News  Published 1 hour ago

You Fell For DP Joke Issue: A Tale of Gullibility and Disappointment

At one point or another on Wednesday, you thought a number of things. You thought Emma Watson was enrolling at Penn; you thought Penn banned hard alcohol, and that your Netflix was a goner. You were a victim of the system DP’s joke issue. It's okay, you weren't alone.

But c’mon, didn’t these fantasies sound a tad familiar? Remember when Ariana Grande was coming to Penn, or when Penn deemed losing a PennCard worthy of academic probation? When Skulls was set to take over Amy’s house, or when Amy Gutmann said marijuana for all?

Nevertheless, people fell for it. Hard. And in a few days, when your tears have dried and this whole snafu becomes a thing of the past, you’ll probably think it’s funny too. Until then, check out these Penn-goers who are just like you, and maybe delete those embarrassing overeager Facebook posts. 

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News  Published 18 hours ago

Penn Masala To Headline BuzzFeed

As if they hadn't already made it to the big leagues, Penn Masala was featured on none other than BuzzFeed. Among quizzes that tell you how many members of 1D you could take in a fight (we got them all, no biggie), BuzzFeed India wrote a post commending Masala’s new music video, "Bollywood Breakdown." Of course, this comes as no surprise; Masala's already topped charts around the world….wide music genre of iTunes. Congrats, Masala. We hope you remember us when you get really famous and end up on an even bigger site.

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News  Published 19 hours ago

Beyoncé and Jay Z: Celebs Not Coming To Philly, Part 2

Looks like we’ve been duped again. Two days ago, self-proclaimed real estate mogul Michael Angelina reported that Jay Z and Yoncé would be purchasing a $20 million condo at 5th and Walnut. However, with tears in her eyes, the VP of Sales and Marketing for the unit stated that “Jay Z and Beyoncé have not purchased the penthouse at 500 Walnut at this time.” 

We have to admit we’re a bit sad that Jayoncé won’t be expanding their dominion from the concrete jungle to Philly. Could you imagine babysitting for little baby Blue? Or catching Queen Bey at Sweetgreen with a quinoa salad in hand? We can only dream…  

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 Published 21 hours ago

Local Fraternity Pawns Off Tchotchkes

Men across campus are rapidly selling off all their worldly possessions this week in order to have extra spending cash to woo Hermione when she arrives on campus. Local frat boys have been quoted as saying "Ya, she's like really hot, so like, I need that extra cash so I can pay for White Dog. Food there is hella pricey, but girls love it." 


Features  Published 22 hours ago

PENN MADNESS: The Elite 8

Your votes have been tabulated. Welcome to ROUND TWO. If you're just joining us, here's the deal: we've rounded up your favorite stories from this year and are pitting them against each other—it's like the thing they do with the sports, but better. 

Need a refresher before you vote? Here are the links to this round's competitors:  #StopTheFlyering, Usher at FrogroPenn Makes PlayboyCanada Goose TumblrNail in Houston MuffinPenn Dental GoProCross Campus Skiing, and Chili's Closing.

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News  Published 03/26/15 11:11am

How Do You Like Them Apples?

If Snow White didn’t get you to stop eating apples, maybe this will. We’re pretty sure it’s not poisonous, but tbh, it might as well be. Thanks, Kings Court, for being yet another dining hall to shows us that we really shouldn’t try to be healthy. Let it be known that #penncraves heavily processed, pre-packaged, arsenic infused foods and not whatever organic process is going on above. An apple a day keeps the doctor away? Looks like BS to us. 

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News  Published 03/25/15 6:02pm

UA Election Coverage: Top Contenders Vie For Voters

As Penn faces another round of UA elections, UTB took to the UA debates to report on the pulse of the student body. The air was tense as the candidates prepped for the crowds of voters waiting to see them face off during the final debate for UA President and Vice President for 2015. The time had come for the student body to decide. The consequences would be crucial. Who would win the hearts and minds of Quakers willing to ask the hard questions?

As the humans at the front of the room jabbered on and the gavel banged to cut off their speeches, the voters gathered on the left side of the room to survey their choices: cookie, macaroon, or cupcake?

The chocolate chip cookies were broken in half, a smart budget-saving measure that showed their financial savvy. However, the White & Wong wrappers strewn across the table reminded students of hard times in VP when they had reached for a cookie of salvation and instead received a piece of crumbly and chocolate-sparse garbage. How will these cookies be able to convince voters that they won't be burned again by another year of UA inaction?

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News  Published 03/25/15 2:19pm

Sweetgreen Now Serves Salmon, But Don't Worry, It's Sustainably Sourced

Have you ever eaten your chopped kale while sipping your kale smoothie with your fellow kale enthusiasts and had a sudden craving for salmon? Now you're in luck. Sweetgreen's new menu, already available in stores, features sustainably sourced salmon from a fishery in none other than Patagonia, South America! We're excited, but honestly we'd be more excited if the salmon came from a fishery located in a Canadian region with geese. But still, this must be what it feels like to have your life come full circle and it truly is a gift. 

Other new additions to the menu include an umami grain bowl and a bleu cheese and bacon salad for your dad when you drag him there and he's like, "Where's the real food in this place?" But make no mistake – it is and always will be all about the kale.


News  Published 03/25/15 1:28pm

It's A Bird! It's A Plane! It's...A Huge Chain Of Frogro Bags?

If you looked up from your phone for once, you probably noticed this plastic bag tightrope between two rooms in Harnwell and Harrison this morning. There are a lot of things we want to know, like: who? what? when? how? and why? While we'd like to believe they did it using some complex drone maneuvers, they probably just started making two separate chains from each room, let them reach the ground, connected them in the middle, and then pulled it tight...which is a lot of work for something that probably already got taken down by the time you're reading this—not to mention, a lot of groceries. 


News  Published 03/25/15 11:42am

FINALLY, A UA Candidate Who You A Shit Those Little Sister How York To Make Your Life Better

↑  Watch with closed captioning on (hit the "CC" button) ↑

Ah, Bill Ding. Born a pun and not afraid to milk it, he gets the UTB spotlight every time UA elections come around. This time, he's the victim of YouTube's notoriously faulty automatic closed-captioning system. According to YouTube, Ding wants to:

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