Satire  Published 14 hours ago

Senior Changes Major to Avoid Friday Classes


Artist's rendering of Laureline Kin celebrating her freedom on a Friday / Public Domain

Laureline Kin had class on Fridays, in her spring semester of freshman year and in her fall semester of sophomore year. That year, she says, was the hardest year of her life. 

In the tail end of this spring and in the beginning of this summer, a difficult decision hung over the College senior's head. In order to complete her major, she would need to have hours worth of class every Friday. Her alternative was to drop the major, but keep the free Fridays. In the end, she opted for the latter.

"Of course it was a tough decision," she told us. "Each option involved a serious sacrifice. I had to pick between pursuing the career and future I'd always wanted, and having three-day weekends. It was hard, but this was the only choice I could have made."

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Satire  Published 07/24/17 5:23pm

Student Repeatedly Lowers Expectations for Summer Goals


Photo by TeroVesalainen / CC0

Sandra Davis (C '19) started off the summer strong. In May, she'd assembled a list of seven "realistic, totally actionable goals" that would allow her to rejuvenate her mind and body and get ahead for the next school year. The list was as follows:

  1. Organize all the files on her computer ("There are four different folders labeled 'Documents' on my computer," said Davis.)
  2. Figure out what personal finance is ("I thought an IRA and the IRS were the same thing.")
  3. Read one or two books per month ("Yeah, I haven't completed an assigned reading in three years") 
  4. Go to the gym every weekday before work, plus Saturday ("Sunday is a day of rest.")
  5. Start a hip blog, and blog at least twice a week ("Really excited! I just need to pick a topic to blog about!")
  6. Finally decide on a class schedule for next semester, then start studying for those classes ("I'm totally going to get ahead so I don't have to stress out when the semester begins!")
  7. Begin researching internships for summer 2018 ("It's never to early to see what they're looking for, right?")

However, by mid-June, Davis found herself failing to fulfill most of the goals. Always a pragmatic, flexible individual, she made the wise decision to revise her list to the following:

  1. Organize her desktop by sorting by "Date Added"
  2. Ask her dad some vague questions about managing her personal finances so he could see that she was at least thinking about it
  3. Read maybe two books over the course of the summer
  4. Work out once a week
  5. Make a Twitter account instead of a blog, and tweet when she had time
  6. Pick one class that fulfills a foundational requirement
  7. Open a lot of tabs about internships, become disheartened that her resume isn't up to par, and therapeutically close each tab one at a time instead of just closing the entire window

But at this point in July, Davis has all but given up on her original list. Still, she clings to having some kind of summer goals list to fulfill, much like a baby koala clings to its mother but in a not as cute way. Her final list:

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Satire  Published 07/21/17 2:44pm

Sean Spicer to Accept Teaching Position at the Annenberg School for Communication


Photo by Gage SkidmoreCC by-sa 2.0

Moments after Sean Spicer's resigned as the White House Press Secretary, we learned that he has accepted a teaching position at the Annenberg School for Communication.

We reached out to the spokesperson for the Annenberg School, who told us: "With Sean Spicer's past experience and repeated failures, we are confident that he will be an invaluable asset to Penn's Communications department. The helpful and patient tone he has employed with reporters at the White House will carry over to a classroom quite well."

The spokesperson also released the following course list for the Fall 2017 semester:

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Satire  Published 07/20/17 11:00am

Humiliating! Student References Avocado’s Number During Chem Lab


Photo by Personal Creations / Flickr, PRHaney / Wikimedia Commons

The latest in our series of Words People Confuse With Avocado brings us to the shameful experience of Abby Pullman (C ‘20). Originally pre-med, Abby had enrolled in many of the introductory classes first semester Freshman year. She was cautiously ambitious, and anticipated the classes would be difficult but manageable. It all started off well. Abby was balancing BBB109, Physics 150, Chem101, and Math 104, in addition to a growing social life and occasionally going to a Penn Dems meeting. But the good times could not last.

It was during a Chem lab period that it happened. Her lab group was trying to calculate how much Hydrogen Chloride to add to their solution, so they needed to do some unit-conversion. Abby recalled, “Well, Avocado’s Number is 6.022 x 10^23.”

“Excuse me?”

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Satire  Published 07/19/17 5:35pm

BREAKING: College Senior Finally Takes AP Scores Off Resume


Photo by Pixabay // CC0 Public Domain

It has been a very sombre day in the life of rising College senior Jessica Ingram.

In a heartbreaking move that left both herself and her family devastated, Ingram wistfully removed a thorough list of her AP scores from the section on her resume aptly named “Notable Accomplishments and Awards”.

