Satire  Published 12 hours ago

This PennApps Project Will Send You a Text Every Time a Door Opens on Campus

In 1946, researchers at Penn’s Moore School of Electrical Engineering developed ENIAC, the world’s first general-purpose digital computer. The milestone is hailed as the beginning of the global computer revolution.

Now, in 2017, a team of four Penn students at PennApps are continuing the University’s pattern of innovation in computing by developing an app which sends its users a text every time a door opens on Penn's campus.

“I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard about someone going through a door on campus and thought, ‘I wish I knew about that earlier,’” said project leader Johnny Wang. “The app is an incredible synergy of optimization, cloud-based machine-learning, funneling top-down inside-out conversion algorithms, and sixty other buzzwords.”

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Satire  Published 01/20/17 3:53pm

College Sophomore to Start Smoking Cigarettes Following Trump Inauguration

The election has claimed yet another victim. College sophomore Luca Alveoli has decided to take up smoking cigarettes in response to the inauguration of the 45th President of the United States, Donald Trump. 

UTB sat down with Alveoli to discuss this obviously unsafe life choice. He told us that the decision has been a long time coming. "This past year and a half has been absolutely abysmal," he lamented. Alveoli removed a pack of American Spirits from his pocket, lighting one and offering us another. "This country is in a tailspin and we're all going down, I might as well enjoy myself while it lasts," he continued. "Is this all that remains of the American Spirit?" he asked aloud, to no one in particular, while inspecting his cigarette.

He took a drag and instantly looked more relaxed, and also more cool. Alveoli presented us his reasons, saying, "Bowie's gone, we shot Harambe, Green Day released another album, and we just swore in an orange fascist. I deserve this cigarette. I need this."

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Features  Published 01/20/17 12:48pm

Club Penguin On The Issues: The Affordable Care Act

This week on Club Penguin on the Issues, we tackle healthcare reform. Since this is more of a private matter, penguin UTBforlife decided to hit the igloos and engage in more intimate chats with the voters. 

The first igloo was decked out in star patterned couches, strobe lights, and an unnecessary amount of lava lamps arrayed in an indiscernible pattern. It’s safe to say that penguin Reeseo (the owner of this lovely abode) comes from wealth. Or his parents bought him a Club Penguin membership. Either way, it was therefore difficult to strike up a conversation about the necessity of universal healthcare. UTBforlife politely complimented Reeseo’s residence and continued the canvassing elsewhere.

The second igloo’s owner was missing but he graciously left his igloo unlocked for any Club Penguin users to stroll in. How refreshing! It’s a shame West Philly residents aren’t this trustworthy. UTBforlife and Gaby1001 immediately struck up a deep conversation about the potential repeal of the Affordable Care Act and what this means for Americans looking for insurance. The conversation began when Gaby1001 sent a heart emoji and UTBforlife replied “what about those who can’t afford heart surgery?”. Gaby1001 then took her puffle pet and left. Ah, how it feels to make a difference in the minds of young voters long after it is too late.


Satire  Published 01/19/17 4:34pm

About Time: Penn is Building a Sound-Proof 'Yelling Room' in VP

Van Pelt is not exactly a comfortable place, but the library is about to get a whole lot more student-friendly. Penn has announced plans to construct a sound-proofed room on the first floor on Van Pelt. Taking the place of periodicals, which had previously inhabited the area, the room is designed to provide students a private, intimate place to yell, scream, sob, or make a throaty "ughhhhh" sound in despair.

Librarian Michael Albin told UTB that students had been asking for "a place to let out some frustration without disturbing" their peers. As such, the room was designed to block all sound from entering or leaving the room. Padded surfaces, a large textile sculpture in the center of the room, and soft seats were all selected in order to capture and dampen the sounds of overworked CIS majors bellowing obscenities about code.

Students seem excited overall about the new room. "I just used to go in the bathroom and scream into a wad of paper towels, but now it's easier. It's more environmentally friendly, too, because I don't have to use up all those towels," Wharton junior Amanda Baker told us. "It's a win all around."

