Satire  Published 52 minutes ago

Anheuser-Busch Announces Plans to Introduce "Natty IPA" to College Markets


Photo: David Akst / The Daily Pennsylvanian

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then, Anheuser-Busch created Natural Light in 1977. More than a decade later came Natural Ice, a higher ABV ice beer introduced in 1995. In 2012 came the infamous Natty Daddy, a malt liquor to supplement the already-great offerings of the Natural brand. Now, a fourth member of the family is born.

Anheuser-Busch has long been the champion of the American college student, producing beers both cheap and generally palatable. Capitalizing on a clearly underserved niche on college campuses, the company has announced plans to bring a Natural-branded IPA into production. 

"We're proud to unveil the Natty IPA, and we're confident that consumers are going to love it," Anheuser-Busch spokesman Hop Barlman told reporters at a press conference this morning. "It has all your favorite aspects of the Natural brand with a more grown-up, complex flavor."

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Satire  Published 2 hours ago

BREAKING: Amy Gutmann's Refusal to Shake Princeton President’s Hand is All a Big Misunderstanding


Photo: Daniel Xu , Huggo / The Daily Pennsylvanian, Wikimedia Commons, pixabay (edited)

“It all got terribly out of hand,” Gutmann said as she brainstormed puns that have to do with hands. This past Friday, President Gutmann had a meeting with Princeton President Christopher L. Eisgruber. As the two were posing for pictures, video footage revealed various photographers requested that the two shake hands, in addition to President Eisgruber himself asking to shake hands. However, Gutmann kept her hands firmly by her side and did not acknowledge the requests for a handshake.

Immediately following the encounter, various fake news sources on campus attempted to make the event into a scandal. However, Under the Button dot com was not so quick to make assumptions. We went directly to the source - Amy Gutmann’s new Handshake Taskforce.

After speaking with multiple representatives, we were finally able to get ahold of Gutmann herself. She explained the reasoning behind what is now commonly referred to as Handshake-gate: “Right before my meeting, I was super bored and the only thing I had to occupy myself was a pen I found on the floor. So, I did a M.A.S.H. on my hand to find out who I’m gonna marry, where I’m gonna live, you know, all that good stuff. It’s not as fun now as it was in middle school because I pretty much always end up with a downgrade of my current life, but it was better than doing nothing. After I finished the game I tried to spit on my hand and rub the ink off, but I guess it was a permanent marker. Honestly I was just doing President Eisgruber a favor - who wants to have inky spit on their hand?” (UTB can relate - we recently published an investigative story on a freshman whose hands “aren’t sweaty,” he “just washed them recently.”)

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Satire  Published 18 hours ago

Trump-mann Tweet Of The Day

Satire  Published 19 hours ago

Wow! A Networking Session With Goldman Sachs Puppies


Photo: Public Domain / Pixabay

In recent years, a trend that has swept through colleges across the nation is bringing puppies to campuses to reduce stress during midterms and finals. Usually the events raise money for a good cause, and they seem to reduce stress. On the surface at least. But the painful truth is that sometimes Puppy Paloozas end up adding on more stress than they take away. 

Picture this: Tim (W '19) is playing with a tiny version of a golden retriever. He throws a bone in a too-small room in Houston that is filled with other sweaty and stressed peers. The bone reminds him of a prize. He remembers the words of his father on his 18th birthday, before he left for college: Eyes on the prize, TimboHe thinks of the shining future in finance that he wants so desperately to have one day, but knows deep down that he cannot achieve by spending his afternoon with puppers. 

Wow. That's hard.  

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Satire  Published 03/22/17 1:41pm

Penn Course Review Update Introduces New Metric: Classmate Quality


Photo: Seyoung Kim / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Last week, Penn Labs updated Penn Course Review to support a new feature, Course Cart. The feature allows you to track multiple classes at time and find the average rating of your entire courseload, so you can see if your next semester is going to be utter hell or only mostly hell. In addition, the good people at Penn Labs have developed a less well-advertised but even more important feature: a new course metric, Classmate Quality.

Finally, you can evaluate which classes have the worst classmates both quantitatively and qualitatively. Like Course Quality, Instructor Quality, and Difficulty, Classmate Quality will be rated on a normal four point scale with additional comments. The Penn Labs team hopes this will allow students to avoid classes with the most annoying classmates.

