News  Published 20 hours ago

High Class Partier Takes Uber Fratting Down Locust

Remember in high school when everyone pooled together hundreds of dollars for a ten minute limo ride to prom? Well, one Penn student just couldn't bear the embarrassment of getting dropped off at prom a frat party in daddy's 2002 Honda Civic last night and opted for a sleek, black Uber car instead. 

Sure, it's freezing outside, and we'd be lying if we said we haven't cabbed to DRL, but why drive on Locust? Why not just get dropped off on Spruce? We hope that this frat star had the sceniest of nights SABSing at Elmo/St. A's/FIJI/whatever else is on that side of Locust. But if Locust Walk is transforming into Locust Drive, we have some suggestions: 

1. Use your Lyft credits on your way home each day to avoid the high rise wind tunnel.
2. Call an Uber whenever you don't feel like walking over the 38th Street Bridge.
3. Avoid flyerers and/or your latest DFMO by hiding behind the tinted windows of a black Lexus.
4. Surprise your little with door service from the Lower Quad Gate to her Spanish class in Williams.
5. Drive through a campus tour to show prefrosh that no one fucks with you.

News  Published 02/26/15 11:07pm

AFTER DARK: Rodin Residents Spend Thursday Night In An Elevator

When it comes to giving believable excuses, claiming to be stuck in an elevator ranks lower than telling your hookup that “your friend is sick and you have to go.” But believe it or not, these poor souls lived everyone’s nightmare of being stuck in a Rodin elevator tonight, and man do we feel for them. We of course hope for their safety and release, but we wonder, what happened in there? Did they resort to playing Desert Island? Was it a Survivor kind of situation? Were the occupants as calm as the other people in this photo who seem unalarmed by their peers’ claustrophobic predicament? Did the pictured firemen pry them out with their medieval-esque weaponry? Did anyone emerge a hero? We’ll never really know. All we can do is hope that no one has a 12 am deadline, and that tomorrow isn’t so bad.

News  Published 02/26/15 4:30pm

Houston Nails Their Breakfast Muffins

There are a lot of things that can ruin your morning, like trudging to 8:30 a.m. recitation or bumping into last weekend’s DFMO on Locust. But nothing is probably worse THAN FINDING A LITERAL NAIL IN YOUR BREAKFAST MUFFIN. Yes, that’s correct. An unfortunate Penn employee found a whole nail in a Houston muffin. This was likely an accident, but we can’t help but think: was this foul play? Maybe Houston is in fact testing out a new nail-flavored muffin? Maybe this was just a wedding proposal gone wrong! Whatever the case was, this definitely wasn’t the getting nailed we had in mind.  

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News  Published 02/26/15 3:46pm

This Job Search Description Will Make You Cringe

Congratulations, you now have the privilege of tutoring a ninth grader whose achievements easily surpass yours. This "precocious, motivated" 14-year-old will be taking a year off of her intensive high school curriculum to study in one year what you will probably take 4 years at Penn to do. For an unbeatable 10 bucks an hour, you get the privilege of being blessed by a 9th grader's scholarly knowledge of the Great American classics...via Skype. If you are a Penn student with a high level of pretentiousness, perpetual desire to be around annoying people, and inexplainable amount of free time despite the fact that you, too, are currently pursuing academia, then this is the job for you. Oh, and just a reminder: your tutee is bilingual and tri-cultural, so don't forget to take a visit to Sao Paulo and brush up on your Mandarin a little bit before accepting this job offer — you want to avoid potential for an awkward power dynamic.