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Satire  Published 01/19/17 3:31pm

Please Allow Guns on Campus So We Can Shoot Grizzly Bears

This is an official request for permission to carry and use firearms on campus to prevent grizzly bear-related injury or death. We are not sure who is in charge of setting campus firearm policies, but we trust that the proper officials will read this. Please, allow us to defend ourselves against all the grizzly bears we see each day, roaming Locust or hibernating in GSRs. Thank you Betsy DeVos for championing this cause and helping us make Penn a safer place. 


Satire  Published 01/19/17 11:46am

Russia Already Won PennApps

Russia has been winning a lot over the past year and now they can add PennApps to the list! Penn's semiannual hackathon, which starts tomorrow, has already found its winner thanks to the Kremlin. UTB has been granted exclusive access to reports from various University offices, which all agree that Russia has been interfering with PennApps throughout the past few months to ensure victory. 

Initial reactions to the findings have been polarizing to say the least. Many students on campus are extremely upset, calling justice for what they see to be a clear violation of the integrity of this long standing Penn establishment. Students on the other side of the ideological spectrum are denouncing the upset Penngineers as "sore losers" or "snowflakes" who need a safe space to write their code. 

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Satire  Published 01/18/17 3:49pm

Obama to Grant Clemency to Lorenzo Bonfiglio During Final Days in Office

Yesterday, the DP reported that alleged Castle arsonist Lorenzo Bonfiglio was given probation after pleading guilty to two charges: recklessly endangering another person, and criminal mischief — tampering with property. This marks the ostensible ending to a long legal process, in which Bonfiglio's preliminary and pretrial hearings were pushed back at least nine times and his 22 original charges were dropped to two.

Today, his case takes another surprising turn: President Barack Obama has announced that he will grant clemency to Bonfiglio. With only two days left in office, this will likely be one of his final acts in the Oval Office. This development comes among a string of sentence commutations for high profile prisoners including Chelsea Manning, an Army intelligence analyst responsible for a massive and consequential data leak, and Oscar Lopez Rivera, a militant and controversial Puerto Rican nationalist.

Bonfiglio, a U.K. native sentenced to three years probation, may seem an odd choice for clemency. Obama acknowledged this in an exclusive interview with UTB: "Yes, I believe he has a job and has still made it to Owls events. Yes, he managed to push his trial back time and time. But he's suffered enough."

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Satire  Published 01/18/17 2:25pm

​Things We Should Do All Year, Not Just During Sorority Recruitment

Arguably, sorority recruitment is no one's favorite 6 days of the year. When considering other annual highlights such as the first 6 days of Hannukah, shark week, or even the last 6 days of finals when you're stuck on campus because you have one exam on December 22nd, it's obvious that rush pales in comparison. However, recruitment has many unique and valuable qualities that, quite frankly, go unappreciated. Instead of practicing these traditions only once a year, we should never stop:

  • Try chanting. It's like singing, but you can't really be that bad at it.
  • Go to the Annenberg Center every day. It's a great building and "one of the nation's foremost urban performing arts centers on a major university campus."
  • Tell everyone you can how much you love your siSDTers.
  • Learn about the student body's diverse range of academic interests. Spontaneously start up conversations with strangers by asking what their majors are. If someone doesn't know what their major is yet, be sure to comfort them. Tell them it's okay and inform them that they have plenty of time to figure it out.
  • Coordinate with 300 of your closest friends.
  • Be friendly and kind to people you haven't met.
  • Let people know how funny and culturally relevant you are: create Facebook cover photos with puns and/or memes relating to popular culture.
  • Simply stand outside for 15+ minutes as often as possible. Take time to appreciate and enjoy the beautiful city of Philadelphia.
  • Dress snappy casual!


News  Published 01/17/17 7:10pm

Penn Athletics Shares Questionable New Ad

Honestly, it doesn’t take much mental gymnastics to conclude that this recent Penn Athletics promotion was very, very poorly thought out.

As one of many critical Facebook commenters observed, has no one learned anything from the disaster that was the Gisele and LeBron Vogue cover?! The implicit characterization of black men as “beasts” is, to put it lightly, an offensive and tired trope.

And while calling someone a beauty may seem like a compliment, in actuality, the ad serves to trivialize hardworking athletes by likening them to beauty contestants.

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Satire  Published 01/17/17 4:01pm

If Amy Gutmann Tweeted Like Donald Trump

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