Satire  Published 2 minutes ago

True Fan: College Junior Preemptively Sets Car on Fire Ahead of Eagles Game

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Photo by Mstyslav Chernov CC BY-SA 3.0


The City of Brotherly Love is getting lit. 

At approximately 6:00pm EST, Johnathan Pallis (C '19) set fire to a 2005 Subaru Outback in preparation for tonight's Eagles/Vikings showdown. "I'm just so hype for the Birds," Pallis told UTB. "I'm from Philly, well, Radnor actually, and I feel like this is the year we make it all the way." Pallis, a few Yuenglings in, then proceeded to rip his shirt off and scream "Fly Eagles Fly" at the top of his lungs before promptly offering to fight anyone for any reason. 

Some of Pallis' peers have complained that he may have been a bit early to the arson-party. And Pallis recognized these concerns, saying, "win or lose, it's my duty as a proud Philadelphian to cause property damage. I'm just trying to expedite the process."

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Satire  Published 4 hours ago

Junior Attends Women’s March After Cutting 100 Girls From Her Sorority Last Week

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Photo by Fibonacci Blue / CC BY 2.0


Yesterday morning, thousands of activists gathered at the Philadelphia Women’s March in support of women’s rights and deeper social change. Junior Christy Wolfstein, who carried poignant signs that read “girls just wanna have FUN-damental rights” and “a women’s place is in the resistance,” joined her friends and sorority sisters, Jackie Albright (C '19) and Lily Hempstead (W '18), at the march.

“We just believe that women should be bringing each other up instead of tearing each other down,” said Hempstead, who personally rejected several girls from joining her sorority Omega Alpha Kappa last week because they lacked a certain “spunk.” “All women deserve to be heard.”

The girls stayed up all night thinking up phrases such as “empowered women empower women” while discussing how much they lucked out with OAK’s newest pledge class this year.

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Satire  Published 14 hours ago

OP-ED: Have You Met My Menchy Grandson Jacob?

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Photo by Rennett Stowe / CC 2.0


Hi my sweet shaina punem. You must be Esther’s granddaughter. Oh, you’re not? Do I know your grandmother? Oh, we’ve never met? Oh I’ve never met you? Or anyone in your family? Well, we’ll have to play canasta some time together won’t we. You’re so sweet. Isn’t she so sweet? Such a little sweetie.

I know you’re relaxing by the pool on your PenninBocaRaton exchange program from college, but can I interrupt for just a moment? Have you met my grandson Jacob? You know, Jacob is my menchiest grand child. Just a good kid. I think you would really like him. Oh where is he? Oh he lives in Ontario Canada and never plans on coming to the United States, but I’m sure you’ll meet at some point… he went to Ramah!

My Jacob is just so smart. He knows so much about what’s new. The other day he was telling me about these, um, I think they were called Yugiohs. He knows so much about Yugiohs.

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Satire  Published 15 hours ago

​Girl Who Just Got Back From Italy Thrilled to Return to Drinking 32 Oz of Hot Milk

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Photo from pxhere / CC0


After a semester of studying abroad in Rome, junior Sophia Scutt has become accustomed to Italian food and culture. Her Instagram and Facebook boast filtered pictures of pizza, pasta, and, best of all, artisan coffee.

Coffee culture in Italy is very different than that in America: drinks are much smaller and far more espresso based. In fact, Starbucks, and all of its sugary sweetness, doesn’t even exist in Italy.

As much as Scutt loved showing off her cultural knowledge on social media, as soon as she stepped off her plane home, she headed right for a Trenta Caramel Macchiato.

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Satire  Published 15 hours ago

Student Who Exclusively Eats Allegro's at 1AM on Saturdays Speaks out About Supporting Local Businesses

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Photo from Pexels / CC0


She’s almost easy to miss, but sitting in the far back booth at Allegro Pizza and Grill is junior Danielle Hough, an activist if there ever was one. And her valiant effort to keep local Philadelphia businesses afloat has not gone unnoticed.

“I just LOVE this place!” a seemingly intoxicated Hough proclaimed at Allegro’s last Saturday night. “And you know even though I only ever get their pizza here,” she went on, “they have a huge menu with fries and pastas and sandwiches, too. It’s never-ending!” Her excitement is contagious and her group of friends nod along with her.

“Danielle is the most generous person we know,” stated Lucy, a longtime best friend of Hough. “She loves helping any and every business, no matter the time it takes away from sleeping or studying.”

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Satire  Published 15 hours ago

'I Need a Fucking Break,' Says Student Who Just Got Back From Break

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Photo from pxhere / CC0


As students continue to readjust to campus life and new classes, many are enthusiastic for the opportunities presented by a new semester. Others, however, are not as excited. Frank Vago, a sophomore in Wharton, was among the students that expressed a need for vacation after being on campus for only two days.

“I just need a fucking break from this place,” said Vago in an interview. “We should really have, like, a break after winter break. I think it’s something the student body should all rally behind, after we get Penn to divest in fossil fuels and do other more important stuff like that. I know I just got back from Mar-a-Lago, but I could really use another trip, honestly.”

