Satire  Published 4 hours ago

Your Freshman Year Friends: Where Are They Now?


Photo by David thomson / CC0

Ah, your freshman year, what great times. You had such a solid group of friends, too. 

There was Sam, the girl you met during NSO, Brendan, the one from West Chester, Lily, the one from Houston (how did she and Brendan get along, again?), and, of course, George, the friend you met in that gender neutral bathroom back in Ware. They were all such a big part of your freshman year experience, but where are those freshman year mistakes friends now?

Sam discovered that her true calling was finance instead of medicine. Classic. She started spending late nights in Hunstman GSRs with a cozy fireplace up on the TV screen and, surprisingly, George. The two of them started getting closer cramming for exams and applying for internships. I think it was around the time you started hanging out a lot at the Phi house; the two have been together since!

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Satire  Published 4 hours ago

How to Avoid Studying for Finals by Texting Your Ex Instead


Photo by JE ShootsEdits by MJ Kang

Are you dreading studying for finals? No need to worry! Here's one distraction that will eternally divert your attention: texting your ex. Here's how you can do it:

Step 1: Close any open books. If you want to text your ex, it is important for you to close any open books. It will be difficult to complete the next steps with an open biology textbook in plain sight.

Step 2: Unlock your phone. Duh! In order for you to move forward with your irresponsible plan, you'll need to unlock your phone. Use either your finger print or your four-digit passcode.

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Satire  Published 5 hours ago

Board Elections Started Eight Hours Ago, and Everyone is Still Here


Photo from Pixabay / CC0

Money. Ambition. Backstabbing. Drama. Intrigue. These may sound like descriptor words for the next hit daytime soap, but they also describe the board elections of the Penn Undergraduate Finance Fellows (PUFF).

At 3:55 a.m. in JMHH G50, tensions among the club members were running high.

"I just think," shouted Jake Schneider (W '18), the outgoing recruitment chair, "there's no way Jamie will be able to meet the demands of this position. At the SAC fair, she didn't get a single person to sign up for our listserv. And we had Insomnia!"

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Satire  Published 12/12/17 2:56am

4 Politically Correct Ways to Say "Give Me A Good Fucking Grade Please" This Holiday Season


Photo by Hoangttu / CC BY-SA 3.0 

Ok, so you tried to be that guy who somehow miraculously turns his C- into an A in the last 2 weeks of classes, but it’s not working out so well. You did the calculations, and it turns out you need an 181.34% on the Math 114 final to secure yourself an A-. Don’t worry, not all hope is lost. Luckily for you, there’s a few magical phrases you can say that’ll boost your chance of getting a good grade - and of getting into med school.

1. "Hello professor, would you like to come to my apartment and engage in questionable activities that are in no way sexual in exchange for a reevaluation of my final exam grade?" - This one’s sure to work if you’ve been able to establish the correct “professional relationship” with your professor or TA. Bonus points if you’ve matched with them on Tinder.

2. "Hello professor, would you like to accept my gift that is definitely not a financial incentive taken from my trust fund in exchange for a reevaluation of my final exam grade?" - You know what they say: play to your strengths, even if they mean the ones that you inherited from your multi-millionaire parents. 

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Satire  Published 12/12/17 2:52am

OP-ED: How Elf on the Shelf Ruined My Relationship


Photo by An Errant Knight / CC BY-SA 4.0, Jeff Djevdet / CC BY 2.0, Mark Baylor / CC BY 2.0 (edited)

December 3

It started as a joke. I gave my boyfriend, Matt, an Elf on the Shelf on at the beginning of December to commemorate our first holiday season together. He laughed, I laughed, and we put the Elf on the Shelf on a shelf in his once elf-less room.

December 4

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Satire  Published 12/11/17 11:22pm

Self Love Win: Just Because This Frat Boy Is Mean and Boring Doesn't Mean He Can't Also Be Really Vain


Photo by nym (cropped) / CC BY 2.0

Amazing. This frat boy, despite being mean-spirited and genuinely uninteresting, continues to love himself. Really love himself. That’s right: even though he’s a fundamentally bland chauvinist, he doesn’t let it affect what he sees when he looks in the mirror— an egotistical dick.