News  Published 02/25/15 5:57pm

5 Reasons To Be Excited For William Street Common

Note: This is NOT Commons' attempt at rebranding. This is a brand spankin’ new restaurant opening tomorrow on 39th and Chestnut. We know there’ve been a lot of new restaurants opening recently, so here’s five reasons why William Street Common is special:

  1. They offer maple-glazed snack bacon. YES that’s a real thing and YES we foresee ourselves post-mating it to VP in the future.
  2. Their $5 flat-rate drink menu means you can brag to your parents about how frugal you’ve been recently.
  3. The prix-fixe brunch comes with unlimited coffee and donuts. We’re already excited about all the Penn Police we’ll be seeing there.
  4. The vintage arcade means that you can recreate scenes from Princess Diaries while surrounded by Philadelphia hipsters.
  5. And lastly, they enforce a no-tipping policy which basically means you never have to do math again.

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News  Published 02/25/15 4:19pm

Free pretzels outside HubBub-- Two really nice dudes from Philly Pretzel Factory are giving out free samples right now. By samples we mean big cups of warm, soft mini pretzels, not a measly pretzel bite (we see you Auntie Anne's). Get to 38th and Spruce before it's too late!

News  Published 02/25/15 12:17pm

Penn Dental Got A GoPro...And Made This

Perhaps seeking to prove that a GoPro does not in fact make everything look fun, Penn Dental made this video. With panoramas of a room filled with practice dental chairs and close ups of a needle entering a gaping mouth, we were intrigued, but mostly we were plagued by flashbacks of mental hooks scraping our gums, not to mention trying to pretend you're not crying because you feel weird that you're a twenty-year-old who can't handle a routine cleaning...just us?

Despite some exciting highlights (under faucet shots and a handstand) and the admirable enthusiasm of the videographer, we weren't sure who was less excited to be there – the students coerced into waiving to the camera, or you before your last root canal. Bottom line: Watch if you've always wondered what the hell happens in the dental school building. Do not watch if you've ever had a cavity. 

Features  Published 02/25/15 10:00am

Profs: They're Just Like Us! Facebook Stalking Edition

Think skipping lecture and watching it online instead exempts you from witnessing your professor's cringeworthy antics? Think again. After recording his lecture for BIOL-121, one professor forgot to turn off the screen capture, allowing us all a glimpse into his fascinatingly creepy personal life.

At approximately 57:55, the professor begins to intensely Facebook-stalk the inimitable "Public Figure" Tukufu Zuberi. But wait, it gets better. While engaging in said shameless act, the professor then begins to rock out to the iconic song "My Way's Cloudy" by Marian Anderson. You know how the old saying goes: finish giving a lecture, celebrate with a li'l Mary-Andy. 

This incident is actually quite comforting if you think about it, because it proves yet again that professors are just like us! They stalk people from which they have no less than six degrees of separation, too! And they do so while listening to obscure operatic music that they wouldn't want anyone else to know they really listen to!  

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 Published 02/24/15 4:55pm

Adrian Chen Knows Internet Culture Better Than You And Will Tell You That Thursday

Adrian Chen, former Gawker writer and current editor at The New Inquiry is coming to speak on campus. Chen's writings examine the digital economy and networked digital platforms, examining parts of the deep web. He is famed for generating attention to the Silk Road, the place your frat bought your fake from, and also revealing the identity of a notorious Reddit pedophile. Chen's writings are quite frankly super modern and fascinating; he was writing about Bitcoinlivestream activism, and Anonymous all before they were cool. If anyone knows where the internet is going, it's Adrian Chen.

Chen will be speaking about social media sweatshops in the Philippines (click for time and location). We don't really know what that means, but it sounds ridiculous and terrible and hard to joke about. If you want to learn more, we will see you there Thursday!

News  Published 02/24/15 2:25pm

Tonight: Hill Corrupts Your Innocence With Résumés and Cover Letters

As if we weren't freaked out about applying for internships already, Hill really went for it with this possibly BDSM-themed résumé workshop. Maybe Anastasia should have opted for "new adventures on Capitol Hill, the Wall Street, bay name it," (unclear if we want this person editing our cover letters) instead of a lame internship in Christian Grey's sex dungeon (we can't all get Goldman). Anyway, thanks for sexily trying to save us from a summer spent on our parents' couch, Hill. 

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