Features  Published 57 minutes ago

Things to Say About the Oscars to Make it Look Like You're Cultured


Photo: Davidlohr Bueso / Flickr

Much like everyone else this year, you've only seen one of the nine Best Picture nominees, and it was probably La La Land. As the Academy Awards unfold, here are some things that you can say very loudly so that the people around you think that you know literally something about film.

  1. I thought La La Land was good, but not great. I'm sure it'll win anyway.
  2. I LOVED Moonlight! It was truly moving, dynamic, and so necessary.
  3. Manchester by the Sea made me cry. These days, I'm thinking that Casey might be the better Affleck.
  4. Yes, I read about the sexual harassment accusations made regarding Casey Affleck. I actually meant to say "the worse Affleck."
  5. As a white Northeastern liberal, I was worried about Trump, but I'm so glad that the Oscars are much more inclusive this year. I think we're moving forward as a nation.
  6. Damien Chazelle is a visionary. I loved Whiplash, there was so much jazz! And to follow up with La La Land is incredible! Also so much jazz! I listen to jazz!
  7. Hacksaw Ridge was incredible. So incredible that, for a moment, I forgot that it was directed by a racist, sexist, homophobic anti-semite! 
  8. Viola Davis was fantastic in Fences! She won the Tony for the same role she's nominated for tonight! I knew that without doing frantic research three minutes ago!
  9. (Without reading from your computer) I love how La La Land pays tribute to the great musical films of the 1930s like those by Busby Berkeley and Fred Astaire!
  10. It's great that Ryan Gosling is becoming such a multi-talented artist! What a great singer! Talk about a triple threat.
  11. Casey Affleck's beard doesn't bother me at all. I am completely comfortable with it. It is not the worst thing to walk the red carpet since Mel Gibson (and his beard).

Features  Published 02/25/17 1:23pm

Penn's 20 Under 20


Photo: Francisco Lupini Basagoiti / Wikimedia Commons (edited)

Forbes' ”30 Under 30” list is great for twenty-somethings, but the chances of having a multi-billion-dollar company or developing an artificial technology to teach writing at 19 are slim to none. Accepting this, we figured that a smaller list of people under 20 would be worthwhile, using different criteria to select those on the list. We're acknowledging 20 Penn students younger than 20 years old who have done great things and deserve recognition.

Emily Sasnick, 18: Didn’t repeat a single outfit for a week.

Derrick Price, 19: Left Van Pelt early enough to catch the sunset.

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Satire  Published 02/24/17 4:22pm

Junior Returns to Soul-Draining Internship From Previous Summer


Photo: Oriez / Wikimedia Commons

Last year, Samuel Chen (W'18) was one of the lucky rising juniors to score a summer analyst internship at Goldman Sachs. Despite having a completely unfulfilling experience at his internship, he plans to return to Goldman this summer and, indeed, to work at the firm after graduation.

Chen described his work at Goldman as tedious and uninteresting. "Most of my responsibilities were fixing Excel spreadsheets and making presentations," he lamented. He regaled us with tales of late nights doing meaningless work, a frustrating boss, and a growing inability to speak to anyone who makes less than six figures a year.

"Even though I learned nothing worthwhile and hated it, I'm really excited to be going back this summer!" Chen insisted, flashing us his bright, LinkedIn profile picture-worthy smile. It took him several minutes of deep thought, but he was eventually able to cite some perks of the internship: networking, building his resume, and most importantly, taking photos in NYC to create a fire Instagram feed.

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Features  Published 02/24/17 3:23pm

Penn Glee Club Has Been Formally PUT ON NOTICE


/ Penn News

Glee, you thought that we wouldn't respond?

In the art for an article on Penn News regarding their singing telegrams, Penn Glee members chose to stand in The Button, an action that we at Under the Button dot com find to be impermissible.

Contrary to popular belief, our organization's name doesn't stem from some crude, public sex act. Our offices are literally located underneath the Button statue, and these musical morons were intruding in an extremely rude fashion. We've got like 20 people trying to work under there and a bunch of random dudes standing in the middle of our office is not conducive to fostering a healthy work environment, no matter how well you sing. 

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Satire  Published 02/24/17 2:45pm

Trump-mann Tweet of the Day


Photo: Meredith Mitchell / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Satire  Published 02/24/17 1:16pm

University To Allow Families Of Mice To Take Part In Housing Selection For 2017-2018


/ Wikimedia Commons

In an effort to boost inclusivity and general campus welfare, Penn Residential Services has decided to allow families of mice to participate in the on-campus housing selection process for 2017-2018. The decision came after some rodent families expressed dissatisfaction with the lack of options offered by the University, in terms of both physical space and roommates.

“The mice claimed that their interests were being overlooked, leaving them with undesirable locations and rude, misbehaved, or generally offensive roommates,” said Residential Services spokesperson Stuart Peromyscus. “They’re being relegated to walls and beneath furniture, like small pests. Some freshmen have requested that we exterminate their roommates. Disgusting! What happened to communication?”

Many students live with rodent families - a decision they themselves did not make. Common complaints include mice stealing food, making noise at night, and never taking out the trash. However, Residential Services is looking to facilitate the room selection process in a manner they claim will increase the comfort of both mouse and human parties. “People like mice,” Peromyscus says. “They’re cute.”

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Features  Published 02/23/17 6:02pm

Fill Out Our Survey About the Penn Administration, Media, and Campus Climate


Photo: Public Domain / Pixabay

This survey will help us make UTB, and Penn, better for everybody. It could, perhaps, be compared to Trump's Mainstream Media Accountability Survey. Please scroll down through the questions, and answer as accurately as possible. 

Satire  Published 02/23/17 4:32pm

Trump-mann Tweet of the Day


Photo: Amanda Nart / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Satire  Published 02/23/17 1:59pm

Donald Trump's Junior Year Transcript


Photo: Gage Skidmore / Flickr

Here it is, everyone. We finally got our hands on a section of President Trump's transcript, and the contents are sure to make some waves. Check out his junior year transcript in two parts below, and we'll try to find his senior year transcript as soon as we can.

For more Trump-related content, click here. Or click here. You can even click here.

Features  Published 02/23/17 10:46am

How to Get Kicked Out of Class Now That the Drop Period Is Over


Photo: File Photo / The Daily Pennsylvanian

In case you didn't hear, the drop period ended last Friday. That means that you or one of your loved ones are stuck with the crappy fifth class you planned to drop, or the pointless-but-demanding elective you regret signing up for. But are you really stuck? Think outside the box.

While your situation may seem hopeless, there is one one very simple way to get out of any class: getting kicked out. Here are seven foolproof ways to ensure that you will be asked to drop the class.

1. Sit in the very front of the room but, instead of paying attention to the professor, take out your favorite newspaper and start reading, completely obscuring your face and blocking the view of those behind you.

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