News  Published 22 hours ago

Hillel is Throwing a Launch Party for a Gender-Neutral Bathroom

Want to celebrate tonight but don't know where to go? Well now you do! Hillel is opening their first ever gender-neutral bathroom-- and they're throwing a launch party for it. To be honest, we're not quite sure what a bathroom launch party looks like. There seems to be a "tasting," which might be a little concerning (will there be urinal cakes?), but regardless we expect it to be the #wokest party tonight. Here's to more gender-neutral bathrooms -- and pregaming opportunities-- on campus!

Features  Published 10/19/16 4:42pm

Wanna Avoid Getting MERTED? Don't Go To Gregory

UTB has been alerted of some high-profile information regarding everyone's favorite Medical Emergency Response Team, MERT. While they handle many a drunk student, they tend to handle a ton from Gregory College House in particular. Why is this? Are Gregorians much worse at handling their liquor? Do they have a tendency to drink away their sorrows of not being admitted into New College House?

Probably not.

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News  Published 10/19/16 1:47pm

Apparently There's A New Senior Society And It's Called Atlas

Atlas is a new senior society that apparently exists! Atlas was formed in 2016 but has been in use since the mid-16th century. The first atlas was the De Summa totius Orbis, created by Italian cartographer Pietro Coppo. We reached out to Mr. Coppo for comment on the new senior society that, as a surprise to many, exists. He wasn't immediately available for comment. 

 Published 10/18/16 5:48pm

New Records Show Osama Bin Laden Attended Penn

Author's note: This post has been edited to remove a reference to bin Laden's burial which was considered unsavory by members of the Penn community. 

For more than a year, one Penn alum (barely) has dominated the headlines. Trump, Trump, Trump. It's hard to go anywhere without hearing the 1968 graduate's name. He topped the DP's list of infamous alumni, and Columbia's marching band tried to roast us for accepting him in an underwhelming attack-poem. It seems that if you asked just about anyone who Penn's worst alumnus is, they'd say Donald Trump.

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News  Published 10/18/16 12:30pm

Penn's Sumerian Tablets Rival Oz For Worst Jokes Of 2016

A collection of Sumerian clay tablets at the Penn Museum was just translated and they put Donald Trump’s tweets to shame. Penn students have been rejoicing as they frantically delete drunk selfies to make room on their devices for this sick new mixtape. While it’s not Taylor Swift’s secret album, it’s even better (plus it might actually be on Spotify). In celebration of the harvest, the Sumerians invented a celebration that would put the American practice of massacring Native Americans to shame – they wrote hypothetical (or not?) arguments between farm tools. The plow and the hoe go at it in a series of exchanges as intense as the 2016 Republican primary debates. Check out this hilarious excerpt:

Plow: “Oh, the hoe. Tied together with thongs. Made from poplar, tooth, and ash. Oh, hoe, with your poor little head stuck in the mud, weeding miserably with your crooked teeth in the muck.”

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 Published 10/17/16 5:46pm

PennVet Student Masturbates Horse on National Television

If you thought Veterinary school was all about tricking a stallion into ejaculating into a fake horse vagina, then wow, you were 100% right.

Penn researchers took voyeurism to an entirely new level when they attempted to collect potentially valuable semen from a 1200 pound white stallion on Life at Vet U, an Animal Planet series documenting the tortured (kinky?) lives of PennVet students. It’s difficult not to shed a tear watching the protégé, Max, achieve his dreams. And what better content for a national audience than a bright-eyed aspiring veterinarian wrestling a super-sized sex toy over the shaft of an unsuspecting animal?

In the captivating, Emmy-worthy sequence, Semenbiscuit is pumped up and ready to procreate after getting just a small whiff of mare urine (classic Cosmopolitan tip to drive your man wild). Then, he begins humping a dummy while the real horse is right next to him. C’mon, bro. Fortunately for splooge-dude Max, this provides the necessary situation to collect the goods in a precisely-heated artificial vagina weight, or AVW for short. Rad!

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Features  Published 10/17/16 3:10pm

What's HapPENNing?

We know many of you organize your social calendar based exclusively on what UTB posts, which is why we're back with your favorite Monday feature: What's HaPENNing?

Final presidential debates

Where: Will be live-streamed on the NYT Facebook page, and on Youtube. Can alternatively travel to University of Nevada in Nevada to watch live.

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 Published 10/17/16 12:25pm

Columbia Band Drops Weak Diss Poem During 35-10 Loss To Penn

During Penn football's 35-10 victory over Columbia this weekend, the Lions' band seemed to make bigger waves than their football team.

At halftime, a member of the Columbia band surprised the crowd with a never-before-heard single over the loudspeakers, perhaps signaling an upcoming album. The single is a Penn diss track (spoken-word style) with punchlines about The Donald’s connection to Wharton and the OZ email fiasco.

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Features  Published 10/17/16 12:15pm

The 8 Most Devastating Losses Of The Rodin Flood

Rodin flooded late last week, thoroughly ruining everyone's Thursday night. While the damage was great across the board, here are the eight most severe losses of the evening.

1.) Those Management notes you never took: The slides are online so why bother? You never took notes in that class, but if you had they'd be super gone.

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News  Published 10/13/16 1:26pm

Don't Miss Penn's First Tailgate

If you've ever felt like you're missing out on the College Experience by not attending a football school, then today's your day! Thanks to the Red & Blue Crew, Class Boards, and the DP, Penn is finally going to have their first football tailgate this Saturday. The free event will take place on Shoemaker Green starting at 1 pm. 

Don't forget your "P" cheek tattoo! Go Quakers, and go sports! 

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