Satire  Published 18 hours ago

It Happened to Me: Trapped in the Mark's Cafe Display Case

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Photo from Pixabay / CC0


It started out so innocent, so innocuous.

There I was, in the VP basement toiling for hours, when I got up to replenish my strength with some coffee and a snack. My eyes had been scorched by the light of my computer screen, and Mark’s Café, with its dank, den-like aura, seemed to be the perfect nook in which to give them respite. I was walking up to the counter to order my coffee when I first saw it: the case that appeared to be my salvation, but ended up as my prison. 

It was a cornucopia of nourishment. Pulsating display lights illuminated its salty and sweet delights, and I found myself drawn to it. Before I could register what was happening, I dropped to my knees as if the force of my stress-hunger became personified and shoved me to the ground. Voracious, wanting, needing, I plucked the case’s bounty from its cold belly with both hands, only stopping to toss my PennCard at the employee and grunt, “Bursar it.

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Satire  Published 18 hours ago

OP-ED: Jimmy and His Gay Dance Moves Are Ruining My Frat’s Culture

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Photo by Mauricio Mascaro / CC0


It was just another frat party. Then Jimmy started voguing.

For centuries, if not longer, frats have been a sacred and necessary part of our country. They build brotherhood, cultivate sexual relationships, and train men for the real world.

My frat is no different. If anything, we’re one of the better ones at Penn. We throw a couple parties a week, where alcohol is the only release from an otherwise horrifying experience of large men with splotchy skin.

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Satire  Published 18 hours ago

Feminist Win: All-White Exec Board of Penn Republican Society Is 22% Female Compared to 19.4% of US Congress

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Photo by Joody Runtgon / CC0


The Penn Republican Society (PRS) may be one of countless political groups on campus, but it is certainly one of the few leading the charge in issues of diversity and representation.

PRS President Dan Johnson (C ‘19) issued a statement on the issue of gender inequality in politics earlier this week at the first PRS meeting of the semester. “We are proud to say that the PRS board is far more representative of the US population than Congress,” he said. “We have more women in leadership positions than ever, and we even have a member of the LGBTQ community on board. You’re a cool dude, Todd, and feel free to bring your boyfriend to meetings.”

When asked about racial minority representation, Johnson responded that citizenship only belongs to “people whose ancestors were born in this country. [Their] parents don’t count. So technically no minorities are citizens.” Johnson had no response when questioned about his own ancestry or about the citizenship status of Native Americans.

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Satire  Published 18 hours ago

Freshman Releases List of 20 Candidates for Second Major, Calls It 'M2'

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Photo by Canonicalized / CC0


Amazon recently announced the 20 cities remaining in the battle for HQ2, the tech company’s second headquarters in North America.

Lily Watson (C ’21), a psychology major who declared after finding PSYC 001 pretty easy, chose to take a similar approach as the online retailer to determine a second major.

“I contacted all of the departments within the College to let them know that while I'm based in psychology, I am ready to expand into another field," Watson explained. "But they need to show me what they can offer—I’m not just going to choose any regular M2. They’ll have to FIGHT for this GPA."

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Satire  Published 18 hours ago

OP-ED: Yes, I'm a 50-Year-Old Man, but I’m Not Breaking into This Dorm Room; I’m Her Big

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Photos (with edits) by YesManProductions / CC0; rickpilot_2000 / CC BY 2.0


Oh, hi! Didn't see you there—oh, you’re Rachel’s RA? Cool, cool, cool...Yeah, man, I’m just decorating her room for Big/Little week.

I’m sorry, I don’t “look” like I’m in a sorority? It’s 2018. I thought we’d be past the whole judging-by-appearance thing.

Oh, now you want proof that I’m Rachel’s big? What kind of proof? Do you even know how this works, bro?

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Satire  Published 18 hours ago

Five PURM Projects That Mean Your Professor is Going Through a Divorce

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Photo from Max Pixel / CC0


We all know that Penn professors tend to do some strange things in their classes and on their exams, but their endeavors outside of class are sometimes equally perplexing. Take a look at some recent PURM postings from professors who are clearly having a tough semester: 

1. An Investigation Into Innovative Space-Saving Algorithms

A divorce means family income is cut in half, so your poor mentor will probably be on the hunt for more modest accommodations. Best of luck finding a way to fit all that furniture into your new home!

