News  Published 6 hours ago

A Mother's Love, Locust Walk Edition

On horrible snowy days like this when nothing else seems good, one thing that we can remember is that our moms really do love us! Although she was confused about the appropriate venue to voice her sentiments, one Penn mom luv-ingly commented on the official University of Pennsylvania Facebook to remind her offspring to stay safe and avoid walking alone at night – and to remind us that moms don't really get how to use Facebook.

 Published 8 hours ago

ShutterButton: Winter Precipitation Continues Conspiracy To Only Fall On Weekends

Scenes that would have induced a deluge of #winterwonderland instas just two months ago now evoke pure rage in our hearts and minds. Not only does this endless snow/hail nonsense create a never-ending slipperiness that endangers us, but it also has decided to fall only on weekends when it has absolutely no chance of preventing professors from making it to class from the 'burbs. F*** It February might be over, but the sentiment lives on for another day. We're over you, wintry mix. We're off to PV.

Features  Published 10 hours ago

Random Dude At A Party, Vol. 8

Read about more past Random Dudes herehereherehere, herehere, and here. And now, for our Eighth edition of talking to our drunken comrades late on a Thursday night:

If you could spend a day with Amy Gutmann, what would you do together? 

A night??

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Features  Published 02/28/15 2:14pm

Locust Flyperlatives, Vol. IV

We've reached our fourth volume of Flyperlatives – the big I-V! But really the only V's you should be concerned about this weekend are the ones being talked about at the Vagina Monologues. Although it's sure to be an exciting and socially important show, it's sort of disappointing that the vagina costumes are going to be retired for the remainder of winter. 

Most likely to make you an activist: Vagina Monologues

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News  Published 02/27/15 12:44pm

High Class Partier Takes Uber Fratting Down Locust

Remember in high school when everyone pooled together hundreds of dollars for a ten minute limo ride to prom? Well, one Penn student just couldn't bear the embarrassment of getting dropped off at prom a frat party in daddy's 2002 Honda Civic last night and opted for a sleek, black Uber car instead. 

Sure, it's freezing outside, and we'd be lying if we said we haven't cabbed to DRL, but why drive on Locust? Why not just get dropped off on Spruce? We hope that this frat star had the sceniest of nights SABSing at Elmo/St. A's/FIJI/whatever else is on that side of Locust. But if Locust Walk is transforming into Locust Drive, we have some suggestions: 

1. Use your Lyft credits on your way home each day to avoid the high rise wind tunnel.
2. Call an Uber whenever you don't feel like walking over the 38th Street Bridge.
3. Avoid flyerers and/or your latest DFMO by hiding behind the tinted windows of a black Lexus.
4. Surprise your little with door service from the Lower Quad Gate to her Spanish class in Williams.
5. Drive through a campus tour to show prefrosh that no one fucks with you.

News  Published 02/26/15 11:07pm

AFTER DARK: Rodin Residents Spend Thursday Night In An Elevator

When it comes to giving believable excuses, claiming to be stuck in an elevator ranks lower than telling your hookup that “your friend is sick and you have to go.” But believe it or not, these poor souls lived everyone’s nightmare of being stuck in a Rodin elevator tonight, and man do we feel for them. We of course hope for their safety and release, but we wonder, what happened in there? Did they resort to playing Desert Island? Was it a Survivor kind of situation? Were the occupants as calm as the other people in this photo who seem unalarmed by their peers’ claustrophobic predicament? Did the pictured firemen pry them out with their medieval-esque weaponry? Did anyone emerge a hero? We’ll never really know. All we can do is hope that no one has a 12 am deadline, and that tomorrow isn’t so bad.

News  Published 02/26/15 4:30pm

Houston Nails Their Breakfast Muffins

There are a lot of things that can ruin your morning, like trudging to 8:30 a.m. recitation or bumping into last weekend’s DFMO on Locust. But nothing is probably worse THAN FINDING A LITERAL NAIL IN YOUR BREAKFAST MUFFIN. Yes, that’s correct. An unfortunate Penn employee found a whole nail in a Houston muffin. This was likely an accident, but we can’t help but think: was this foul play? Maybe Houston is in fact testing out a new nail-flavored muffin? Maybe this was just a wedding proposal gone wrong! Whatever the case was, this definitely wasn’t the getting nailed we had in mind.  

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News  Published 02/26/15 3:46pm

This Job Search Description Will Make You Cringe

Congratulations, you now have the privilege of tutoring a ninth grader whose achievements easily surpass yours. This "precocious, motivated" 14-year-old will be taking a year off of her intensive high school curriculum to study in one year what you will probably take 4 years at Penn to do. For an unbeatable 10 bucks an hour, you get the privilege of being blessed by a 9th grader's scholarly knowledge of the Great American classics...via Skype. If you are a Penn student with a high level of pretentiousness, perpetual desire to be around annoying people, and inexplainable amount of free time despite the fact that you, too, are currently pursuing academia, then this is the job for you. Oh, and just a reminder: your tutee is bilingual and tri-cultural, so don't forget to take a visit to Sao Paulo and brush up on your Mandarin a little bit before accepting this job offer — you want to avoid potential for an awkward power dynamic.

News  Published 02/25/15 5:57pm

5 Reasons To Be Excited For William Street Common

Note: This is NOT Commons' attempt at rebranding. This is a brand spankin’ new restaurant opening tomorrow on 39th and Chestnut. We know there’ve been a lot of new restaurants opening recently, so here’s five reasons why William Street Common is special:

  1. They offer maple-glazed snack bacon. YES that’s a real thing and YES we foresee ourselves post-mating it to VP in the future.
  2. Their $5 flat-rate drink menu means you can brag to your parents about how frugal you’ve been recently.
  3. The prix-fixe brunch comes with unlimited coffee and donuts. We’re already excited about all the Penn Police we’ll be seeing there.
  4. The vintage arcade means that you can recreate scenes from Princess Diaries while surrounded by Philadelphia hipsters.
  5. And lastly, they enforce a no-tipping policy which basically means you never have to do math again.

Read the Full Article

News  Published 02/25/15 4:19pm

Free pretzels outside HubBub-- Two really nice dudes from Philly Pretzel Factory are giving out free samples right now. By samples we mean big cups of warm, soft mini pretzels, not a measly pretzel bite (we see you Auntie Anne's). Get to 38th and Spruce before it's too late!

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