Satire  Published 2 hours ago

Open Letter to SPEC: Zedd is Wack, Bring Back 3lau


/ The Daily Pennsylvanian


Zedd? Really?

I'm not gonna hide it, I'm not "hip", I'm not "with it." I don't know what today's youth wants in an Electronic Dance Music performer. But I sure as hell know that it's not the guy who made the tear-your-hair-out overplayed nonsense that was "Clarity." It's most certainly not "lit", as the kids might say.

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Satire  Published 4 hours ago

Trump-mann Tweet of the Day


/ The Daily Pennsylvanian

Satire  Published 4 hours ago

Class Board Candidate Arrested After Breaking Into Dorm Rooms at 4 AM to Solicit Votes


Photo: Julio Sosa / The Daily Pennsylvanian

It’s that time of year again.

As students are being harassed on Locust twice as much as usual and being emailed via listservs they never knew they had joined, candidates are going out of their way to campaign for positions on Penn’s Student Government. Frank Smith, a freshman running for re-election in the Class Board elections, has been a particularly notable example.

Earlier today, Smith was arrested by Penn Police for breaking into people’s bedrooms in the Quad at 4 in the morning in an aggressive attempt to solicit votes from apathetic freshmen. Numerous witnesses claim to have seen Smith using his enormous stack of flyers as a tool to ram into doors and break them open.

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Satire  Published 8 hours ago

The Fling Headliner Was Revealed Via 'Penn News Today' Email Last Week, But No One Noticed


Screenshot from Penn News Today email edited by David Akst, Zedd photo from swimfinfan / CC 2.0

If the Fling headliner is released via Penn News Today and nobody reads the email, did it ever really happen?

Penn students have been forced to grapple with this question after reports indicated that long-awaited news of the 2017 Fling performers, Zedd and Tinashe, was accidentally leaked in a university-wide Penn News Today email sent out last Monday. The problem? Nobody actually opened it.

“When we realized what had happened, we were absolutely mortified,” a spokesperson for the Office of University Communications said. “Thankfully we didn't have to worry about the news spreading, due to our extremely low readership.”

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Satire  Published 18 hours ago

This Year's Fling Headliners Are Zedd and a Time Machine to 2012


The performers for Spring Fling 2017 (Tinashe as opener, Zedd as headliner) were recently announced on 34th Street's website, and reactions are mixed. Some people are neutral or upset about Zedd headlining the concert, while others are just waking up from 4- or 5-year-long comas excited to see the man behind 2012 smash hit "Clarity". 

Although they ultimately decided on Zedd, SPEC also considered Skrillex and deadmau5. Zedd, who is scheduled to perform repeatedly at Las Vegas nightclubs and pool parties throughout the summer, was slightly cheaper than the other two. The money saved, according to SPEC, will be spent on R&D, production, and testing costs for the co-headliner: a time machine.

"We're designing a particularly big time machine," a member of the SPEC executive board told us. "It's going to be big enough to send everyone in attendance back to 2012, so they can enjoy Zedd the way he's meant to be enjoyed: five years in the past."

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Satire  Published 03/29/17 5:44pm

Wharton Finance Club’s Formal Was Actually Goldman’s First Round Interview


Pixabay / CC0 Public Domain

It’s always formal szn in Philadelphia. The Wharton Undergraduate Finance Club (WUFC) tossed their spreadsheets and study drugs aside and rescheduled last minute coffee chats for their formal last weekend. They even hired an avant-garde photographer who must have somehow positioned laser beams throughout the club to add these super cutting edge light streaks to their photos on Facebook. Wild!

But, contrary to popular belief, the WUFC formal was booby-trapped with much more than those super awesome lights. In fact, their lord and savior Goldman Sachs packed the venue with hidden cameras and their few remaining youthful looking analysts to spy on the investment banking prodigies. WUFC members thought this was just an opportunity for a fire insta to post during peak hours on Sunday night. False. It was the first round interview for Summer 2018 internships.

Goldman employees were ecstatic to get out of the office between 9:00 pm and 3:00 am, something that had not happened since Election Night. They were told to engage in conversation as casually as possible, with light and relatable topics including pesky finger cramps from modeling, that funny feeling of caffeine pills aggressively entering your bloodstream and the worry of finding love when social lives don’t exist.

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Satire  Published 03/29/17 4:10pm

Trump-mann Tweet Of The Day


Gena Basha / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Satire  Published 03/29/17 2:13pm

The One Thing Wharton DOESN'T Want Prospective Students to Know


Photo: Mackenzie Lukas / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Tomorrow, the prospective class of 2021 Wharton students will get their application decisions. From the outside, it seems like Wharton is just a super exclusive club, where all the classes have unnecessarily long names with funny sounding acronyms, like PEPTO101 and BISMOL250. Luckily, Under the Button is revealing the one thing Wharton doesn’t want prospective students to know.

It’s really fucking complicated to charge your phone in Huntsman.

You’ll have to use one of the phone lockers in the forum. After approaching the locker, you’ll enter your personal information to the computer screen, including pennkey and password, birthday, year when you first got a Goldman Sachs internship, and what percent communist you are. Then, the computer will ask for your height and weight (including your ego and/or the weight of the world’s expectations) to ensure that you’ll be able to reach the phone slot selected, or at least that you’ll be able to jump high enough to throw your phone in. The computer will then ask you for your resume and any qualifications that make you stand out as an applicant for the phone locker. After three interview stages, you’ll be allowed to place your phone into the locker, but as an inexperienced first-timer, your phone will not actually charge until the third or fourth time you use the locker.

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Features  Published 03/29/17 11:53am

Seven Victorian Insults to Unleash Casually at Penn


Photo by Nordic Museum with edits by Lauren Sorantino / CC 2.0

1. "Silence, you church bell!" for the girl in your class who did not do the reading but insists on participating by telling a related personal experience

2. "Hush, Whooperup!" for an overzealous member of the a cappella community

3. "Good riddance, mutton shunter!" for people in M&T who remind you they're in M&T

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Satire  Published 03/28/17 4:04am

Poll: 38% of Wharton Students are Ironically Communists


Photo: Julia Schorr / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Memes are the opiate of the masses.

A new poll conducted by the Penn Undergraduate Association for More Polls has shown that nearly 38 percent of Wharton undergraduate students identify as “ironically communist,” following an upward trend over the past few years. Just eight years ago, the percentage of ironically communist Whartonites was eight percent, so what has caused the huge jump? Memes.

We spoke to Wharton junior Alan Schwartz about why he identifies as an ironic communist. “To be honest, communism memes are hilarious,” says Schwartz. ”I mean, look at this stuff, it’s very hard not to be entertained by this ideology that is antithetical to my own economic views.” Schwartz referred us to a meme called “Comrade Jeb!” which depicts the former governor of Florida as an anarcho-communist bent on destroying capitalism and beating up fascists. “I felt so bad for him during the campaign, all he wanted was for people to clap for him. Now, I find this confusing and esoteric meme hilarious. It really makes me love communism!”

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