Satire  Published 6 hours ago

Trump-mann Tweet of the Day


Photo: David Akst / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Satire  Published 7 hours ago

Penn Fraternity Sending Pledges to Mount Everest for Scavenger Hunt


Photo: Wang Lama Humla / Wikimedia Commons

Pledging season is in full swing and, as usual, fraternities are going out of their way to welcome their new classes, sparing no expense to antagonize hopeful freshmen.

While some fraternities send pledges on scavenger hunts to Center City or on overnight trips to other states, Penn fraternity Omega Alpha Theta Mu Epsilon Alpha Lambda (commonly referred to as Oatmeal), is planning to send its incoming pledge class to the highest point above sea level in the world!

This decision comes as a result of the ongoing feuds between the various fraternities on campus, all trying to top one another. A spokesman from Oatmeal said, “Plenty of frats are sending their pledges to events in places around Philadelphia, New Jersey, or neighboring states. But we’re better than all of our lame competition. We’re sending our pledges to somewhere they can really have the time of their lives, somewhere they wouldn't see otherwise.”

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Features  Published 9 hours ago

Does Penn Hate America?


Photo: Becky Molinoff / National Parks Conservation Association (edited)

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you may have noticed that there were/are a lot of visitors at Penn this weekend. No, it’s not just Global Warming enthusiasts who came to enjoy the warm weather - it’s because most schools in America have today, and for some even tomorrow off of school. That’s because today is President’s Day. But why doesn’t Penn have off?

UTB writers are not ones to lay low and let such injustice fly, so we did a little research and came up with a few possibilities.

Option 1: President’s Day is celebrated a little differently in each state. Some use it to commemorate the life of George Washington, whose birthday is on February 22nd. Some states include Abraham Lincoln in the celebration, as his birthday is on February 12th, while others prefer to celebrate all of our nation’s presidents. But the one consistent trend on President’s Day is that no one commemorates President Amy Gutmann. Consequently, out of rage and despair, Amy cancelled the cancellation of Penn’s classes.

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Satire  Published 11 hours ago

Amy Gutmann Spends President's Day in Philadelphia, Is Wowed by City's History


Photo: Carson Kahoe / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Celebrating her University title as well as the founding fathers, Amy Gutmann decided to make the rare trek from her off-campus home to Philadelphia for President’s Day. Unsurprisingly, students ranging from first-years to seniors were charmed and excited to see their ever-elusive leader, many for the first time since their freshman convocation ceremonies.

But Gutmann was in town for more than just the students. “I wanted to spend this very special holiday in Philadelphia, my place of work, because I feel it is my duty to my fellow presidents who paved the way for me,” remarked Gutmann, gazing at the historical architecture in awe. “And honestly, I’m quite impressed by all this city has to offer in the way of American history!”

When asked to expand on this point, Gutmann offered: “I just didn’t know there was so much going on here back when America was just starting out. I knew Boston had the Tea Party going for it, but it seems like Philly has been home to a few exciting historical events, too. There are so many plaques in this city!" Carefully yet confidently traversing the 300-year-old cobblestones in her kitten heels, she added “I mean, Pennsylvania was one of the original thirteen colonies—that’s a 7.69% acceptance rate. Really extraordinary.” 

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Satire  Published 02/18/17 1:27pm

Joe Biden Attempts to Make PennKey, Finds "biden" Already Taken


Photo: Susanna Jaramillo / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Serving as vice president of the United States is tough. But selecting a viable PennKey is far harder. Shortly after facing rejection from eight Wharton clubs, former Vice President Joe Biden recently ran into another roadblock in his transition to Penn: the PennKey "biden" was already taken.

"I just got all these weird options," said a bemused Biden. "I had to pick from terrible stuff like bijo and josbi. And that's not even the stuff including my middle name, like jorobi, robibi, and brob." Biden's middle name is Robinette.

Although several of his family members have attended Penn, Biden had specifically told them to save the biden PennKey for him, citing a general dibs on all things Biden. "When my granddaughter started at Penn, she wanted hers to be 'biden,'" Biden told us. "But I said no. I called that PennKey since before she was born. I’m the OG Biden."

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News  Published 02/17/17 4:00pm

Group Of Junior Girls Celebrate A 21st Birthday


/ Pinterest

This past Sunday night, Christina Preston (C'18) received a group text from her friends to meet at 41st and Pine at 11:30 PM. They were to celebrate Junior Katie Reilley's 21st birthday. Plans for the night included Smirnoff "Icing" Reilley at her house after taking a couple hundred photos of Reilley posing with 66 inch long gold balloons in the shape of the numbers 2 and 1. 

