Published 13 hours ago

VIDEO: Bad OCR Interviews

If you know anyone looking for an internship, this position is probably still open.

To watch last week's video, click here!

Satire  Published 17 hours ago

Guest Columnist | I'm Bored of Ranting to My Facebook Friends, So I'll Do It Here Instead


Photo by Seyoung Kim

Hi. It's me.

Some of you might know me from my witty, insightful Facebook posts on current events. I explore a huge range of topics, from political culture to policy to politics. I have expertise in some of these subjects, but not most. Still, I manage to have a strong opinion on all of them. My preferred style of writing is the 5-paragraph essay (à la middle school), but I have been known to mix it up with a single-sentence paragraph on occasion. Edgy, right?

You may be wondering why I'm writing here, if I enjoy writing Facebook posts so much. Simply put, I'm suffering from low engagement on my posts (through no fault of my own, of course). There are only so many times you can post inflammatory political arguments on social media before people just stop responding.

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Satire  Published 17 hours ago

Selfless Student Fails Random Classes’ Midterms to Improve their Curves


Photo from: Pixabay / CC0

It’s hard to find real heroes in today’s world. While the rest of us can barely spare the time to help out a fellow Quaker, James Kaplan (W ’19) is out there fighting the good fight.

“It’s midterm season; everyone’s stressed,” the modern day Gandhi related to us. “I just wanted to help out.”

Kaplan goes above and beyond the call of academic duty by finding out which classes are having midterms on any given day, and purposely taking and failing every single one of these tests. By selflessly lowering midterm averages across campus, Kaplan hopes to improve the curve for everyone.

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Satire  Published 17 hours ago

Kid Beats the System; Drinks Alone in His Room


Public Domain, edited

It’s been tough-going for the party scene at Penn recently. Due to the newly energized and well-funded task force dedicated to “preventing sexual assault,” our reputation as Playboy’s 2014 Top Party School has been getting tarnished all over the place. Not only are super hip, cool gaming sessions being shut down by the Penn Police, but less exciting frat parties are also being regulated and shut down left and right! Even Halloweekend is in danger of ruin due to the administration’s scheduling of October 31st on a Tuesday. The brightest thinkers at this great university have been struggling to find a way around these new constraints.

Enter Paul Deacon (N ‘19) — the hero we didn’t know we needed, and don’t really need, but kind of want. Deacon had an idea last Friday after taking a midterm. He was feeling really burnt-out and wanted to let loose for the night, but he realized that any parties he went to were bound to get shut down or would require an ID to drink. “After that it just came to me,” Deacon told us. “The way to beat the system is to drink alone in my room!”

His solution is simple, clear, and can fit on a t-shirt. We’re 100% on board.

Satire  Published 17 hours ago

Frat Bartender Busted for Serving Freshmen Dirt-Cheap Rum When They Asked for Dirt-Cheap Vodka


Photo by George Hodan / Public Domain; Wjdpr / CC BY-ASA-3.0; Miika Silfverberg / CC BY-SA-2.0 (with edits)

Just when you thought it was safe to party again.

Last weekend, Penn Police arrested sophomore Brandon Wilson on charges of serving dirt-cheap rum to minors when they asked for a different variety of dirt-cheap alcohol instead.

“We are committed to keeping students safe,” commented the arresting officer. “When they request one poorly-mixed drink and receive a slightly different poorly-mixed drink, their security is at risk.”

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Satire  Published 17 hours ago

Roommate Too Busy to Wash Dishes but Still Has Time to Fuck That Guy 2.5 Times a Day


Photo from: MaxPixel / CC0

According to her roommate, Taylor Otto (C '20), Rachel Greenfield (E '20) is seriously the worst. Taylor had totally thought they were going to be best friends after spending 80 minutes together during NSO, but boy was she wrong. Rachel doesn't really take out the trash that often. Taylor is pretty sure that Rachel hasn't filled up the Brita filter once this semester. Some weekends Rachel does this thing where she comes home drunk and pukes in the sink, even though the toilet is right there! Worst of all? Rachel never does her dishes.

Whenever Taylor sends Rach a not-too-passive-aggressive-sounding text asking why dishes have been in the sink for 13 days, Rachel always explains how busy she is: "I'm so sorry, I'll get around to it as soon as I have any free time!"