Sources tell UTB that these scores showed evidence of Ingram’s remarkable genius and intellect, as she received a 5 on AP Calculus AB and BC, as well as AP Physics 1 and AP Chemistry. Ingram’s brilliance also extended to non-quantitative subjects, where she received a 4 on the AP English Language exam.

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Satire  Published 07/17/17 7:09pm

Panicking Junior Still Has No Idea What She Wants to Do in Life


Photo by CollegeDegrees360 / CC by-sa 2.0

Even though Kayla Burns (C '19) is already halfway through college, she has no idea what she plans to do once she graduates. And she's panicking.

"Everyone just said to study what I was interested in. So I followed my passions: I'm triple majoring in Biophysics, PPE, and German," Burns told us. "What am I supposed to do with that?"

Burns does have a job, however, working as a Summer Analyst. Apparently, she doesn't actually know what a Summer Analyst does, just that's she works 60 hours a week and makes $2 above minimum wage.

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Satire  Published 07/13/17 7:26pm

Meet the Junior Working on an App and Two Entrees This Summer


Photo by Anthony92931 / CC BY-SA 3.0

If you go to Penn, there's a pretty good chance that many of your friends are working on some app this summer, and many will do the same after they graduate. For some students, though, an app just isn't enough. Ken Brinker, a rising Junior in the school of Engineering, is one of those students. 

When I met up with Ken at his one-bedroom apartment in Tribeca, he seemed like your average Penn kid. He came to the door in a wrinkled fling tank and a pair of sweatpants, stained with what was either ketchup or tomato sauce. Although it was after 11 o'clock in the morning on a Sunday, he had clearly just woken up.

"I knew I wanted to live and work in or around New York," Ken explained to me. "So many people are here, and there are great opportunities. Then, when I realized that I'd have to commute to Jersey City, I knew Tribeca was the place to be. It's expensive, but it's worth it. I mean, my commute is less than half an hour."

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Satire  Published 07/12/17 6:46pm

Shocking: Gutmann Announces Plans to Build $1.2 Billion English Building


Courtesy of Penn Medicine

Breaking from tradition, the university is poised to spend vast amounts of money on a building unrelated to medicine, economics, business, or STEM pursuits.

University President Amy Gutmann has formally unveiled plans for a brand new, state-of-the-art, $1.2 billion building to serve as a new home fof the English department. The department, currently housed in Fisher-Bennett Hall alongside other humanities departments, will be moving to its new berth upon the building's completion.

In a press release, Gutmann delivered the exciting news.

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Satire  Published 07/11/17 7:03pm

Donald Trump Jr.'s Penn Email Signature Leaked: 'FYI I Do NOT Attend Penn State'


/ Photos 2-4 via Twitter

These days, the mainstream media is focusing on the content of Donald Trump Jr.'s emails and the apparent connection between the Russian government and Donald Trump’s campaign. But there's something much more important that hasn't been covered.

We recently investigated his emails from his years at Penn (UPenn, not Penn State, just to clarify), and discovered his Gmail signature from the time.

As you can see by the last line, Trump Jr. clarified an error made by so many of our second cousins: that we attend Penn State and not a university with a 9.15% acceptance rate. Like, seriously, we're the elite.

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Satire  Published 07/10/17 5:36pm

Friend Group Spends Summer Jealous of Each Others' Internships


Photo by Phil Whitehouse / CC 2.0

"We STEM boyz," a group chat of Penn rising seniors, has achieved the hard, but far from impossible. All of its members had the fortune of landing prestigious internships in their careers of choice for this summer. We were honored to be granted interview time with three of their most successful members, but surprised to find that all three admitted to feelings of intense jealousy over their friends' internship experiences. 

Prakash Agarwal (E '18) is exactly the type of guy you'd expect to find at a summer analyst position at Goldman Sachs. Intelligent, confident, and obsessed with nice suits, Agarwal greeted me with a firm handshake and a reserved smile. We settled down for coffee at a Starbucks, since we were missing Penn. After ordering his daily order of a Venti Dark Roast, he launched into an unexpectedly impassioned rant.

"I was so excited when I found out I got the job, I changed my LinkedIn description to 'Incoming Summer Analyst at Goldman Sachs' and posted on Facebook right away," said Agarwal, grabbing his coffee and downing a frighteningly large gulp. "But when I got here, I found out that it's endless spreadsheets and people pleasing and nitpicking over the most tedious of details. Why didn't I pick something that actually makes use of my engineering skills, like Martin? This blows."

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