Satire  Published 03/24/17 3:43pm

Pull-Out Game Weak AF: Naive Freshman Fails to Understand the Difference Between Dropping and Withdrawing from a Course


Photo: Lea Eisenstein / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Keeping up with important dates on Penn’s absurdly long academic calendar is cumbersome for any student, but freshmen who are navigating it for the first time can find it especially challenging. 

One freshman in particular learned the hard way that, when it comes to shopping around for classes, relying on withdrawal can cause a messy situation.

When Alex Chadwick (C’ 20) decided to register for an anthropology class on the Silk Road at the beginning of the semester, he figured he would take some time to decide whether to actually pursue the credit. After some soul-searching and numerous disappointing quiz grades, he finally opted to drop the course from his schedule this Thursday—10 full weeks into the 14-week semester. But when he logged into Penn InTouch to finalize the decision, he quickly realized that he had made a grave miscalculation: He mistook “withdrawing from a course” for “dropping a course.”

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Satire  Published 03/24/17 3:09pm

Trump-mann Tweet of the Day


Photo: Meredith Mitchell / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Satire  Published 03/24/17 2:01pm

Pennovation at Work? Student Saves Valuable Time and Energy By Photographing Lecture Slides Instead of Taking Notes


Photo: Seth Fein / The Daily Pennsylvanian, Creative Commons, Pixabay (edited)

It was in the middle of his sociology lecture that Joseph Cohen had a revelation.

“I was sitting there, listening intently, taking comprehensive notes—like a dweeb,” Cohen recounted. “And I thought, ’This is an elite institution. Why are we still learning like it’s the 19th century?’”

So, in an excited burst of creativity and laziness, Cohen whipped out his iPhone and took a sideways picture of the current lecture slide. “Boom. Just took half a page of notes in a millisecond. And they’re in the most convenient place: my camera roll.”

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Features  Published 03/23/17 6:10pm

WATCH: This Amy Gutmann Video Op-Ed Is Either Terrible or Groundbreaking


Photo: Jeffrey Abelson / Vimeo (screenshot)

Some videos are so bizarre that they seem fake, but this one appears to be very real. Seven years ago, Amy Gutmann contributed to the most incredible avant-garde video op-ed of our time. The director of this masterpiece also directed several music videos, including one in which Arnold Schwartzenegger tries to murder Guns N' Roses

Words cannot express how fundamentally unsettling the footage is, so take a look at it for yourself below. It's only two and a half minutes, please watch it all.

Engaging Students In Democracy from Jeffrey Abelson on Vimeo.

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Satire  Published 03/23/17 4:34pm

Backpack Policy Confirms That Fisher Fine Arts Cares More About Its Appearance Than Its Books


Photo: Matthew Marcucci / Public Domain/ English Wikipedia

Like the Penn students that study there, Fisher Fine Arts cares more about its appearance than what's inside. Its backpack-checking policy, which requires a security guard to check students' backpacks for snacks and other highly illicit items as they enter, reveals what this library really cares about: its beautiful interior.  They might as well place a sign by the entrance that says, "Stealing books is welcome here, but your granola bar isn't."

Students report that Fisher's backpack-checking policy is less effective in practice than it is in theory: in reality, it has roughly a 0% success rate in preventing snacks from entering.  "I sneak a sushi bowl in with me each day.  Why do I have to keep opening my backpack if no one is going to look?" said College freshman Jen Rosen.

Though the efficacy of Fisher Fine Arts' backpack policy is similar to Van Pelt's backpack policy, the similarities end there. Van Pelt's policy is actually the exact opposite, indicating that Van Pelt values its books far more than its appearance. But we didn't have to look to Van Pelt's backpack policy to figure that one out.

Satire  Published 03/23/17 2:37pm

Trump-mann Tweet of the Day


/ The Daily Pennsylvanian

Satire  Published 03/23/17 1:35pm

Anheuser-Busch Announces Plans to Introduce "Natty IPA" to College Markets


Photo: David Akst / The Daily Pennsylvanian

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then, Anheuser-Busch created Natural Light in 1977. More than a decade later came Natural Ice, a higher ABV ice beer introduced in 1995. In 2012 came the infamous Natty Daddy, a malt liquor to supplement the already-great offerings of the Natural brand. Now, a fourth member of the family is born.

Anheuser-Busch has long been the champion of the American college student, producing beers both cheap and generally palatable. Capitalizing on a clearly underserved niche on college campuses, the company has announced plans to bring a Natural-branded IPA into production. 

"We're proud to unveil the Natty IPA, and we're confident that consumers are going to love it," Anheuser-Busch spokesman Hop Barlman told reporters at a press conference this morning. "It has all your favorite aspects of the Natural brand with a more grown-up, complex flavor."

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Satire  Published 03/23/17 11:35am

BREAKING: Amy Gutmann's Refusal to Shake Princeton President’s Hand is All a Big Misunderstanding


Photo: Daniel Xu , Huggo / The Daily Pennsylvanian, Wikimedia Commons, pixabay (edited)

“It all got terribly out of hand,” Gutmann said as she brainstormed puns that have to do with hands. This past Friday, President Gutmann had a meeting with Princeton President Christopher L. Eisgruber. As the two were posing for pictures, video footage revealed various photographers requested that the two shake hands, in addition to President Eisgruber himself asking to shake hands. However, Gutmann kept her hands firmly by her side and did not acknowledge the requests for a handshake.

Immediately following the encounter, various fake news sources on campus attempted to make the event into a scandal. However, Under the Button dot com was not so quick to make assumptions. We went directly to the source - Amy Gutmann’s new Handshake Taskforce.

After speaking with multiple representatives, we were finally able to get ahold of Gutmann herself. She explained the reasoning behind what is now commonly referred to as Handshake-gate: “Right before my meeting, I was super bored and the only thing I had to occupy myself was a pen I found on the floor. So, I did a M.A.S.H. on my hand to find out who I’m gonna marry, where I’m gonna live, you know, all that good stuff. It’s not as fun now as it was in middle school because I pretty much always end up with a downgrade of my current life, but it was better than doing nothing. After I finished the game I tried to spit on my hand and rub the ink off, but I guess it was a permanent marker. Honestly I was just doing President Eisgruber a favor - who wants to have inky spit on their hand?” (UTB can relate - we recently published an investigative story on a freshman whose hands “aren’t sweaty,” he “just washed them recently.”)

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Satire  Published 03/22/17 7:54pm

Trump-mann Tweet Of The Day

Satire  Published 03/22/17 6:46pm

Wow! A Networking Session With Goldman Sachs Puppies


Photo: Public Domain / Pixabay

In recent years, a trend that has swept through colleges across the nation is bringing puppies to campuses to reduce stress during midterms and finals. Usually the events raise money for a good cause, and they seem to reduce stress. On the surface at least. But the painful truth is that sometimes Puppy Paloozas end up adding on more stress than they take away. 

Picture this: Tim (W '19) is playing with a tiny version of a golden retriever. He throws a bone in a too-small room in Houston that is filled with other sweaty and stressed peers. The bone reminds him of a prize. He remembers the words of his father on his 18th birthday, before he left for college: Eyes on the prize, TimboHe thinks of the shining future in finance that he wants so desperately to have one day, but knows deep down that he cannot achieve by spending his afternoon with puppers. 

Wow. That's hard.  

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