Features  Published 1 hour ago

What's HapPENNing?

Not to be the bearer of bad news, but this week finals, formals and freakouts is kind of what's happening. Apart from those things, however, there is still some stuff to do around Penn, so here's our weekly list of the best! 

Monday at 6 pm in Huntsman G60

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Features  Published 20 hours ago

ShutterButton: Butts Bow To Ben

If you've been admiring the fine athletic specimens jogging around campus over the last few days, you're not alone. According to this ancient depiction, Ben also ogled Relayers back in the day (from the grave, as the Relays started 105 years after his death). While they might be a little less homoerotic than the scene here, the Penn Relays are actually a huge deal, but alas – if you're reading this, it's too late, as yesterday was your last day to head down to Franklin Field and check out some butts! 

Features  Published 04/26/15 12:31pm

Random Dude At A Party, Vol. 13

Read about more past Random Dudes hereherehereherehereherehereherehereherehere, and here

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Features  Published 04/25/15 7:41pm

Absolute Worst Of Penn

Penn is an all around swell place, but sometimes it's really just not so swell. Sometimes it's just literally the worst. So what better time to celebrate the worst of Penn than right after we celebrated its best? You don't get to vote or anything – we just picked for you. Sorry, we're the worst.

Worst Study Spot:

The smoothie shop at Pottruck

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Features  Published 04/25/15 4:11am

15 Unflattering Photos Of People Who Could Kick Your Ass

If there's one thing Penn Relays showed this week besides the payoff of training and dedication, it's that the athletes are legit Darwinianly better than the rest of us. They can outlive us in a zombie apocalypse, outlive us in general, or just straight up kick our ass if they wanted to. Let's face it: something like a couple unflattering pics wouldn't even phase them. So on behalf of those of us who get tired just thinking about Penn Relays, let alone participating, Under the Baton presents: 

I should not have poked that

Aaaaaaaand I'm asleep

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Features  Published 04/24/15 6:07pm

Things We Wish Were As Fast As The Penn Relay Runners

If you couldn't tell from the sudden spike in tracksuits on campus, the Penn Relays are officially here. In the same spot where you stood/stumbled/fell last Friday, runners are now breaking world records. Whatta comparison. Since we're never going to be faster than Usain Bolt, here are few things we wish were. 

  • AirPennNet
  • The High Rise elevators
  • The time it takes to complete sector requirements
  • The line for a Commons omelette
  • Our GrubHubbed Pattaya
  • The entire month of February
  • The time it takes to walk up the steep part of the 38th Street Bridge
  • The delay between drinking espresso and being able to study
  • That time when you're meeting someone in Starbucks but get there waaay too early and have to awkwardly wait for the other person to arrive
  • When you're drunk at a party and some dude from your writing seminar comes up and asks how you are
  • Writing seminar
  • Phone calls when your mom wants to talk about your health
  • Phone calls when your mom wants to talk about your sex life
  • Phone calls 
  • The Wawa line
  • The five seconds after you accidentally take a picture of someone with the flash on and you honestly have no idea what to do
  • PowerPoint transitions
  • The time it takes your Uber to drive somewhere when the surge price is very high
  • The walk from your house to Wawa
  • People in VP bathrooms
  • The amount of time it takes your heater to heat the air in your room
  • The amount of time it takes your heater to warm the heart in your chest
  • The time between the after party and the hotel lobby
  • The internet when your Netflix won't stop buffering
  • Any period of time ever spent in DRL
  • Unzipping and re-zipping your backpack for the VP security guard
  • The amount of time it takes your heated blanket to preheat
  • That one bitch's Snapstory
  • The time you've spent removing glitter from your clothes, room, and life in general since Kesha
  • Haircuts when your hairdresser is trying to talk about your personal life
  • Any interaction with people from your freshmen hall after freshmen year
  • The stifled sobs of the person behind you in a VP cubicle
  • The time on Locust when you see someone you know but they're too far away so you awkwardly look at your phone until they're close enough to say hi to
  • When you're waiting for the food to come
  • When you're waiting for the bread to come
  • The time the Smoke's bouncer takes to examine your ID 
  • Us, because we could probably use a few more visits to Pottruck
  • The time it takes for your phone to turn on after you plug it in dead
  • Kygo's set
  • The amount of time it takes a professor to figure out how to play 30 second clip

Features  Published 04/24/15 1:01pm

Flyerer Of The Week: Penn Players Presents: LoveMusik

Did anyone else notice how there are finally leaves on the trees over Locust? It is remarkable how quickly they creep in and cast us in shadows. However, not to be overshadowed, we profiled Penn Players and their current musical LoveMusik. We pretended to be cultured.

UTB: So who are you, and what are you flyering for? 

I am Ella, and I am Genna (with a G) and we are part of Penn Players.

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News  Published 04/23/15 6:15pm

Communication Listserv Fails To Accomplish The Only Purpose Of Its Major

Using modern technology is often confusing and sometimes embarrassing, which is why UTB conducts all its communications through elaborate smoke signaling. Unfortunately, not everyone is an early adopter, which led to this recent cringeworthy moment on the Communication listserv. Aside from the irony of this happening on the Communication listserv, this fiasco broke new grounds in email embarrassment. 

A higher-up decided to scold the person who initially sent out the email, but accidentally did so via the WHOLE listserv, saying "don’t do anything now, but when there is a confusing presentation, you need to sort it out before they start reading". After realizing the mistake, the higher-up tried to recall the email, by again emailing the whole listserv with a line of hashtags (???) in an attempt to void the message. Unfortunately,  ####################### cannot solve this disaster. 

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News  Published 04/23/15 12:56pm

Freshmen Love Their Pranks

Perhaps plagued by a profound sense of end-of-the-semester-nostalgia, or the same prankster spirit that brought you this, students have stolen the Fisher Hassenfeld House photo for a second time and House Dean Shawna M. Patterson is pissed. Invoking both Lemony Snicket and the NSA, Patterson informed her residents that their lives will be incredibly unpleasant if they are caught with the stolen picture. She also warned that they will be caught by the Big Brother that is Quad security cameras, forcing all to reevaluate some Spring Fling decisions. 

We aren't sure what punishment Patterson has in mind, but it certainly can't be worse than the mysterious misting Ware residents have already endured. And, while we are definitely not advocating for theft of school property, if the anonymous thieves do make it out alive, our office could use some new decorations. 

Features  Published 04/23/15 9:02am

Texts From Fling, Volume V

Ah, Fling. What a time to be "alive." For those of you who left it all out there in the Quad, here are the texts that you don't remember sending. For those of you who do remember your shenanigans, maybe try doing better next year. 

Penn's Very Own Indiana Jones

410: how was your night?

203: Got far too drunk

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