Satire  Published 15 minutes ago

History Major Unsure When World I Started, Steers Conversation Towards Attitudes Around Women's Sexuality and Agency in Rural Arkansas in 1954


Photo by Tulane Public Relations / CC BY 2.0

Cold calling is the worst. Deborah Tanner (C '19) was caught off guard earlier this semester when her professor, hoping to throw a history major a softball question, asked her what year World War I started in their seminar class. 

Tanner did what she knew best and bullshitted her way through the question as best she could. After muttering "meh something Franz Ferdinand," thus exhausting her knowledge left over from high school AP World History, she changed lanes into a topic she was truly comfortable discussing. 

Although Tanner didn't know when World War I started or ended or when the French Revolution happened or when the Declaration of Independence was written, she had written twenty pages on birth control access and women's sexuality in rural Arkansas in the year of 1954 for a research seminar. 

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Satire  Published 17 minutes ago

Report: Girl Sitting on Toilet in VP Basement for Past 12 Hours, Waiting for Everybody to Leave So She Can Take a Peaceful Shit


Photo by Jeff Barton / CC BY 2.0

Like many other students, Victoria Lyons (C ‘20) has a very religious finals week routine: she wakes up, buys six iced coffees, spends 17 hours at a desk in the Van Pelt library basement, and then passes out on the nearest couch, only to do the same exact thing the next day.

What this means, however, is that, thanks to the copious amounts of coffee and her utter refusal to feel the sunlight on her skin, she makes countless runs to the bathroom on the bottom floor of Van Pelt every day.

Lyons just has one problem: she gets poo-formance anxiety. No matter how badly her bowels yearn for sweet release, she is unable to defecate in the presence of other people. In fact, she’s been sitting on the toilet in the VP basement bathroom for 12 hours now, waiting for people to leave.

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Satire  Published 19 minutes ago

Boy Obsessed with Catcher in the Rye Thinks All His Friends Are Fake as Fuck


Photo by Elizabeth Beugg / The Daily Pennsylvanian 

Notable loner and College sophomore Harrison Shawfield was spotted last Monday smoking a cigarette outside Saxbys during a torrential downpour. “Have you ever noticed how fake people are?” Shawfield inquired after beckoning us over through the curtain of rain.

Shawfield hails from Westchester, New York, where he spends most of his time alone or with his family. “I had friends, but I decided they didn’t really understand me,” Shawfield explained. “It’s like, they never quite got why I would agree to hang out with them and then just loom silently in the corner while everyone else mingled. I couldn’t pretend—I saw right through their masks. I need something real for once.”

Shawfield was unimpressed by our attempts to learn more about him. “Why are we bothering with these formalities?” he snapped. “Nobody really talks anymore. I don’t want to hear about your day; I don’t want to know your major—tell me about your childhood trauma or let’s just end this now.”

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Satire  Published 23 minutes ago

Ego of the Week: The Mop at Rumor


Photo by Blleininger (edited by Lauren Sorantino) / CC0

The Ego of the Week this week is the Rumor nightclub mop. UTB sat down with the mop and heard all about the mop's role in the bustling Philadelphia clubbing scene, the mop's passions, and more!

Hometown: Cleaning supplies store

Major: Cleaning

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Satire  Published 16 hours ago

Honest Mistake: Robert Kurzban Thought His Class Roster Was a List of Cute Singles in the Area


Photo by Biruk Tibebe / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Robert Kurzban, the Penn psychology professor currently in the news for having romantic relationships with his students, has finally given an explanation for his actions.

The reason he pursued so many of his students romantically, he said, was because he thought his class roster was actually a list of cute singles in the area.

Suddenly, things make a lot more sense.

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Satire  Published 21 hours ago

​OP-ED: If We Had More Reading Days, Maybe More Penn Students Would Know How To Read


Photo by Grant / CC BY 2.0 

Penn has the fewest reading days in the Ivy League. It should come as no surprise, then, that Penn’s literacy rate is so low.

By adding as many as six reading days in their calendars, other universities demonstrate a sincere commitment to reading.

On the other hand, Penn has shown a symbolic disregard for reading, which might explain why the student literacy rate has plummeted to less than 60 percent.

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Satire  Published 21 hours ago

Meet the Degenerate Who Pre-gamed His Professor's Office Hours


Photo by StockSnap / CC0

Saturdays may be for the boys, but Fridays are for FNCE100 Professor Joe Harris’ office hours.

Neil Bergeron (W ’20) might have mixed these up just a few days ago.

“Anything goes for pre-games nowadays. Frat parties, downtowns, parades, UA meetings, you name it. So I thought, why not do it for office hours as well? There’s no way anyone else has tried that,” Bergeron explained.

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Satire  Published 21 hours ago

OP-ED: I'm a Member of One of the Mendicant Orders Founded in the Twelfth Century. Stop Appropriating My Name for Your Senior Society.


Photo from MaxPixel / CC0

I’m a friar.

No, not like you senior club presidents who use my name (as if you could come close to deserving it). A real friar.

To those who are confused, let me spell out the differences for you.

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Satire  Published 21 hours ago

Junior Boy Featured in 'My Strange Addiction' Ecstatic for Hey Day


Photo by The Daily Pennsylvanian

Michael Coyle (C ’19) is just like any other junior. He spent the fall sweet talking recruiters in Saxbys, the winter feeding his blossoming alcoholism in order to cope with the stress of school, and the spring enjoying the sunshine on College Green.

However, Coyle has a secret that makes him different.

Coyle pesters the mailman each and every day for packages, in hopes of finding one with his name on it. No, not because care packages from his mother are that revolutionary, but because he longs for just a nibble of a single packing peanut to get him through the day. Coyle religiously takes home his leftovers from restaurants. No, not because he has budget-friendly practices as a young adult, but because his midnight snack will be the to-go box.

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Satire  Published 21 hours ago

OP-ED: I Demand That The Class Board Provide a Boneless Hey Day Hat


Photo by the Daily Pennsylvanian

I think it’s high time that we resolve one of the few issues ruining an otherwise idyllic lead-up to Hey Day 2018. Class Board 2019 claims to be trying to unify the junior class under one big family, but their pathetic set of Hey Day hat options is telling a totally different story. I found it wildly inconsiderate that they didn’t even try to accommodate students’ dietary restrictions, but honestly, the lack of a boneless hat choice is the biggest slap in the face. All I want is a medium-rare hat, sans tibia, but it looks like this year I’m all out of luck.

In a desperate search for some answers, I sent the administration an email voicing my complaints and demanding that something be done to fix the gross negligence being put on display, but I was simply told, “Understandable, have a nice day.” It’s honestly heartbreaking that the University can claim to be invested in student wellness while at the same time doing absolutely nothing to handle one of the most serious issues on campus.

I want to be able to rest assured that when I take that first big juicy bite of Styrofoam that’ll probably end up in a trash vortex in the Pacific Ocean by the time I graduate, I won’t choke on a big old hat bone. But thanks to Penn, I might as well be leaving my life up to a coin toss.

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