Features  Published 51 minutes ago

How to Get Kicked Out of Class Now That the Drop Period Is Over


Photo: Dp File Photo / The Daily Pennsylvanian

In case you didn't hear, the drop period ended last Friday. That means that you or one of your loved ones are stuck with the crappy fifth class you planned to drop, or the pointless-but-demanding elective you regret signing up for. But are you really stuck? Think outside the box.

While your situation may seem hopeless, there is one one very simple way to get out of any class: getting kicked out. Here are seven foolproof ways to ensure that you will be asked to drop the class.

1. Sit in the very front of the room but, instead of paying attention to the professor, take out your favorite newspaper and start reading, completely obscuring your face and blocking the view of those behind you.

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Satire  Published 18 hours ago

Penn Increases Tuition to Fund Purchase of More Weird Sculptures


Photo: Marc Smith / Flickr

Last week the University Board of Trustees signed off on another 3.9 percent tuition hike for undergraduates, raising Penn’s cost of attendance by $2,610 to $68,610. Although inflation rates that high are usually only good news when you’re talking about grades, this time around Penn is promising that these increases are in the best interest of its students.

One might expect Penn to use this added revenue to invest in high rise elevator renovations or enigmatic task forces, but today the administration has made it clear that the goal of these price increases is to fund the creation of even more bizarre sculptures on campus.

The University recognizes that weird sculptures are what’s bringing tourism dollars and attracting prospective students to Penn. “With the popularity of installations like the LOVE sculpture, the Button, and Covenant, we decided that we need to invest even more money in weird art. We received an overwhelmingly positive reaction from the four students we polled about this decision."

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Satire  Published 20 hours ago

Trump-mann Tweet Of The Day


Photo: Gena Basha / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Satire  Published 21 hours ago

Sophomore Only Scores Internship at Apple, Decides to Lifeguard Instead


/ autumnwaldenpond

There are some things worse than death. 

As the summer approaches, Justin Beckman (C'19) has been working towards a dream internship that will jump-start his career and make him the envy of Rodin's 12th floor. "I really want to work at a prestigious firm, preferably in tech, that will help me gain experience and get my foot in the door for a job coming into senior year," says Beckman. He'd been applying to internships for months and finally received some news.

Monday morning, Beckman received a phone call from Apple's human resources department, congratulating him and offering him a position at their office in Cupertino, California. Beckman was beyond consolation. "When I got that call, my heart just sank to my shoes," he explained. "I felt dizzy and had to sit for several minutes."

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Satire  Published 23 hours ago

I Saw the Mask and Wig Show, Now I'm Going to Study Abroad in Rome


Photo: Marco Verch / Wikimedia Commons

I saw Mask and Wig's spring musical No Place Like Rome on Saturday, and now I'm definitely studying abroad in Rome.

Like most of my peers, I was planning on going to London—or Hong Kong. Then I saw the Mask and Wig show and everything changed. If Rome is anything like the Wig show, it is exactly the type of place I’d like to study. I know what you're thinking, but the cultural barrier won't be an issue at all.  One of the Romans' favorite jokes was just like one on Arrested Development. I love that show—apparently, so do the Romans!  Everyone speaks English, so the language barrier is no concern.

In the Wig show, the Romans are always singing.  I, too, will break into song whenever I have anything meaningful to say. Everyone is a great dancer, even the gladiators, and there is a live band wherever you go. There really isn't any place like Rome!

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Satire  Published 02/21/17 8:14pm

Trump-mann Tweet of the Day


Photo: Sophie Trotto / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Satire  Published 02/21/17 6:54pm

New App Allows Girls to Leave Yelp-Style Reviews for Pledges Who Bring Them Food or Complete Favors


Photo: David Akst / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Plelp is a new app developed by SEAS junior Jared Parrel that allows girls to rate and review, Yelp-style, the fraternity pledges that deliver food and drinks to them for Big Little Week.

When asked how he thought of the idea for Plelp, Parrel pointed to his personal connection to the project. "Two years ago, I was pledging a fraternity. I was specifically asked by many girls to stop giving strip teases. According to them, I was awkward and hard to look at," explained Parrel. "The hurt and disgrace I felt eventually subsided, and the experience forced me to become more normal and good looking. This gave me the idea to create a forum for girls to share more comments like these, which would help other girls know which pledges should be requested and which should be avoided on Penn's campus."

Users of the app can comment on a range of topics, including the quality and punctuality of the service and overall appearance of the pledges. Based on these reviews, Bigs can choose which pledges they would like to approach their Littles.

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News  Published 02/21/17 5:58pm

The Evolution of the Friars Emblem


Photo: Anonymous / The Daily Pennsylvanian

A visual history of the Friars emblem, in chronological order:

  1. Old guy
  2. Old guy
  3. CLOWN
  4. Young guy
  5. Really really really extremely old guy
  6. A guy who is both old and blind
  7. SMURF!!!!
  8. The current Friar.

Features  Published 02/21/17 3:51pm

OP-ED: Each Time I Cross the Street, I Worry That a Car Will Hit Me and the Driver Will Get Out and Make Fun of My Shoes


/ publicdomainpictures.net

Crossing the street is probably one of the most dangerous things we do, a statement I am making with no statistical evidence. I don't drive a car at Penn, I don't engage in dangerous pastimes like skydiving or ultimate frisbee, and I keep a relatively healthy diet. Crossing the street is a necessary evil, to be sure, but I fear for my safety each time I dart across a cross-walk. Not just my safety, in fact, but my dignity too.

With every step into the street, I worry that a car will strike me and, while I lay helpless and mangled on the asphalt, the driver will step from his vehicle and point at my shoes. He or she will make a rude, unnecessary comment about them. The crowd, gathering after the accident, will also laugh and point, agreeing with the driver's unprompted comment about my sneakers. And then the driver will return to his or her automobile, the crowd will disperse, and I will be left in the road, humiliated and alone. I'll also need to go to the hospital, because I will have been hit by a car.

Maybe the driver will be a short man who exits his 2009 Ford Fusion and barks, "What are those?" Maybe it will be a lawyer in a 2004 Honda Odyssey, or a 2014 Subaru Outback, who opens her door to yell, "You've got some real goofy clown feet on you, kid." It could even be a 20 year old Temple student driving his parents' 2015 Range Rover who approaches me, after accelerating through a red light and plowing into me, and whispers softly, "Damn Daniel, back at it again with the white Vans like it's still 2016."

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Features  Published 02/21/17 2:36pm

UTB Reviews: Raw CandleLIT Dinner


Photo: Alexander Baxevanis / Creative Commons

ICYMI: Penn Environmental Group and Penn Vegan Society came together for the first time in our nation's history last night for a event you won't be forgetting anytime soon. What can only be described as a talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show stopping, spectacular, never the same, totally unique, completely not ever been done before, unafraid to reference or not reference, put it in a blender, shit on it, vomit on it, eat it, and give birth to it type of event, the first ever "Raw CandleLIT Dinner" combined both uncooked vegan food and zero electricity! 

Those who attended the event told us, once their eyes readjusted to light, that the event was "cool" and that they'd "eaten beforehand anyway" so the food wasn't an issue. 

Although the dinner was BYO silverware and plates and candles, PEG and PVS did provide plenty of cashew cheese for all to enjoy. While no member UTB was in fact in attendance, we admired the fact that there was virtually no lighting. That way, you don't really have to look at your raw vegan meal while you're eating it, and no one will be able to tell that half of those in attendance are rabbits! Those in attendance were probably unable to engage in any meaningful conversations, due to the overwhelming noise produced by chewing raw celery and carrots. For once, we regret not attending this event.

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