/09/17 11:53am

Remarkable! This Student Manages to Reveal Her Privilege in Every Class Contribution


Photo by Tirachard Kumtanom / CC0

Remarkable! Alex Novak (C'18) somehow finds a way to reveal her privileged socioeconomic status every single time she participates in class.

Her method of revealing this privilege varies. She often references her home on the Upper East Side - leading into a tangentially related comment on the class reading on Asian urban poverty with, "At my home on the Upper East Side..."  She also alludes to elite travel destinations.  She began her report on domestic politics with, "On my recent trip to Bali..."  It's hard to believe that someone can find a way to tie these overt displays of privilege back to unrelated course materials, but Novak always does!

Recently, Novak has grown less creative in displaying her privilege.  She'll just state her connections to powerful people outright; for example, she started her critique of Thoreau's Walden with "The President of Lionsgate is a family friend..."  Just yesterday, she interrupted a classmate's presentation on identity politics, beginning her interruption with, "So my dad is a high-ranking government official..." 

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Satire  Published 12/08/17 1:17pm

OP-ED: Bitcoin? Nah. Have You Heard About DarkCoin?


Photo from Pixabay / CC0

Excuse me, I just happened to overhear your conversation about investing in Bitcoin. I really don’t mean to intrude, but you may want to heed my advice. Look, Bitcoin is a bubble. Do you know what happens to bubbles? They burst. It’s your choice, but your money would definitely be better invested into an Altcoin like DarkCoin.

You haven’t heard of DarkCoin? You should really look into it. It’s going to be the next big coin. It’s an SIPC coin. That stands for Secure Private Instant Coin. Do you know what that means? I'm sure some people do. Look at any other SIPC coin and you’ll see the trend. It makes sense.

Darkcoin’s market cap is relatively low, but it’s one of the most trusted cryptoassets among anyone who knows their stuff, like my friend Jerry who goes on the internet for this stuff. I’ll tell you what: buy the dip, see it explode 1000% in a few months, and send me a thank-you card in the mail.

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