Satire  Published 20 hours ago

Watch Out! Professor Is Unaware of Upcoming Autoplay Video


Photo by Seth Fein / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Cool, your professor just treated the class to a YouTube video that pointlessly repeated the lecture material. But now he has no idea that in five seconds, a new video will play automatically. Watch out!

He’s already minimized the YouTube window and returned to his slides, completely and blissfully ignorant of the impending disruption. In just a few seconds, a loud narration from a tangentially-related video will echo through the classroom. Your professor will scramble, confused, while the class squirms with discomfort.

Some of your classmates mumble to their neighbors. Many have taken notice of the imminent chaos, yet no one steps up to warn the professor. They have accepted their fate, and would rather experience the temporary disarray than raise their voice in class.

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Satire  Published 20 hours ago

OP-ED: Yeah, We Can Be Exclusive, but Only Because I Haven't Figure out Housing This Summer


Photo by greekfood-tamystika / CC0

Fine, I’ll date you. I mean, you don’t have the dreamiest eyes, or the broadest shoulders, or the most defined cheekbones. You probably haven’t hit the gym in the past few weeks (or years), and you smell like cheesesteaks and clam chowder. I don’t particularly like your beat-up running shoes, or your rimless glasses, or that stupid porkpie hat you wear all the time. Your music taste sucks, you pronounce jalapeño with a hard "J," and your sense of humor is absolutely horrid.

But you have something I don’t. You’ve figured out housing this summer. And that makes you attractive. Dating you will give me a place to stay for the next few months, and that makes it worthwhile. I can ignore everything about you that pisses me off if that means I can have a roof over my head.

So sure, I’ll date you for two months. But when school starts again, I’m living in Rodin, which is a little far from where you’re staying. I really hope things work out, but I can’t promise they will. Please don’t be disappointed. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you anymore, I just need some space. Okay? Cool. What’s your address again? The movers are coming this afternoon.

Satire  Published 20 hours ago

OP-ED: My Nipple Froze and Fell off During a Night Out. If Anyone Has Seen It, Please Let Me Know


Photo by Kat Smith / CC0

Last Friday night I drank a little too much, one thing led to another, and I woke up the next morning missing my left nipple. Yeah, the one over my heart. I’m pretty devastated, as you can imagine.

It was really, really cold, but I had grain alcohol, so I thought I would be able to cope with the plunging neckline I was wearing. Well, the grain alcohol obviously made me too numb—my left breast fell out of my shirt, my nipple fell off, and it’s been missing for nearly a week. I don’t know what to do.

There go all of my future dreams of starring in an erotic, yet tasteful, web series. Being painted nude by eager art students in Paris. I wanted to get both of my nipples pierced! What if I have twins, and I have to pick which one of them to breastfeed while I watch the other one die in my arms? Everything is lost.

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Satire  Published 20 hours ago

I Spent 24 Hours in Fisher Fine Arts. Here's What Happened.


Photo by Smallbones / CCO 1.0

Hours 1-3: Wow! I noticed it's pretty quiet in here. I also noticed that a lot of people around me have Warby Parker glasses and messenger bags. Other than the one guy who doesn't realize his music is so loud it's bleeding from his headphones, there isn't much activity yet.

Hours 4-6: It's still remarkably quiet in here. Even more people with Warby Parker glasses and messenger bags have entered. There must be a dress code I don't know about.

Hours 7-9: Finally, some action! A lady just ate a granola bar—which is illegal—at her table. The security guard didn't notice, but I did.

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Satire  Published 20 hours ago

BREAKING: Daniel Weisman Will Be in Israel This Summer


Photo by Dennis Jarvis / CC BY-SA 2.0

BREAKING—as of Thursday afternoon, Daniel Weisman (C ‘21) committed to going to Israel this summer.

This bold move comes one year after his gap year in the holy land. Weisman plans to spend this summer taking advantage of all that Israel has to offer, including “a drinking age of 18,” “falafel,” and “Tel-Aviv.”

Weisman noted that after the meaningful experience of his gap year, he had to go back. “I gained so much from my journey last year,” Weisman said, including friends from UDelaware and friends from UMich. Weisman noted that he also gained friends from Northwestern. “It was a really immersive experience. I also learned some Hebrew. Listen—sababa. I’m basically Israeli!”