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Satire  Published 18 hours ago

Penn Linguists Incensed Over New Movement to Drop Periods

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Photo by Joaquim Rocha / CC BY-SA 3.0


After rallying against a burgeoning wave of anti-punctuation sentiment, aficionados of the grammatically correct are celebrating a miraculous win. In the face of ardent protests, the University is buckling to public pressure and ending its experimental "drop period"—a time where students could spit in the face of hundreds of years of English language tradition and submit written assignments period-free with no repercussions. Proponents of the drop period have claimed that punctuation “is a artificial construct forced onto students that inhibits both creativity and communication in its highest form.”

Even advocates for the drop period admitted its shortcomings. Bert McCollum (C ‘20), an adamant hater of punctuation of all forms, told UTB that he supported doing away with the drop period. “Even though I hate having to worry about the different between things like commas and semicolons, I need to be able to make my periods 18-pt Times new Roman while the rest of my paper is in 12-pt Times new Roman. Punctuation might be an evil forced onto me be conceited grammarians, but I’ve gotta hit that page count minimum somehow.”


Satire  Published 02/17/18 6:51pm

Students Brace Themselves for Biggest GPA Point Drop in History Amidst Threat of Rising Grade Deflation

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Photo by Claudia Hogan / The Daily Pennsylvanian


This has been a turbulent week for students at the University of Pennsylvania, where professors are under pressure to combat the grade inflation that has been rising steadily since the ‘90s. Some professors have been quick to criticize the new policy, arguing that the old grading metrics need to be corrected for the social media and technology addictions that have brought down academic standards in schools and universities across the nation.

The decision to bring down grade inflation rates has been met with unilateral outrage from student groups. Patrick Lalley (C ’18), a graduating senior just five credits shy of his English degree, argues that this policy is too far-reaching to be sprung on students with so little preamble. 

“Many of us didn’t even realize our grades were being inflated,” Lalley reflected sadly. Lalley had intended to dedicate this semester to his thesis on the intersection of young adult sci-fi/fantasy novels and erotica, but he fears that this project may fall to the wayside as it becomes increasingly evident that students must start attending classes in this cruel, dark world where a ‘C’ is average.

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Satire  Published 02/17/18 1:32pm

I'm Not Crying. It's Just a Combination of Allergies, Something in My Eye, and the Wind Forcibly Pulling Tears Out of My Body

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Photo from Max Pixel / CC0


Crying? Me? No! I’m not crying. I mean, yes, there are tears in my eyes, but I’m definitely not sad. Sadness doesn’t happen at Penn, especially not right after Jeff breaks up with you at the table in the back of Saxby’s.

See the reason there are tears in my eyes is that, walking back from Saxby’s (in a great mood, mind you), the wind was so strong it blew a bunch of that snow salt in my eye. Do you know how much that stings? My tear ducts started having to work overtime to wash that toxicity out, and not because Jeff ripped my heart out while drinking a groothie.

Why are the tears still pouring out? Have you ever heard of something called winter allergies? The real killer isn’t pollen—it’s the constant smell of pine needles. And let me tell you, Saxby’s today was especially in the Christmas spirit.

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Satire  Published 02/16/18 1:15pm

Future Bain Analyst Publishes Op-Ed Arguing Against Penn’s Pre-Professional Culture

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Photo by StartupStockPhotos / CC0


Recently, many students have protested against Penn’s pre-professional culture and the seemingly few number of students who don’t pursue a career path in business, medicine, or law. 

Josh Patchington (W ’18), who recently signed on to be an analyst at Bain Consulting in NYC next year, had something to say about the matter.

“Penn has such a toxic, pervasive, pre-professional culture,” wrote the incoming management consultant in an incendiary Facebook post. “People are so hyper-competitive that it makes me sick. Whatever happened to pursuing your passions and focusing on things besides money?” 

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