News  Published 14 hours ago

Freshman Bladder Shames Ben

This weekend, a student in Ware just couldn’t hold it in and was fined for peeing on the Benjamin Franklin statue, confirming that sickening feeling we get whenever visitors put their children on Ben's lap for a picture. We already know that some freshmen never learn, but shouldn’t this rogue urinator have been forewarned?  Luckily, the $50 fine isn't as bad as the punishment you might expect for committing the ultimate act of Penn blasphemy. That’s only one Grant or five Hamiltons to make your mark on our favorite founding father. Next time, we suggest bringing a friend along—we just love the thought of paying a Benjamin for Benjamin.

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News  Published 17 hours ago

We're A Little Strung Out

The infamous tampon strings have officially been removed and their menstrual mystery solved. It turns out there was a magnet on the strings so that they could be attached without the prankster having to climb up the sculpture's side, an act of ingenuity worthy of Penn Apps. Although we're sad to see this welcome addition to our campus go, we're not too broken up about it. We know we'll see it again around this time next month.


News  Published 19 hours ago

Notorious New York Times Reporter Is Seriously Coming (Back) To Campus

Well, well, well. If it isn't Kate Taylor, infamous "investigative journalist" and slanderer of Penn women everywhere.

That's right, this one's for real. After spending a year on campus paid by the New York Times to creep on our "difmos" at Smoke's and judge/slut-shame our now-iconic "hookup culture," Kate Taylor's headed back to UCity – this time speaking in the public eye.

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 Published 09/22/14 2:43am

What's HapPENNing?

Hi. We're a month deep into school now so it's about time you participate in the goings-on of this vibrant and diverse community. Check out the menu:

Today: CURF Research Mixer - 4:30 Bodek Lounge

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News  Published 09/21/14 7:55pm

Because Penn Professors Aren't Intimidating Enough

Here at Penn, we're used to having compassionate professors. Eccentric ones, too. And an unjustifiably cruel one here and there. But Professor Danielle Bassett just took it up a notch, as she was awarded a MacArthur fellowship for her work in physics. 

What exactly does that mean, you ask? Well, Bassett, and the 20 other recipients, will be granted a cool $625,000 for their accomplishments at a ceremony on Wednesday. In layman's terms? This bad bitch just changed the game at the ripe age of 32. 

Alas, to all those enrolled in her Network Neuroscience course this semester: the drop period ends October 3rd.


News  Published 09/21/14 3:31pm

The Best Age To Die Is...Wait, What?

It seems about time that a Penn professor publicly reminds us that growing old is going to suck. It's something we've all suspected, but there's something pretty final about hearing it from bioethicist Ezekiel Emmanuel in The Atlantic. He has all sorts of fun graphs and neat statistics about things like "Declining Productivity" and "Functional Limitations" to help hammer home his point that the best age to die is 75. His argument is that by 50 you will have achieved everything great you ever will, so might as well kick the bucket before you get too old. Yikes

Still, it's pretty cool that he refers to those of us hoping for a long life as "American Immortals." Agree with his points or not, you're just going to get older anyways. Ah, the passage of time. But whatever though, because our plan is still just to age flawlessly


News  Published 09/20/14 2:17pm

Spotify Told The Whole World We Have Crappy Music Taste

Spotify played creepy corporate big brother this week and named us the 34th most musical school in the country based on subscriptions and listening habits. Unlike most of the ranking bullshit-storm, though, they actually released a pretty detailed breakdown of how we get down. Hint: Playboy def won't be inviting us to DJ one of their parties anytime soon. The highlights:

1. We can hate on SPEC all we want but we're kinda down with Magic Man. And now DARLING. All that [fling] shit's BEHIND US. You know we held on TOO MUCH. 

2. Amy Gutmann Time 2 Shine mind control program is complete. John Legend is officially stuck in all our heads and we like it.

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Features  Published 09/19/14 4:24pm

Race To The UA Part II: One Hour Left To Not Vote For These People

Once again the freshmen teach us that  just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. Voting closes at 5 p.m. today, and if you know what’s good for you, you’ll give this a read before sealing your class’s fate.

In what can only be described as 58 seconds you’ll never get back Dawit Gebresellasdhsdajfk(sp?) tries be like Chuck Norris…and it’s uncomfortable at best. The self-proclaimed “Most Interesting Candidate in the World” doesn’t waste a second—he hits us with his qualifications (only those unrelated to the responsibilities of UA President, of course) and drowns us in elevator music. Shut it down, shut it down now.

And then there was this Wharton Class Chair campaign poster which, to put it mildly, completely crossed the line. Putting your photo between Joseph Kony and Joseph Stalin? Not only is that completely inappropriate, offensive, insensitive, and other harsher adjectives, but this also might be the only way to insure that NO ONE votes for you.

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 Published 09/19/14 1:16pm

Flyerer of the Week: Muslim Student Association

Did you avoid Locust this week because of scary, annoying freshmen? Probably a good move, but like, yo we got you covered. Flyerer Of The Week goes to these dudes from the Muslim Student Association. We tried not to say anything culturally insensitive (and ultimately failed). 

So, who are you and why are you on the walk?

I'm Habeeb (plz be the right spelling) and I'm Ali. We're part of the Muslim Student Association, a student group for Muslim and non-Muslim students to come together and support each other.

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 Published 09/18/14 4:15pm

Baltimore Dollar Stroll From 5:30 to 8:30 Tonight! -- Don't miss University City District's popular event along Baltimore Avenue between 43rd and 51st streets! Get just outside the Penn bubble and enjoy $1 food and drank -- from samosas at Desi to hot dogs at Green Line -- plus free live entertainment. So be sure to SABS on down the road with your cheap Little Baby's ice cream and Dock Street beer -- and check Street's guide here.


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