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Satire  Published 03/19/18 1:16pm

Student in Post-Colonial Literature Class Excited to Share About Spring Break in the Caribbean


Photo from Pxhere / CC0 

Amanda Ashberry (C ‘19) just returned from a fabulous spring break hopping across islands in the Caribbean. She went to the Virgin Islands, Trinidad and Tobago, then finished up the week exploring Cuba. “It was just, like, such a culturally rich experience,” she told us over Skype, holding a margarita the size of her head while she lounged on the beach. She said she was especially excited to talk to her post-colonial literature class about her memories from the trip. 

Other people complain about studying over break, but Amanda got the best of both worlds. She told us that “I actually didn’t do the reading assigned over break. It was about life in Cuba, but I prefer a more hands-on approach.” Instead of reading Pedro Juan Gutierrez’s Dirty Havana Trilogy, Ashberry went bar-hopping, tanning, and asked dozens of locals to take pictures of herself and her friends in bikinis. Wow! She really got the full experience.

We asked Ashberry how taking post-colonial lit helped her gain a new understanding of the places she visited. Her response was extremely insightful.

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Satire  Published 03/19/18 1:05pm

OP-ED: Hey Dude, Please Like This Article and Tag Your Friends in the Comments


Photo from Enoc vt / Public Domain

Hi reader, this article is totally NOT clickbait. As a publication dedicated to genuine journalism, we stand strongly against the type of titles that Buzzfeed and 16-year-old Youtubers use for their content. We don’t need to do that to get page views. We know you’re loyal and care.

You probably care so much about this article, in fact, that you’re willing to tag your friends in the comments so that they can care about this, too. If you’re feeling a bit ballsy, you might even share this article so that your grandpa and aunt and racist dude from your high school can see it.

And, of course, we’re always family-friendly here. You won’t find a single mention of masturbating, the word “fuck,” or sex. And I’m not just throwing in random links here so that you’ll click on more of our articles to bump our page views. That’s pretty scummy for a serious publication, and I’d never do that. But please click on those links; it bumps up our page views which really helps us out.

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Satire  Published 03/19/18 1:02pm

​Finally: Pet Funerals No Longer Have to be Registered


Photo by Pixabay / CC0

Kyle O’Loughlin (E '18) lost his pet ferret, Laszlo, in October. Seeking to honor the life and memory of his four-footed friend, he held a traditional Irish wake at his off-campus house.

Kyle’s friends and family gathered to observe Laszlo in repose. The mourners kissed the body, shared stories, and drank whiskey.

According to Kyle, it was a beautiful, moving ceremony. Until Penn Police arrived to shut it down. Kyle had not registered Laslo’s funeral with the Office of Alcohol and Other Drugs in accordance with Penn’s event policies.

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Satire  Published 03/19/18 1:00pm

Feminist Win! This Woman Only Lets Gay Men Grind on Her at Frat Parties


Photo by Gromovataya / CC0

Many young women at Penn have come to learn that they will sometimes get unsolicited advances at frat parties. No matter how many workshops are held for members of Greek life to learn about consent and sexual harassment, these incidents keep happening. As a result, sophomore Katie Johnson has decided to take a stand all on her own.

Men are pigs! They just see me as an object. Not like my gay friends—they see me as a person,” Johnson complained as the friend dancing behind her smacked her ass.

“Honestly, it’s not just a protest; it’s a life hack,” Johnson continued. “How can anyone else force themselves onto me if I’m dancing with someone else?”

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Satire  Published 03/19/18 12:52pm

Local Hero: This TA Just Gives out the Answer During Office Hours


Photo by Ziko / CC BY-SA 3.0

An exclusive source has revealed that GEOL 100 TA Kaitlin Jacobs (C ’18) took the class three years ago and doesn’t remember any of the material, but she does have the answer key, so people can check their answers if they want. The source also reported that Jacobs often angled her laptop screen towards the students, allowing them to look over her shoulder as she searched through the answers. 

Ever since word of this initiative spread, office hour attendance has dramatically increased. While they used to be limited to those two freshmen who started the problem set as soon as it was assigned and the one sophomore who doesn’t understand how they got a D on the first midterm, recent office hours have exploded. Reportedly, almost half the class shows up to ask, “how do I even approach this problem, you know?” The other half the class just waits to get the answers from their friends who went to office hours, inspiring a new sense of camaraderie within classmates. 

UTB caught up with a student currently enrolled in GEOL 100, Martin Lynch (C ’20), who shared with us how nice it is to finally have a TA who gives a shit about his education. Lynch immediately dismissed questions of whether it might actually be hurting his education to just copy the answers from the TA. Said Lynch, “My CIS 110 TA wrote most of my code during office hours, and look at me now. I have Java on my resume.

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