Satire  Published 4 minutes ago

Incoming Freshman Excited to Try Harder Than All of His Classmates

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Photo by CollegeDegrees360 / CC 2.0


Ben Jordan (C '21) has been preparing all summer for his first semester at Penn.

Jordan knows that he was a good student high school, even though he only got picked as the class salutatorian. We know, embarrassing. So even though he will regret taking only 12 APs for the rest of his life, Jordan has vowed to redeem himself. This fall, he will be trying harder than everyone in his classes.

Reportedly, Jordan intends to "complete all the required readings, take diligent notes, answer all the professors' rhetorical questions, and even attend half of his 9 AMs."

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Satire  Published 06/21/17 6:19pm

Embarrassing! Student Says He's Playing Devil's Avocado During Recitation

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Public Domain (with edits)


It all started in his Intro to American Politics class. A future political science major, Fred Wilkins (C '20) was really in his element. And as much as he enjoyed the lectures, he looked forward to the recitations even more. Wilkins' TA would allow the class to have open discussion about the week’s lecture and reading material. Previously a shy kid in high school, Wilkins found himself thriving in the discussions, raising excellent points and taking advantage of weaknesses in other people’s arguments— just like every other freshman at Penn. He was able to speak for both sides regarding every issue, even when he actually had an opinion. Two weeks into the semester, he even caught the eye of a cute girl in the recitation, and they would have intelligent conversations about the material after class. Everything was going wonderfully, but like all good things, it couldn’t last.

One Thursday at 9:30 AM, Wilkins thought of a brilliant argument against one of his classmate’s points. When the other student finished his thoughts, Wilkins began, “I hate to be the devil’s avocado, but your argument is flawed.”

The class immediately erupted into laughter, forcing Wilkins to stop in the middle of his train of thought. “What, you guys have never heard that expression? It’s just, like, sharing an opposing view to an argument, even if you don't actually believe it,” he explained smartly. “People where I’m from use it all the time.”

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Satire  Published 06/20/17 6:13pm

Shameful: This Rising Junior Doesn't Even Have a Sick Internship

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Photo by Captain Andy / CC BY-SA 4.0


On a typical Monday morning in June, most Penn students wake up early to go to their internships. They crawl from their beds, often when it's still dark out. They are bleary eyed and despondent, ready for another day making spreadsheets at the office. Can you think of a better way to spend your summer?

Drew Marin, a rising Wharton junior from Clearwater, Florida, breaks the mould. Instead of spending his summer toiling for an unscrupulous investment company in sweaty New York City, Drew is living at home and working on a charter fishing boat with one of his uncles. What a fucking idiot.

Marin, who tells us that his summer job is "surprisingly lucrative" and "a really pleasant, engaging way to spend the summer," sounds incredibly stupid on the phone and looks like kind of a tool in his Facebook profile picture. That's to be expected, really, when you're dealing with someone who didn't even want to work 12 hour days in the financial district just to blow all their income on housing and drinks in Manhattan.

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Satire  Published 06/16/17 4:15pm

Sophomore Misses Pottruck, Won't Exercise Now Because Gym Is Too Far

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Photo by RyanMcGuire / Pixabay


You don’t know what you have until it’s gone. During the school year, you get your daily greens from the guy whose contact in your phone is just a leaf emoji. You think your weekly fitness quota is complete after a night of sweating out your vodka Red Bulls on an elevated surface.

While walking on Walnut between 37th and 38th, you glance between Pottruck and Huntsman, forced to choose the lesser of two evils. But instead, you go for a carb-loading, equally sweaty night at Honeygrow.

We spoke to Michael Whitman (W ’20), who shared that he regrets his freshman-year choices now that he's home. Talk about summertime sadness!

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Satire  Published 06/15/17 6:09pm

Rising Junior Has Spent Entire Summer Taking Snapchats of Her Dog

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Public Domain


Kaitlyn Hassell (C '19) is having the summer of her life. She spent two weeks traveling between Cancun and PV, is starting an internship working for her father at McKinsey and Co., and even won $8,000 after a brief stint on The Price Is Right.

But the only thing she's shared with her friends and acquaintances are constant photos of her dog on Snapchat.

"I just want everyone to see how cute Bentley is," Hassell explained. "Everyone at Penn has been to Cancun and is doing consulting. How many people have a dog, though?"

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Satire  Published 06/13/17 5:06pm

Student Sees Laptop Being Stolen After Being Asked to Watch It, Does Nothing

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Public Domain


For 6 people studying in the basement of Van Pelt, today became a bit more miserable than usual when a theft took place at 11:46 am.

We spoke to Kara Phillips (C '20), who witnessed the crime.

"It all started when this girl asked me to watch her laptop while she went to the bathroom," she explained.

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Satire  Published 06/12/17 6:03pm

Student Chooses to Waste Entire Summer by “Being Productive”

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Photo by mer chau / CC by 2.0


William Fisher appears to be completely useless. This summer, he was provided with an incredible gift: no problem sets, no midterms, and no commitments. Given an incredible opportunity to relax, go outside, and enjoy the summer, Fisher has decided to turn down all these opportunities in exchange of something much more boring. 

Sources tell UTB that the rising sophomore has made a vow to spend his summer “working hard” and “being productive.”

“I think I’m gonna take a couple online courses,” Fisher said. “Maybe teach myself how to code, learn some history, and even voluntarily read.” 

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Satire  Published 06/09/17 2:20pm

Celebs Tell Us: What's In My Bag? Feat. Amy Gutmann

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Photo by Ananya Chandra (edited)

/ The Daily Pennsylvanian


After years and years of wondering, President Amy Gutmann finally agreed to participate in US Weekly’s feature, Celebs Tell Us: What’s In My Bag? Though her response will not be published in the magazine, UTB got the inside information from a source within the publication. So at long last, here it is:

Amy Gutmann Tells Us: What's in My Bag?

  • A crumpled brochure from CAPS, "for getting dirt out from under my fingernails"
  • One of those accordion plastic photo holders filled with pics of Joe Biden
  • A journal of ideas for new Task Forces, "for whenever I'm feeling inspired"
  • A set of keys to my Philadelphia home, sealed in plastic.
  • Additionally, a slip of paper with my Philadelphia home address on it, "in case I forget."
  • Wads of cash
  • A sticky note that says, “Don't let the memes get to you.”
  • A Starbucks gift card. "Yeah, I have 15% equity in the company. Is it obvious?"

With all that information, Penn students can finally get a glimpse into the elusive president's life.


Satire  Published 06/08/17 4:29pm

Rising Junior Going Through Google Form Withdrawal

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Photo by Amit Agarwal / CC 2.0


"It's been a month, maybe longer," rising Wharton junior Steven Zhu told us on Wednesday. "This has been the hardest experience of my life."

Zhu is just one of many students going through near-unimaginable discomfort, both physical and mental, in the transition from school to summer. It isn't his friends, nor the cockroaches of West Philadelphia, that Zhu and many others are missing. Instead, it is the humble Google Form.

"At school, they're everywhere. You can't log onto Facebook or check your email without seeing a handful of Google Forms to fill out," Zhu lamented. "It's so easy to access Google Forms... you get used to it. Your body adjusts. You start to need more and more Google Forms to feel like a functional adult and a contributing member of the Penn community. All of a sudden you leave for the summer and it's cold turkey, zero Google Forms. In the real world you can't find them on every alley and street corner the way you can at Penn."

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