Features  Published 2 hours ago

Failing UTB Bungles Bee Movie Meme Article. Sad!

Last Thursday, Under The Button published this piece regarding a Bee Movie/Amy Gutmann meme. At the time, we credited the Facebook page Penn For Dank Memes for bringing the meme to our attention. We did not know that we were making a such a journalistically irresponsible move.

Later that day, we were informed that the meme had actually originated from a member of the meme group Official Unofficial Penn Squirrel Catching Club, but had found its way onto the Dank Memes page, at the time without any information in its description. We cannot overemphasize how sorry we are in the aftermath of this blunder.

UTB and our step-dad The Daily Pennsylvanian went into full panic mode. We brought in various DP alumni from the many pillars of the journalism world to advise us on how to proceed. Our organization has since conducted a full post-mortem, and we are confident that such an error will never occur again. 

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News  Published 5 hours ago

American Apparel Went Bankrupt So You Don't Have To

Add American Apparel, along with Cosi, to the list of bankrupt retailers around Penn’s campus. The company’s second bankruptcy this year means winding down operations and now massive sales on their overpriced, unforgiving, solid-colored, all-cotton clothing.

Convince yourself you’re going to Pottruck, then overshoot the runway and stop by to get 40% off regularly priced items and 70% off sale items. Let that cheetah print body suit be your fit inspo when you can’t stop taking whole packages of Oreos to the face while writing your final paper. Maybe even add to your growing choker collection, to give your wardrobe the edgy touch that was cool months ago.

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 Published 7 hours ago

UTB Reviews "Shabbatones Presents: MilesTONES"

Fresh off their collab with Chief Keef, the Shabbatones performed their show MilesTONES at the Penn Museum this past Saturday night. The Shabbatones are Penn’s only coed Jewish a capella group, because more would be absurd. The group, which performs a wide variety of music from pop songs in English to pop songs in Hebrew, was founded 15 years ago by singers who were tired of performing songs that the audience could understand. 

Contrary to popular opinion the Shabbatones do not perform on the Jewish holy day of Shabbat, so they should really be called the Anytime-But-Shabbatones. Very misleading. Also, we can thank the Shabbatones for successfully killing the mannequin challenge and for creating this Buzzfeed quiz about themselves, which we sincerely hope is some sort of parody (but is most likely not).

Due to the fact that no one in Under the Button was present for the show, we cannot accurately pass judgement on its quality. However, we heard it could’ve used more instruments. And, in the pattern of most student performance groups, 90% of the audience congratulated their son or daughter on a job well done upon completion of the show.

Features  Published 12/02/16 3:04pm

President-Re-Elect Gutmann To "Drain The Swamp"

After extending her term (reign) as Penn's president, Amy Gutmann is making "draining the swamp" a cornerstone of her policy moving forward. To accomplish this, she plans to drain the Bio Pond and fill it with Washington insiders.

In a statement, Gutmann told UTB that, "this Bio Pond thing is incredible, it really is. The stoners, they go there, in big numbers, huge numbers, the numbers are really that big. They smoke weed. It's tremendous."

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Features  Published 12/02/16 1:38pm

What's With Asparagus?

What's asparagus's deal? What's going on?

It makes your pee smell weird, that's a fact. However, only certain people can smell it because, apparently, the ability to smell asparagus piss is genetic. What's with that?

Is it a grass? It's not not a grass as far as we can tell, but It does have some definite girth to it that is not shared by other grasses. How did we first go about eating it? Who looked at asparagus and went, "I should eat this monster grass." What's the deal?

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 Published 12/02/16 11:33am

QUIZ: Are You A Good Roommate?

Your roommate may suck, but are you any better? 

 Published 12/01/16 3:26pm

How Many Triplets Are In 3hree Triplets Fitness?

Everyone on campus knows, or knows about, the Jones triplets. Aside from being identical triplets, which already sets them apart on campus, they're also all incredibly handsome, fit, friendly, and good at dancing. They were on Family Feud, where they dabbed on Steve Harvey with their lovely parents. They were featured on BET as "People You Should Know." Together, the triplets run 3hree Triplets Fitness, a fitness organization which hosts bootcamp workouts on campus so you can look at them and feel bad about how many crunches you can do (two and a half).

But behind the perfection that the Jones triplets seem to embody, there lies a startling truth. There are nine people involved in 3hree Triplets, presumably all related, potentially all identical. There must be two other sets of triplets involved in their fitness organization, based on the name. Let's break it down. 3hree Triplets would be redundant if it referred to only one set, because triplets already implies a group of three siblings. The fitness organization's name proves that there are 9 individuals-- three sets of triplets. We don't know the science of it, but we know the math-- PEMDAS doesn't lie. 3hree Triplets = 3*(1+1+1) = 3*3 = 9 individuals.

So what do the other two sets of triplets do? Are they in hiding, working behind the scenes to build a fitness empire? Are they all as jacked as Ahmad, Khalil, and Malik? Do they take turns posing as Ahmad, Khalil, and Malik on some sort of rotation schedule? We have a lot of questions, but one thing is certain: there are three sets of triplets in 3hree Triplets Fitness, which sounds like… a lot of triplets.

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 Published 12/01/16 2:42pm

Penn Can No Longer Afford The Tampons

It's no secret that President-elect and Penn alum Donald Trump has a less-than-ideal stance on women's health issues. We all knew that his positions could and would affect us, our loved ones, and many people on this campus. But we didn't know it would affect the campus itself.

A beloved if oft-mocked campus installation, the Tampons are a landmark on Locust. Unfortunately, Penn can't afford to keep them.

In an emotional address to Penn students and local news outlets, President Amy Gutmann announced the University's decision to sell the Tampons. 

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 Published 12/01/16 12:58pm

What Happened To November 31st, And Are We Living In The Matrix?

This morning, millions of Americans woke up expecting another normal, crisp November 31st. We got dressed and ready to take on the weird weather and the uncertainty that accompanies a post-Amy-Gutmann-sanctuary-misinterpretation world. Little did we know that we’d be blindsided by the arrival of December a day before we’d anticipated. Talk about pulling a Mark Ruffalo!

When asked a leading question about his feelings of shock and betrayal, anonymous student Sam Holland said, “After I survived daylight savings, I figured I was in the clear. Now, I’m one day behind with finals coming up!”

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News  Published 12/01/16 10:58am

Dank Bee Movie Meme Somehow Enhanced By Amy Gutmann

As some of you memelords out there may already know, youtube memes centered around the groundbreaking, Academy Award-winning 2007 film, Bee Movie, have been appearing at an impressive rate. Jerry Seinfeld's classic animated film has been giving the meme economy the boost it needed and the NASDANQ is soaring.

However, a new Bee Movie meme has entered the cyberspace and it's glorious. Brought to our attention by the grand Facebook page Penn For Dank Memes, "the Bee Movie Trailer but bee is replaced with an unexpected Amy Gutmann moment" is everything we could have ever asked for.


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