"The idea started last year, when I took a political science seminar and ended up hating every person in the class," Penn Labs team member Greg Bondi (E'18) said. "I talked to a lot of people and they had similar experiences in other classes. Although they might have loved their professor or the subject material, a lot of them called their classmates whiny, pretentious, or even misanthropic."

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News  Published 03/22/17 1:00pm

Has Martin Shkreli Resorted to Selling Drugs in Penn's Meme Groups?


Photo: Oversightandreform / flickr

Oh how the mighty have fallen.

On Monday, former CEO of Turing Pharmaceuticals and certified "Pharma Bro" Martin Shkreli was added to the meme group "Official Unofficial Penn Squirrel Catching Club," causing quite a stir in Penn's meme community. Members proceeded to roast his indicted-for-securities-fraud ass.

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Satire  Published 03/22/17 12:51pm

College Freshman's Writing Career Takes Off After Writing Her First Odyssey Online Article


Photo: Public Domain / Pixaby

Last night while wrapped up in her monogramed Vera Bradley blanket, Ashley Baron (C ’20) published her first Odyssey Online article, titled: “We’re not just friends, we’re sisters.” It was a moment that would change Baron’s life — whether for better or worse is up to debate.

Within minutes of sharing the article on Facebook, Baron received loads of high praise, notably from her big, grandbig, and grandmother. Her sorority, which Baron has asked us to keep anonymous for no good reason, even shared the piece with their national advisor to show the culture of sisterhood they’re developing at Penn.

Responding to all the positive feedback Baron comments, “Like I didn’t think like so many people would relate to this article so much. I guess it just shows a void in Penn publications. I remember when I was really upset that I got rejected from 34th Street, but now I'm so glad I went out on my own.”

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Features  Published 03/21/17 8:11pm

9 Things Only People Who Own Succulents Will Understand


Photo: Public Domain / Pixabay

Building its resistantance to harsh conditions over millennia, the succulent is a stout and tenacious plant. They can survive extreme high and low temperatures by storing water through droughts, and they sure do look cute doing it! This list goes out to anyone who loves succulents as much as we do here at Under the Button dot com.

1. Giving your succulent a name like "Juan" or "Jean Marie" isn't weird, it's totally normal.

2. You can't leave your Stenocereus or your Opuntia engelmannii on the heaters in the high rises, or you might come home to them black, burnt, and miserable. They're not invincible, guys. 

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Satire  Published 03/21/17 6:52pm

Surprise: That Guy You Kissed Last Weekend Isn't Actually Irish


Photo: Public Domain / Pixabay

With a couple days’ passing after the whirlwind of Guinness and green shot glass necklaces that was this weekend, you’ve had some time to process just exactly what happened. There are a few things you know for sure: your shoes are no longer the white, you have mud in crevices where mud doesn't belong, and you should probably start raising an aggressive eyebrow at your recurring chainsmoking habit.

Sometime between throwing Lucky Charms at strangers, begging your friends to snap pics from all angles at your annual keg stand, and confining yourself to the claustrophobia inherent to tents made of large blue tarps, you remember an intimate interaction.

The first thing you remember about this interaction was the color... the color, if you had to guess, was... green? But then... oh, but then, you remember a sentence, a phrase, a command, if you will. This is the clearest part of the day; against a (probably) green background you see the words: “Kiss Me, I’m Irish.” You now remember when you read this on anonymous frat boy’s t-shirt, believed in it more deeply than Saint Patrick believed in his life mission of finding a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and immediately started kissing said boy more passionately than was probably appropriate for a darty. You both stumbled away.

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Satire  Published 03/21/17 5:06pm

Embarrassing: Penn Has 18% of the Total Break Days That Cornell Does


Photo: Elvert Barnes (Edited) / Wikimedia Commons

After the DP published a story about how short Penn's mid-semester breaks are how that may affect mental health on campus, we at UTB decided to do some digging. We checked the academic calendars of all the other Ivy League schools (yes, Cornell is an Ivy) to see how Penn's breaks stack up with those of its peers. The numbers, below, are shocking. These numbers do not include summer break.

Yes, you read that right. According to our calculations, Cornell is just .5 days short of having a full half-year worth of breaks during the school year— and, again, that isn't counting summer. Dartmouth and Brown aren't far behind, each with more than 145 days of break during the school year.

When peer institutions have breaks like these, it's hard to see why Penn's breaks are so short. 

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