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Penn is an all around swell place, but sometimes it's really just not so swell. Sometimes it's just literally the worst. So what better time to celebrate the worst of Penn than right after we celebrated its best? You don't get to vote or anything – we just picked for you. Sorry, we're the worst.
Worst Study Spot:
The smoothie shop at PottruckRead the Full Article
If there's one thing Penn Relays showed this week besides the payoff of training and dedication, it's that the athletes are legit Darwinianly better than the rest of us. They can outlive us in a zombie apocalypse, outlive us in general, or just straight up kick our ass if they wanted to. Let's face it: something like a couple unflattering pics wouldn't even phase them. So on behalf of those of us who get tired just thinking about Penn Relays, let alone participating, Under the Baton presents:
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If you couldn't tell from the sudden spike in tracksuits on campus, the Penn Relays are officially here. In the same spot where you stood/stumbled/fell last Friday, runners are now breaking world records. Whatta comparison. Since we're never going to be faster than Usain Bolt, here are few things we wish were.
Did anyone else notice how there are finally leaves on the trees over Locust? It is remarkable how quickly they creep in and cast us in shadows. However, not to be overshadowed, we profiled Penn Players and their current musical LoveMusik. We pretended to be cultured.
UTB: So who are you, and what are you flyering for?
I am Ella, and I am Genna (with a G) and we are part of Penn Players.Read the Full Article
Using modern technology is often confusing and sometimes embarrassing, which is why UTB conducts all its communications through elaborate smoke signaling. Unfortunately, not everyone is an early adopter, which led to this recent cringeworthy moment on the Communication listserv. Aside from the irony of this happening on the Communication listserv, this fiasco broke new grounds in email embarrassment.
A higher-up decided to scold the person who initially sent out the email, but accidentally did so via the WHOLE listserv, saying "don’t do anything now, but when there is a confusing presentation, you need to sort it out before they start reading". After realizing the mistake, the higher-up tried to recall the email, by again emailing the whole listserv with a line of hashtags (???) in an attempt to void the message. Unfortunately, ####################### cannot solve this disaster.Read the Full Article
Perhaps plagued by a profound sense of end-of-the-semester-nostalgia, or the same prankster spirit that brought you this, students have stolen the Fisher Hassenfeld House photo for a second time and House Dean Shawna M. Patterson is pissed. Invoking both Lemony Snicket and the NSA, Patterson informed her residents that their lives will be incredibly unpleasant if they are caught with the stolen picture. She also warned that they will be caught by the Big Brother that is Quad security cameras, forcing all to reevaluate some Spring Fling decisions.
We aren't sure what punishment Patterson has in mind, but it certainly can't be worse than the mysterious misting Ware residents have already endured. And, while we are definitely not advocating for theft of school property, if the anonymous thieves do make it out alive, our office could use some new decorations.
Ah, Fling. What a time to be "alive." For those of you who left it all out there in the Quad, here are the texts that you don't remember sending. For those of you who do remember your shenanigans, maybe try doing better next year.
410: how was your night?
203: Got far too drunkRead the Full Article
Bon Appétit introduced a new program where students can exchange unwanted meal swipes for Dining Dollars. It sounds like a great way to keep freshman out of the rotten apple filled, cockroach infested dining halls. Penn Dining will credit $4.75 in Dining Dollars for each swipe that can be used to buy muffins with nails in them at locations such as Houston Hall.
...but wasn't your meal plan like $5,000? An Under The Button investigation revealed that the default Best Food Fit (BFF) freshman dining plan costs a staggering $4,928. This plan includes $800 Dining Dollars and 250 meal swipes. Dining Dollars have the same value as real dollars, except they're worse because you are limited to use them only at Bon Appétit locations. So we subtracted that $800 from the total and got $4,128. Divide that by 250 swipes and we arrived at $16.52 per swipe. That means Bon Appétit is snatching $11.77 in value per converted swipe. This seems almost as sketchy as making every freshman buy an unwanted and overpriced plan in the first place.
The first week after Fling is a special time for all. It’s a time to reflect: What a wonderful Fling you had! So many memories! It’s a time to regret: Did I really need to take that last shot? Or sleep with that guy? And why did we think THIS DESIGN was original?
But we’d like to take this time to respect (and reject) some of this year’s Fling tanks. Some were actually amusing. Some were unpleasantly boring. Some were desperately unclever. We get it, you wanted to stand out, and for better or worse, we noticed you. So as per tradition, accept our awards and comments with honor and pride, or remorse and defeat. It's hard to say.Read the Full Article