Gary S, a senior from Westchester County, New York, doesn’t let society dictate his self-esteem with words like “kind of racist” and “only talks about Greek Rank.” He takes his self-image into his own hands, and proceeds to grossly exaggerate his few positive qualities in his mind. #SelfLove.

Despite his most defining qualities being “wanting a job in finance” and “sports,” Gary is still able to convince himself that his opinions and interests are unique and interesting to others. Even while recently discovering his new beer gut, he still manages to think he is irresistible to women, no matter what they say or how they act. You go Gary!

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Satire  Published 12/11/17 11:17pm

Student Who Has Never Heard of an Onside Kick 'Devastated' About Carson Wentz


Photo by Keith Allison (cropped) / CC BY-SA 2.0

Big news for the 14 students at Penn who genuinely enjoy sports: after a win against the LA Rams on Sunday night, the Eagles clinched the NFC East! But it wasn't all sunshine for Eagles fans. Carson Wentz, the Eagles' very talented, ginger, and North Dakotan quarterback, left the game with a season-ending ACL tear. Yikes.

Trent Jacobs (C '19), who has watched one football game in his life (at a Buffalo Wild Wings with his step-dad), was devastated to hear the news via Buzzfeed Trending. "The Eagles were so good. And because they were good, I liked them. It just sucks that Cobalt Weitz got that MCD sprain, because now the Eagles won't be as good anymore, you know?"

"Do I know how many downs a team has before they have to turn over the ball? Obviously, but my brain is pretty fried from finals so the number is escaping me. Anyways, I'm just pretty heartbroken about Cast Iron Welts shredding his ALS. I don't know, I really thought the Eagles had a shot at winning the Stanley Cup this year. Who knows what this Nick Fowls dude can do?"

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Satire  Published 12/11/17 10:07pm

Sophie’s Choice: Do You Get Blackout at That Random Formal, or Do You Get a Decent Grade on Your Final?


Photo from Pixabay / CC0

So your roommate set you up with that tall guy Jonah for Omega Alpha Theta Mu Epsilon Alpha Lambda (commonly referred to as Oatmeal) formal. But you also have a final in PHYS320: Quantum Mechanics and Other Difficult Concepts the morning after. Yikes! What should you do?

Well, you have a C+ in the class, and you’ve only been to two full lectures. Three, if you count that time you went but played HQ Trivia the whole time. You don’t even know what your professor’s voice sounds like, tbh. But GPA is just a number right?

And Jonah is so tall! Well, 5 ft 7, but you don’t like heels anyway. And none of your friends have hooked up with him. That's so rare! Except for Kelly one time, but that was so random. Anyway, your roommate Jessica is going with her boyfriend and the four of you would definitely have such a good time! They for sure won’t ditch you 5 minutes into the pregame to hang out with only each other.

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Satire  Published 12/11/17 11:33am

Student From California Spotted Snorting Snow in the Quad


Photo from Wikimedia Commons // CC0

Jerome Mordan (C '21) had never seen snow until this weekend. The SoCal native, who constantly complains about the cold and lets his friends know that all things are better in Cali, was shocked to see white material all over the ground in the Quad on Sunday. Mordan had also never seen cocaine in real life.

Mordan, visibly inebriated after partying the entire night on Saturday, did the only thing that made sense to him. He snorted the snow, as it resembled the cocaine that he had seen in movies and heard people talking about in the bathroom just a few hours earlier.

Some Quad residents were shocked by the event, and they couldn’t resist wondering what was wrong with Mordan.

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Satire  Published 12/11/17 11:05am

Aging Professor Keeps Mind Active by Constantly Thinking of New Ways to Break Students


Photo from Pexels / CC0

Maurice Lewis has been a pillar of the Penn Anthropology department for nearly half a century. While he has no desire to quit his dream job, even he admits that the years are creeping up on him.

“I’m not the same man that I was in the '80s,” he sighed wistfully, “Back then, you could tell me an artifact’s museum call number and I’d be able to walk you there blindfolded. But my memory isn’t quite what it used to be.”

But Dr. Lewis didn’t fill up his office (and his TA’s offices) with departmental and national awards by being complacent.

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