Satire  Published 20 hours ago

Next Level Flyering: This Guy is Just Handing Out Business Cards on Locust


Photo by The Daily Pennsylvanian

Penn’s pre-professional culture has driven students to some fairly extreme lengths when trying to get a leg up in the hunt for jobs, but this OCR season, one Penn senior is ready to go above and beyond the call of duty in his search for a full time position.

After seeing certain popular locust flyerers successfully build up their own personal brand, Frederick Watkins (C ‘18) felt inspired to take things a step further. Rather than actually invest his own free time in advertising another organization, Watkins could just skip the middleman and advertise himself on Locust. Fred’s plan was simple: design a flyer that, at a glance, looked like legitimate promotion for a group at Penn, but in reality was just a business card extolling his own virtues. Then, he would hand it out at Penn's busiest walkway intersections.

Sadly, things are bleak for our budding entrepreneur. It seems like a hopeless grind for Fred as hundreds of Penn students walk by him without so much as a glance in his general direction. Luckily, Fred has become so desensitized to rejection after being shunned by dozens of employers that he doesn’t have much pride left to lose.

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Satire  Published 20 hours ago

On-Campus Frat Makes Their WiFi AirPennNet, Mass Confusion Ensues


Photo by MJ Kang; Public Domain

This past Thursday, students walking down Locust realized that they couldn’t connect to AirPennNet. 

“It kept asking me for a password. I put in my Penn login information, but it wouldn’t work,” explained Lily Thompson (C ’20).

After receiving a tip, UTB reporters tracked down Theta Fig member Jack Christianson (W ’19) and asked him for comment. 

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Satire  Published 23 hours ago

Penn Student Insecure About Being in the Bottom Half of the Top One Percent of Wealth


Photo by Edward N. Wolff / CC BY-SA 3.0 (with edits)

Jacob Swartz (W ‘20) comes from a modest background. He was raised by a stay-at-home mother and a father with a partnership at a law firm. Swartz attended a $60,000-per-year private high school, and went on trips to international luxury resorts with his family four times a year. He felt secure about his family’s finances when living in a gated community where everyone had similar levels of wealth.

Then he came to Penn.

“When I arrived at Penn, I immediately saw someone wearing a custom-tailored Dior suit,” he said. “The only Dior suit I have is off the rack. That was the first time I realized there were some rich kids at Penn.”

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Satire  Published 23 hours ago

OP-ED: Joining LinkedIn Ruined My Life


Photo by Tim Sackton / CC BY-SA 2.0

It all started out so innocently. It was freshman year; everyone was doing it. One night I finally gave in. “It was going to happen at some point,” I remember telling my friends. “It’s no big deal, guys.” And at first, it wasn’t. I copied and pasted in my resume and never gave it a second thought—until one day I logged in and saw it:


Intermediate strength?! I go to THE UNIVERSITY OF PENNSYLVANIA; no one tells me I’m mediocre. So I started connecting. I connected once, twice, three times a day—anything to get that rush of expanding my network. I stopped going to class; I stopped eating; I stopped sleeping. No time for that until I reached 500+.

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Satire  Published 10/20/17 5:51am

Freshman Romance Sparked by Shared Love of Film, Mutual Friend’s Alcohol Poisoning

Two freshman, Joe S. (W ’21) of Scarsdale, NY and Rachel W. (C ’21) of White Neck, NY have reportedly been seen together as a couple after discovering their shared love of film, as well as jointly experiencing their mutual friend Jeremy’s alcohol poisoning last week.

After flirtatiously knocking on doors, desperate for help with caring for his unconscious friend, Jeremy, Joe happened upon Rachel’s second story Quad double. “We had seen each other around, but he had never actually talked, said Joe. “I forget who talked to who first, but once we did we really quickly hit it off. We talked about Tarantino, Coppola, whether Jeremy had had anything to eat that day—just everything.”

“You know, I had no idea someone else loved Jackie Brown as much as I did. That was just so cool,” said Rachel about that first meeting. “I’ve also never been afraid I was watching a person die, so Joe has already broadened my perspective on life.”

