Satire  Published 20 hours ago

NETS Major Isn't Actually All That Popular on Social Networks


Photo from ccPixs / CC BY 3.0

Randy Patel (E ’19) is passionate about his major, NETS, which is short for Networked and Social Systems Engineering. Everyday, he is privileged to learn about how networks shape society and about the socioeconomic and technological factors that drive them.

In fact, just a few weeks ago, Patel was contacted by Facebook and LinkedIn regarding his research on improving friend recommendation algorithms. Not many people understand social networks like him.

And yet, Patel somehow is not popular on these same networks.

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Satire  Published 20 hours ago

Wharton to Turn Half of Huntsman GSRs into Aquariums


Photo (with edits by Sammy Gordon) by Smuconlaw / CC BY-SA 4.0; Paul Brennan / CC0

Group study rooms (GSRs) in Huntsman Hall are small rooms designed for interdisciplinary collaboration. Much of the time, though, there are only single students in each room, or, even worse, a group of students just aggressively staring out the window at passersby.

To counter this, Wharton Dean Geoffrey Garrett is taking a unique approach to renovate the GSR system: he has decided to convert half of Huntsman GSRs into aquariums.

“I just think aquariums are so fun,” said Garrett, who was given his grandfather’s first name as his last name. “It’s not like students are doing anything in them anyway, right? Is that right? Please help me.”

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Satire  Published 20 hours ago

Wawa to Begin Charging for Water


Photo by Lauren Sorantino

Impressive! Penn students have abused Wawa's benevolent "free water" policy so severely that Wawa will no longer offer free water to its patrons.

Wawa Corporate estimates that the 38th and Spruce location spent roughly $1,000 a day on cups, straws, and lids for free waters.  That's how much 500 cheesy pretzels cost!

"That's a pretty huge sunk cost," lamented 38th and Spruce Wawa Manager, Gary Christofferson.  "Most people who come in to get free water don't even buy anything," he added.

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Satire  Published 20 hours ago

OP-ED: Hey Millennials, Want to Afford a House? Stop Using Avocados as Male Sex Toys


Photo from Max Pixel / CC0

I’ve seen your Twitters and your Facebooks about my generation, little twerp. So what if us "old folks" ruined the housing market and doomed the environment? It’s not my fault that you’re making stupid decisions about money and brunch and “rosé” and pocket pussies.

Reading this from your iPhone, you lackadaisical mooch? Maybe if you looked up from your buzzing doodad for a couple minutes you could contemplate that when I was your age, I saved up to have experiences with people, not gadgets. Back in my day, we washed and reused our condoms every time until they broke. That’s right—we made that sacrifice so that we could support our unplanned children instead of wasting our hard-earned cash on the luxury of a brand new rubber.

Stop complaining to me about welfare. I don’t want to hear it, and I don’t care what excuses you have. You can’t just go sticking your dick in an avocado every time you want to crank one out and expect me to pay your mortgage. It’s called economics, and when I was a boy, I took it at Penn for only $500 a semester, so don’t tell me it’s that hard to figure out.

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Satire  Published 03/23/18 6:22pm

6 Reasons Why I'm Pretty Sure That Boy In Castle is Niall Horan


Photo by Ashley Newby / CC BY 2.0

I know this sounds crazy. Why would an international pop star be a member of one of Penn’s fraternities? But hear me out. I’ve been mulling over the possibility that this man in Castle was Niall Horan for a while now, and last Friday’s late-night just confirmed why 1D’s (RIP) blond-haired Irishman must be a part of that organization.

