Satire  Published 5 hours ago

Fuck Global Warming, but 70 Degree Weather Makes Me Forget My Existential Dread

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Photo from Pxhere / CC0 


Can be honest with you for a second?

It’s been 4 days since I’ve left my room to see the light of day. All I’ve done this week so far is masturbate and ghost my therapist. But it’s fine, because guess the fuck what? It’s 70 degrees out, baby!

Don’t get me wrong, I really care about the environment and everything. And the fact that it’s literally summer weather in the middle of February is very, very concerning.

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Satire  Published 02/20/18 10:00pm

A Message to the Penn Community: ‘Just Checking In and Saying Hey!'

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Photo by The Daily Pennsylvanian


Dear Penn Undergraduates,

Hey guys, what’s up? It’s me, your President. No, not that one. But yeah, I feel like it’s been a while since we’ve just chatted. 

I guess I’ll give you a quick update on my life first. I’m doing great—better than ever after that Campus Conversation we had a few months ago. Isn’t it crazy how one hour-long conversation can fix all current and future problems we face on campus? Nuts.

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Satire  Published 02/20/18 10:00pm

Impressive: This Math Professor Hasn't Blinked Since 1982

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Photo from Pixabay / CC0


In a quiet, throaty aside muttered under his breath during a review session for an upcoming midterm exam, MATH 475 professor Dr. Howard Merchant revealed to his class that he has not blinked his eyes in 36 years.

Witnesses say the 68-year-old professor was writing a long and complicated expression on the blackboard when he announced in his usual despairing monotone voice, "now, this maneuver is quick—blink and you'll miss it." He then reportedly paused for a brief moment, turning his stoic face to the side, and murmured menacingly, "that's why I haven't blinked since 1982."

What could have been interpreted as a joke was instead unanimously understood as a confirmation of existing suspicions among Dr. Merchant's students. Several sources reported that the professor's intense, unyielding stare had become a common topic of conversation at informal study sessions from early on in the semester. 

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Satire  Published 02/20/18 10:00pm

Penn Crushes: To the Jewish Guy From Westchester, You Know Who You Are

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Photo by Pierre-Auguste Renoir / Public Domain 


Hey there.

To that guy in my Geology recitation, you make my heart flutter like a million butterflies trapped in a beehive.

Seeing you in your grey joggers, white Stan Smiths, and APES sweatshirt is the highlight of my day.

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Satire  Published 02/20/18 10:00pm

Achievement in Real Estate: This Frat's Basement Isn't Moldy

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Photo from Wikimedia Commons / CC0


West Philadelphia is home to a plethora of glorious real estate. Victorian townhouses, gothic apartment buildings, you name it. But there is a hidden gem nearby that many would argue is the most noteworthy achievement in real estate: the basement of Pi Theta Beta.

PTB's basement stands out for a number of reasons. It has hardwood floors, divine leather couches, and an odor that doesn't reek of aged vomit. And, above all, the basement isn't moldy! PTB has hosted upwards of 1,000 mixers, pledge events, and after-parties in their beloved home. And yet, somehow, some way, they've managed to keep the mold out and keep the clean in. Miraculous!

We asked a brother of Pi Theta Beta to tell us the secret to their basement's success. "I mean. It's really not that complicated. Every time we have an event down here, I come downstairs and spend between 2 and eight minutes cleaning up. It seems to have solved the problem," Johnny Emory (C '19) told us. What a hero! Maybe the brothers of PTB could give Penn fraternities a little lesson in housekeeping 101.


Satire  Published 02/20/18 10:00pm

OP-ED: I May be Wearing a Cow Suit to Class Everyday but It Isn't a Pledge Thing, I am an Actual Bovine

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From Pixabay / CC0


Hi guys. Yeah, I know, I know. It's that time of year and there are dumb kids doing all sorts of shenanigans to gain the approval of others. But my cow suit is not to be part of a superficial brotherhood. I have no interest in your cults to binge drinking and public humiliation. No, my friends, I suck at the teat of something that is much bigger than all of us. I am a Cow. 

I get it. That day that I burst into SPAN 110, out of breath and saying, "Hola Profesor, soy un toro," might have seemed like something that a fraternity would force upon human pledges in their twisted ceremonies. But no, my friends, I said that because "Soy un toro. Me llamo Michael y soy un toro. Encantado, mucho gusto."  

I am a longhorn from Texas. I enjoy cud and dislike being tipped over by miscreants. I study Electric Engineering and hope to return to cattle lands to de-electrify the fences back home. My best friend on campus is a banana.  

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Satire  Published 02/20/18 10:00pm

​OP-ED: Want to Go to Smokes Tonight? I Promise I Won't Get Sad Like Last Time

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Photo by James Meadows / The Daily Pennsylvanian


It’s Wednesday, dude. Want to go to Smokes?

Nah, that won’t happen again. I was just going through some stuff last week with Lauren and I got a little drunk and it all came pouring out.

Come on. It will be fun. I promise I won’t freak out like I did last time. It was just that Lauren told me she’s going abroad and doesn’t want to do the long distance thing.

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Satire  Published 02/20/18 4:51am

Sophomore Doesn’t Know Anyone In Dance Troupe But Still Cried During Their Senior Montage

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Photo by nikidinov / CC0


Last Thursday, Becca Goldstein (C ’20) was dragged to Iron Gate Theater to watch her roommate’s friend’s dance performance.

“I’d rather eat a rotten melon than be here on my Thursday night," sighed Goldstein. "I don’t know a single soul in this dance troupe, but Monica is making me go."

It was reported that Goldstein was on her phone for the duration of the two-hour show, barely paying attention to the stage until the last dance number. At that point, the projector over the stage lit up with the words, “We Love You, Seniors!” while Graduation (Friends Forever) by Vitamin C played over the loud speaker.

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Satire  Published 02/20/18 4:50am

Freshman Writes Algorithm to Decide if He Should Drop CIS 121

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Photo by Wesley Nitsckie / CC BY-SA 2.0


It’s midterm season again, and for many, it’s also drop season.

Freshman Jim Sands (E ’21) recently got his CIS 121 midterm back. If his name doesn’t ring a bell, he’s the guy who calculated all the ways to reconstruct his schedule after considering dropping CIS 160.

Fortunately, he stayed in 160 and completed it. Unfortunately, that meant he had to deal with CIS 121: Algorithms and Data Structures, the next juggernaut in the CIS intro sequence.

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Satire  Published 02/20/18 4:49am

​OP-ED: I Am From Another Country. May I Offer You a Cigarette?

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Photo by George Hodan / CC-0


Hi, I’m Ahmet. I’m from Turkey.

I see that we’re both milling about outside of this bar. May I offer you a cigarette?

I am standing out here so that I can smoke a cigarette. I assume that you are here to do the same.

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