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Satire  Published 10/20/17 5:24am

Damn! This International Just Got Deported for Not Complying with SHS’s Immunization Requirements

The fall can be a tough time for freshmen and upperclassman alike, thanks to the pressures of new classes and competitive club applications. It is especially a time of worry for those who have not complied with the Student Health Service’s (SHS) immunization requirements—those who do not comply by mid-October have their registrations put on hold.

Or worse yet, get deported.

That was the fate of senior Arjun Gupta (W ’18), who was told earlier today that he would not be allowed back to the United States.

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Satire  Published 10/19/17 2:03pm

Junior Pretends to Be 21 to Get Free Sauerkraut at Campus Oktoberfest


Photo by 089photoshootings / Public Domain

Today, from 5:30 to 8:30 pm, the senior class is hosting Oktoberfest on College Green. There will be music by Kweder and free food and beer for all seniors who are of the legal drinking age. What a nice time for everyone to bond and reminisce, right?

Junior Jasper Collins doesn’t think so. “I’ve been looking all over Philly for three years for the best sauerkraut in the tri-state area. Do you know how much money I’ve spent on finely cut cabbage? And these losers get to eat it for free just because they’re seniors? This is a form of ageism, and I will not stand for it.”

He knew what he had to do. Collins immediately ordered a new fake from IDJesus, borrowed his friend Jack’s Class of 2018 P sweater, and bought two large balloons in the shape of a 2 and a 1 and posted a photo of them on Instagram.

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Satire  Published 10/19/17 12:02am

Yogurt Parfait Review: Delicious, Until a Bug Flew Into My Mouth


Photos from Pixnio (CC0) and Umberto Salvagnin (CC 2.0)

The Fresh Grocer yogurt parfaits feature a sizable quantity of vanilla yogurt topped with plump blueberries, tart raspberries, and a layer of crunchy granola.

The yogurt was smooth and sweet. Thankfully, it was not Greek yogurt, which I think tastes like curdled gasoline. The berries were plump, fresh, and added color to the presentation. The granola had a robust crunchiness, which prevented it from becoming soggy in the yogurt. Overall, it was a superb parfait.

Then a bug flew into my mouth.

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Satire  Published 10/19/17 12:01am

Breaking: Introductory Feminist Theater Professor Wants You to Call Her Cheryl


Photo by Roel Wijnants / CCAttribution 3.0 Unported

A tale as old as time: you’re sitting in your first seminar for a new course and need to ask a question, but you stay silent because you don’t know how to address your professor. Should you call them Dr., Professor, or Mr. or Ms.? How do you pronounce their last name? Should you go with the classic “excuse me, Professor” or should you just yell “I have a question” into the void until your professor acknowledges you?

For students in this introductory feminist theater class, that classic conundrum wasn’t an issue. Professor Rosenblume, teaching the course “Ladies of the Stage: How the Vagina Monologues are Reshaping American Theatre,” immediately made it clear; she wants the class to call her Cheryl.

Rosenblume, a knit poncho enthusiast, wants students to know her seminar is a multi-current stream, with information flowing organically between all who inhabit the classroom space. “I need them to know I am with them, I understand them. I am here to learn from them. Mostly they are here to learn from me, but I am also here to learn from them.” Less important for them to know, she felt, was her reputation for giving out D's because students didn’t “dig into the unspoken truths of the text.”

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Satire  Published 10/19/17 12:00am

Student Doesn't Match With TA on Tinder, Has to Actually Work for Passing Grade


Photo by Ahmed Aqtai / CC0

Jake Rogers (C '21) hates PSYC 001.

"This class is the bane of my existence," grumbled Rogers as he pored over his notes pre-midterm. "It's all memorization anyway, and it's just so boring." 

Rogers, in a last-ditch effort to breeze through the course with minimal effort, had previously attempted to match with his TA on Tinder in hopes that she would allow a burgeoning affair to interfere with her professional life.

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