  1. Hello! The blonde hair AND the accent. Like, what a combo? You don’t see that too often around these parts. Penn boys, in my experience, do not call soccer “football.”
  2. The speakers were blasting Coldplay’s “Viva La Vida,” which just so happens to be Niall Horan’s favorite song. Coincidence? I think not.
  3. Niall also really likes the band The Eagles. Why do you think he would want to be in the city of Philadelphia? Answer: go birds!
  4. He was really hype about St. Patty’s Day.
  5. The man I was scoping out in Castle was sporting that preppy, Brit look, and I’m pretty sure the newsboy cap on his head was Brooks Brothers. You've got to trust me on this one. From my many hours scrolling through Niall’s Instagram, I would know the way he dresses.
  6. Look, can you just believe me!? This guy HAS to be Niall Horan. If he wasn’t, why would I keep going back to Castle?

Satire  Published 03/23/18 5:32pm

OP-ED: If No One Raises Their Hand, I’m Going to Start Calling on People


Photo by George Thompson / CC BY-SA 3.0

Come on, guys. Seriously.

The answer is in the instructions. Does anyone have the instructions handy?

I can see them on your desks.

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Satire  Published 03/23/18 5:23pm

'God, I Could Use a Cigarette,' Thinks 17-Year-Old With Asthma


Photo by USDA / CC BY 2.0

Sitting in GEOL 112 earlier this week, Jacob Scott (C '21) looked longingly out the window and felt a deep, painful urge rise within his stomach. Jacob, a freshman who will turn eighteen in April, realized that he was having nicotine cravings.

"God, I could use a cigarette," he thought. "But I shouldn't, because I have asthma."

Scott, who picked up smoking after six months of college in order to appear cool to a girl, now finds himself addicted to the vice which, as an asthmatic, is actually worse for him than the average person.

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Satire  Published 03/23/18 2:12pm

OP-ED: Hey Round-Earthers, If The Earth Was Round The Whole World Would be Like 38th Street Bridge


Photo (with edits) by Katie Zhao / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Okay listen up, you circle-crazed buffoons. You ever been on 38th Street bridge? If you have, you’ve probably noticed that that shit ain't flat. It’s fucking slanted as all hell. The angle on that thing has gotta be like 70 degrees, minimum. 

I mean, seriously, it’s an ordeal walking over the thing. You’re probably winded by the time you get to the other side. You’d probably avoid going over that bridge altogether if you didn’t have your goddamn Circle Club meetings in Huntsman Hall. I don’t even blame you—walking over that bridge is a freaking nightmare.

So how would you feel if everywhere you walked felt like 38th Street bridge? Would you sons of bitches enjoy walking on that shit all the time? You clowns probably count walking up that bridge as your main source of exercise, other than running around in circles like the moronic circle-lovers you are.

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Satire  Published 03/23/18 1:58pm

Heartbreaking: Sophomore Cheats on Engineering Ethics Exam


Photo by Hariadhi / CC BY-SA 3.0

Moral breakdown was wholly apparent last Thursday when Clyde Jennings (E ’20) cheated on his EAS 203—Engineering Ethics exam with no regrets.

“I literally had no time to do any of the readings. I still don’t even know what the categorical imperative is,” Jennings said.

When we asked Jennings, who went out almost every night of the past week, about his decision to cheat, he yielded to a utilitarian argument.

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Satire  Published 03/22/18 3:17pm

Business Frat Makes Pledges Memorize Excel Shortcuts


Photo from Max Pixel / CC0

As fraternities across the country are being reprimanded for their brutal pledging tactics, one of Penn's business fraternities, Beta Iota Zeta (BIZ), has taken a slightly different approach to pledging.

Reports indicate that the business fraternity has mandated that their pledges perform a variety of grueling yet professionally enriching tasks. These include reciting a Goldman Sachs employment contract from heart, shaking hands with every human being in a five-mile radius of Penn's campus, and worst of all, memorizing every Microsoft Excel shortcut.

The fraternity claims that these tasks are designed to transform the pledges into better businesspeople and better human beings. "How the hell do you expect to survive in this world without knowing Excel?!" exclaimed Richard Wong (C '19), the current pledge-master of the fraternity. "No company would even dream of hiring you if you don't have these valuable skills. Well I mean, yeah, I guess they train you on the job for a couple weeks, but it's always good to get a head start, right?" 

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