"The balloons were a bit challenging. Katie has extremely poor eyesight and a bad memory, which is why we needed the 66 inch sized balloons. That way she could constantly be reminded what age she was turning throughout the night," Preston explained. The sheer size of the balloons caused some problems, though. We blew them up outside of Katie's house, so we couldn't actually transport them anywhere. Instead, we took pictures of Katie with the balloons outside, so there were several West Philadelphia residents photobombing all of the pictures." 

One of the girls in the group, who wished to remain anonymous, remarked that Reilley "tried to crop the photo-bombers out of the photos, but actually cut out the number 2 in the photos." Worried that her social media followers would think that she only turned age 1, Reilley decided not to Instagram any of the pictures. "You didn't hear it from me, but I think the real reason she didn't want to gram the photos is because the static from the balloons messed with her blow out. It really put a damper on the night," said the anonymous source.

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 Published 02/17/17 3:00pm

UTB Reviews: Two-Hour Intro To Beekeeping Workshop 2017


/ Philadelphia Beekeepers Guild

**note: Although the event has yet to take place, we weren’t planning on going anyways, so this premature review should suffice.

The latest in UTB reviews sent us to the Francis Cope House for a Two-Hour Intro to Beekeeping Workshop, hosted by the Philadelphia Beekeepers Guild. Before heading to the event, we did some research to be a little more prepared on what to expect: Though the Philadelphia Beekeepers Guild has but one written review on Facebook, it’s a rave: the reviewer denoted it as the “Best Bee Club in Philadelphia! Really. It is.” Immediately, we were convinced. We packed up our protective gear and headed out.

Upon arriving at the event, we were greeted by the President of the Guild, who introduced himself as Don Shump. UTB collapsed into a fit of giggles at this classic parody of Donald Trump’s name, followed shortly thereafter by 45 seconds of awkward silence as we realized that was his real name. We quickly apologized and shook his hand, which was rather wet, probably because he washed his hands recently.

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Satire  Published 02/17/17 2:15pm

Trump-mann Tweet Of The Day


Photo: Meredith Mitchell / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Satire  Published 02/17/17 1:21pm

Help! My Boyfriend Took One Andrew Lamas Class And Now He's A Communist


/ Public Domain

Everyone listen. I have a serious problem. My boyfriend took one Urban Studies course with celebrated professor Andrew Lamas, and now he's a communist. It was like, one week into "Liberation and Ownership" and the phrases "ethical consumers" and "down with the bourgeoisie" suddenly became wildly frequent elements of his vocabulary. I mean it's fine, but now every time someone says "capitalism" or "free market" in a sentence at dinner he just yells into his hands really loudly and gets a rash. And it's only getting worse. I was in his room the other day, and I saw a marked-up copy of "The Poverty of Philosophy" lying face down on his bed, and he's purging all his old clothing and only wearing red now. He always refers to the New York Times or CNN as "the media conglomerates" and only reads from sites like "US Uncut" and "The Other 98%". Last weekend I proposed we take a weekend trip together and stay at a nice hotel in the Poconos, but he got really upset and yelled at me, saying I was just one cog in the machine, and suggested we go to a campground instead and pitch a tent out of old bedsheets. It's crazy.

I don't know what to do. If this all ends badly, I'm blaming the Sociology department. All I want is to talk about the advantages of Uber vs Lyft without being scolded. Alas. A girl can only dream.

Satire  Published 02/17/17 12:39pm

Governor Tom Wolf Hates Horse Masturbation (Or Does It Himself)


Photo: Seth Fein / Animal Planet, Twitter @AngryTomWolf

Times are tough at the School of Veterinary Medicine. In his new budget proposal, Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Wolf proposed a $30 million cut in state funding to the Vet School, infamous for its regular collection of semen from stallions for reproductive and research purposes. Even though Penn is a private university, certain higher-education programs in Pennsylvania, like the Vet School, receive funding from the Commonwealth. (Ed. note: The Vet School does other things besides masturbate horses. But, because those things are not masturbating horses they are unimportant.)

We ask Gov. Wolf: why do you hate horses and the collection of their reproductive fluids? Do you have a conflict of interest, such as your own semen collection facility? Where is this facility located? Do you masturbate the horses yourself, or pay others to do it? And is that really a good use of taxpayers' money?

Many say that the Vet School reinvented the wheel when they applied their artificial vagina weight (AVW) to the penis of a stallion in order to harvest semen. If that wasn’t enough, the school itself is an A-list celebrity. After all it was the subject of a highly successful Animal Planet series. We reached out to our friend Max, a recent Vet School graduate and star on the show, for a comment but he was too busy masturbating a horse to respond. Sources close to the dedicated horse semen collector say he’s devastated.

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