Rachel explained why she never even has 10 minutes, which is pretty reasonable, to do her dishes. "Honestly, I'm always running late to some class or important meeting right after I eat, so I never have time to wash my dishes!" said Rachel, who always makes time for multiple rounds of sexual intercourse with this one guy she's been seeing (and it's loud, too).

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Satire  Published 17 hours ago

Senior Discovers UTB Is Actually Satire


Photo by Concord90 on Pixabay / CC0

Alisa Masterman (C ‘18) learned about the importance of credible sources in her freshman writing seminar class three years ago. Unfortunately, she didn’t know how to put it into practice until more recently.

The communications major recently found out that UTB is, indeed, satire. Penn hasn’t gentrified the moon yet, and we don’t actually know where Australia is or if anyone from Australia even goes here.

“She would write really long and angry Facebook posts about ridiculous things,” her friends told an UTB reporter. “I remember one time there was an Under the Button article about Ben Franklin inventing weed. She wrote five paragraphs about ‘the blatant erasure of non-Western historical narratives.’ We always assumed she was joking, but after three years, we weren’t really sure.”

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Satire  Published 17 hours ago

Study: Students Can Triple Their Amount of Sleep by Sleeping Instead of Complaining About Lack of Sleep


Photo by MC Quinn / CC BY 2.0

A recent study conducted by Penn’s Psychology Department has revealed some major news for the undergraduate population! The average student, according to head researcher Ana Mikovitz, “sleeps for just 3 hours a night and whines for 6 hours a day about how tired they are.”

After a long and careful collaboration with Penn’s Math Department, researchers were able to deduce that students could actually triple their total sleeping hours, from three to nine, by using this technique. This revelation could be monumental: scientists currently believe that there is a direct link between the amount of sleep one gets and how rested one feels. By employing the findings of this study and sleeping more, it is likely that one will feel less tired. Wow!

Satire  Published 10/16/17 3:08am

Ouch: This Freshman Stepped on the Compass and Then a Grand Piano Fell on Him


Photo by David Maiolo / CC A-SA 3.0

At this point, most freshmen have taken their first midterm. Not Benji Zucker, College freshman from Tallahassee, FL. Zucker, whose class schedule is far easier than most of his classmates, has blithely floated through college life by turning in the occasional reading response and pretending to do his reading. Then, he stepped on the Compass.

There is a common superstition that a freshman who has not yet taken their first midterm will fail it if they step on the Compass, at the intersection of 37th and Locust Streets. Many have decried the urban legend as an invention by male upperclassmen to help them spot freshman girls. Whether you believe the myth or not, it'll be hard to believe what happened to Zucker next.

According to eyewitnesses, Zucker was crushed by an 1,100 pound Steinway & Sons grand piano just half a second after his foot touched the center of the Compass. Passersby were stunned by the earth-shaking impact of the piano, and baffled by its origin.

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Satire  Published 10/15/17 11:43pm

5 Fun On-Campus Activities to Help You Forget the Uncertainty and Despair Enveloping You


Photo by InSapphoWeTrust / CC BY-SA 2.0

Ah, fall. While the chillier temperatures and the sight of leaves changing color are certainly welcome, autumn is a bittersweet time for many Quakers. Many might find themselves feeling burnt out after an endless barrage of midterms. Many are dogged by the ruthless, all-consuming job search. Most have found themselves weeping gentle, resigned tears in a Van Pelt bathroom or two. And all have most likely asked themselves, pondering the ever-changing seasons and their helpless entrapment in the cyclical, incessant whirlpool of time: what am I doing here?

Here at Under the Button, we say "idk." But you're pretty deep in now, pal, and there's no time for you to start "soul-searching" or "looking for meaning." So we've compiled a list of five fun things to do to forget about the undeniable truth that no matter how hard you work or what internships you acquire, we are all simply victims of circumstance, hurtling deeper and deeper into the void.

1. Take a stroll down the entire length of Locust Walk. Look straight ahead and not at Huntsman Hall on the left. Isn't it beautiful? Life is beautiful. It's almost as if you didn't fail MGMT 001 last year. You're not ashamed, you whisper to yourself. You're not ashamed.

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