Vago also believes that the university should fund student vacations to tourist hotspots in Latin America. “If we’re already paying $70,000 a year to be here, I think the school has some funding to spare. I don't see the point of a 1.2 billion dollar English building. With that money, we can all go somewhere nice for spring break.”

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Satire  Published 01/20/18 1:23am

Students Head South for PennInBocaRaton Abroad Program

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Photo from Wikimedia Commons / CC0


While most students were kicking back over break, some took the time as a chance to expand their horizons and pursue mind-opening studies through the PennInBocaRaton abroad program. The two-week homestay experience takes place in the exotic wonderland of Boca Raton, FL.

Penn students from all over the Eastern Seaboard converge on Boca Raton every year for this highly coveted program. Students from all four schools are welcome on the condition that you allow your host family to tell their bridge friends that you’re in Wharton.

Along with the standard curriculum, PennInBocaRaton students experience a number of programs on Boca Raton culture. Past events have included driving a Lexus to the bagel store without using turn signals, returning several items at Neiman Marcus, and enjoying dinner at a strip mall Italian restaurant before 6pm.

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Satire  Published 01/20/18 1:21am

Semiannual Free Food Festival, PennApps, Returns This Weekend

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Photo by Joy Lee / The Daily Pennsylvanian


Classes just started last week, and you're already back to your midnight McDonald's runs. 

In addition to being unhealthy, your constant fast food purchases might be getting expensive. Luckily, one of Penn's biggest free food festivals is returning to campus this weekend: the seventeenth iteration of PennApps.

PennApps organizers will provide full meals to any cheap, hungry student from Friday evening to Sunday afternoon—including breakfast, lunch, dinner, and late night snacks. Previous vendors have included Abner's, DiAntonio's, DiBruno's, Boston Market, L'il Pop Shop, and Federal Donuts.

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Satire  Published 01/19/18 1:12am

PRESIDENTIAL: Sophomore’s Health 'Excellent' Despite Tater-Tot-And-Four-Loko-Only Diet

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Photo by Pixabay / CC0


After a heavy campaign from “the haters” and a long wait for answers, doctors from the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania released Abby Johnson’s (E '20) full Medical Examination on Thursday afternoon. Contrasting popular belief, the exam confirmed that “Abby’s health is excellent,” despite her diet, made up exclusively of Tater-Tots and Four Lokos, and no record of physical activity in recent memory.

“Haters” drove Johnson to go though the examination after concerns about her stability. “She started saying things that just didn’t make sense,” said Johnson’s roommate—former best-friend and now full-time hater— Rachel Greenwalt (W '20). “Just the other day she told me the best day to get lit was objectively a Tuesday before a math exam. I don’t think she even knows what she’s saying! Like, I would get it if she were talking about a Wednesday before a math exam, at least.”

Johnson’s primary physician, Dr. May Jacobs, shared that Johnson was a healthy young woman but, along with concerns surrounding diet and exercise, noted that her reference points in almost every conversation were the Kardashians. “It almost seemed like Abby grew up in a hole in the ground, and in that hole she was protected from all cultural and political touchstones except for the Kardashians. Her brain is working; it’s just filled exclusively with facts on the Kardashians.”

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Satire  Published 01/19/18 12:59am

Freshman Who Set Snapchat to Celsius Over Break Still Has No Clue How to Change it Back

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Photos (with edits by MJ Kang) by Julio Sosa / The Daily Pennsylvanian and David Martin / Public Domain


With break squarely in the rearview mirror and students everywhere beginning to cobble together plans to visit warm beaches and exotic locations for Spring Break, one freshman must first grapple with technology in a situation reminiscent of a rejected Black Mirror episode.

Things were all fun and games for Anderson Robbins over Winter Break; he spent his free time road-tripping around the northeastern seaboard and snapping pictures of the great outdoors for all of his devoted followers on social media to see. While his Snapchat story was pulling okay numbers, deep down inside Robbins feared that he wasn’t putting himself in the best position possible to earn more clout over break. Some kids were posting bougie pictures from palatial Caribbean estates, while others were showing off the wholesome game nights they were sharing with their extended family. In comparison, not too many people seemed to give a shit about the blurry picture of some especially tall trees he had taken a few days ago. Luckily, inspiration struck Robbins as he sat in the backseat of his mom’s minivan, shivering softly in the 34℉ New England climate.

If people weren’t going to be impressed by the locations he was visiting they’d at least be impressed by the temperatures he was braving to get those shots, especially if they saw the number zero on their screens. Even though he was a red-blooded American who saluted his Imperial System conversion guide every night before bed, Robbins was sure that everyone he knew would be really impressed that he was vacationing in places cold enough to require both a coat and a hat. All throughout break Robbins sent out snaps showcasing the fact that he was braving frigid -2℃ temperatures, and the results spoke for themselves. “Like seven more people were watching my stories, and I even think Alexis from the third floor clicked on them a few times,” Robbins told us while profusely blushing, unaware of the fact that Alexis had accidentaly clicked on his story while drunkenly scrolling through Snapchat on New Year's Eve and unfollowed him soon after.

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