News  Published 57 minutes ago

Recap: Madeon Massacre

Hey, so remember that crazy Halloween event for charity last night? The one that blew up your newsfeeds for weeks and cost you $30+? Yeah, so like it happened, and people were not happy. Urine, injuries, lines--it all went down. See our recap from the event's Facebook comments below...

The Guy Who Never Made It In

The Guy Who Wished He Never Made It In

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 Published 1 hour ago

$3 Chipotle starting at 5pm Today!-- Everyone's favorite sort of Mexican restaurant is offering $3 boo-ritos, boo-rito bowls, spooky salads and terrifying tacos for anyone wearing a costume after 5pm. Get on it-- the only thing scarier than Halloween is gonna be the long-ass line.

Features  Published 3 hours ago

Locust Flaikus

Happy Halloween to all you provocative animals, doctors, fruits,  buildings, and the like! It's not even 3 p.m., but nevertheless we hope you're already drinking and getting ready, because this weekend is what we've waited all month for. Why not ponder over some flowery poetry while practicing your sexy meow? Nothing says hot and dangerous like haikus!

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Features  Published 5 hours ago

The 6 SpOoOoOkiest Things About Homecoming

Although Hallo-Homecoming is far less scary than Hallo-Parents Weekend, we just have this eerie feeling we can't shake. It might be the fifth girl dressed as a black cat that crossed our path, but it also might be these:

1) Realizing that the alumni complaining about their jobs and taxes and longingly reminiscing about Natty will be you in 1/2/3/4 years. 

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News  Published 7 hours ago

Jon Huntsman (A Confirmed Adult) Hits Up Smoke's

In an amazing turn of events, Jon Huntsman was at Smoke's last night! As much as we love that bar post-midnight, it's hard to say for sure what drew this handsome 54 year-old politician/diplomat/businessman to the old Smokey Joe's Cafe in the wee hours of a Friday morning. Could it have been the opportunity to party with a bunch of drunk Penn kids post-Madeon? Was he craving a $5 shot of Fireball? Was it the Halloween spirit of frightfully good times that drove him to do something genuinely absurd with his wife in tow? (She's not pictured, but reports show that both Huntsmans were there). Really the only thing that could have made this better would have been if he'd arrived in costume, but perhaps he's merely saving his energy for the Gutmann event of the Halloween season later this afternoon. Oh JMH, you keep doing you and killing it nightly – we hope to see you out later this evening! 

News  Published 10/30/14 3:25pm

It's A Bird! It's A Plane! It's A Porta Potty!

Spotted soaring high above campus around 39th and Chestnut: a beacon of hope for our midterm-worn souls. This porta potty proves that the American dream is real, people. Anyone – nay, anything – can do whatever they set their mind to. If a construction worker can lay bricks at such a high altitude, you can ace/tackle/fix/outdrink/survive the next big thing in your life. If a porta potty can fly, you can do literally anything. Go out there and get done what needs to get done. Seize the day. Crape diem!

Chasing Amy  Published 10/30/14 2:56pm

Chasing Amy: Even UPS Does It!

A mysterious package was delivered to Madame President's (sometimes) home Tuesday. Just kidding, it wasn't. The ever-elusive A-Gut wasn't there to sign for it, so just like us, the delivery guy left a note! Hopefully she can be chased down from 10:30 to 2 to retrieve whatever she ordered. Will it be an at-home airbrushing kit? A custom set of high-fashion pantsuits? A Halloween costume? The world may never know.

 Published 10/30/14 12:45pm

STREET Presents: Hurrah for the Red, White & Blue

Trick or Street, Penn. Street was honored to meet some of our bravest classmates, the 17 members of Penn's NROTC program.

And we can't stop listening to 1989. Plus Philly is full of ghosts, and we made a guide to its haunted parts. Where is Philly's best candy? Old City or you can make some. Homecoming is here and we sort of wish we went to a football school (but we've seen them on TV). Is Mercury still in retrograde? Only one way to find out...

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Features  Published 10/30/14 11:54am

Costume Guide: How To Dress Like Your Favorite Penn Haunts

What to wear for Halloween? You can't bear to dress up as a sexy cat again, and sexy nurse is too damn pre-professional. Fear, not! Using campus as inspiration, UTB presents you with its Fall 2014 Costumer Guide:

Penn-related Place/Person/Thing: The Rave

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Features  Published 10/29/14 7:54pm

PennPorn Fall 2014: THE WINNERS

Timehop informs us that three years ago today, it snowed on campus. It was Family Weekend; current seniors were freshmen. In 2014, however, it's very much still autumn, which means 'tis the season for PennPorn. As always, we asked you to email us your seXXXy campus pics or use #PennPorn on Instagram, and you certainly delivered. Presenting the winners...

Shira Papir:

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