Satire  Published 1 hour ago

Jaywalkers Stymied by Broken Traffic Lights at 34th and Walnut


Calebrw / CC 3.0

On Monday and Tuesday, broken traffic lights at the intersection of 34th and Walnut forced police officers to stand in the middle of the road and direct traffic themselves. The officers handled the job expertly, making a potentially dangerous situation only a minor inconvenience. Still, some students were quite displeased with the issue.

"I have to rush to my 10 a.m. in DRL every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday," said Joe Szymanowski (E'20), who lives in New College House. "Usually, I walk out of NCH at 9:57, sprint madly across Walnut in between cars, and make it to my seat at 10:01." With police around, Szymanowski was forced to cross the street like a normal person, delaying his arrival to 10:03. "It's really unfair that a maintenance issue made me late to class. I mean, this is an Ivy League university!" Szymanowski exclaimed.

Self-proclaimed traffic control enthusiast Michael Watterson (E'18) also complained about the broken lights. As a "fun side project," which he posted to his LinkedIn account, Watterson created a Google maps extension last semester. The extension calculates the fastest routes to class, taking traffic lights into account. In order to do so, he spent three weeks squatting at each intersection on and around Penn's campus, timing each traffic light. All of this was recounted to us in excruciating detail.

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Satire  Published 2 hours ago

Harvest Location To Become a Soul Cycle Studio


Photo by Pixaby / Public Domain 

So, Harvest isn’t coming back. But, dry your no-more-cheap-long-islands-tears and gear up. According to the Real Estate Department of Penn's Facilities & Real Estate Services, the new tenant for the fire destroyed space is none other than Soul Cycle.

Harper Velo, a representative from the Real Estate Department of Penn's Facilities & Real Estate stated: “We worked very hard to find a place that would truly meet the needs of Penn students. Soul Cycle is just that.”

Velo couldn’t be more correct. Pottruck is passé, and their spin classes certainly pale in comparison to the ones offered at the decidedly boujeeist cycle studio in America.

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Satire  Published 19 hours ago

The Round Down 04.25.17


Photo: Sam Sedor / The Daily Pennsylvanian

And just like that another Fling has Flung. Afraid that the rain washed away all the dirt from this weekend? Don't even worry about it, all that dirt just turned into mu(ZED)d. Here to help us all make sense of the fast paced movement of time and the ultimate end of the semester is the second Round Down: Fling Edition. 

Some folks were bummed by the weather this weekend, but the rain didn't stop a certain SDT junior from umbreveling in the spirit of the self-proclaimed ho(e)liday. Rumor has it that this junior was spotted grabbing fried oreos in the Quad before heading to a friend's barbecue to say, "Hello!" to friends that she holds dear. She then headed back to her apartment where she proceeded to to call her mother to wish her a happy birthday. She's fifDTy (Ed note: please read as the number 50).

Things got a little bit nauti(cal) on the Battleship this Friday when a tall Owls sophomore was standing in front of a shorter Tabard girl as they tried to watch the sunset, and the girl had to ask him to step a bit to the side. He did and seized the opportunity to try and hit on her, but she clearly wasn't interested and he treated her with respect! 

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Satire  Published 23 hours ago

Absolute Boss of a Freshman Shows Off Full Arm of Fling Wristbands in Class


Photo by Raymond Barlow / CC 2.0 , Edit by Sam Sedor

No one man should have all that power.

Wharton freshman Chris Johns burst into his utterly empty marketing recitation on Monday afternoon, eager to display the spoils of war. His arm was adorned with fling wristband upon fling wristband, proving to everyone in the room what an absolute badass he is. One of his three classmates was flabbergasted at the sight of such magnificence and prestige.

"When I woke up this morning, I was thinking to myself, 'I wonder if Chris Johns parties like an absolute madman,'" his classmate told UTB. "When he burst through the doors, accompanied by a blinding light and the roar of a thousand bugles, I knew what a frat conqueror he is."

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Satire  Published 04/24/17 3:53pm

Here Are the Best Fling Tanks of 2017


Photos 1, 3, 4, 7-12 by Spreadshirt on Flickr; Photo 6 from Ben Brown / CC 2.0; Photo 2 from Fahad Faisal / CC 4.0; Photo 5 public domain

Each year, student groups at Penn put hours and hundreds of dollars into designing and purchasing fling tanks. Each year the weather is not what it should be for fling tanks, but people wear them anyway, which is dumb. In any case, here are this year's best fling tanks. See if your group made the list!

Satire  Published 04/24/17 2:59pm

Trump-mann Tweet of the Day


Check out Street's Shoutouts.

Satire  Published 04/23/17 4:41pm

Dean Furda Attends Pool Party — First Step in Initiative to Make Administration Scenier


Photo by Sarah Fortinsky // The Daily Pennsylvanian

Those in attendance at Bamboo Bar on Saturday for another classic "Bad Weather Fling Pool Party" were shocked to see a familiar, yet unexpected face among the underaged masses: Eric Furda, Dean of Admissions. 

Why was he there? Some people postulate that he was just relaxing, looking for a pleasant way to spend his Saturday afternoon at a "tropical-style indoor/outdoor hot spot with tiki bars, shaded multilevel decks, dancing & DJ spins." But this explanation misses the bigger picture.

The Penn administration has recently begun an initiative to better connect to "the scene", the exclusive and expensive world of Penn students who probably own more than three nice pairs of sunglasses. What better way to improve the administration's relationship with a significant portion of campus than to send Dean Furda to Penn's scenier events?

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Satire  Published 04/21/17 2:44pm

Zedd Spotted Wandering Campus, Looking for Power Outlets to Charge His Computer


Photo by Ivy Main / CC 3.0

Students are excited for Zedd to headline the Spring Fling concert this evening, and everything is going according to plan. Well, almost everything. An unforeseen wrinkle in the planning process threatens to derail the entire show: Zedd's laptop is dead.

Zedd has been spotted walking around campus in a frenzy, searching for an outlet to charge his computer with. Because he isn't a Penn student, Zedd has been having trouble gaining entrance to many of Penn's buildings without a PennCard.

"I can't get in anywhere, and no one is helping... no one is even recognizing me. It's like there are a lot of other lightly bearded, rich European dudes on this campus and I don't stand out. It's incredibly frustrating," Zedd told us.

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Satire  Published 04/20/17 7:23pm

Trump-mann Tweet of the Day


/ The Daily Pennsylvanian

Satire  Published 04/20/17 5:13pm

MERT Devises New Fling Triage System


Photo by Michael Chien / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Spring Fling is practically synonymous with marathon substance abuse and reckless behavior. Most students take the artificially-prolonged weekend as an opportunity to abandon all responsibility, but a brave few volunteer their time and sobriety to clean up the mess. While everyone else was busy designing fling tanks and cultivating enough mass to fill them out, Penn's Medical Emergency Response Team, better known as MERT, spent the past several weeks devising a new triage protocol designed specifically to address the medical disaster that is Fling. 

Under the Button got a firsthand look at how MERT plans to prioritize injuries from their post in the medical tent if—well, when—the Quad becomes the scene of a mass casualty situation.

Red Tag — High Priority

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